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The third episode of the Real Housewives of Orange County aired last night with what felt like a night of TMIs. From Gretchen’s sex talk about Slade to the marital nightmare between the Bellinos, ending with the Tamra soft-core bathtub scene with Eddie. With that said, let’s get right to the recap!

The episode beings with mogul Gretchen, who is clearly still harboring some resentment over Alexis‘s princess comment, as she dons a tiara to open the door for Alexis. For someone who claims to be very busy, Gretchen sure seems to have a lot of time to waste shopping for tiaras, and getting princess license plates. Perhaps this is why she needed an assistant. Alexis regrets the day she ever uttered the word princess, and following a brief chat, the ladies head out to do some shopping while I attempt to make sense of Alexis’s maxi dress.

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Waiting at the store is Peggy as Alexis introduces Gretchen to her favorite frenemy, and definitely not because she is sort of required to do so by the show producers or anything. Peggy comments on Gretchen’s big Texas hair, Gretchen doesn’t approve of the elderly wearing knee high boots, while Alexis is just glad the meeting between the ladies is going so well. While trying on shoes, Gretchen takes an odd shot at Slade’s ex-fiance Jo De La Rosa, failing to realize that Jo wins by default by not having to take care of a jobless deadbeat who’s living rent free in her home.

Back at casa del Vicki, the home renovation project continues while poor Don just tries to stay out of the way. A stressed out Vicki goes up to one of the workers and proceeds to have a convo. Evidently, his replies in English were not good enough as Vicki then decides to speak some “Spanish” to him. “So no, no scratchy the new woody,” she says while the contractor appears taken back. Holy ignorance! Vicki goes on to foreshadow her divorce when she makes it clear it is her home and what she says go.

Following their day of shopping, Gretchen, Peggy, and Alexis decide to unwind by having some drinks. Alexis recalls the first time Vicki rubbed her the wrong way, while she and Gretchen get into it yet again. Great addition to the cast Peggy quickly tries to diffuse the situation by changing the convo to a sex talk. “I don’t know what it is but he is very talented. His penis actually gets harder or softer according to my mood,” reveals Gretchen, sounding like the proud Sugar Mama she is! Though Slade’s talented penis doesn’t come as a surprise considering he sits on Gretchen’s couch all day long playing with it.

Gretchen then proceeds to ask how the other ladies manage to do sexy times with having their kids around. Peggy reveals she and hubby Micah have mastered the art of closet sex, while one-upper Alexis makes it known she and Jim have done it in every closet in the Orange County. Alexis then goes on to share another sex story involving a chair and blindfold, while I wonder if Simon Jim would approve of this unholy conversation.

Tamra and Vicki continue to try to mend their friendship as they meet up for lunch. Tamra is all about starting fresh while Vicki would like a few more moments to remind her of what a snake she is. The topic turns to Tamra’s new beau Eddie, and while things are hot and heavy between the two, Tamra makes it clear Eddie has yet to meet the kids. Tamra then invites Vicki to Cabo on Bravo’s dime, Vicki agrees and things appear to be mended between the two former BFFs.

We get some quality time with the Bellinos as they get ready for a family vacay to San Diego, with a nanny in tow of course. And poor Alexis, her attempts to defend her controlling husband only end up in more foot in mouth situations, as she reveals Jim can only handle 2 – 4 hour increments with the kids he brought into this world.

We are introduced to Peggy‘s mother-in-law Melinda who is heavy into the whole holistic lifestyle. “I’m using stem cells on my face now from an apple over in Switzerland,” reveals Melinda and just like that, I like her already! A Real Housewives of Palm Beach with Melinda and Elsa leading the way anyone? Paging Andy Cohen! Peggy goes on to reveal some anxiety and mood problems, while Melinda hands her some silly bandz to help her heal.

It is now time for a closer look into another dysfunctional OC relationship as Gretchen and sex-slave boy-toy Slade get ready to leave for Palm Springs. Gretchen needs a break from being a full time mogul while Tubba Wubba simply needs to leave the city before the cops get a hold of him for not paying child support or something.

Those crafty folks at Bravo quickly bring us back to dysfunctional relationship #1 as the Bellinos arrive in San Diego. Jim pokes fun at his wife for packing too many luggages. Okay kind of funny, but not so funny when Jim asks Alexis to stand in front of the luggages so that he can take a picture. Alexis says no and attempts to laugh it off, while Jim gives her a gentle shove, after which she quickly obeys his command. Oh, but it gets better as Jim also manages to forget the bag of their nanny. Upon entering their hotel room, Jim quickly steps outside to play, while Alexis is left alone to unpack for her kids and her boss. “Everybody has a vacation except mommy,” states Alexis. After unpacking, Jim instructs his wife to order some snacks for him and the kids, while he continues to play outside.

While driving, Gretchen takes some shots at Tubba Wubba’s weight, hair, driving, and lastly his intelligence. “This is the smart side and you tend to end up on the not so smart side often,” says Gretchen about herself Slade. As dumb and dumber continue to drive, the bikes fall off the car, and Gretchen cackles away while Slade appears irritated. “I paid $700 for that bike!” reveals Gretchen, as I wonder how much she paid for the wifebeater Slade’s wearing. The two arrive at their friends’ home and proceed to go bike riding. Gretchen makes a joke about being pregnant, which is apparently not possible because Slade is usually too tired to get it up. And I ask, tired from doing what? And judging from Slade’s reaction, me is starting to think Slade might secretly hate Gretchen and is only with her for the free rent, free bikes and Bravo paychecks.

