On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey they celebrated Halloween with some serious drama and some serious fashion. The annual Posche Trashion show is back with Teresa, Jacqueline, and Melissa as models, Caroline puts her foot down on family drama, Kathy tries an unsuccessful Gorga mediation. Oh and The Kims re-emerge!
The show started on a happy note with Teresa and her Made For TV family, Caroline and Jacqueline getting together with their kids to carve Jack-o-lanterns with Danielle’s face on them. Scary! Naturally they begin talking about the Christening Day Masacre, and all the kids are pushed aside somewhere so the ladies can dish. While Teresa is telling the story of how push came to shove came to insanity, Caroline is standing there, arms crossed, giving the hairy eyeball and reminding Teresa that it’s her family, and family’s first – so she better fix things, because after all, the Posche Fashion Show is happening. Frankly, I’m shocked anyone would invite Teresa after last years “incidents,” but hey, The Kims love them some dramz! Tersea puts Caroline in her place by declaring she doesn’t need any advice from mommy dearest, because she is the matriarch of her family and knows just how to manipulate handle them.
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Teresa explains that her new-found fame and cookbook are the reason for the sibling unrest. She also lets us know that her husband Jr. Mafia Joe has decided that if Non-Juicy Joe ever speaks to her like that again, there’s gonna be some problems. MORE problems? I don’t think I can handle it. Instead of Scary Island; we’ve got Scary Marble Mansion over here in Jersey.
At Kathy’s house, Melissa and Non-Juicy Joe come over for dinner. And guess what they’re all talking about? Melissa’s awesome bedazzled hat! No – just kidding – they’re talking about the Christening, of course. More specifically, about how Teresa tortured Melissa’s son Little Joey (seriously – can these people get a little more creative with the names) by dancing with him at the Christening and not staying in her place, since after all the perfectly behaved Gorgas knew not to interact with the TV cameras anyone at Teresa’s Christening last year. If I had a dollar for every time I typed Christening the last couple weeks – whew! I’d be buying Teresa’s house at the foreclosure auction!
Kathy attempts to defend Non-Juicy (and Teresa) by explaining they have the Gorga “switch” and they snap…. Yeah, we know Kathy – cameras don’t lie! So, why did Joe snap at the Christening? Well, he was drunk his brother-in-law is poisoning his father’s mind and has been verbally abusing poor Joe for years. Seriously is Non-Juicy a soap opera actor? So dramatic! At the end of the day, everyone blames Teresa for ruining everything. Everything that’s ever happened ever – well it’s all Teresa’s fault. Melissa wonders what on earth can she do to make amends before the important Posche fashion show. Well, maybe just not go? I dunno – that works for me when I want to avoid someone… Oh what am I saying?! A fame whore follows the cameras anywhere!
At beautiful and elegant Poshce, Kim “D” for Dah-rama emerges! Melissa and Kathy show up to do some shopping and after seeing how amaaaazing Melissa’s model walk is (that wasn’t staged or anything) Kim D asks her to be part of the Posche Trashion Show too! Didn’t Kim D pull this crap on Teresa last year with Danielle? Bethenny Frankel needs to instruct Kim D to get a hobby, because girlfriend needs one besides trifling! Is that still a word or is it just as out as “hip” is? Anyways, Melissa is just soooo honored and surprised that she was asked to walk in New York Fashion Week – oh, errr… I mean the Posche Trashion Show!
And then Kim “G” arrives with much cuter hair! And guess what Kim G and Melissa have in common? They both hate Teresa’s “fat crooked ass!” I see Kim G is up to her old tricks too. You know what they say – can’t teach an old lady, new tricks! Kathy looks appalled and shocked and frankly, good for you, Kathy. You should look appalled that grown women act this way. Melissa on the other hand is practically exploding with glee that Kim is snarking on Teresa though she doesn’t join in.
