On last night’s Real Housewives of New York, aptly titled “Video Killed the Countess,” it’s video time for Luann and her micro-managing sidekick Jill. Cindy forgets her manners with Sonja, and Silex hosts an art party. Ramona goes toe-to-toe with the Countess in a low blow passive aggressive smack down, and Alex may have been a “Fly Girl” in another life.
Luann meets with music producer Chris, video stylist “Jersey” and the poor director who clearly would like to be anywhere else. The Countess needs them to fully understand her vision, and what better way to do that than to keep repeating the phrase, “It always goes back to beauty, class and elegance lies within the soul.” In keeping with that theme, the video will be shot at a casino in Atlantic City, and there will be a Hummer involved. Luann is on board with A.C., but a Hummer? “You know what those are, right?” asks Jersey. Surely this part is scripted, but it’s hilarious nonetheless. The Countess replies, “When I think of beauty, class and elegance, I don’t think of a Hummer.” I bet
Ross Gellar Jacques would beg to differ. Luann would prefer a jet to a Hummer, and the men, who appear to be legitimate music industry peeps, are trying to appease their newest star diva songstress wannabe rapper. When pressed by Luann about his opinion on her song, the director describes it as “great” multiple times, and I’m worried his head may explode.
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Sonja and Ramona hit up the treadmill at the gym, with Ramona trying to be Sonja’s exercise role model. And speaking of role models, Ramona tells Sonja all about Avery’s
one-page report dissertation about how wonderful her mother is. Because of this, Ramona doesn’t want to send her daughter the wrong message by participating in Luann’s video. Ramona reminds Sonja of how provocative Luann was in her Money Can’t Buy You Class video, what with her lounging with all those half naked young men. And thank you Bravo for actually showing a clip from the video so I can fill in the memory gap. Sonja reveals that the Countess told her that son Noel wasn’t too pleased with his mom’s video. Ramona can see that, seeing as Luann is such a “weekend mom” and has very different parenting styles than she does. While Sonja loved, loved, LOVED Luann’s last video, she thinks Ramona brings up some valid points.
In Brooklyn, Silex has some friends visiting from Down Under, and Alex awkwardly dances around the grill with some ready-to-roast weenies. Her antics entice son Francois to smack her bum, to which Simon scolds, “Don’t touch what you can’t afford.” Francois is a smart kid and is pretty sure he could afford “Mommy’s butt,” and Simon tells him it’s not for sale. Thinking this lecture has gone on long enough (and I can’t say I blame him for that) Francois scampers off to find a brewsky. Simon reminds his seven (?) year old son that he must wait until he’s seventeen to start drinking beer. I’m pretty sure Alex is about to get rashy. Simon proceeds to hold court about how in Australia eighteen is the legal drinking age and how in the U.S. you can die for your country at eighteen, so by God, his boys will be drinking then too… By seventeen. I’m not going to pretend to be high and mighty here. A lot of people drink underage, and growing up I had many friends whose parents believed in the same argument (well, not the Australian drinking age part), but here’s two things: 1) They weren’t being filmed for a television show when discussing their future plans to provide alcohol to minors, and 2) they didn’t have that conversation with their second grader. Alex looks dumbfounded but of course remains mute.
Simon then reminds Alex that if she does Luann’s video, she won’t get much time with his Aussie friends. No need to worry , Simon. Alex is not doing the video because she is not a fan of the message Luann is promoting. If it was gangster rap or a showtune, Alex would be at the video shoot with bells on, but to her “class” is a bad word…so bad in fact she’ll only spell it. Someone’s trying to get on Anderson Cooper’s good side! Silex then discusses how tacky it is to discuss how well-off Alex and her three home upbringing was, even if part of it (oh horror!) was in Kansas…but only because her father owned oil fields there. Silex hates when wannabes flaunt what they have. Like three homes and oil fields, maybe? We’re only ten minutes into the show, and Simon has what may be the quote of the season, if not the entire series. “Luann’s title of the Countess? Just take out the ‘o’ and you have her true title.” Admittedly, I’m a horrible speller and a blonde, so that one took me a minute. Oh Simon, for someone claiming to always take the high road, that was…oh nevermind, it was hilarious!
