Last night’s episode of Mob Wives was about lying liars and the lies they tell, oh and boyfriend hatin’ mafia princess Renee Graziano. Meanwhile Karen Gravano and Drita D’avanzo are still upset about last weeks fight about some guy they both like. Carla Facciolo’s boyfriend is grabbing a** all over town, well he’s grabbing almost everyone’s a**, and Renee just wants everyone to get along by acknowledging that she is always right about everything!
The show started out with Drita going to Carla’s to rehash the “Karen Loves Lee Forever” fight from last week. She is still upset that Karen called Lee a “scumbag.” Hey, truth hurts… Carla comments that a man should never come between friends. Drita explains to us that she went easy on Karen because if she wasn’t such a good friend she would f*ck her up especially because Karen was talking about Lee where her kids might hear. Across town in a parallel universe, Karen is complaining to Renee about Drita! For some reason Renee keeps repeating that Drita is a coward and owes Karen an apology? Karen says she she doesn’t feel like the situation is cleared up. You know I think I agree!
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At Drita’s house, because she and husband Lee have rekindled their relationship, we have to listen to a plethora of prison phone calls between the two of them. How expensive is this girl’s phone bill with all these collect calls? Drita is planning to get an evil eye tattoo and Lee wants her to get it on the back of her neck. Given the backstabbing biatches she’s friends with that is the perfect location! Luckily we are spared any sort of phone sex nonsense. Oh wait, nevermind – all of a sudden Lee is asking Drita for T&A sexy lingerie pictures and talking about uhhh… I pushed mute just in case. T.M.I. people!
In yet another lunch, Carla and Renee meet to talk about Lee – Staten Island’s most desirable prison inmate. They re-hash the Drita vs.Karen thing again! Can we let this thing die already, girls? Move onto some other friendship/boyfriend drama already, please! Oh, here we go – Renee deciding it’s her business to decide who everyone dates, tells Carla she does not like her boyfriend. Carla is annoyed and states if she keeps bringing him up they’re going to have issues and that she is going to tell her boyfriend Renee is talking about him. Um… why? What’s he going to do? Renee decides to try and smooth things over with all her friends that she has offended with her loud-mouthed, meddling, attention-seeking behavior because no one is getting along so she is going to have a dinner party. When Renee invites Drita to dinner, she pretends it will just be her, Carla, and Renee; lying about inviting Karen because otherwise Drita will not come. I think in mafia world this is known as a “set up.”
At Renee’s house, her friend – a fellow mafia princess – comes over and Renee has 30 years of “jail mail” spread out over the counter as the perfect segue to advertise her new business JAIL MAIL, Inc: “We’re not incorporated, we’re INCARCERATED!” Yes – that is the slogan. Apparently if you are just simply tooo busy to write your incarcerated loved one a letter or birthday card a website run by Renee will send a card to them automatically, filling in all the important details, like “I miss you,” I love you,” “Please don’t come home soon!” Renee explains that Junior’s recent return trip to the pen has inspired this venture which is sure to be very lucrative on Staten Island. Aaaaahhh… locked up loved ones – the gift that keeps on giving. Later Renee, meets with a website designer to build her JAIL MAIL site and she is pretty much describing any 15-year-old girl’s MySpace page circa 2007 when she explains what she wants the site to look like: ‘I want bright sparkly letters against a black background, and lots and lots of little cartoon people, and stamps and glitter, and a lip print, and Lisa Frank Unicorns dancing through rainbows, and an Usher song!’
