On last night’s episode of The Real Housewives of New Jersey it’s a very special holiday – Trashymas! I’m sure everyone got many, many lumps of coal. Jacqueline got one in the form of Ashely, Teresa received one in the form of Kim G, Melissa and Kathy received one in the form of Teresa, and The Caroline – well, she got diamonds. Lucky girl.
At the Giudices, they are decorating the hugest Christmas tree ever, but sadly it’s not made of money. Teresa wants us to know that because of the bankruptcy they only got a tree decorated in semi-precious metal and not the one made entirely of gold. D’ya hear that bankruptcy judge – they’re cutting back. If cutting back means driving a Benz and wearing Louboutins then I can only hope to cut back some day! Teresa also wants us to know that all she wants for Christmas is for Melissa’s bad energy to go away. ‘Cause, it gives her a headache.
Melissa is not happy because she just wants an authentic smelling tree for Christmas AND Jesus’ Birthday (which are NOT one and the same, apparently) as she is throwing Jesus like the best birthday party ever. Joey and Melissa discuss their concerns about Jr. Mafia not mixing well with others at their party since he is like totally responsible for the Christening incident. Uh huh. Joey Giudice totally caused the entire thing. Joey G-to-the-Orga and Teresa and Melissa and her sisters had nothing to do with it. Nothing. At. All. Uh huh. We learn Melissa’s hoping to be cast next season sister, Lyssa claims Joe G-to-the-Iudice’s mother punched her in the face at said Christening. Is that where Joe gets it from? Melissa makes it clear NOTHING is going to ruin Jesus’ party!
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Teresa complains about being like stalked by the tabloids she gives paid interviews to like Brangelina. Cause they’re like the same. You know – A list celebrities. Seriously. If Teresa and Joe are like as important as Brad and Angelina I guess they need their own celebrity name – how about Teroe? Joeresa? Joe isn’t worried about the “stupid bankruptcy” and his potential jail time, which they have kept from their daughters. Joe also doesn’t care about her “chicken ass” cousin Kathy and her husband, and he certainly doesn’t care about Teresa’s brother Golden Joey whom she loves so very much. Jr. Mafia wants Tre to focus on her immediate family.
At Jacqueline’s it’s awful Ashley’s birthday! And Jacqueline is giving her a protection necklace from her psychic. Oh Jac – you should have gotten her a session with a psychiatrist. Jacqueline lets Ashely know her real present was supposed to be a surprise visit from her real dad, but he wasn’t able to make it last-minute. Jac elaborates, Ashley puts him on a pedestal despite his absenteeism and respects her real dad more than Jac and Chris. Ashley is genuinely upset he can’t make it and it’s nice to see her behaving like a real human instead of a zombie camera chasing fool.
Ashley calls her dad to let him know they are celebrating her birthday over dinner, which is apparently being held at Jurassic Park Asia. Maybe a dinosaur will leap out and eat Ashley? Maybe that’s why they picked it? Lauren definitely doesn’t want to sit next to the whiny, entitled brat. While Lauren makes fun of Ashley re-getting the same type of car she f*cked up last time; sweet, sweet Albie thinks its good, though. Ashley and her friends get ready and since it’s her party she can be as late as she wants. Ashley’s friends interview her about why she got her car and Ashley takes this opportunity to say she wishes Chris, her step-dad and her were closer because money shouldn’t buy a relationship. This coming from the person who wanted her step-father to PAY for her NYC apartment. So she doesn’t have to work. Ashley feels she is much closer to her real father, who doesn’t have to live with her and can choose to not answer the phone when she calls. Ashley spends the entire dinner texting even after Jacqueline calls her out for her rudeness. Oh Ashley, please move to Texas and get off this show. For the viewer’s sake.
