Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was about forgiveness. Teresa and Joe work through the text-pocolypse and realize family includes their children, and perhaps it is time to put the petty bickering aside, but not before cheating their way a through a charity marathon! Oh, who am I kidding – last night’s episode was boooor-ring! It seemed to drag along for so long I couldn’t believe it was only on an hour! Maybe that’s because they talked about the same things for the thousandth time!
The episode begins Jacqueline and The Caroline talking fitness – they have big plans to “participate” in a 5K, because Caroline wants get in shape for Punta Cana – which is a week away. Nothing like last minute! Jacs is thinking she’ll just wear Spanx and work out for the trip by upping her tolerance sitting at home by guzzling wine. After exhausting the work out topic, they talk Teresa and The Caroline has a few snarky comments to make about that! Since they are talking about her, when they arrive at Jacqueline’s – who is there unannounced with her ears ringing, but Teresa wearing a pair of giant fur shoulders and heels for a snowstorm, but no coat! Caroline, who told us that while she may have lost 25lbs, she is still completely made of lasagna, tiramisu, and mozzarella, because she is in terrible shape. So, instead of exercising they sit in Jacqueline’s kitchen and eat while discussing the latest Gorgadice dramz. Well, if anything will drive you to dessert it’s hearing Teresa and Melissa out-screach at each other about stupid Joe nonsense.
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Teresa immediately tells Caroline and Jacqueline about the book signing and text war between Joe and Joe. The Caroline compares the Joes to high school girls and gives us ladies at home a little tip: “Real men don’t fight over text.” Got it! Describing the texts, it’s obvious Teresa didn’t see them all or she is completely fine with her husband threatening to break her brother’s jaw and wire it shut. To settle things, The Caroline, missing her heyday as local radio’s advice queen, demands Teresa call Melissa Right Now! Teresa gives Melissa a call on speaker to tell her they both should talk to their hubs so there is no drama at Melania’s upcoming birthday party. Almost immediately it descends into Melissa yelling! Despite the drama, Teresa believes everything will be just fine at Melania’s party… ’cause they’re fam-uh-lee and the looove each othr, riight!?
Since it is part of their Bravo contract to participate in a 5k run for an undisclosed charity (who is too embarrassed to be associated with this trash), Kathy and Richie, et al will be joining the pack. But unlike everyone else, Kathy plans to run and finish – oh and she actually looked up what the event is for: people with disabilities (who have no intention of tarnishing their image with Housewives). Jacqueline, on the other hand, put a zebra on her head and is planning to walk. Also, she has no idea what this charity is for… like people who ummm.. don’t have stuff, maybe? And since she is so lazy, she just wants Chris to write a check so she can go back to sleep. Maybe it was just too early in the morning or something, but that scene totes made me think “Like mother, like daughter” given Ashley’s propensity for laziness!
At Teresa’s they are running late, because Juicy and his scary manties can’t get out of bed (hungover?). Teresa has been up for hours running – to the bathroom! Because, of course, she has the runs. Teresa is worried about running with the runs and theorizes she’ll have to burst into random people’s houses during the race to demand toilet facilities. Ok, what is it with The Giudices… every time there is an important event one of them has diarrhea! Since Joe is completely unmotivated to wake up, Teresa gets him moving by sitting on his head with her diarrhea butt! Don’t worry – she was wearing pants, but still…
At Jacqueline’s while the Manzos and the Laurtias are in the middle of complaining about exercise, Chris Laurita receives a phone call from his buddy Juicy. And what is Juicy doing at 7 am, right before a 3 mile run? Making sausage and grabbing a bottle of wine! Breakfast of Champions – Juicy style! Did I mention it’s 7am and they are about to RUN A RACE FOR CHARITY?! You would think, because the Giudices can’t afford to write a check for the donation, they’d at least be willing to workout for it!
On their way to do something nice for those in need, the Spawn of The Caroline and the Mister, Greg (Why is he now a character on this show? Is it a rule now that every HW cast must include a “gay husband”?) spend the entire car ride theorizing about what Teresa’s next best seller will be titled. Walking Italian: The Charity-ish Way. Jealous Italian:Why I Hate My Sister-In-Law (I’d read that one!) Drunken Charity:How My Husband Gives Back. Stupid Italian. F*cking Italian: A Kama Sutra Guide for the Drunk Guido. Hey, what ever makes that bankrupt broad some money!