Jill is at the doctor getting fitted with an electrode beanie for a brain scan because she’s having her memory tested. She is filling out a questionnaire about her personality traits. All I can say is, that poor medical technician. Jill frantically looks for drama queen in the paperwork because that will sum her up in a nutshell. Sonja joins her in the doctor’s office, and Jill tells her she’s gotten the go-ahead from Ally to do Luann’s music video. Ally thinks it’s “the coolest” but I have a hard time picturing last week’s mature and grounded Ally saying “the coolest.” Sonja tries to give Jill a heads up that she’s iffy on participating in the video due to her young daughter, and Jill goes on the defense. “Bingo, it’s Ramona!” Jill seethes when Sonja says Ramona isn’t doing the video at Avery’s request. Zack Morris time out—thigh high snakeskin boots, Jill? Really? Age appropriate much? Time in. Sonja isn’t phased by Jill’s
bullying guilt trip.
Ramona and Luann meet for lunch, and Luann is doing great besides the fact she had to come all the way across town for the meal. Let the passive aggressiveness begin! There is some discussion of Avery’s sweet sixteen, and Luann says she’s heard (you’re quick, Jill!) that Ramona won’t be doing the video. Ramona says she wants to be a role model, and she raised her daughter differently than Luann. Get in the ring! Differently? How so? Well, Ramona reminds Luann that while she spends most of her time in the City and only sees her kids on the weekends, Avery is very lucky because Ramona spends so much time with her every day. Luann gets in a comparable dig by stating that yes, Ramona is very lucky that Avery is amazing, implying that Avery had to fight against crazy-eyed odds to turn out normal. Bitch-slapping at it’s finest, the ladies are neck and neck with passive aggression. While Ramona is appreciative of Luann’s fabulous venture into the music business, she is far too good of a mother to participate in such sleaze. I’m paraphrasing of course. Ramona brings up her close knit family unit trifecta, and the gloves are off as Luann casually asks, “And how’s that going, by the way?” taking it back to the psychic reading in Morocco. Ramona is loving her eighteen years of marriage, thank you very much…it sure beats being with a man who cheats on you left and right. On that note, Luann hits the road.
Sonja invites Cindy over for breakfast–on a work day!–in hopes of mending fences. Sonja didn’t realize Cindy’s assistant would be in tow, and there isn’t a place setting for her. Awkward. Sonja has tried to cater this toaster oven extravaganza to Cindy’s liking, which I think was genuinely thoughtful. Of course, Cindy then takes a conference call and proceeds to “shush” Sonja who is bustling around her own kitchen. If Cindy couldn’t have accepted the invite without all of this, she should have politely declined. Sonja tries to pass the cutlery to Cindy’s assistant but is informed that “no, she doesn’t eat.” I’m erasing “work for Cindy Barshop” from my bucket list. Sonja snaps that Cindy is being rude, and Cindy’s response is “Give me two minutes.” Cindy finally passes the phone to her assistant, and after some deserved scolding from Sonja, the pair tensely toast with sugar free peach nectar bellinis.
Jill and Luann are getting dolled up for the video shoot and the ladies are filming in a limo (what, no Hummer?). Jill is micromanaging and Luann just wants to get her message across. She has a dear friend who told her to just go out there and do it. And of course, that dear friend is a princess, but after 5 rewinds, I was still like “Princess Who?” Dear readers, if any of you could decipher her name, please share.
Ramona and Mario are heading to Brooklyn for something Silex is hosting. Mario is clearly not a member of the Brooklyn Chamber of Commerce. Sonja’s boobs join them in the limo, and Mario can’t contain his grin. Sonja is taking supplements to deter raisin-esque breasts. It’s an art show in Silex’s home. Upon entry, Sonja has a nip slip. And scene.
In Atlantic City, Bawby joins Jill and Luann for some fun in the casino. And here comes Kelly! I had honestly forgotten about her up until now. I guess she was busy making her own way, one mistake at a time off of Bravo’s radar. Kelly is a gambling virgin and is sad for the other numbers that “7″ seems to be the best. Next week is the finale, right? Thank goodness.