Melissa is planning Jesus’ Birthday with her party planner “Fabulous Fred.” See, Melissa is very close to God and he expects her to throw a very special party for his son so she needs the most important party planner in New Jersey. Was Fred wearing a cape? Yes he was. And is he planning to feature an ice sculpture of ME-lissa and Non-Juicy in the entry? Yes he is. Wait – if this is Jesus’ party why isn’t there a sculpture of him in the entry? What does Jesus want people to do on his birthday? Gamble! Yep, nothing says bless this evening in Jesus’ name like blackjack! Melissa lets us know she would NEVER throw a party this lavish and expensive without donating to children around this time of year. Well, that’s nice. I guess they need some way to write off all these “events” on their taxes. After deciding they want costly “beautiful people” with good grammar to serve people who have no grasp of the English language instead of cheap rolly-polly’s (cause Jesus is judgmental!), Joe explains the $50,000.00 spent is worth it for the kids. I’m confused – is this party for Jesus or for the children or for Joey G-to-the-Orga and ME-lissa?
Kathy is decorating with her family and some professional Christmas decorators by putting up the Griswald’s light display outside of their house. In the middle of putting a Mardi Gras mask on the top of the tree, Melissa calls to talk about Kathy being cordial to Teresa at Jesus’ no-drama birthday party. Richie and Kathy discuss the matter on the way to the party and Kathy decides to take a mature approach so another party isn’t ruined with Gorgadice issues.
The Caroline and Albert Sr. visit the jeweller. The Caroline addresses sibling rivalry explaining how she sometimes fights with her siblings and it isn’t pretty, so she doesn’t want that for her children. Caroline commissioned very special bracelets representing how their family is thick as thieves. Actually that is a very sweet gesture and Albert seemed really moved by the sentiment.
It’s party time at the G-to-the-Orgas! And look out because it’s ME-lissa’s night (wait – not Jesus’?) As she is getting ready, a sans make-up, Melissa explains she doesn’t care who doesn’t get along – she is ready to get her drink on! In Jesus’ name of course! Melissa and Non-Juicy Joe chat about what they would do without each other and Melissa explains if he ever left her she would “cut it right off.” Well, that’s um… well, it’s nice to know she takes her love for Joe so seriously. Melissa realizes her g-string is showing and she can’t have her thong visible through her wedding dress. Melissa’s sister, Lyssa advises her to just go without cause Jesus don’t care about underwear! Melissa doesn’t want her crotch hanging out, though! Especially since this party is for TV charity. Kathy looks really grossed out by Lyssa’s suggestion. Yeah – me too.
Teresa is getting her perfect on for her brother’s Christmas party. Teresa is annoyed because Melissa allegedly stole her hairdresser Evelyn. An hairdresser cannot work for two people? Joey G-to-the-Iudice is dragging his feet on leaving in a repeat of the Christening. Clearly he does not enjoy associating with people with whom he owes money (which means he should become an Agoraphobic). Teresa claims it’s Melissa’s family that makes things difficult – and she has a point, perhaps. Getting into the car, Joe gives his wife some advice as she stands there in her big furry coat – if anyone says sh*t to you at the party he is going to give ‘em his best Chuck Norris roundhouse to the face. Jr. Mafia is a really flexible guy…
Jesus’ Birthday Party is finally here and to celebrate ME-lissa is wearing her tiara and a sequined mini dress. Albie compares their house to the Bellagio. Um… please don’t insult the Bellagio. Melissa is ecstatic about the party and the bar going on in her “li-berry”. Luckily many people are donating toys in exchange for Gorga-money! Admitting she loves a photo-op, Melissa poses on the red carpet with her sister and Kathy. While perfecting their “step and repeat”, Joey G-to-the-Orga starts whistling and cat calling Kathy, so Richie puts him in his f*ckin’ place.
The Caroline and Jacqueline arrive and are sort of appropriately appalled. Lauren is having déjà-vu after feeling like she was recently at a housewarming party exactly like this.. I wonder whose party that was? Teresa is predictably late and misses the speech by the St. Joseph’s hospital representative. Jr. Mafia Joe gripes all the way there and Teresa advises him to just walk away from drama. That’s rich coming from her!
