The first Bethenny-less season of The Real Housewives of New York City finally came sputtering to an end- coasting on flimsy hopes and raw inertia ‘til the bitter, dusty end with Andy Cohen selling what’s left of it for scraps. It was a season of false promises, false reconciliations, and of course – false friendships, but never (wink,wink) false dramas. There were feuds, middle eastern nightmares, thugs in cocktail dresses, dueling sweet sixteens and dueling (un)fabulous forty-year-olds (and one pinot-sodden fifty-year-old), musical ineptitude galore, and Jill Zarin remaining the same old Jill Zarin – filled with a plethora of advice, snarkitude, and red-headed fury; proving that she alone will drive this jalopy ‘til it drives no more. Go, Jill, Go!
The Season Finale begins with The Countess speaking (“Chic, C’est La Vie! Si bon! Si bon!”) to her music producer – naturally they are discussing what a runaway success her song Chic, C’est La Vie will become. Chris surprises LuAnn with a friend of his, who just happened to stop by – a friend who just happens to be Natalie King Cole.
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In the midst of discussing how classy LuAnn is (do we know the same LuAnn, Nat?), Natalie does an ACES imitation of The Count-less singing Money Can’t Buy You Class – seriously – I need a meme of that moment STAT. LuLu reveals she is planning a one-year anniversary party for Jacques and invites Ms. Cole and her considerable talents to the momentous occasion. Natalie offers to sing under one condition: LuAnn must duet with her! The Countess is beside herself with glee – finally a REAL celebrity is validating what she’s known all along: she’s a classy broad dame and she can sing! LuAnn agrees to the duet, dahling, but admits she simply must practice first – um, yes… A. Lot. Oh dear. Please let Anderson Cooper cover this on The Ridiculist again. Please, Anderson, if you are reading this – humor me!
At Pinot Singer’s, Silex arrives for supper and the talk is of aging canines and aging ovaries. Mario comments they got a dog for Avery instead of a sibling and poor Ramona wishes they had a second child. Well, it’s never too late, is it? Avery announces Ramenopause still gets her period and that she wants a sibling and so does the dog. Avery shares with us Pinot’s anti-aging secret: apparently, getting your period into your 50’s helps prevent wrinkles, ladies, along with Tru Renewal Skin Care, of course. Ramona says when Avery leaves for college she will really regret not having another child. By the time Sonja arrives the talk has turned to tennis at Mario’s request.
Over dinner, Alex receives a phone call. And surprise! It’s The Classless inviting Alex to her anniversary party where everyone presumes an engagement will be announced.. Simon wants to know what will become of The Countess’ title if LuAnn marries Jacques? LuLu is willing to forsake it for love, because while she may lose her title – she will never lose the accompanying ego class. Alex agrees to attend the party, and informs us that although 80% of the time LuAnn is completely insufferable, 20% of the time she is actually very fun. I guess Bravo failed to capture that 20% this season. When Alex returns, she apologizes for taking her call and Sonja lets Alex know she has better manners than some guests – like the one she recently had over for breakfast!
Alex is doing a fashion editorial for a magazine called The Block and wonders if she is cool enough for the mag. Hey, valid concerns – especially since this is her first ever editorial! Simon arrives to pick Alex up and shooting hasn’t even started yet, which gets him antsy about being late to an engagement they have immediately after. Alex wants him to “cool his jets, cause mama’s makin’ mon-nee.” Some member of Silex needs to pay the mortgage!
During the shoot, Simon announces Alex and Lady Gaga were recently members of the same very exclusive list: US Weekly’s WORST DRESSED of 2010! Ok – I burst out laughing there. And you know all of you did, too. Frankly, I’m surprised Simon wasn’t also keeping her company on that same list.
Sonja and Cindy meet at a flower market and Sonja has brought with her several dead animals in sartorial form. Things immediately start out testily, as Cindy tells us they are AGAIN trying to make amends, but she doesn’t know why? Cindy confronts Sonja about how inconsistent her personality seems – sometimes Sonja is hoity-toity Mrs. Sonja Morgan and sometimes she is fun and kooky plain ol’ Sonja Morgan. Sonja wonders which Mrs. Morgan, Cindy perceived her to be when she came over for breakfast and treated her like the hired help whilst Cindy attended to her conference call?