Caroline introduces us to daughter Lauren’s new Beauty Bar/Make-up line. Uh-oh is this like Gretchen Christine Boo-tay? Or did Lauren actually, like, make the product herself? Caroline, is of course incredibly proud of her daughter and already talking about expanding Lauren’s make up line into an “empire” – she should call Gretchen for some tips! Lauren lets us know that despite the fact that her brothers have ditched Caroline for their own lives, she ain’t goin’ no where! No where except the Posche Trashion Show because she will be doing the make-up. Despite her refusal to attend last year’s spectacle, Caroline will also be there “with bells on,” but only because it is being held at The Brownstone at Bravo’s insistence. Lauren “predicts” there will be no drama, which of course means there will be drama out the wazoo! Scary Runway – here we come!
Speaking of scary, it’s Halloween at the Giudices and just what is Teresa’s costume?! She’s Super T – her own superhero! She flies around embarrassing her daughters and causing trouble! Actually – her costume is really cute. Also celebrating Halloween are Melissa and Non-Juicy who are young and fun and they party! Woo Hoo! So what are they dressed up as? A sexy cat who turns people on and…
Teresa Snooki! Yep – Joe dressed in drag as Snooki! Which looks hot (!?) according to Melissa. Kathy describes it accurately, when she calls Joe in drag, a “trainwreck that you want to look away from but you can’t.” Melissa invites Kim D. to a Halloween party with her and Drag-eresa, so of course Kim G. tags along! What are The Kims dressed up as? Witches? Old Hags? No actually hookers! Kathy expresses reservations about The Kims, because she clearly has a brain; which is something the Giudice and Gorga girls lack.
They Party Bus to some club where the topic of conversation is, of course, Teresa and will Melissa talk to her at the fashion show? Melissa feels she is owed an apology from her husband from Teresa because of what happened at the Christening. Kathy says she plans on talking to Teresa, because she believes Teresa feels really bad about what happened.
At Jacqueline’s house she and Teresa are getting ready to attend the Trashion Show. To make sure they are on their best behavior, since they want to redeem themselves after last year’s disaster, Jacqueline and Teresa are guzzling champagne and eating prosciutto. Prosciutto? Jacqueline admits she is really nervous, but Teresa – she loves being a star so she doesn’t care at all! Surprisingly, Teresa already knows Melissa is walking in the show (Is Kim D losing her drama touch!) and is laid-back about it – expecting that they will see each other and things will be fine; she’s just going to be “normal” with her. Wow – Teresa? Where did Teresa go?
Jacqueline points out that being “normal” with Melissa isn’t possible since every time Teresa says hello or congratulations to her, sh*t hits the fan. Teresa explains a fashion show (just like a Christening) isn’t the place to have family drama. You think? As if reading Teresa’s mind, Kathy, from across town in a salon that has no prosciutto, asks Melissa what she will do if Teresa approaches her and acts normally? Melissa declares she wants an apology since Teresa ruined her child’s day. Kathy encourages Melissa to see how things pan out, but says she wants to have a talk with her.
When Teresa and Jacqueline arrive backstage at the fashion show Melissa and Kathy are already there getting made up and Teresa simply says hello like nothing happened. Like they didn’t just have an “explosive Christening” she was entirely responsible for. Melissa is pissed of course. And Teresa – well Melissa doesn’t phase her. Does she look phased? Um… actually no. Crazed maybe, but phased no. When Caroline arrives back stage, she is all business. All Lauren’s business and all Brownstone business. She issues an ultimatum to Kathy and Melissa – if there’s a problem – slip out the back door! Um… I bet all the dollars I made typing the word Christening that will never happen. If there is a problem, no one is going to be soft shoeing it to the exit door – more like galloping onto the stage to throw a table or a punch or yank a weave. I mean, this is Teresa, and now Melissa, we’re talking about here.
