On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey the year may have changed, but everything is still exactly the same. Teresa can’t get along with anyone she is related to, by proxy or otherwise; Jacqueline can’t deal with Ashley, Caroline just wishes she had never gotten involved, and Melissa tries in vain to reason with crazy. Oh yeah, Kathy was there too – kinda.
The Caroline is back on the radio and she’s tawking about New Year’s Resolutions and Ashley calls in and said her resolution is to leave reality TV. I wish! The Caroline gets a call from a person who is being nice to someone who just won’t be nice back; Caroline encourages this person to continue to be good and pure. Guess who is coincidentally listening while wearing her fur coat? Melissa! Melissa, thinking – I’m a good and loving person dealing with someone who just won’t reciprocate, I will not be intimidated – calls Teresa to extend the Swarovski encrusted olive branch, and arrange a playdate between their girls.
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Surprisingly, Teresa is totally on board with the girls getting together. Melissa reveals that no matter what Teresa does, her New Year’s Resolution is to be the bigger person. Well, that won’t exactly be a difficult – especially since Teresa’s resolution seems to be continuing to talk sh*t. In fact, Teresa decides in order to avoid Melissa, who she is pissed at for being up Kathy’s a**, she’s simply going to drop Melania off. Maybe she’ll go shopping or something while Melissa is watching her girls… oh wait, she’s bankrupt…
At Jacqueline’s she asks Ashley’s grandparents to talk to her about how much time she spends partying and putting on make-up. Ashley is doodling some high school art project-style picture of Marilyn Monroe while her grandfather talks about her future, and using her talent, etc. Ashley is typically apathetic. Her grandfather breaks it down: life is a deadline, but Ashley doesn’t like deadlines or responsibility, so another one bites the dust!
The Caroline calls Kathy to invite her to a New Year’s Eve Party at The Brownstone. Caroline reveals pretty much everyone has been invited but the Wakiles, cause they’re kinda B-list. Whoops. Since Kathy and her family have been clients at The Brownstone for years, even though Teresa wants her to hate Kathy; Caroline is not about to mess up Albert’s business over some petty high school drama. Caroline lets Kathy know everyone is expected to act appropriately. So, I’m confused – she invited Teresa and Joe Gorga?
“Princess” Ashley and her crown hat go to Lauren’s work, where she is launching Face by Lauren Manzo. Lauren has asked Ashley to design t-shirts for her launch party, in order to demonstrate that she believes in Ashley a little bit. Yeah, how much did Jacs and Chris pay you for that, Lauren? Ashley shows Lauren two sloppy sketches, which Lauren describes as looking like they were drawn in Ashley’s car; and unfortunately neither are what Lauren asked for. Lauren wants Ashley to get her two sketches of a FACE, since you know, that is what her line is called, immediately and then schools Ashley on how things work – Lauren is her client, not her cousin, and business is business. Ashley, exhibiting major bitch-face she must have learned from Lizzie Grubman, is annoyed that Lauren is expecting her to deliver. When she is professional artist she won’t be dealing with clients, SHE will be deciding what the public wants. Oh lord… delusional much, sweetie?
Melissa is preparing for the playdate with Teresa’s daughters. Of course, Teresa is running terribly late and Melania isn’t even dressed even though it is 4 pm. Since she is running late and all, Teresa decides it’s the perfect time to argue with 4-year-old Melania, who is throwing a tantrum, over what to wear. Like mother, like daughter! At 6:30 the girls are finally all in the car, but Teresa apparently forgot to check if everyone’s seat belts are on. To squash the bickering, Teresa threatens to send them all to boarding school: “to different places?” poor little someone asks? When all the kids arrive, it is mass terror so the mamas have a glass of wine unwind. Did anyone else notice Antonia and Melania totally have their respective mother’s personalities – and they are best friends!? Very interesting!
