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Apologies in advance for the poor embarrassing tragic photoshopping skills. With that being said, let’s get right to the recap of episode 11 of the Real Housewives of New Jersey, brilliantly titled – Staub Wounds.

The episode starts out with a scene of Teresa and hubby Juicy Joe, as they get the girls ready so Joe can take them out. For a minute there, I was touched at the thought of Joe being a good father to his little girls, well that is, until Teresa casually mentions that Joe threats their daughters like boys, you know because he hasn’t been able to get the son(s) he wants after 4 tries…

Things then take a disturbing turn when Joe makes his very young daugthers fight each other after their karate lesson. I just found this scene to be all kinds of wrong and disturbing. Nothing wrong with putting his daugthers in karate/taekwondo, but the making them fight each other was just wrong and icky to watch.

We move on to victim Danielle, who has decided the best way to protect her weave self is to take self defense classes, at the suggestion of her ex-con rumored bed buddy Danny, who spends the entire time standing back in ring glaring at Dirty D. Danielle of course is involving her two daugthers in her quest to be the ultimate fighter. Danny suggests Danielle picture Teresa and Jacqueline in front of her as a means to add more fuel to her fighting fire. The Bravo cameras then pan to Danielle’s daugther Christine, who looks pretty embarrassed and would probably rather be back home doing homework at this moment.

Danielle gives us her best dose of crazy during her 1 on 1 interview when she declares, “Walking away is not good enough for them. They want to make you feel like the prey. And then they sit there and they go, I don’t know why you keep you saying you’re the victim. Well Bitch cause I am. Stop effing chasing me!”

The former prostitution coke whore then declares, “It only takes one good smack to the head to make a person never walk again.”

We see Jacqueline at home, and Kim Granatell, who is arguably the most two faced person in the universe, decides to pay a visit. I’m just going to refer to Kim G. as the newest housewife from here on out. I don’t even think she’s auditioning anymore for a slot on the show, she has obviously replaced Dina. No need to wait for a press release from Bravo. So why exactly did Kim G. show up to Jacque’s? Well to stir up the drama pot of course! The two rehash the country club drama and Kim G. informs us clumps did indeed come out of Danielle’s head.

Next up, we see Mama Bear Caroline making individualized eggs for all three of her very adult children. Two of the kids leave to go to work and Caroline and Albie McHottie Manzo discuss his future. Albie informs his mom that he needs to get a recommendation letter from his old law school before he can get into a new school.

Teresa, who filed bankruptcy just a few weeks before this episode was filmed, is shown going into Kim DePaola’s boutique Posche to do some shopping, but then again Teresa is never really shown shopping, but rather talking during her time there. Teresa once again assures the world her house is absolutely not in foreclosure. Stalker Wannabe new housewife Kim G. then randomly shows up, wearing a very age inappropriate sleeveless fur attire. Teresa once again states that she meant well in trying to strike up a conversation with Danielle, despite admitting on last week’s episode of Watch What Happens that her intention was to confront Danielle on some of the rumors she was spreading about her.

Teresa then makes a funny, the funniest quote of the night actually, when she states, “The only thing I regret about that night was pushing Kim G. because she is an older woman and I do respect the elderly.” Hilarious, especially considering that it came from the very unintelligent Teresa. And how old is Kim G. by the way? She can’t be a day younger than 70 60, no?

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Ashley is shown having a convo with her boyfriend Derek about the country club drama, and Derek actually seems to have something which is somewhat of a rarity on this show, common sense that is. Derek, who seems level headed gives Ashley some sound advice.

It’s now time for the best scene of the night. Juicy Joe takes Teresa out to show her some of his new business ventures, which includes a pizza parlour, and an apartment complex. Teresa however makes it clear in her interview that she will not be making pizzas for the parlour anytime soon. Joe continues to make jokes about he and Teresa moving into the apartment complex. Teresa once again protests and makes it clear she is simply too good to live in an apartment complex, however not too good to file bankruptcy for her $11 mil debt.

