On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey it was all about Family Feuds (which sadly did not include the game show). Teresa behaves appropriately, Kathy just wants to be liked, The Caroline discovered a new medium for interfering in people’s lives, and Jacqueline helped broker the Gorga Peace Treaty.
The episode started out with The Caroline preparing for her big radio debut by using her friend Dolores to act as a Teresa-imposter so she can “practice” administering advice for “Caroline Rules” her new show on New Jersey 101.5. For some reason The Caroline is nervous about being her bossy self in public, despite spending a couple seasons on a reality show doing just that! Caroline brings up Teresa’s bankruptcy judgment and pending auction – describing that her friend has a lot on her plate and things are out of control in her life.
In the Gorga household, Alexis 2.0 Jersey Jesus Midge (Barbie’s brunette friend!) is thanking Jesus that peace is being made today between Teresa and Non-Juicy Joe, as she helps her husband untuck his shirt just so to avoid looking messy. Meanwhile in Foreclosed Marble Mansion-Land (aka the Giudice residence) Teresa is also getting ready and announces that Joe needs to do something about Melissa because she is leading their family down a crooked road with all of her poison! Ummm… I thought poison was something used to make babies according to Joe Gorga? Teresa declares: “A wife makes it or a wife breaks it” and therefore it is Joe’s responsibility to put Melissa in check! Is it also Jr Mafia’s responsibility to put Teresa in check – because frankly I don’t think that’s possible (see: Bankruptcy spending.) After adjusting his cross and refolding his letter from Teresa, Joe is off to demand an apology from his sister, the villainess.
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At the restaurant a nervous Teresa waits for Non-Juicy so they can start the super awkward conversation of blaming each other! Joe asks Teresa to explain what she apologized for in her letter and she is stupefied – unable to explain (luckily she is saved by the waiter bringing them some wine). Before letting her answer Joe accuses Teresa of neglecting his family and his wife – which a clip showed a couple episodes back dispels! A remarkably calm heavily sedated Teresa manages to sit at a table without throwing it or screaming in his face as they have a conversation about the dissolution of their family which was basically Joe blaming Teresa for being fake, not personally inviting him to a book signing, arguing with Kathy, and shunning Melissa. Joe also gives one of his awesome analogies when stating even if Melissa is the biggest whore in town their parents shouldn’t care! Oh, Joe… where do you come up with this stuff? Joe doesn’t own up to have any part in maaaaybe causing this feud – I mean afterall Melissa did send like the rudest card ever about Tree’s re-done house which we discover was the payback for an earlier loan comment made by Tre! Joe advises Teresa that her “tell it like it is” attitude offends people. He also thinks part of the problem is that Jr Mafia Joe hates him. I kept waiting for Teresa to throw a drink in his face or something, but alas I was disappointed.
Teresa reveals that before Melissa married Joe, she and Kathy (who had awesome 80’s hair back in the day!) were very close so Kathy gave her marital advice to put the relationship with hubby Joe before the relationship with her brother. Creepy, much? You love your little bro more than the man you married? Has Teresa met Cindy Barshop? I think they might have something in common! Even more creepy Non-Juicy Joe points out how eerily similar Teresa and Melissa are: “Yous like the same thing, yous are both flashy…” and apparently competition over who has the most glitter in their hair or rhinestones bedazzled on their bed linens led to their not getting along.
Joe explains how he met Melissa while she was wearing a leopard print bikini (and he was totally attracted to her personality – wink, wink!) and despite his two previous failed engagements she was the one! Teresa – not buying it (and that’s about the only thing Teresa has ever not bought) – reveals that Melissa and Joe met and almost immediately Melissa moved into Non-Juicy’s big fancy home and a couple months later they were married. Teresa says she knows what game gold-diggin’ Melissa was trying to play! In the end Teresa says she wants their family to reunite and decides she will call Melissa to try and make amends. Joe acts justified like Teresa should be begging for forgiveness, because after all according to him she “sucks.” Good for you Teresa! I cannot even believe how humble and sane you were being – seriously – I had to rewind to make sure I wasn’t experiencing a wine-induced delusion!
Kathy and Rich are visiting the “Gorga Family Accountants”, also known as the Hizas who have hired a chef to cater their dinner which is apparently just not the Italian way according to Kathy. Of course, the conversation is about Joe vs. Teresa – otherwise known as the ONLY topic of conversation in Franklin Lakes, NJ. Doesn’t Danielle still live there? Joe is very sedate in describing the convo and admits that Teresa seemed like she is trying. The Hizas, obviously feeling smug that they are not the Giudices’ accountants, snark on their impending remediation auction and call Teresa “rude.” I noticed only Joe said anything at all in her defense and admits he would help his sister if she asked. Kathy, who seriously needs to teach a tutorial to the Bravo Housewives (Kathy’s Financial Takeover), issues some sage advice: “mindless spending will catch up with you eventually,” in reference to the Giudice bankruptcy as a result of their depleting Italy of all its marble tiles.
The Caroline is arriving at New Jersey 101.5 for “Caroline Rules” and is having major apprehension no one will call. Clinging to her one remaining child, Caroline makes Lauren come with her for moral support. The topic is Teresa and Joe Gorga Family Feuds! After a few false starts and mess-ups with the radio-prompter, The Caroline starts a-lecturin’! Still trying to prove to Caroline that she is mature and responsible, Kathy listens intently, because she really, really, reeeaaaallly respects Caroline and wants her to be her friend! Someone calls in and remarkably they have the exact same situation as Teresa and Melissa: sister-in-laws who hate each other. I think one of Melissa’s sisters was the caller since Melissa was afraid Caroline would recognize her voice!
