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On the latest episode of the Real Housewives of New York City, LuAnn has the one-liners, Kelly has the facial expressions, and Ramona has the bug-eyes. Sonja and Alex have a pretty hairy luncheon to resolve their issues, and Cindy helps the ladies go from hairy to hairless during a private spa day. And G’day, Jill…she is absent this episode while traveling Down Under.

We start with Kelly Killoren Bensimon running late for a pedicure with LuAnn de Lesseps, and in typical Countess fashion, LuAnn has to let her friend know that tardiness is not okay. “I didn’t know where to wait for you…should I wait on the corner like a hooker?” Oh LuAnn. You and your one-liners. While the ladies’ feet are pampered, they discuss LuAnn’s new boyfriend, Ross Gellar, um, Jacques and how Kelly is ready to find love, but trust issues make it harder for her. I would think her facial expressions would take a backseat to trust issues when interfering with finding Mr. Right, but what do I know. LuAnn invites Kelly to a wine-filled speed dating event hosted by Jacques, who is “in the wine distribution business”–aka what commoners consider “sales.”

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Alex McCord and Sonja Morgan head to lunch to clear the air after that whole debacle in which Alex and Simon ruined Sonja’s day (IT’S ABOUT MARRIAGE EQUALITY!!) at the parade, and Sonja, in turn, kicks Alex out of her home. I am thrilled to say that at lunch, Sonja was not a thug in a cocktail dress, but rather a yogi in a fur hat. Priceless. Sonja explains it was her fear that Simon may have been waiting in the wings at her cocktail party that caused her to (vehemently) ask Alex to leave the party. I would have been terrified too–death by red leather pants is not pretty, my friends. Alex decides to take the high road (chicken out) and ignores Sonja’s veiled insults. Alex talked a lot during this scene, but honestly, when she talks that much, I can feel my eyes glaze over and I try to go to my happy place.

Kelly meets the newest housewife Cindy Barshop for dinner. We find out that Cindy has just fired a nanny (paging Larsa Pippen, Mrs. Larsa Pippen…). Kelly reveals that she doesn’t feel comfortable going to an event honoring Ramona that Romona invited her to attend. She desperately tries to compose a three line e-mail, graciously declining the invitation, but it’s a bit more involved, as one would expect with Kelly involved. Mostly we just see the blue screen of her blackberry illuminating her blank stare as she tries to put words together.

Woo hoo! Ramona is doing another runway show! She is trying on dresses for Sonja and designer David Meister, who was brilliant/crazy enough to put Ramona in a fashion show after her crazy eyes debuted last season. Ramona tells Sonja that her feelings were hurt that Kelly would not be attending her event and reveals that she replied to Kelly’s e-mail (oh GOOD! Kelly was able to complete a thought and hit send!), telling Kelly that she won’t support her if Kelly can’t make the time to support Ramona. Isn’t this the same woman who almost laid an egg last week when she thought Kelly was going to be “crashing” her table at the Gucci charity event?

It’s time for vino with Ross and LuAnn. LuAnn has wrangled Cindy and Sonja to join as well. This whole scene is just one awkward conversation after another, starting with LuAnn telling Kelly, “I would highly recommend swallowing” when Kelly is confused apparently about how to drink wine. Kelly also confuses a poor suitor when she asks what he does for a living. He’s an actor (of course!). Clearly, the follow up question to “what do you do?” is always, “So what instrument do you play?” Awww, Kelly.

Simon throws Alex a birthday picnic in the freezing cold on Governor’s Island, which Cindy and Kelly attend. Kelly tells Cindy about Ramona’s text response. However, we learn pertinent information that Ramona didn’t tell Sonja…she sent the text at 1:30am. Cindy makes a statement that people should have learned not to drunk test in college, duh. Sure, Cindy…I’m banking that there were cell phones back when you were partying on the quad. Just because I know not to ask “why” when referring to Alex and Simon’s children, I will just mention that they are both wearing helmets. At a picnic.

Werk it gurl! The gang gathers for Ramona’s catwalk…and Ramona doesn’t disappoint. She tries to reign in the crazy eyes, but the result is still the same. Yikes. Sonja notes how much shorter Ramona is than all the other models… “She’s almost like a mascot.” Bwahahahaha!

Cindy reveals that she would be nowhere without her nannies…perhaps she is the anti-Larsa. The ladies head to Cindy’s spa Completely Bare. Dahlings, the Countess does not like to talk about hair removal. But remove it, she did…you’re welcome Ross Gellar. Also, am I missing something? Didn’t Kelly used to be a model? And she has to ask what a bikini wax was? What did she model? Burkas? That girl, just a complex person.

Speaking of models, Alex is channeling her inner awkward chicken, er, I mean “white swan” at a photo shoot. After declaring, “I’m a model,” Alex lets us in on her artistic process. “I was moving slowly, like a ballet dancer would, except I never studied ballet.” Well, you don’t say! Next you’re going to tell me you have no modeling experience! Alex moves her hands all akimbo and the poor photographer finally gives up trying to give her direction. It was all kinds of awkward.

At the event honoring Ramona’s entrepreneurial spirit, her daughter Avery points out that the Countess always backs out of Ramona’s event at the last minute…aww, I love to see a little pot-stirrer in training! Alex shows up with her birds’ nest hair… “I literally just came from a shoot.” A skeet shoot? Oh, that’s right. You’re a “model.” This show ends on the same note it started…bland. Somewhere Jill Zarin is blaming the boredom on the fact she wasn’t present for the episode.

Next week, SONJA FALLS OFF A HORSE! Ramona picks on LuAnn’s mothering skills, Ramona tries to pick a fight with Cindy’s brother, and SONJA FALLS OFF A HORSE!

On WWHL, in an odd pairing, Denise Richards and Model Alex McCord join Andy in the clubhouse. Denise is very tan, and Alex is braless. I have to give it to Denise Richards. She is quite diplomatic whether she’s talking about Alex’s modeling, Jill’s new look, or Charlie Sheen’s antics. She tells Andy that the two “communicate, but are not in the best place.” Denise also says that while she has met the goddesses, her daughters have not (thank goodness) and she does not know if Charlie is sober. Denise also reveals that her supper club with Kyle Richards and Lisa Rinna will be filmed for an episode of RHWBH.

Andy asks Alex if she’s had any work done, to which she replies she’s been using Crest Whitestips. Gracious. Andy also gets the scoop on Simon’s musical background and his new single. Best part? When Andy says he didn’t know Simon could sing, and he puts “sing” in air quotes. Classic. Sadly, the clubhouse was just as dullsville as the big apple this evening.

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