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Ahh, Real Housewives of New York…this week we say G’day to Jill (have you missed her?  She missed you!), Sonja reveals the housewives’ pecking order to newbie Cindy, Kelly and Ramona call a truce (??), LuAnn makes it clear that shopping parties are not her glass of pinot cup of tea, and Alex finds her (slightly grating) voice when it comes to holding her own.

Jill returns to lunch with LuAnn, Kelly and Sonja, and the first thing out of Jill’s mouth is that she is done mouthing off about others.  No. More. Gossip. From. Jill.  And 5-4-3-2… “Oh, I want to be out of the gossip and the garbage, but sometimes I get sucked back in…”  Kelly’s threat drunk text from Ramona resurfaces and the ladies learn Kelly is going to meet Ramona for lunch the following day.  Sonja is concerned that Kelly isn’t quite ready to confront meet with Ramona, and thus begins the role-playing to prepare Kelly for the inevitable barrage of Rameddling.  If Ramona ever gets the flu this season, I think Sonja could easily just grab a glass of pinot grigio, do Ramona better than Ramona does Ramona, and we viewers would be none the wiser.

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Alex and Simon get Francois a piano for his birthday, complete with Julliard trained teacher…and sadly, when he tries to play it, he is lectured about getting his fingerprints on it.  Alex reminds us that the perfect piano isn’t just about being impeccably tuned, it also has to match the decor.  I have no words, other than, buy your kid some legos!  I hate to dwell, but I was reminded of two weeks ago when the boys had helmets on. For. No. Reason. at Alex’s birthday picnic, yet no helmets on last week while riding around all willy-nilly on four-wheelers at Cindy’s party.  Sorry, I know that’s off subject, but it really has been on my (tiny little) mind.

RaSonja decides to be Kelly’s bodyguard when she has to meet with the original Ramona.  Together, Ramona’s leather skirt and Sonja’s leather top would make the perfect S&M cheerleader outfit.  Ramona apologizes for the drunken booty call late night text, and Kelly accepts the apology while bringing up how Ramona threw her under the bus on Scary Island.  There is some very diplomatic therapy-speak (“I’m sorry you feel that I intended to unwittingly make you feel that I feel…”), and the ladies are all best biffles frememies.  Sonja invites Cindy over to lecture her about telling Kelly that Sonja was going to ambush Kelly at the toaster oven cooking party (mouthful).   The meeting is already off on the wrong foot because Cindy dances with her Sonya’s butler/houseman/staff/insert Sonja’s term for her employees here.  Sonja (bam!) puts Cindy in her place (seriously?  do people really talk like this??) by “standing up for Ramona” berating Cindy for Not. Having. PINOT GRIGIO!!! at Cindy’s own birthday party.  “Ramona Singer’s a star, and you have to understand that,” Sonja educates.  “In her world,” retorts Cindy, holding her own more than I expected…”It’s your world now,” Sonja ‘reminds’ her.  Can I get a “Meow??”

LuAnn joins Ramona for a glass of wine and finds herself smack dab in the middle of a Mary Kay True Faith jewelry party.  After some awkward chatting about how LuAnn is glad to see Ramona deviating from crosses, the Countess grills Ramona on her lack of knowledge about the origin of her name brand Pinot.  LuAnn also semi-chastises Ramona for her behavior at Cindy’s birthday party.  I was kind of distracted during this scene, because in LuAnn’s interview scenes, the giant butterfly necklace trying to choke the Countess seemed to fly away, and was missing in later segments.

Cindy meets Kelly for a walk in Central Park to dish on her meeting with Sonja (hasn’t Cindy learned her lesson about Kelly’s loose lips??) and the two ladies coincidentally (cough, cough) run into Jill.  Kelly relays Sonja’s pecking order to Ms. Zarin, and it seems that while Jill believes Sonja truly isn’t a “mean girl” she has clearly been learning some bad habits by spending too much time with Ramona.  And speaking of Sonja, MY EYES, MY EYES!  A very Rainbow Brite meets Captain(ess) America Sonja poses for some sort of baseball/firefighter calendar.  I am very distraught at the moment, and I am more than grateful for a commercial break to compose myself.

Kelly and Sargeant Pepper LuAnn join Sonja for her toaster oven cooking class, and apparently, 1) she is planning on marketing a cookbook based on this “idea” and 2) she has apparently cooked for royalty with this method.  (Way) across town, Jill heads to Brooklyn to make amends with Alex, and I have to say, Jill is laying it on thick until she minces her words and accidentally insinuates that Alex doesn’t work out…but fear not, there is an apology on the horizon that Alex is skeptical to accept.  Speaking of apologies, Cindy meets Ramona to hear her mea culpa while Ramona’s crazy runway eyes take center stage.

It’s dueling failed apologies!  Back in Brooklyn, Alex uses the ‘B’ word…and it’s not the one which rhymes with “stitch”–it’s the much worse ‘B’ word as far as Jill is concerned.  You know, the one that sounds a lot like Fethfinney.  Ding, ding, ding!   Round one is over with these ladies, but Ramona and Cindy are just getting into it.  A very smug Ramona takes a lot of low blows at a visibly upset Cindy, implying that Cindy may be happier and more understanding if she knew what it was like to be in a long and happy marriage ala RaMario.  I felt a bit bad for Cindy, as she has clearly tried to make the life for herself she desired, even if it came about unconventionally.  Meanwhile, Jill is spilling her guts and trying her darndest to make amends with Alex…is it sincere?  Hell if I know, but it seems as if the ladies have laid down their weapons for the most part.  In an effort to earn their Dear-Diary-Girl-Scout-Fire-Starting badge, Jill and Alex literally burn their grievances on the grill.

Next week, the ladies seem to be taking sides regarding Ramona, and a very Tudor-esque (dirty Marie Antoinette??) Sonja shows her bum…literally…multiple times.

The always adorable Kelly Ripa joins Andy in the clubhouse on Watch What Happens Live. Celebrating Cinco de Mayo, Kelly reveals that she is Mexican (her husband Mark Consuelos is half-Mexican) by marriage and funky time.  While tonight I felt like Sonja did Ramona better than Ramona, Kelly takes it to a whole other level and out-Alex’s Alex when it comes to modeling.  Priceless.  I love how obvious it is that Kelly is a tried and true housewives fan, not just another celeb visiting with Andy…it’s extremely relatable.

If Pinot-gregi-ohs become an actual cereal, it will be the major breakfast of champions.  I needed to be eating it when Kelly revealed that her threesome dream housewife was Nene.  It’s game time, and Kelly’s husband Mark is delivering his wife the favorite drinks of past guests for Cinco de Drinko.  The first drink isn’t even out of Mark’s hand (white wine with ice and a straw) before she’s yelling out Danielle Staub.  Kelly starts off strong, but falls behind as the drinks keep coming.  The poll results are revealed–what is the true  housewives’ pecking order?–and Jill Zarin is the queen bee with Kelly Bensimon being the low lady on the totem pole.  Do you think the poll results are accurate?  Mazel!

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