The day has finally arrived for the sexy prison photoshoot, Drita shows up at the studio, outfits in tow because apparently all the money Lee “made” robbing banks is paying for quite the designer wardrobe. The shoot was actually far less risqué than I expected – far less risqué than some other photoshoots I’ve seen on reality TV lately – but she definitely Mafia Queen’d it up with a fur coat draped over a bikini! After all – it’s not an episode of Mob Wives without two things: a fight and a fur! And speaking of which…
Back at Renee’s house in Drama Land – which is like Candy Land only less fun and with tequila -Renee is enraged because she has received a threatening and rude text message from Carla’s boyfriend. Just so you know, Renee’s definition of threatening is also shared by one Kelly Bensimon, because the text reads: “This is the last time I’m going to tell you, keep my name out of your mouth.” Which I guess is a little threatening, but considering Renee has apparently been bad-mouthing this man all over town, maybe it’s justified. Anyways, the woman who screams the F* word in front of her son and tells him about her wasted exploits at the bar is just sooooo upset that her son AJ saw this text. So Renee calls Carla’s boyfriend in front of the son she is so concerned about and according to Renee, Carla’s boyfriend told her off. Of course, Renee did nothing to provoke this and now Renee is blaming Carla, mysteriously, and claiming to break off their friendship if things don’t resolve at the dinner party. Dramatic much?
Finally it’s Renee’s nightmare dinner. Carla and Drita arrive wearing fur, expecting this will go down badly. Drita shows off her enormous evil eye tattoo and claims it is to ward off people who don’t wish well for her in her life – like her husband, maybe, or Renee? Renee issues a rule for the party: There will be no yelling, but there will be much drinking! At the dinner table, there are four places set because Renee announces there will be “four b*tches!” surprising Carla and Drita who thought it would just be the three of them as guests. Well, this is going to end badly and I don’t need Renee’s psychic to tell me that.
When asked about the fourth seat, Renee admits she lied about how many people she invited and declares: “That will be the first time and the last time I will lie.” Carla (how many glasses of wine has she had?!) bursts out laughing and, you know, calls Renee out and says, quite simply: “You lie.” Speaking of evil eye… Renee has one and it is burning a hole right through Carla. After Carla pushes her, Renee admits she will “enhance a story,” just for dramatic effect, sometimes. Only sometimes. Carla co-signs the “enhanced” part.
They start bickering more about Carla’s boyfriend and Renee claims he touched Karen’s a** while he was drunk. And Carla is like yeah, I know – he slapped her ass. So? Which is clearly NOT the right response because then Renee gets really pissed. So Carla calls her jealous. And then the surprise guest arrives! It’s Karen and she hears the yelling from the street and for some reason goes in anyways. Karen’s big entrance does nothing to deter the argument – in fact the big mystery surprise guest barley registers with the other girls. Renee asks Karen about the butt grab, Karen says Carla’s boyfriend (does this guy have a name?) is a “grouper” who grabbed her butt at Drita’s birthday party. Carla then does some math and points out to Renee that her boyfriend grabbed Drita’s butt, and Karen’s butt, and her butt, and the waiter’s, and the bartender’s, and the coatcheck girl’s, and the janitor’s – everybody’s, but not… Renee’s!
Uh oh… Renee, furious, sipping slowly from her “Who’s The Boss” wine glass realizes she is – the boss that is, and she is not going to be disrespected in her own home. So she freaks out! Again! And flips a table – oh, whoops wrong show. No actually, more bickering, then Renee walks over to Carla’s side of the table and gets in her face, prompting Carla to stand up, and HOLY CAT FIGHT! Hair pulling, face shoving, wrestling down to the ground. Drita and Karen are jumping into the mix trying to break them up with Drita pulling Renee off Carla by her hair! After breaking apart, a crazed Renee spends some time Danielle Staub-ing her yanked weave and readjusting it – at least that’s what it looked like she was doing.
Carla admits its crazy to be having a “wrestling match” in the middle of Renee’s dining room, but they start at it again! We catch a shot of the Vh1 cameraman looking totally annoyed and he obviously can’t believe this is job. If we could see the thought bubble floating over his head, I’m pretty sure it would say: “Six years of NYU film school for this?” According to Carla, Renee just doesn’t like anyone’s husbands or boyfriends and that is the real reason for the disagreement. Unable to let it go, Renee attacks Carla again about the “nasty” text message that defiled her son’s virgin ears with its crass language and context. Then Karen is yelling, the producer is breaking them up, Drita is ripping her shoes off, Carla is freaking out – and duh, duh, duh… To Be Continued!
Next Week: More Fights! Karen flings a vase, and Drita is the calm one?
So, would you assault someone in your dining room after receiving that text message? Who do you think is right – Carla or Renee?