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Following a lackluster freshman season, one that had fans longing for the good ol days of the DC Housewives, the Real Housewives of Miami ended last night with a supersized finale!

And while the ladies attempted to go out with a bang, they just didn’t quite measure up to their other counterparts. Example -

  • Party crashing 101? The Real Housewives of DC did it better!
  • Inappropriate sexy times in front of a camera crew? The Real Housewives of OC did it better!
  • Pre-wedding jitters & panics? The Real Housewives of Atlanta did it better!
  • Drinking and making inappropriate comments? The Real Housewives of NYC did it better!
  • Dinner parties from hell with psychic sidekicks? The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills did it better!

Bless their little hearts, at least they tried, and for that I give them a C- for effort. The episode begins with the glamorous Elsa as she sits with daughter Marysol to view her wedding photos. Mama Elsa doesn’t disappoint with her commentary when she states Marysol looked like royalty while Philippe looked like the help. And when it comes to being a grandma, just forget it! That ship has long sailed as Elsa feels she is way past the grandma appropriate age of 35, and is now too old to chase after the little crumb snatchers. The topic then turns into the number of times Marysol’s been married. Marysol says 2, Elsa says 3 or 4, while Marysol feeld she needs more time to catch up to her mother.

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Next is Alexia and her favorite son little model prodigy as they discuss his modeling career. When Alexia’s not busy plastering photos of herself and her fabulous friends all over her Venue magazine, she also makes time to pull strings for Peter by hooking him up with a shoot for another more popular magazine. “You came out so beautiful,” states Alexia when looking at his modeling pics. In her interview, Alexia gets emotional as she feels Peter’s modeling and good looks – “he’s always been a good looking kid”- will help him overcome his shyness. Alexia assures us Peter is just shy and not at all like the arrogant douche he comes across as. Nice to know.

Larsa decides to throw a charity party to showcase the latest designs. All the ladies arrive and Cristy goes on to question the authenticity of Lea’s social standing in the Miami elite. Cristy doesn’t get Lea’s popularity as she is from Texas and only known for being Roy Black’s wife, while she on the other hand has been crashing parties in Miami since birth. Meow! Interesting comment though from Cristy, you know, considering she is only pseudo-famous because of her last name, which belongs to her NBA playing ex-husband.

In her interview, Lea reveals all is forgiven with Cristy, that is until the show airs close to a year later and she calls in to WWHL to issue her a verbal bitch slap. Larsa decides the best way to prevent drama at her event is by confronting Adriana on being a sh*t starter at her cooking party, though Adriana decides to play dumb on her role in starting the drama. Some models come out to model some bikinis, Adriana’s fairy godmother instructs her to model one of them, and never one to miss out on an attention whoring opportunity, Adriana obeys. Of course.

As Adriana struts her stuff, Marysol, daughter of Elsa, states, “I’ve always been attracted to people who are missing a few screws.” Meanwhile, off in one corner of the party is Larsa, Cristy and another friend of theirs as we quickly discover Larsa & Cristy’s high school mean girl clique is more than just a party of two. “She wants the attention. She’s going to walk out naked in a second,” highlariously states Larsa’s friend in what might or might not be the funniest comment of the episode. Somebody please sign her up for next season! If there is a next season that is.

Adriana and “fiance” Frederic decide they need a weekend getaway. Despite living with Frederic and having him play daddy to her son in addition to paying his school fees, Adriana is having major doubts about this relationship and needs to know if he has the right intentions. As the two do some body mud painting, Adriana sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask for a ring. Aren’t these two supposed to be engaged already? Oh well, the two get in the shower to wash off, and just as I’m haunted by flashbacks of Tamra and Eddie in a bathtub, Bravo makes certain to pan away, moving on to the next scene. Sigh of relief.

