On last night’s episode of Bethenny Ever After, Christmas was celebrated, Skating With the Stars finally came to an end, and Skinnygirl reached the first stop on its big bus tour.
Bethenny starts out the day doing something millions of moms wish they could do: have their “Coordinator of Chaos”, Julie deal with the baby while they sleep in. Aaaahhh… lifestyles of the Bravo funded reality stars: Malibu lives on Downtown LA budgets. Immediately after hopping out of bed Bethenny pimps her new Skinnygirl Shapewear line by showing off her fake Kim Kardashian butt and prancing around the living room bending over and sticking out her prosthetic booty in front of her sexually harassed skating partner Ethan Burgess and poor, abused Julie and Dawa. Bethenny decides she’s to going hide how much weight she lost skating by pretending she earned her juicy booty the hard way by, you know, eating something instead of pulling on a pair of padded panties. When husband Jason Hoppy arrives, he’s not sure which is more exciting: the beach house or her new butt (which he totally believed appeared overnight??), until Bethenny burst his bubble by letting him know it was just another product placement for a Skinnygirl line she’s hawking and that sadly he’s stuck with her real butt. Oh well, better luck next time J!
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Bethenny has practiced for the finale of Skating with the B-list Celebrities Stars where she talks about feeling Ethan’s balls (you know our Beth – never without a cheap sexual innuendo at the ready) and expresses how excited she is that soon it will all be over.
Next it is time to start cramming Christmas in – Bethenny lets us know “Christmas, you my bitch” and everything is going to be perfect no matter what, despite how busy she is because all the people working for her can plan it for her. Bethenny and her “team” -including Cookie and Jason– go to the Christmas tree farm to choose and cut down a tree for Bryn‘s first Christmas. They all sport really cute Santa hats, even Bryn and Cookie, and Bryn gets to meet Faux Santa in the form of the farm owner who has a big white beard and a Christmas themed sweatshirt. Bethenny has a mini freak out over Jason holding a saw anywhere within 50 feet of her. Jason gets to pick out a tree and indulge his inner “Paul Bunyan” by chopping it down himself. Instead of Babe the Blue Ox as his trusty sidekick he only gets Cookie though. Faux Santa takes Bethenny and Jason on a romantic ride down the country roads of his tree farm by throwing them in the back of his 40-year-old rickety pickup sans seatbelts and telling them to hold on! Um – yikes! Poor Cookie doesn’t stand a chance. After surviving the ride from hell Jason is compelled to profess his love and devotion to Bethenny and it was very sweet. Everything about Jason is very sweet – he is a wonderful man. Even when he farts while putting up the Christmas tree! 😉
The Hoppys then take a ride on the Santa Midnight Express Train wearing their jammies, where they met “Dot” the most overly enthusiastic, schmoozing for TV elf I have ever seen. Somewhere in the back of her mind Dot was thinking she could get some of Bravo’s dollars for Christmas in the form of a reality show about the real lives of Christmas Elves. Bethenny reveals that she actually enjoyed something about her childhood – Christmas! Christmas was always amazing and she wants Bryn to have that same feeling – yay – Bernadette you did something right. At Bethenny’s pre-Christmas house meeting her “team” is forced into the ugly Christmas sweaters Julie had to comb every thrift store in LA County to find. Jason’s was sooo awful – good job on that score, Julz! I was hoping Bryn would get a mini ugly Christmas sweater, but sadly she just gets a really precious little Cindy Lou Who Outfit. Jason, Bethenny, and Bryn take their Christmas pictures and later while whispering sweet nothings to each other, wearing reindeer antlers and ugly Christmas sweaters, Cookie, the master opportunist, raids the Christmas feast and makes off like a bandit. All she wants for Christmas are some leftovers, dammit! I love Cookie!
The Skating With The Stars Finale FINALLY arrives and Bethenny comes in second! Good for her and her skating outfit was amazing! Bethenny is so incredibly relieved it’s over. I will miss Ethan. To sign my keep Ethan on Bravo petition, please see below!
Returning to New York, Bethenny and Julie read new writer Nick’s “bedtime story of food” about eating their way through a street fair which he has written for Bethenny’s blog and it is awesome. So eloquently written. So lovely. All the food he is describing got me so excited for snacks I had to go indulge my inner Skinnygirl and eat a Weight Watcher’s Ice Cream. It got Ms. Frankel excited too, but in a very different way. ICK – classic Beth TMI. I love Nick. MORE NICK, BRAVO!
After discovering his blogging gold potential, Nick and Bethenny go on a “celibate date” to a fancy restaurant and discuss the future of Nick’s career as a Skinnygirl blogger. Bethenny decides Nick isn’t qualified to be her bitch and listen to her plethora of inappropriate comments while dragging around all her dresses, etc., but he is perfect for educating even her about food. Bethenny repays the favor by giving Nick some dating advice that comes straight from her brand new book: A Place of Yes errrr… I mean her heart – yep it comes straight from her heart, that’s what I meant. Don’t worry guys – Bethenny makes sure to plug her Skinnygirl margarita by drinking it during dinner so we won’t forget that she is the original Bravo mogul.
Following the eating of two bites of food at dinner with Nick, the next day while getting ready for the big Skinnygirl bus tour Bethenny yells at everyone about being “lean and mean” and not bringing too much stuff. Gathering up her “traveling circus” of a team, Bethenny brings on yet another employee to help her do all the things the rest of us can handle perfectly well by ourselves; like pack a suitcase and a diaper bag in the same day. Then she issues her bus rule: “Rule number 1 is: ‘No number 2 on the bus’,” ummm… ew…classy, Frankel. By the way – did anyone notice Bryn’s adorable Adidas tracksuit matched the Skinnygirl bus? Cutest thing ever! During all the excitement over the tour bus, an over-zealous Bethenny breaks the cooler in the back of the bus by jumping on it, so Jason – wearing a very unfortunate brown murtleneck – plays a practical joke on Bethenny by getting bus driver “Mouse” to pretend Bethenny will have to pay $1,000.00 to fix the cooler. Bethenny tries to get Jason to take the rap – and pay for it even though they are married and presumably share finances – to no avail.
When they arrive at the auditorium, Bethenny learns she has sold out the show after Bravo gave tickets away free to promote her ventures since they get 10% of everything she makes– oh I mean, because she has a lot of fans dedicated to her Skinnygirl brand. It was actually really scary seeing the “Bethenny Cult” in action dancing in the seats, freaking out and cheering crazily at her impending arrival. I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to handle it!
Next week – Season Finale of BEA! Bethenny uses – surprise, surprise – inappropriate language in front of her in-laws and learns that Skinnygirl is getting bought for millions!
So – would you go see the Skinnygirl Tour? Do you think Nick is faking his awkward, shy, goofiness for the cameras? How long will it take before Dawa gets annoyed and quits after being asked to look at Bethenny in her underwear?