And finally the drama begins! Everyone is cordial to o each other upon the GIuidices arrival so Kathy decides to say hello. And things start off nicely with many “nice to see you’s” until suddenly, Teresa challenges Kathy with an “oh NOW it’s nice to see me?” Kathy gets very emotional and sort of flips out after acknowledging “some things don’t change,” and calls Teresa a “f*cking bitch” to her sister, Rosie O’Donell. Kathy and Rich go into the bathroom for a powwow about Kathy being a fool. Rich let’s her know he’ll burn the place down if she wants him to. After venting about what a bitch Teresa is, Kathy fills Melissa in, who is empathetic but seems… concerned. Teresa is ON. THE. LOOSE. Kathy explains her life doesn’t revolve around Teresa Giudice (just her reality show) and advises Teresa from her bible: Chicken Soup for the Jersey Soul to wrap a sweater around her icy, cold heart.
Drama begins anew when Melissa’s brother-in-law confronts Joey G-to-the-Iudice about the $1,000 he owes him. Joe is like “who me? Owe somebody money? Must be Gorga.” Joe actually handles it well when he advises the guy to call him about it later and walks away to find his wife who finds Melissa to warn her about her brother-in-law being such an a**-hole. Melissa is super pissed and goes to find her Brother-in-law to calm the situation down and tells him to let it go. Teresa is very, very, very proud of her Juicy for not punching Melissa’s BIL in the face.
And to add more gas to the fire here comes Kim Granny-tel bringing with her an uninvited surprise guest – Monica Chacone – who is ready to rumble – party for charity or not! Kim and Monica make a toast to “People learning to control themselves.” Riiiiight. Joe warns Teresa not to say a word to Monica and everyone realizes Kim G has invited her on purpose. Teresa wants Melissa and Non-Juicy to ask Monica to leave. Melissa actually obliges, stating Kim getting involved in Teresa’s financial issues is where she draws the line. The Caroline warns her to speak to Kim privately – cause she knows how Kim G rolls.
Melissa graciously speaks to Kim in private about her incredibly poor choice in uninvited guest. Teresa, Jacqueline, and Caroline stand by twittering in anticipation about Kim and her plus one being kicked out. After Kim assures Melissa, Monica isn’t afraid of Teresa, Melissa advises Kim that Monica should leave since this a holiday party that has already had too much drama and needs no more. Kim, unfortunately, just isn’t able to accommodate the hostess! Seriously – she is the RUDEST and most terrible person ever!
Jacqueline decides she is going to go talk to Kim, who is haggling with Non-Juicy about Monica’s ability to behave. The Gorgas are holding firm though – NO MONICA ALLOWED. Joey spells it right out – “Monica’s gotta go.” Jacqueline tells Kim to stop and Kim just won’t. After complaining about what a nightmare Teresa is, I wonder why is Monica at the party intentionally inflaming the situation? Poor Melissa having to deal with this! Kim seriously will not let it go and Non-Juicy is practically carrying Monica out. I must commend them – the Gorgas handled it superbly! With excellent decorum. Kim tries another angle saying she wants to speak to Teresa to end the vendetta. Um, yeah right! Monica finally goes, but Kim stays to carry the drama torch! Well, I guess if all Jesus wanted for his birthday was trouble – he got it!
On WWHL it’s the two-year anniversary spectacular with Melissa and Joey and a Jersey Tan Andy C! Melissa had on some boots. The drinking game word is “Joe.” Joe wants to talk about what happens in the bedroom. Melissa confronts the Evelyn drama and claims she and Teresa have shared Evelyn for years. There’s a Joe G-to-the-Orga sexy times remix. Joe reveals he is 5’6! Schizah! The game is Dare or Dare? And Joey gets a lot of dares from the viewers. And he does them all!! And he’s actually really funny! Melissa gives Andy a Mazel Hat! <3 Joe says Teresa has changed since appearing on the show but does not elaborate. Melissa explains her Freudian slip re: “a wench like me” during Amazing Grace. The Poll Question is: “Who would YOU rather Giudice or Gorga?” And Gorga baaarely wins the poll! Who watched the Afterparty? Did Andy get a Joey G-to-the-Orga lap dance? Until next time: Jersey Wishes and Bridge & Tunnel dreams!
Next week – Kim gets schooled by The Caroline! And Christopher escorts her out the door!
What’s your take on the situation? Were you impressed with the way Melissa handled things? Who is to blame for the drama? Should Teresa have accepted Kathy’s olive branch?