Melissa and Teresa bond over motherhood and talk turns to Kathy vs. Teresa. Teresa, still angry about Christmas Eve, explains things from her perspective and lets Melissa know Kathy has a different side to her – a nasty Gorga side. Teresa also has a bone to pick with Richie – like how he is obsessed with her(?!) and always insults her. Melissa reminds Teresa her husband insulted Kathy at Caroline’s party; but Teresa fails to see what the big deal is since Kathy didn’t hear about it. *sigh. After realizing the Kathy-talk is going nowhere, Melissa asks Teresa about her newest cookbook and inquires if Teresa wants some of her recipes? Teresa replies the book is finished – so, too late – but it’s only her family recipes, anyways. Teresa also wants to know WHAT recipe, because: “everyone knows that b*tch doesn’t cook?”
Melissa tells Teresa she is releasing an album, which is surprising to Teresa, who had no idea that Melissa, like did this singing stuff, but hey if Kim K can do it why can’t Melissa? Teresa and Gia want Melissa to sing for them right now! Apparently, the bitch doesn’t sing either! Ariel, The Little Mermaid Melissa demurs, because she doesn’t want Ursula to steal her voice – well, stranger things have happened than Teresa turning into an evil octo-witch and stealing someone’s vocal chords, I suppose. Melissa shows everyone her fancy studio and clarifies she is resting her voice, which isn’t good enough for T-money. While Beyonce Melissa gushes about how supportive her hubby is of her budding career, Teresa remarks the only thing Joe G-to-the-Orga is if Melissa is making money.
It’s New Year’s Eve and everyone is getting ready for the big party at The Brownstone. Jacqueline explains the party started as a way for parents to have a place to go with their kids on New Years to thwart under aged drinking; aka as a way for Jacqueline to keep an eye on Ashley. And speaking of Ashley, she wants to invite more of her “friends” and the answer is N-O, because Caroline has no interest in playing cop (since when does she pass up an opportunity to boss people around?).
At Teresa’s, she is getting all made-up, while Melania is storming around in leopard knee boots belonging to her predecessor, demands pizza from Joe, the Old Troll. Hehe Teresa is planning to bring all of her “well-behaved” children – even Melania who is in the midst of the Horrible Fours – to Caroline’s. I guess Caroline will be playing cop anyways! I see Ashley in Melania’s future…
Melissa aka Jesus Jersey Midge explains the New Year is a time for fresh starts, and despite all the wretched things Teresa told Caroline and Jacqueline about her, they see she is “real” despite being imperfect “for Christ’s sake.” Wait- will Jesus get mad if she says that? Kathy arrives and – cue “Everyone Hates Teresa” time. Kathy is hoping she and Caroline can become friends, but has no expectations for her relationship with Teresa, because it’s not her job to raise her. Huh?
Melissa tells the story of Teresa’s most recent slight; threatening to include a photo of what Melissa used to look like pre-nose job in her cookbook, you know from when she used to wear too much make-up. As opposed to now? Despite the “fighting words,” Melissa remembered her resolution. By the way, who else LOVED Melissa’s Teresa impersonation?
As The Caroline and co. are driving to The Brownstone, Lauren describes not feeling great about the way she looks usually because of her weight. Lauren apparently inherited the Manzo genes, case in point her father-in-law, the infamous Tiny Manzo was 400lbs. Poor Lauren. The party is packed by the time Caroline arrives, so she convenes in the bathroom with Jacs and Teresa to discuss what happened on Christmas Eve when her brother left early to go to Kathy’s. Caroline lets Teresa know she invited both the Gorgas and the Wakiles, because of business. Teresa is annoyed, but plans to ring in the New Year by doing what she does best – ignoring things she doesn’t want to deal with, like Kathy.
When Melissa and Kathy arrive, Kathy bestows upon Caroline a basket of desserts as big as Caroline’s whole body in an effort to prove she isn’t a trouble-maker and is worthy of Caroline’s friendship. Teresa, feeling spiteful, snipes that her book was Kathy’s influence to start cooking. Cause it’s really inspiring – Teresa’s book inspired me to start cooking pasta, y’all.
