On Thursday’s episode of the Real Housewives of New York, “Misfortune Teller,” the ladies
invade begin their vacation in Morocco, with separate flights for the brunettes and blondes, of course. Hang on to your hangers magic carpets. Yeh bebe, it’s time for Morocco, Manhattan style!
yeh bebe dahlings, LuAnn, Jill, Kelly and Cindy arrive, and LuAnn has given up her Countess title for that of Moroccan Ambassador of Travel and Hospitality. I’ll give it to her though, the accommodations, excuse me, riad (man, my Arabic is on fire!), she has secured are beyond amazing. Flying in the following day are Alex, Ramona and Sonja, with Ramona repeatedly reminding anyone who will listen that she will require all of the comforts of home, a.k.a., “pinot grigio at all times.”
On their van ride to the ladies’ compound, Ramona and Sonja quickly become those Americans that give the rest of us a bad name. Between the talk of too much dust and too many goats, poor Alex nervously laughs and quietly cringes between the brash duo. When the ladies get to the riad, Sonja is concerned about her luggage being stolen, and–please correct me if I’m wrong–Ramona takes one look at LuAnn and Jill in their kaftans and calls them “wounded warriors.” And thus the train wreck that is Ramona begins in slow motion…
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The brunettes relax poolside while the newest arrivals settle in and unpack…well, except for Ramona who kindly asks the staff to unpack her bags while she oversees. The brunettes dish about sex, and Cindy acts very sheltered and slightly appalled when the ladies joke about sex tapes. I’m confused, isn’t this the woman who made her fortune bedazzling vajayjays? Cindy leaves the dirty talk only to find that HORROR!! her hangers have been stolen. She throws a fit, because, you know, that is totally the worst thing that could happen to someone when vacationing in a luxurious and exotic locale. LuAnn, always the voice of reason, states that “with Ramona you should pick your battles, and hangers aren’t worth it.”
Alex takes a much needed nap while Sonja and Ramona traipse into the desert
for alcohol, leaving the brunettes alone for lunch. It becomes a meal of Sonja bashing, although LuAnn (surprisingly) plays nice. It’s almost like Scary Island, but instead of she who shall not be named (hint, it rhymes with Fethfenny) being the mean girl, it’s as if Kelly’s head has sprouted on “someone’s” skinny margarita touting multi-million dollar neck.
Jill runs into her friend Brad (Bravo loves a coincidence, although Jill later reveals she knew he was there), and he invites the ladies to his birthday party that evening. He also makes it VERY clear that he isn’t a fan of Ramona. Back at the maison, Sonja and Ramona are wasted, and LuAnn tries to lure Ramona to hang out with the crew with promises of white wine. In case you weren’t convinced that this is Scary Island Part Deux, Kelly is munching on her infamous jelly beans.
LuAnn has invited a famous Moroccan designer to join the ladies and create signature kaftan gowns for each of them. Sonja and Ramona’s drunken antics are beyond ridiculous, and Alex seems to be second guessing her allegiance to Team Blonde. I am predicting a drastic (and darker) hair color change in Alex’s near future. Alex is mortified that Sonja and Ramona command the designer to put another log on the fire and goes outside to get the firewood herself. Sonja rambles on about how they are in a riad, not the jihad. I, for one, hope this episode gets Sonja placed on a no-fly list, as I don’t necessarily want her representing our country overseas.
Brad’s party isn’t at a house, but rather a bed and breakfast (how tacky!). There is a snake charmer, and I must admit that Jill is more than likeable playing with the snakes (maybe she’s used to it with her group of friends?), while Sonja classily asks if the ooze coming from the cobra’s mouth is venom or semen. A fortune teller arrives and immediately tells Jill that she talks too much. Jill (and the rest of the viewing public) are convinced that she must be legitimate based on this statement alone. Among her other predictions? Sonja must learn that money isn’t everything when choosing a man (good luck with that) and Kelly will have that third child she’s desired. The psychic also ominously warns Ramona (in French, which is awkward since Ramona only speaks pinot) that there is another woman she should be worried about. Fade to black and to be continued…
Next week, Sonja gets into it with her ally Ramona when she seems to buy into the fortune teller’s statement regarding a potentially straying Mario. Cindy accuses Sonja of being too bossy, LuAnn almost gets bucked off a camel, and Jill and Ramona’s fight comes to a near explosion, leaving Ramona overly-Ramotional, in an ugly (and hilariously dramatic) sob session on her bed.
In the Watch What Happens Live clubhouse is Ramona and my new love Willie Geist of Morning Joe. Ramona is clearly a couple
bottles glasses of pinot in, and Willie is blatantly making fun of pretty much everything she does. The poll question is whose passport should be revoked, and Willie pinpoints Ramona for that title. Andy counts the amount of times the word “hangers” is used in this episode, Sonja’s sexual innuendos are highlighted, and there’s a special Ramoroccan Remix. Willie attempts to psycho-analyze Ramona’s pinotarity, but clueless (drunk?) Ramona doesn’t pick up on his sarcasm. Did I mention I love him?
Andy Darling shares LuAnn’s lessons in Moroccan class. The game is Ships-A-Boy, inspired by Fleet Week and Andy and I are both concerned that Ramona is going to spill pinot all over the clubhouse. The sailors that Ramona and Willie are playing for win Hooters gift certificates. Ramona hocks her products and goes off on the Countess who tweets about how the fortune teller was so correct with her predictions for all the ladies. The Navy, Marines, and Coast Guard are more than worthy of Andy’s Mazel and the Queen is the Jackhole for dissing Obama’s toast. The poll results are in and the winner (loser) by a landslide is Ramona! Shocking–Mazel!