It’s back to San Diego and it’s breakfast time with the Bellinos. While the King eats, the servant runs around making certain he isn’t without his ketchup or toast. Poor Alexis — even a maid gets a break sometimes. But don’t you feel bad for Alexis one second longer as she thanks heavens everyday to be blessed with such an amazing rich husband! Though I wonder how much longer until Alexis’s ditches Jim for the next rich geezer, you know, in light of recent events.

Just as Alexis reveals how lucky she is to have a King who buys her nice things, those crafty folks at Bravo take us to a scene in which Jim and Alexis go jewelry shopping. Jim buys himself two watches, while Alexis is demoted to drooling at the rings like a fat kid in an ice cream shop. Upon exiting the store, Alexis tries to use the old guilt trip on Jim, but fails miserably as Jim simply doesn’t feel bad. The cost of Jim’s watches? $27,000! Skipping mortgage payments, filing bankruptcy, and buying $27,000 watches? Must be their Christian way of life. And how cute was Alexis pretending she actually had a voice and some say over Jim’s purchases? Adorable.

And just in case you had any doubt of just how much Jim respects and values his wife, Bravo makes certain to throw in one more bonus scene of the Bellinos at the zoo, as Alexis would like them to split and take a girl each. “Yeah, I’ll take James,” is Jimmy’s reply, while Alexis keeps trying to convince herself she is happy with this life.

Following weeks of hearing about the hot Latin humpable Eddie, we finally get to meet him! “Holy orgasm,” states Tamra as she describes Eddie, who might or might not be Simon‘s former BFF. Tamra manages to take a break from humping Eddie to do lunch with Marcos. But poor Marcos, as he is forced to witness the couple practically sitting on top of one another and acting like two teenage lovebirds. As if sucking face in front of Marcos wasn’t enough, the always classy Tamra also reveals she and Eddie did some sexy times before the lunch date.

Back in Palm Springs, Gretchen continues to punish Slade for being himself a loser by nagging him and telling him what he can and cannot eat. Gretchen once again brings up Tamra’s past actions, and once again fails to take responsibility for any of her wrong doings. The topic of marriage comes up and Gretchen makes it clear she is just leasing Slade for the moment. All Slade can do is sit back and observe while Gretchen continues to snip away at his manhood. But really, what is he going to do? Leave her and fend for himself? Of course not. Daddy needs a place to sleep!

Cue up the candles and porno romantic music as Tamra is ready to payback her soon to be ex-husband. A naked, yes naked, Tamra floats around in her bathtub while she calls for her beau Eddie. “You are naked,” observes Eddie. “I am so naked,” replies Tamra, mother of four. And while Bravo works overtime in blurring out Tamra’s nipple, Eddie proceeds to strip down & get into the tub. “I love you,” coos Tamra, while the two proceed to make out and fornicate in the tub. End scene and take that Simon! I mean, kissing Fernanda on the lips, doing a naked bathtub scene on national television, that’s what it’s all about right? Sticking it to Simon. Stay classy Tamra Sue. Stay classy.

Jim & Alexis – Holy smokes! This episode and the San Diego trip was all kinds of sad and disturbing to watch. Even more disturbing when you consider all that was shown was over the course of only a few days. Sad when you realize this is just a glimpse of Alexis’s every day life. And while Alexis can stay in denial all she wants and continue to proclaim she is happy with her marriage and Jim, her facial expressions tell a different story. Every time Jim demeaned her or undermined her, she seemed to have a certain reaction. Perhaps the most disturbing scene for me was when Jim made her stand in front of the luggages to pose for a picture. She appeared to be embarrassed and quite frankly, I was humiliated for her. I stated last season that this marriage stood no chance as long as they continued to put their lives on a reality show. As much as she can deny it, I’m pretty certain watching this episode and others has her seeing things in a different light. In the words of Dr. Phil – “When you marry for money, you earn every penny of it.” I’m going to do Tamra one better and predict this marriage doesn’t last another year. With no money and bling to blind her anymore, Alexis will soon begin to see the light, if she hasn’t started already.

Gretchen & Slade – This episode also shed a very bright light on this just awful union. After seeing this episode, I’m pretty convinced Slade is absolutely not in love with Gretchen, and is simply going along for the free rides and rent. Quite frankly, I think he might even hate or resent her. Plus I compare the way he is with Gretchen to the way he was with his former fiance Jo, who was living with him and whom he appeared to be taking good care of, and it’s pretty easy to come to this conclusion. In fact, I think back to the Slade from season 1 and it’s pretty sad looking at what he’s become. That Slade seemed to have some pride, dignity and his balls in tact. And the way Gretchen continually talked down to him, to the way he just took it? Very pathetic. I also think Gretchen is starting to resent him for all that he is, hence the verbal bitch slaps. Surely, the Bravo paychecks cannot be worth his pride. I say it is time for Slade to cut Gretchen, get a job, and slowly work towards getting back his manhood.

TELL US – THOUGHTS ON THE RECAP, WWHL & LAST NIGHT’S EPISODE?

http://www.realitytea.com/2011/01/07/foreclosure-auction-postponed-for-alexis-bellino-plus-judge-rules-against-gretchen-rossi/

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