Jacqueline goes over to Teresa’s to debrief the Non-Juicy Joe conversation. Teresa explains that the family basically had no chance to form an opinion of Melissa before they got married since the wedding happened practically the day after they met, but she is bothered by a comment Melissa made at dinner waaay back in the day, about her being smart and marrying someone with money. Jacqueline interjects, that maybe Teresa could accept that isn’t true since they have been married six years with three children. Attempting to refute the gold digger myth Teresa is putting into our minds, Melissa claims she was working three jobs when she met Joe. And after making fun of Teresa for being the kind of girl who brags about her Louboutin shoes we later see Melissa has prominently displayed Loubis shoeboxes – all artfully arranged for maximum exposure – in her closet! Oh sweet irony.
During her therapy session with Jacqueline, Teresa receives a phone call from Jr. Mafia letting her know the bankruptcy auction scheduled for the day is canceled! Wait – you were scheduled to have your Marble Mansion luxuries bought out from under you that very day and you are having a friend over to kvetch about your sister-in-law being rude to you?! Priorities, much? Jacqueline, giving her best professionally psychiatrist opinion, reveals Teresa hides her emotions and pushes things aside as if nothing is wrong. Jacqueline is lucky some crazed yard-salers looking for a deal didn’t show up, knock her off the chair she was sitting on, and offer to give her $10 bucks for it!
Teresa, deciding she is going call Melissa to arrange a sit-down doesn’t know where they should meet so an ever-patient Jacqueline
who needs a storyline volunteers her house for the meeting as neutral territory. She also reminds Teresa that sister-in-laws don’t have to be besties – they just have to get along, after all she punched Caroline in the face (and lived to tell about it!) and they can speak to each other without screaming!
At Melissa’s she is getting ready for the big show-down between Teresa and herself. Melissa admits she was wooed by Non-Juicy’s enormous house and blames his family’s dislike of her on Joe’s “Italian King” status in his parent’s eyes. Kathy comes over to offer moral support and declares that she thinks having the sit-down at Jac’s is a good idea and that she wants to make amends with Teresa as well, but will need an interpreter so Teresa understands Kathy is not attacking her – merely giving her pointers for how to be the best she can be! Doesn’t Kathy get it – Teresa has The Caroline to give her advice she can ignore!
At Jacqueline’s, she is nervous about the impending Melissa/Teresa meeting because she has very expensive furniture she does not want destroyed during a potential Hurricane Teresa. Jacqueline divulges to Caroline that the real reason she offered her house is Teresa and public places do not mix well given her history of scary outbursts – which Caroline agrees with. When Teresa shows up, Caroline and Jacqueline pretend they weren’t talking about her and quickly change the subject. Teresa divulges that sometimes friends are better than family, but family comes first. You know, I agree! Then as a thank-you to her friends for putting up with her crazy, she is inviting Jacqueline, Caroline, and The Manzo Boys to “her cabin”?? in The Catskills sans children. Which only means one thing – Jacqueline getting cray-cray on wine coolers again ala Italy!
Preparing Teresa for the conversation with Melissa, she demands that she put her “big girl panties on” and get over it! Teresa tries to backpedal and make herself the innocent, but Caroline remarks that Teresa should focus on the good and let the pettiness go. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I totally agreed with her advice there! After stressing majorly about her house being ruined, Jacqueline admits she is going to get diarrhea from nerves. Teresa on the other hand is “calm and cool as a whistle” Jacqueline says she is not letting either of them out of her house until they hug it out! So, many years from now these two old crones will emerge from the basement, depleted of wine, sequins, and AquaNet to announce it just doesn’t matter what kind of cookies Melissa bought to Christmas.
When Melissa arrives at Jacqueline‘s, she and Teresa sit down for the big tête à tête, while Jacqueline drags out the trusty baby monitor to listen in. Teresa is rational, calm, and apologetic and Melissa … comes out swinging! What?! Wasn’t she the one last week deciding they muusst end this feud? I guess we’ll have to wait and see what happens next week!
Next week: the feud continues and Melissa doesn’t want it to end, Teresa picks up the heavy artillery, Kathy might open a restaurant, and there is a family party without Teresa!
On WWHL, it’s a Las Vegas Miss USA Spectacular with Giuliana Rancic and Caroline Manzo. There is a minor-power outage where the lights went down and we get to see half of everyone’s face Phantom of The Opera style. Andy, who apparently co-hosted The Miss USA Pagent with Giuliana, puts together a mock HW pagent and everyone agrees Gretchen Christine Bee-U-Tay takes the crown!
Andy asks Caroline about Jacqueline punching her in the face and Caroline says it had to do with Jac being post-partum. We need more information! The game is Beauty Queen or Drag Queen and the ladies have to place bets on what kind of queen they are being shown a photo of – and Giuiliana wins! Her prize is a Miss WWHL sash (I want one too!) and an hour with a male escot on Bravo’s dime – no sexy times allowed though since that’s illegal! Caroline is asked who’s side she is on in the Teresa vs. Melissa feud and Caroline reveals she doesn’t take sides (really?) but she understands where Melissa is coming from. Ooooookaaaaay. The newly crowned Miss USA stops by to show off her very bright Jolly Green Giant dress. The poll question is Who Is Hotter: Teresa or Melissa? And Teresa wins in a landslide by 82%. Oddly enough, in a similar TMZ poll from a month earlier, Melissa won by 79%. So the competition rages on! I have to admit – I voted for the first time EVER in a WWHL Poll – and it was very exciting.
Have any of you caught Caroline on the radio? Thoughts? Do you think either Melissa or Teresa really want the feud to end?