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Did you grab your box of tissue? Prepared to shed a tear over the last episode of a season that has given you so much? Think about it…the bathtub porn, the bull-riding, the fashion shows (plural!), and the heartache. I am almost sad to see it all come to end…almost. The finale does not disappoint with all the Real Housewives of the OC (past and present!) coming together (and kicking some ass) at Vicki’s annual fall party.

“I realized Donn didn’t love me the way it takes to stay married…after I filed, I realized that.” As Vicki is getting ready for her party, she can’t stop the waterworks. Her poor make-up artist is applying Preparation H to her puffy eyes, while we learn that Vicki has filed for divorce and hasn’t spoken to Donn in over a week. He won’t return any of her calls or e-mails. From her previous statement, it almost sounds like she filed for divorce to get Donn’s attention and expected him to beg her not to leave him. I can’t blame ol’ Donn for not speaking to Vicki–he’s probably hurt and angry she did this while filming so it would be on the show!

Tamra and Eddie are back at the scene of the softcore porn, and shockingly there’s wine involved. Tamra is “shaking” because she’s nervous about seeing Jeana. If I didn’t know any better, I’d assume she was already planning a confrontation that could potentially ruin her biffle Vicki’s shindig. No, Tamra would never do anything like that, would she?

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Across Coto, Gretchen and Slave, I mean Slade, are having breakfast in bed. Gretchen, of course, is in full pageant make-up. Slade doesn’t want to accompany her to Vicki’s party, but he caves since he basically does whatever Gretchen tells him to do. Gretchen reveals that she is taking a lesson from Jeff’s playbook and living life as if each day could be your last–and that includes enjoying her relationship with Slade.

Dylan, a.k.a. Jim, Jr.. arrives at the Bellinos to dress Alexis for the fall party. For as long as I live, I will NEVER get why this woman needs an assistant, but whatevs. This entire scene is one hilarious line after another. Dylan is trying desperately to get some actual clothing on Alexis, but she wants to show what God gave her. He quips, “What do you want to be in? A bustier and a thong??” No, silly, that would be tacky…some tasteful boyshorts would be better. After choosing a slinky orange dress, Alexis proclaims, “There will be no food going into this body tonight.” In my opinion, it’s not quite the most appropriate joke one who has just come forward with eating issues could make, but it is Alexis, so I’ll chalk it up to ditziness. Alexis joins her “hot” friends in the kitchen and models for creepy Jim, Sr. She opines about how the liberals have messed up the natural order of things, allowing women to run for President or some other such nonsense. Yep, that Sarah Palin–she would have been an even more liberal VP than Dan Quayle! Because she apparently knows her place, Alexis reveals that with she and Jumbo, “the divorce word has never come up…yet.” That ‘yet’ is telling, no?

Vicki’s son Michael tries to console his mom, and regardless of how you feel about Vicki, you have to feel badly for her kids. Michael says he never talks to his biological father and considers Donn to be his real dad. I hope they are able to maintain that relationship.

In the limo on the way over to the party, Tamra takes a few seconds to show her concern for Vicki before quickly making it all about herself. She reads to Eddie the cease and desist letter she plans to give to Jeana, which is random. Since it was written by someone at his daddy’s law firm, I assume he already knows what it says. Plus, it’s awkward to watch her stumble over some of the more difficult words, like “and/or.” Tamra twice says Jeana needs a slap in the face while Eddie reminds her to keep her cool. A slap in the face, huh? Perhaps with a sis and desist letter?

Brianna tells her mother that Donn has been calling her but, much like Donn isn’t returning Vicki’s calls, Brianna isn’t returning Donn’s calls. Tamra arrives and agrees to be Vicki’s buffer when guests ask about Donn. Tamra asks Vicki how she should handle Jeana. Vicki invited Jeana to the party since she lives down the street and would see the cars, but seems to be second-guessing that adult decision when she hears Tamra plans to “hit her with the sis and desist” during the party.

Peggy and Micah arrive and both of them appear to be hitting on Eddie. I could have gone my entire life without seeing that exchange involving oysters where Peggy is all, should we eat them and get horny, and Eddie thinks it would be better to just let him get horny and have all the ladies reap the benefits. I threw up in my mouth a little just typing that. Tammy and Dolly Parton arrive—wait, you say that was Quinn??–with Jeana not far behind. Ladies, again may I remind you, you left the show for a reason. Vicki apparently asked Jeana to respect she and Donn’s privacy regarding the divorce, and Jeana’s response is a kind and sensitive “whatever.”

Back in her house, with the party outside in full swing, Vicki is back in meltdown mode. Tamra tries everything to stop her tears, including feeling her up and talking about insurance. I’ll have to remember those little gems next time I see someone get teary. Alexis arrives with her entourage (sans Jumbo) and Tamra enlists Peggy to help spread the word to guests to not ask Vicki about Donn. Now, I assume that Tamra was hoping she would complete this task discreetly, but basically Peggy pulls out a megaphone and starts yelling at guests not to mention Donn’s name. The always kind-hearted Jeana is certain Vicki will be just fine, stating, “She’s been through this before so she knows what she’s doing.” Mee and Yow.