After the models – Teresa and Jacqueline – in matching sparkly disco dresses Bravo is forcing them to wear from Alexis Couture – go through hair and make-up, they do something un-modely and eat dinner. During dinner, Kim G, roams the room looking to stir up sh*t. And that’s where the drama starts – with old a** Kim G in a prom dress, who immediately sidles up to Melissa and starts quizzing her about Teresa. Teresa, true to form, starts getting aggravated and wants to know when Kim celebrated her 70th birthday? Jumping to her partner in crime friend’s defense to let us know Kim G is actually 54, is Kim “Dah-rama” D, who has conveniently seated herself at the table most prone to insanity – Teresa’s! Watching all of this closely is mama hawk Caroline, who has no interest in Kim G’s kind or Kathy’s actually, as she points out. So why is she sitting with Kim D?
The Trashion Show starts. Jacqueline is nervous but very cute. Melissa goes next, and nerves? What are those? She owns this stage, b*tches! Melissa explains she felt like “a peacock” with all the feathers on her dress and she just felt alive and like that’s where she needed to be. Huh? Peacock is a good thing? Like your husband looking hot dressed as his sister is a good thing? Personally I think Melissa’s dress looked more like Big Bird On- Ice, but whatev! And next up is Teresa! Caroline explains that though Teresa is a “dynamo,” something was off and she thinks its because everyone knows the situation with her finances. Demonstrating that she is actually a real friend, Caroline expresses her sympathy. Kim G – she asks if their table, featuring Melissa’s sisters – should boo Teresa? Nice Kim – classy.
Backstage after the show, things are eerily calm. Too calm, according to Jacqueline, who describes it as a ticking time bomb. And then; tick, tick tick – Ka-boom! Kathy invites Teresa to have a chat and for some bizarre reason Teresa goes. Guess what they talk about? The Christening! Kathy wants to know why Teresa hasn’t talked to Non-Juicy Joe. And Teresa explains since her brother is an animal she can’t speak human to him cause he just, like, doesn’t understand. Kathy keeps pushing Teresa to call her brother and essentially blaming Teresa for what happened at you know where. Poor Teresa, she is trying to keep her cool but then Kathy reminds Teresa that her daughter Audriana was left unattended during the fight and Kathy had to grab her. Wait – did Kathy yell at Melissa for leaving her son unattended?
Well that’s it – bomb explodes. Teresa starts screaming across the room to her mother asking if Kathy had Audriana at the Christening. But Kathy did have Audriana no? Teresa’s mom yells at Kathy and tells her she should be ashamed. Caroline steps in and tries to calm things down, but yeah this is Teresa we are dealing with here. Melissa, clearly delusional complains about everyone yelling and screaming and Teresa who is now moving furniture (oh no!! furniture and Teresa do not mix well!) asks: “Isn’t that what your husband always does?” Touche! Forgetting that at The Brownstone Mama Caroline rules the roost, she tells Melissa and Kathy to take their drama elsewhere and “kill each other in your own homes” and seriously kicks them out of The Brownstone!! Whoa! That’s where things end, with Kathy and Melissa hauling their crap outside looking furious!
Next week: The drama continues! Caroline’s kids move out, Ashley is still a mess, and Kathy tries to make amends with Caroline. Oh, And Teresa writes Non-Juicy Joe a letter.
On a special Watch What Happens Live, Teresa and Jacqueline are in the clubhouse! And Jackie is wearing her special Alexis Couture sparkles! The word of the night is: JOE! Teresa shows off her a**! And speaking of asses, Andy wants to know if Kim G is constipated because she is always trying to start crap! G to the Eeya shows the ladies how modeling is really done. Andy asks for the reactions to the season premiere and both ladies were emotional about it. The game is New Jersey Faida Bella Famiglia or Italian Family Feud! Jacqueline wins and she gets a Taylor Ham – which she stuffs up her dress in a very pornographic way! The Poll question is: “Whose side are YOU on: Melissa or Teresa?” Teresa takes it in a landslide – 92%!
So, is Melissa to blame for the brawl? Who looks hotter in a dress – Real Teresa or Drag-eresa? Who is more drama– Kim D or Kim G?