Sonja is still upset about the incident, exclaiming she didn’t know how to react – perhaps Cindy wanted Sonja’s input during the call and that is why she chose to take it at the table? Cindy instructs Sonja to: “Stay focused, please,” nodding her head impatiently as Sonja recounts the other time Cindy rudely instructed her to stop doing something – you know, when she was in her own kitchen preparing them breakfast. An enraged Sonja announces: “I don’t think The Churchills would say that to me! I don’t think anyone would say that to me!” Well, except Cindy. Sonja reveals she is hurt by what happened.
The argument goes on and on and according to Cindy, Sonja is “completely derailed” while she was thinking about what she is going to wear tomorrow. Cindy offers a
condescending different perspective of the events: she thought Sonja could learn something about business from listening in on her conference call. The argument dissolves into who treats their staff with less respect (that’s a tough one!) until Cindy announces she is done and stomps out. I guess that friendship is terminated.
Pinot Singer drops by Sonja’s for a “pick me up” because she is feeling a little weak. Sonja offers her a drink but, Pinot Singer makes a disturbing announcement – she can’t drink Pinot! Sonja is flummoxed – who is this woman? Where is her friend – the Pinot she knows and loves? She immediately places a hand on Ramona’s forehead to feel for a temperature, but Pinot simply opens up her coat and flashes Sonja her exploding melons, leading Sonja to enquire: “Are you pregnant?!”
Of course she is – but Mario doesn’t know yet! The gals are ecstatic about Ramona’s ‘change of life baby’, which will make everyone in their clique very jealous. Sonja sagely explains her doctor informed her she has a “very young uterus” and the 55-year-old Pinot-holic Ramona must as well. Ramona proudly announces she is “late” and her breasts are huge and painful – and the last time things felt this way, she was prego with Avery. Sonja concurs she knew something was off with Ramona when during her dinner party Ramona had no taste for alcohol.
LuAnn’s anniversary party has finally arrived and it is taking place on a yacht. Kelly, wearing her Michelin Man suit, arrives with Cindy, and Kelly is worried she may have to walk the plank to get on the boat. Le sigh. Yes, this woman expects us to believe she went to Columbia University. Silex arrives and Alex informs us that while she may not believe in LuAnn she believes in love, and because this party is a celebration of the latter and not the former she is attending and she promises not to push LuAnn off the boat. LuAnn greets her children on the boat and tells her son: “I miss you, “ making me wonder if Ramona has a point about her weekend parenting… . And we meet her mama – who is cute.
Jillzy FINALLY appears mid-way through the episode and immediately swoops in with a much needed snarky comment about not understanding a one-year dating gala. Oh, Jill – for all your proclamations about changing you haven’t – not one iota and I wouldn’t have it any other way. Cindy and Kelly decide to go upstairs to meet the captain in the hopes he is a single, hottie, desperate enough to consider one of them. As they are walking away the Mean Tweet Police aka Kelly, notices Silex iphone-ing. She is perplexed – are they tweeting back and forth about their own hotness? At a party?
Ramenopause and her sidekick Sonja finally arrive – late (Ramona’s late a lot lately!) and we get a full-body shot of what three women who do not own full length mirrors are wearing: Alex in a hot pink hot pants suit, Ramona is a very age inappropriate low-cut, leopard micro-mini, and Sonja is a very busty leopard gown. Mario observes the claws are coming out tonight. And moments later the claws come out razor sharp when Jillzy suggests LuAnn confront Ramona about being 30 minutes late to the party. LuAnn wisely ignores it. Ramona provides us with a history lesson, as she explains she thinks it’s odd LuAnn is celebrating her anniversary with Jacques by taking everyone on a boat trip around the Statue of Liberty, which apparently was brought to the U.S. by her ex-husband’s family.
Mario knows something is up with his wife and pulls her aside – 53-year-old Ramona finally reveals she thinks she may be pregnant citing her huge rack as evidence, but she doesn’t know since she hasn’t taken a test. Ok, really this looked authentic – Mario was so excited and the emotion between the two of them looked legit. It’s very curious.
