The queen of Botox Patti Stanger begins tonight’s Millionaire Matchmaker by flaunting her latest success story of Sex Toy Dave. Patti’s STD Sex Toy Dave did the unthinkable and actually got married. He was probably one of the first in the club. He hunted and fished to find the perfect girl at a house party where he was dancing on a strip pole. Talk about true love! The best part is that Patti is sharing this “success story” when she did not even match the lovebirds! Gotta love that Patti.
Meet future Hugh Hefner Bryan Wallos who makes his fortune by trading hot girl baseball cards. His job is to “supervise” the sexy photo shoots and decide which lingerie the models should wear. He also supervises the models outside of the shoot and has slept with several of the “Benchwarmers” girls who pose for him. He dated one in particular who was way too jealous probably because she knew his obsession with sleeping with the models. Now, Bryan is ready for love and to put all the models behind him (instead of the usual when they are on top.)
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David Mezheritsky is a suave millionaire from Vancouver, Canada. His flaws are a little more discreet except for the fact that he is a male chauvinist pig who thinks women cannot do anything as good as a man. For example, men are better chefs. Out of all the occupations in the world he picked chef after stating a woman belongs in the kitchen (huh?). Yeah, this one does not seem the brightest.
So what does the most famous matchmaker in all of the land do to fix this sexist pig? Introduce him to Donna Martin Tori Spelling who is the queen of having it all (if having it all includes being in lawsuits against your parents). In a desperate attempt for Patti to show she does in fact have famous friends outside of the Jill Zarin, she takes David’s sexism as an opportunity to flaunt the mom who does it all. David then bizarrely explains Tori Spelling reminds him of his mother if his mother was a Beverly Hills princess who exposes her family for fame.
Patti holds her famous screening sessions where this time she actually ID’s a lady not to make sure if she legal, but to see if her old butt is legit 45. Cynthia obeyed the master flaunting her 45 year old ID proudly. She should have also pointed out to Patti that not every woman over 40 likes to get tons of fillers and Botox. We also get a brief image of Marcia Brady a girl with an awful camel toe. Patti also tells a girl to lose weight though she was probably just looking for a way to plug her weight loss secrets.
The millionaires get a special private dinner where they each get three women to choose from. David who is in search for his own Mila Kunis ends up selecting the only blonde option he has. While Bryan chooses an outgoing Debra who I found quite charming. He told her of his love of GI Joes, and she quickly deflected it to her love of life. The dinner ends with David’s pick Stephanie explaining “no sex without condoms”- this is foreshadowing at its best.
Bryan pulls out all the stops with flowers, champagne, sweet notes, and a fancy dinner to win over his date. Chivalry certainly is not dead in his world. He even pulls out the chair for Debra. Now no date on Millionaire Matchmaker has ever gone this flawless, so of course Bryan has to do something to mess it up. Cue, sexy baseball card models! Wait, these girls are here on accident. It is a mere coincident that this clearly closed restaurant just happens to open the doors for the Benchwarmer girls. Coincidence, my butt! The classy Debra quickly deflates the situation and hugs the models like she is friends with them. This girl is good and lines herself up a second date.
David’s date contains a lot less clothing. Stephanie is cursing left and right as they get to experience a cold sauna in their swimsuits. That sounds like worst idea ever, and I give credit to Stephanie for even entering the room. After the negative 110 degree sauna, the couple enjoys a cozy warm bath. Thankfully, Bravo has enough class to end the scene with the making out and her top already on the floor. She is ready to take her clothes off after dinner too when the couple return to a single hotel room where once again we are fortunate there were no cameras on.
The couple do the dirty, and then they get lectured by Mama Hen the next day. Tisk, tisk, they broke the cardinal rule of “no sex without monogamy” not “no sex without condoms,” Stephanie. Of course, the couple never sees each other again because they broke the rules. And David is back to looking for his Tori Spelling.
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