And just when you thought it was impossible, Bravo gifts us yet another cooking party. Yes this makes the 6th in a row and yes, every single episode of the RHOM has had a cooking party. What a snoozefest. Marysol asks Philippe to help, and he’s happy to. His only request is “an islands” in the kitchen. Marysol promises this cooking party will be better than the rest and done her way, so I’m expecting another pig will be sacrificed in the process.

It’s back to Adriana and Frederic and unfortunately, I might have spoken too soon as Adriana proceeds to do a strip tease for her “fiance” in a thong in front of a camera crew. Fortunately, the two proceed to finish things up in the privacy of their own room which brings forth another sigh of relief.

It’s the day of Marysol‘s cooking party as it’s becoming increasingly obvious that people in Miami do not celebrate birthdays, anniversaries, or even weddings. At this point, I’ll even take a spa day, anything but another cooking party.

There is however hope for this cooking party as it has something all the others before it did not, and that is the presence of Mama Elsa! And buckle up folks because it’s about to get interesting! Not Real Housewives of BH dinner from hell interesting, but still interesting none the least! Larsa, who doesn’t believe in psychics, decides to get a reading from Elsa. Before Elsa can even start the reading, Marysol does a quick walk-by to supply her with some liquor. Thank you Marysol. Larsa pushes for a reading with a bit of a condescending demeanor, and Elsa proceeds to tell her she’s very worried about a man aka her husband. Not a hard conclusion to come by considering Larsa’s married to a former NBA star, but I’m going to give Mama Elsa the benefit of the doubt that she did not use the google.

Larsa is taken back, like anyone would be, while Elsa advises she would prefer to do the remainder of the reading in private. UnFortunately, the conversation ends when Philippe interrupts to start his “cooking” lesson. The party then takes a turn for the boring when it becomes painfully obvious this “cooking party” was an infomercial for Philippe’s frozen foods company. “I feel like I’m in an infomercial,” states Larsa. Well, that’s because you were Larsa.

Following the infomercial, the group sits down to eat the specially made frozen salmon. The topic of Elsa’s psychic powers is brought up again and Larsa, still salty from the earlier comments, immediately dominates the convo stating she doesn’t believe in it. Elsa then tells Larsa she is “emotionally very immature,” though any living being with half a brain cell could come to that conclusion within 30 seconds of being around Larsa. In her interview, Larsa makes certain to prove Elsa wrong by stating Elsa was likely hating on her because she is “younger and cuter than everyone else.” The convo takes a turn for the nastier as Larsa states again she doesn’t believe in psychics and that she simply asked Elsa to do a reading for amusement purposes. Things get more personal when the topic of marriages is brought up as Elsa has four under her belt.

Like a hit dog, Larsa continues to holler, very loudly, getting defensive and protesting too much. Alexia makes an excellent point when she wonders why Larsa’s taking it so personally. But then again, who wouldn’t get defensive with someone telling you you’re worried about your husband and you might be poor in 10 years? Oddly enough, there have been past reports questioning the Pippens’ finances as Larsa’s husband Scottie reportedly lost over $100 million of his NBA earnings due to bad investments and poor money management. The back and forth continues while Lea keeps herself busy the entire time by yelling out inappropriate comments. Me thinks the drinks need to be kept away from Ramona Lea at all cooking parties!

Elsa begins talking to Cristy in Spanish, and a widely reported story of Cristy and her ex-husband Glen Rice is referenced. According to ESPN, Glen was arrested after he “beat a man he found hiding in his estranged wife’s closet.” While Cristy doesn’t get into details of the story on the show, she does state she wasn’t cheating because her and Glen were separated at the time. And I know this is going off topic, but why does Cristy talk in a raspy whisper? Muy annoying. The dinner ends and if there’s one thing to be learned, it is that psychics and Bravo housewives dinners do not mix!

Larsa and her friend discuss their RPP of the episode and of course it’s about Larsa’s nanny drama. Just when you thought Larsa couldn’t top herself as a rich snobby biyatcha, she does when she reveals she doesn’t like her nannies talking on the phone like especially in languages she doesn’t understand, or like to people with names she doesn’t approve of.