All of the housewives head up to Vicki’s bathroom to give her a pep talk, and the cast forms a united front as Vicki (finally!!) joins her party. Eddie, for one, does a great job talking to Vicki without bringing up Donn. So he’s good at something, even if it’s not picking out shirts or girlfriends.

Peggy seems to have three one too many cocktails and confronts Alexis about her constant jabs at her throughout the season. Gretchen tries to referee, but walks away when she realizes it’s a lost cause. Alexis drops the F-bomb while stating she doesn’t really care about Peggy’s issues with her, because, you know, that’s what Jesus would do. This fight is absolutely ridiculous. I feel like all of loud, drunk, increasingly annoying Peggy’s accusations are spot-on, but Alexis responds with by air-kissing her lips and boobies and showering her surgically enhanced body parts with love, much like a child who sticks her fingers in her ears, yelling “I’m not listening! I’m not listening!”

Also drunk, former housewife Tammy spills her drink on Vicki while ignoring the cardinal rule and asking about Donn. Welcome back, Tammy, welcome back. Not to be out-drunk (out-drank? less drunk than a former housewife?) a slightly slurring Peggy pulls Jeana aside to tell her how upset Tamra is. Because that won’t start anything.

Tamra and Jeana get into it, with Jeana telling Tamra that the interview she gave wasn’t even ABOUT she and Simon…it was supposed to be about Vicki and Donn’s divorce. Duh. So much for that whole “Please respect our privacy” thing. Tamra goes on the attack with Quinn’s scary Kim Z. wig ominously present in the background. Jeana laughs passive aggressively and Tamra literally throws the cease and desist letter in her face. Tamra has a future as a process server perhaps? Jeana threatens to “throw [her] skinny little ass in the pool” and Tamra chucks her wine right in Jeana’s eye. Money shot! Jeana retaliates with her drink, but misses and hits a Tamra lookalike, Peggy’s friend Mishel (really? Not Michelle??). Mishel goes ballistic and shoves Jeana. Jeana’s friend Ben (or as Tamra would say, “pocket gay”) in turn throws a drink on Mishel who starts screaming about her fifteen hundred dollar dress.

Tamra follows Jeana and PG Ben out of the party, hurling insults the entire time. Speaking of hurling, PG attempts to hurl a champagne flute at Tamra, but he totally should have gone for the underhand toss…Quinn gets into it with Mishel and ends up following Jeana home for a past housewives reunion.

Tamra tells anyone who will listen, mommy included, that Jeana pushed her, lunged at her, tried to push her in the pool. Hmm….Bravo must have edited that part out of the episode. Alexis and Gretchen are the most unlikely pair to try to console Tamra, and Gretchen takes the opportunity to remind Tamra that what Jeana is doing to her is eerily similar to what Tamra did to Gretchen. At first Tamra seems receptive to Gretchen’s statements but then she makes a face that says otherwise. Me thinks Tamra doesn’t need any more close-ups this episode. Vicki comically reminds everyone that the party’s drama was supposed to be focused on her divorce.

The season is over (thank God?) and Bravo’s recaps for these ladies are lame to say the least. Gretchen has been shopping for wedding gowns but has yet to buy one. Tamra has introduced her children with Simon to Eddie and her divorce is weeks away from being finalized. Brianna (wait, did I miss something?) has moved home with Vicki, putting her move on hold. She talks to Donn regularly and considers him to be her dad. Vicki has her home for sale to the tune of $2,695,000 and continues with her divorce proceedings. Alexis insists that while Jim dated Peggy first, there is no competition, and finally Peggy continues to shun junk food, prescription drugs and Alexis. What? No Fernanda?

On WWHL, New York Rangers hockey player Sean Avery is in the clubhouse, and Peggy Tanous is filling in for Vicki Gunvalson. I know nothing about hockey or Sean Avery, but I wouldn’t be upset to see he and Willie Geist have their own show together. The poll is Whose Side Are You On–Tamra or Jeana? Sean says he’s going to vote for Tamra but it’s a tough call because he really doesn’t care for either of them. Sean reveals that part of his problem with Tamra is that he doesn’t like Eddie’s shirts. When questioned about who he’d like to hit with a proverbial hockey stick, Sean takes aim at Ramona, and when asked about his feelings on Slade, he turns out to be a big fan of Slade’s mom. His dry, stoner-like delivery is hilarious.

There’s a clip from the reunion, and it’s clear that Alexis never learned from Peggy or Jim about their past relationship. Alexis calls in and Sean is basically laughing at her the entire time. Alexis accuses Peggy of using her to get more camera time, and Peggy admits to Alexis that she was embarrassed to have dated Jim. The original Alexis Couture makes an appearance and even she takes a dig at OC Alexis by saying she would NEVER name her clothing line after herself. The porn star makes a good point. Andy reveals that Tamra wins the poll by a 60/40 margin. Mazel!

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