Melissa expresses her frustrations of Teresa ignoring Kathy to a beleaguered looking Jacqueline who just wants to get her drink on and be left out of this annoying Gorgadice feud. Melissa yammers on about how too much distance has come between everyone and how close everyone used to be, while Jacs looks longingly at the bar, which is where Joe G-to-the-Iudice is putting them away and dropping money he doesn’t have on tips for bartender Joe G-to-the-Orga. Maybe that’s how he can pay him back? Joe G-to-the-Iudice says hello to Richie Mr. Dickface and they hug it out and bond over how drunk they both are, while Caroline, rocking her greaser/Wyatt Earp/English Princess, look and Albert watch very closely for any untoward behavior. Teresa is shocked that the usually crass and boundary-less Richie is actually pleasant to be around. I actually find that shocking too.
As the New Year approaches and everyone is dancing, Richie notices his 16-year-old daughter Victoria being approached by an older man, prompting Richie to immediately storm over and break things up, with Joe G-to-the-Orga hot on his tail. Meanwhile, Teresa is drunk ecstatic that everyone is all together! She is? Yeah – she’s happy about that, like I’m happy about hearing them talk about this feud for the 12th straight week. Melissa reminds Teresa that Kathy is fam-il-lee, which supposedly she is allll about, and they are blood. Teresa explains Kathy leaves a bad taste in her blood. Everyone just wants her to try and make amends. Teresa is Just. Not. Getting It.
To help mend things, Melissa extends the ultimate olive branch – diamond encrusted, this time – by inviting her on vacation with them to mend their relationship. Teresa’s curiosity is piqued – vacation? A trip on Bravo’s dime? Suuuurrre… she can hang with that IF Jacqueline and Caroline come too. Caroline has already demanded an extra $100,000 thou in her contract to go on anymore Giudice vacations. Jacqueline claims if Teresa could just stop being so stubborn, everyone could get along again.
As the New Year arrives, Caroline waxes nostalgically about all the people she loves – yes, including Teresa – about what they have been through and what she wishes for them. She marvels at her beautiful family and how much she cares for them, the burdens Teresa and Joe’s family is under and how it affects their children, how she hopes Jacqueline and Ashley can learn to recognize the good in each other, and that she hopes the GorgaWakileDice feud ends. That was so touching. In the end Kathy wishes Teresa Happy New Year and things end with another touching sentiment from Richie: “New Year, Same a** holes.”
On the WWHL season finale, Teresa and Jerry O’Connell, who is Jersey Royalty, are the guests! The drinking game word is Joe (again!) Andy wants the Kim G report. Teresa feels Kim is obsessed with her and Jerry is afraid of Kim, cause she’s “off” – co-signed! Jerry, proving he is NOT crazy enough for Housewives, gives a rational explanation of how he would handle his teenage daughters being hit on by an older man.
Andy wants to know what Teresa thinks of Melissa’s singing and she pleads the fifth, but has decided she is going to come out with her OWN song! Do it! Jerry describes Melissa’s voice as “a work in progress.”
Andy plays Teresa a clip of Melissa doing an impersonation of Teresa and Teresa likes it, claiming it’s like watching herself on TV because Melissa is copying her. Jerry, playing amateur psychologist, confronts Teresa on how she treats Melissa and her refusal to accept the olive branch Melissa seems to be extending, but Teresa just doesn’t seem to pick up what he’s laying down.
Jerry gets asked who he would prefer to have an affair with and he respectfully declines to answer citing fear of both Joes. The game is “I Dream of Giudice,” and surprisingly Jerry aces! He is eligible to win a housewives diploma on The Aftershow. The poll question is: Should Teresa Forgive Kathy? And yes, viewers decide she should, of course! Until next time: Giudice Wishes and Gorga Dreams!
Next Week: Kathy and Rich talk Birds and Bees, Melissa sings the blues, Lauren has weight struggles, and Ashley’s father finally appears and Jacqueline finally snaps.
Do you think Teresa should forgive Kathy? Did Rich over-react about Victoria dancing with an older man? Are you ready to NEVER hear about this stupid family feud again? Do you think Teresa needs to just get over it already and forgive?