Back in Brooklyn, Simon does the unthinkable and asks Ramona if she’d like some pinot grigio BEFORE she has a chance to demand it. While the pinot’s not as good as her own, and while Silex throws boring parties with bad energy, Ramona is happy not to be at the video shoot. The sad thing? Alex will probably watch that account and still defend Ramona. Sonja’s friend Brian arrives and she and Ramona feel him up to the point of awkwardness. Simon begins a speech thanking his guests for their trek to Brooklyn, and Mario is all, “Damn straight, we may as well be in Kansas (right, Alex? Full circle?). We were bitching about how far away it is the entire way here!” Or something along those lines… Even Ramona is embarrassed, and I didn’t think that was humanly possible. Don’t pull a Ramona, she advises. Sonja fills in Ramona on her breakfast with Cindy. Ohh the fork/knife pass off wasn’t for the assistant to eat, it was for the assistant to help Cindy eat. Makes sense.
Ramona invites Sonja and Alex to take a dance class with her and Avery. While Avery channels her inner Dougie, Alex reveals she is a child of hip-hop. These new dances are just the same old Roger Rabbit and M.C. Hammer (oh thirteenth birthday party, how I’d missed you!) with fancy revamped names.
At the video shoot, Kelly is disappointed that the other ladies are no-shows. Jill continues her job as stylist/director/HBIC, saving Luann from a very poodle-ish hairstyle. Luann understands that Cindy couldn’t be there because she had to be with her kids. Cindy has a legitimate reason, unlike the other women who used being with their kids as an excuse. HUH? I’m sorry…did the same woman who hates being woken up by nannies tending to her crying twins and who calls an assistant to come relieve her at lunch after ten minutes with one baby say she had to be with her kinds instead of filming the video? Jill yells action, and Luann looks like a reject from Grease’s final musical number.
The dance lesson continues, and Alex is channeling her inner gang signs. She seems oh so serious about being a hip hop goddess, and I feel bad thinking it looks like she has Tourettes Syndrome. Oh thank the Lord…Alex says she knows she can’t dance for poo, but she’d rather be sweating in the studio than at the video shoot. As much as she gets on my nerves (no more than the others though), I appreciate her ability to not take herself so seriously. It’s a concept lost on her cast mates.
As quickly as she came, Kelly is gone, and she is replaced by Jill Zarin’s PR team at the craps table. The crew is dancing around and throwing chips into the air, but all this filming is exhausting to Jill. Luann laughs at Jill’s need to control things, and continues to lip sync with the extras. Clearly, the director thinks Jill is less than “great.”
On next week’s season finally <– what a slip! Excuse me, season FINALE, Sonja and Cindy revisit that horrible breakfast, Ramona may be pregnant (WHAT??) and
Ross and Rachel Jacques and Luann celebrate their anniversary.
Flipping Out’s Jeff Lewis and Curb Your Enthusiasm’s Susie Essman join Andy in the WWHL clubhouse. The drinking game word is “Andy” but this week, he doesn’t know it either. The trio discusses the episode, and thank you, Andy–Princess LAURA. Never would have gotten that. The poll question is “Whose assistant do you feel most sorry for?” Andy does a montage about Jill, the woman who could do anything, and it’s pretty hilarious to see her called out as such a know-it-all.
In honor of Bastille Day, the pair must guess the famous female hairy armpit. No thank you. Susie wins, with one correct answer, and the prize is a $1000 gift certificate to Completely Bare. Andy gets a lot of tweets regarding how disgusting the game was, and I have to agree. I also must agree with RT that Jeff and Andy would makes a fabulous couple. If Jeff were straight, he reveals he’d do Tamra, but marry Sonja (with a prenup, of course). The mazel goes to Third Rock from the Sun actress Kristen Johnson for calling out Octo-Mom on a plane for her brood’s behavior. Poll results are in, and no one wants to be Ramona’s assistant. Mazel!
TELL US – DO YOU AGREE WITH THE BLONDES’ DECISION NOT TO DO LUANN’S VIDEO? IS JILL A JACK OF ALL TRADES? THOUGHTS ON RAMONA & LUANN’S VERBAL SMACKDOWN?