Danielle is then shown meeting up with her ex-con buddies. Danielle, who appears to be sitting on her invisible high horse in this scene, brings up Ashley and decides Jacqueline is to blame for the actions of her 19-year-old daughter. Danielle even reveals she feels sorry for Ashley and cannot understand how at age 19, Ashley could go from saying she loved her just a year ago to now attacking her.

And listening to Danielle, you almost forget the fact that she was only friends with Jacqueline for about a year total. Even more important, you almost forget the fact that this former stripper/escort/prostitution whore/sex tape star was arrested at age 23 for kidnapping, being involved with the Colombian cartel, and of course doing drugs. Oh how soon they forget. It seems the years of good living in New Jersey’s surbubia has given Dirty D a moderate to severe case of memory loss. If only Danielle had been simply pulling out hair extensions in her younger days…

You can see Danielle’s mugshot and read all about her past criminal escapades here.

Next up, we see Caroline and hubby Al having a conversation as Hot Stuff Albie, who’s hair might or might not be thinning on top, walks in with some good news for his parents. Albie informs them he got the letter he needed from his old law school and is now free to try to get admission into a new law school. Albie informs his parents he might have to go out of state to continue his education and mama bear doesn’t seem too pleased, but does muster up enough words of encouragement for her son, who isn’t trying to go to “freaking Alaska.”

Danielle decides to meet up with two of her attorneys alongside three of her friends aka witnesses in front of the police headquarters as she decides to press charges, rightfully so, against Ashley. Danielle then kicks things up a notch when she reveals she fears for her life. Oddly enough her three witnesses reveal they did not hear any threats, but only name calling. Danielle however insists threats were made to her life. In her 1 on 1 interview, former kidnapper Danielle declares a lot of people will be in harm’s way if Ashley doesn’t get her act together.

Caroline meets up with sister-in-law Jacqueline and Ashley. Caroline once again makes perfect sense when she tells Ashley, “You handed this to her on a silver platter, you gave this to her. This was her plan all right and you walked right into the trap.”

Danielle is shown standing outside the courthouse with her three friends/witnesses, which includes new housewife Kim G. She talks to her attorney about the court case and then states the following, “If she’s doing this at 19 years old, what could this escalate to? This is scary to me,” says the former kidnapper, who was also accused of pistol whipping someone all at the tender age of 23.

For the finale scene of the episode, Kim G, who might or might not be in dire need of a hobby, decides to show up to Jacqueline‘s home uninvited, much to Jacqueline’s dismay, but perhaps Jacqueline shouldn’t be so upset as Kim came bearing gifts! Yes, two-faced drama queen Kim G. came with newspapers in hand, one of which even pictured her in front of the courthouse locking hands with Danielle. It seems Jacqueline is fed up with Kim G’s multiple faces, and lets her have it.

“I respect if you’re friends with both of us, but be a friend to both of us! You’re not friends to either of us from what I’m seeing, ” says Jacque who seems to finally be having a light bulb moment. “Oh bullsh*t,” is the reply from Classy Kim G, who might or might not be in her 70s. Seriously how old is this woman? and why is Jacqueline even entertaining her?

Watch What Happens - Last night’s guests included Danielle Staub and the always highlarious Jeff Lewis of Flipping Out. The new season of Flipping Out premieres August 10 by the way. The top 5 moments of the night below -

1) Danielle having to be in the same room as Jenni Pulos of Flipping Out, who is responsible for the new theme song of WWH, you know the one that refers to Danielle as a prostitution whore over and over and over again.

2) The caller who asked Danielle if she had any inside information regarding Teresa’s financial situation. Danielle claimed she did but declined to share.

3) Best part of the night - When Jeff asked Danielle where he could buy her sex tape, saying he couldn’t find it on Bravo shop. Priceless! Danielle had no reply by the way.

4) Former stripper Danielle making certain to embarrass her children once again on national television when she decides to do an impromptu awkward table dance.

5) Jeff asking Danielle how many calls do the Wayne County police get from her a day?! Jeff then mentions the lights being missing from the sign in front of the plastic surgeon’s office where Danielle had her boob job operation.

TELL US – WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS ON THE RECAP AND LAST NIGHT’S EPISODE OF THE NJ HOUSEWIVES?

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