Next, Alexia continues to prove it’s never too late to become a stage mom when she takes her little model prodigy to a modeling agency. Alexia came prepared as she even has the pages of his magazine spread all memorized and everything. Peter takes some test shots, Alexia is taken back by his beauty and determines he’s ready for his own Ken doll. All is going well until the two proceed to get into an argument over Alexia not preventing Peter from eating before the meeting. Ultimately, it all ends well for Peter as the modeling agency decides to sign him, and Alexia feels validated that her son inherited her Barbie good looks.

Larsa and Cristy, who I’m guessing don’t have jobs or hobbies, sit poolside to rehash the dinner drama. “Elsa was doing some serious hating on me,” says the mature Larsa. Cristy cosigns her BFF and Larsa goes on to make a joke about Elsa’s looks, calling her “ugly.” Yikes. I mean, you can call her a Jocelyn Wildenstein impersonator, ponder if her face is flammable, or even ask out loud if she’s wearing a mask, but calling her ugly is where I draw the line! Foul on Larsa.

Adriana and “fiance” Frederic head out for another romantic rendezvous, and once again, Adriana brings up the status of their relationship after getting him all hot and bothered. Frederic reassures her he wants forever, but like any smart gold-digger, Adriana would prefer to have it in writing. Lea taught her well. The topic changes back to more hanky spanky and it seems Adriana is going to have to work a bit harder to get that marriage certificate. Perhaps a little liquor next time to along with the skimpy bathing suit. Well, actually the bathing suit wasn’t all that skimpy, just the person wearing it.

It’s Peter‘s graduation party and Alexia is very proud her little model prodigy is graduating high school after pushing through some life struggles. Peter’s been through so much, including having to overcome a shoulder injury and those dark stormy days when he didn’t feel like going to school. What a survivor. Alexia then reads her baby an emotional letter while Peter isn’t embarrassed in the least bit. Alexia reveals now that Peter has his diploma, she would like him to focus more on college. No, of course not! She wants him focusing on his budding modeling career full time. And my heart goes out to the lil ignored one aka Frankie, as he’ll never be able to live up to his perfect older brother Peter, nor will his mother ever get that special twinkle in her eyes when he’s the topic of conversation.

The ladies gather together for Lea‘s mysterious event, but first things first. Larsa feels the need to confront clear with air with “coconspirator” Marysol over Elsa‘s comments. Larsa feels Elsa’s reading was too much on the negative side, while Marysol just sort of agrees with her, wanting the drama to go away. The ladies talk it out and hop into a limo for Lea’s punishment payback surprise. The ladies arrive to a farm, or what is a garden, and holy seriously are you kidding me! This is yet another cooking party with yet another chef. At this point, I’m convinced Bravo is just screwing with us, better yet, this entire season of the Miami housewives has felt like one giant middle finger from the network. The ladies are not happy with the “surprise,” mosquitoes or extreme heat. In her interview, Adriana admits she’s never felt so punked in her whole life, while I’m just stunned to see her speaking out against her Queen Bee.

To end the episode and this season – yes!, the ladies sit outdoors to eat their organic weeds and leaves that they needed a chef to help create. The topic turns to Larsa hosting another cooking party, and Marysol makes a joke about bringing her mom. “You should because… my mom is a bigger bitch than yours,” replies Larsa. And this scene that Bravo has mercilessly teased all season ends up anticlimatic as Marysol fails to utter a word to defend her mother.

The season officially ends, and sigh, even the ladies’ updates were boring. Mind you, this was filmed a year ago, meaning Bravo had a year worth of updates to choose from. Kind of sums up this Miami season in a nutshell. Next week is the live reunion show. It will be interesting to see how that goes.

TELL US – THOUGHTS ON THE RECAP & FINALE EPISODE? WHO WAS IN THE WRONG – ELSA OR LARSA?

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