Mario speaks to Sonja about the news in a very intimate moment. Also, curious. Ramona and Sonja decide to take trip the ladies room together and Jill, is hot on their tails – she knows something is happening because the last time two ladies went to the ladies’ room together Studio 54 was still operating under the original owners and Donna Summer was hot stuff. Yeah, Jill is really out of touch. Jill hovers right outside the door with her ear pressed against it, while Ramona and Sonja debate if the perfect time to do a pregnancy test is during LuAnn’s party. During dinner Kelly explains she doesn’t get drunk because of bad disco era flashbacks revolving around swingers and dropping her keys in the punch bowl.
Sonja petulantly complains about she and Ramona not being able to get away with anything, because The Brunettes are always on them – all she wants to do is get Ramona to pee on a stick so they can eclipse LuAnn’s party by bursting out of the bathroom waving the positive test in the air, celebrating the world’s oldest pregnant woman. Gosh! Jill, refusing to back off, starts knocking on the door begging to be let in and then resorts to tattling to LuAnn, who is concerned about the “Leopard Bobbsey Twins” trying to steal her thunder.
In the bathroom, Ramona gets performance anxiety and can’t go through with the test. Upon vacating the toilet, Jillzy scrutinizes Ramona’s boobs and picking up on Sonja’s bun in the oven hints, she observes Ramona is drinking Pellegrino – not to be confused with Pinot Grigio. Jill points out the obvious– at Ramona’s age the pregnancy symptoms – knock, knock, knock – turn out to be Ramenopause. Did you guys know de-nile is the longest river in Egypt?
LuAnn is flummoxed about how anyone could believe an AARP member could be pregnant – well except if that AARP member is Blanche Devereaux – who if any Golden Girls fans recall once mistook her own menopause for pregnancy. After the performance of LuAnn’s lifetime, Ramona and Sonja déjà-bath-ruum to take the highly anticipated pregnancy test. And the results are… oh, everybody knows! Ramona’s new baby is Ramona Singer Pinot Grigio!
Finally LuAnn’s special surprise is here! Led to the stage by LuAnn’s son, Noelle is Natalie King Cole! Jill is disappointed the surprise isn’t her friend’s engagement, but Natalie is good enough. The performance was actually really fun – Natalie’s voice is amazing and LuAnn – well, mad props for having the balls to perform with a legend. Even Ramona had kind words for LuAnn’s performance. Jacques loved it and that’s all that mattered. Simon is relieved no AutoTune was involved (ironic, much?).
And that’s a wrap! Bravo’s recaps for the ladies let us know Ally transferred to a school farther away from Jill, Alex believes class is the original “C” word. Sonja she is still optimistic about life, but if you live big sometimes you lose big. Cindy’s pecking order is full and Kelly wants a boyfriend who isn’t demonic. Ramona is happy and LuAnn – she’s happy too, with Jacques. Until Next Year – Stay Classy, New York!
Next Week: Part 1 of The Reunion airs! Jill and Ramona throw down! And much more dramz, dahlings!
On WWHL, the guests are Sonja and The Countess – both of whom will be performing LIVE (although Sonja’s performance is on the aftershow.). The drinking game word is “chic.” LuAnn reveals, that of course, she is unimpressed with the timing of the pregnancy timing, but she is a good sport about it and the spoof of her new song! Both ladies are fun and charming and seem to be having fun. Sonja reveals LuAnn doesn’t actually take herself seriously, at all.
Alex’s Louis Vuitton “Herman Munster” shoes make an appearance, prompting the poll question: “ Did Louis Vuitton make a mistake?” My vote is YES! And most of you agree!
The final Class with The Countess premieres as a montage of LuAnn’s “tips” throughout the season. Andy reveals at the reunion there was much to do about LuAnn’s “condescending moments,” and both Sonja and LuAnn disclose they are the oldest of many children which may explain their propensity for bossiness. A clip of the reunion is showed and it features an agro Andy yelling: “shut up!” The game is “Hot or Hot Mess?” And everything is a “Hot Mess” – it was hilarious! LuAnn performs a very interesting Moroccan remix of Chic, C’est La Vie. And I don’t have words… except: Mazel!
Thoughts on Ramona’s pregnancy storyline and Lu
mann’s duet with Natalie Cole? What were your favorite moments of Season 4? What annoyed you the most? Are you relieved it’s over? What changes do you think Bravo should make to the show for next year?