When everyone arrives at the race site a Joe on Joe stand-off occurs, with neither one of them acknowledging the other. Ok, that entire racing party was a cacophony of “What Not To Wear” What was Melissa’s fur thing? What was Caroline’s dumpy sweatsuit? What was on Jacs’ head! And Teresa’s leggins?! After the race starts, the on-task and really dedicated to charitable causes RHoNJ cast, realizes they haven’t even signed in yet. When they finally get their numbers, Teresa takes off – but it looks like she is going the wrong way! Isn’t that the perfect analogy for her life? Teresa isn’t worried about Team Juicy finishing, because Joe is apparently in good shape between the sheets (just no where else).
Proving she is really into getting in shape The Caroline, along with Melissa and Lauren drop out after 5 minutes since Caroline knows when she’s beat. Ummm…really? They can’t handle walking a 5k, which is like 3 miles!? These ladies walk around the mall 5 times a week buying designer shoes – which is probably farther than a 5k. I guess all the screaming and yelling they do has done nothing to improve their stamina – surprisingly!
Teresa and Kathy are taking one for the team – both of them are actually RUNNING! Even if they are competing against each other, at least they are doing something besides complaining and sitting on the sidelines inappropriately flirting with each other. What is that doing for charity, Greg and Joe G to the Orga? Melissa may have a point when she accused her hubs of liking the boyz. After hours and hours, the Juicys finally show up (search and rescue was apparently called) and Joe G to the Orga is cheering Teresa on as she sprints through the finish line third to last! And bringing up the rear is– Joe “The Juicy” Giudice, who immediately whips out the water wine for some hydration after an exhausting run. Good job Team Juicy!
Since they are both secretly fighting for Greg’s affections, Joe and Melissa pay a visit to the (un)bachelor pad of Hoboken; where all the girls come a ‘runnin to step and repeat on the faux red carpet and pet their Chiuaua in her hot pink life jacket. Christopher believes Greg lives vicariously through Melissa, ’cause he’s in love with Joey. When the Gorga’s arrive, Melissa whips out her new CD and asks the boys to give their opinion, since straight Italian guys living in a bachelor pad with a gay biffl is her target audience. And choking on their words, the Manzo boys pretend to like it. And suddenly our musically gifted housewife will be performing her soon-to-be-hit single at the launch of Black Water. Yeah, Bravo wasn’t involved in that machination at all. Not at all.
After torturing everyone with “On Display” our motley crew goes out on the town and as soon as they walk through the door, the club transforms into Joboken! Joe, wanting a better look at the hotties on the dance floor, hops up on Joe’s shoulders. Awwww… Greg has so many little friends – his doggy, Albie, his Guidorilla Joe. Greg who apparently will be attending the Punta Cano trip (what’s his job again?) will be accompanying Melissa bikini shopping for the trip so she can look better than Teresa, but Melissa’s not worried – she’s got it in the bag. Did I hear correctly that Joboken, at one point encourages Greg to fondle Melissa? And Melissa is rightfully annoyed by his overly sexual comments. But Joe just loves Melissa and wants to share the love – his wife is a beast (that is his idea of a compliment?). She is also like a tiger and he is a lion who attacked his wife and won. Good lord – I wonder what Shakespearean play he got that analogy from.
Meanwhile, in Franklin Lakes, Lauren and Vito are having a wild night of their own, pretending to be Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze in Ghost, except with cheese. Christopher calls their relationship of hanging out at his parent’s house and never going out his nightmare, which is funny because hanging out with a drunk Joe is my nightmare! Lauren and Vito have some sexytimes making homemade mozzarella and then after Lauren complains about her weight, they eat it. Ok, not to be rude, but didn’t Lauren cop out on finishing a three mile walk a couple of days ago?
From one wild event to another, it is the day of Queen Melania’s birthday and she and Teresa are fighting over the big crown. It’s not Melania’s fault – she just wants, what she wants! That child certainly has Teresa’s DNA. After poufy dress wars, Melania laces up her hightops with her fanciest lace confection and heads over to Joe’s pizza parlor for her fabulous 5th birthday party! Teresa explains that while she spent thousands on parties in the past, ever since the bankruptcy she is saving by not spending money (isn’t that the very definition of saving?). Anyways, according to her: the love you put into a party shows how extravagant it is. I guess not where vow renewals are concerned! I also noticed while driving her Mercedes to the party Teresa was wearing her fur. Saving $$ my a$$!
Melania’s party actually looked really fun and perfect for a bunch of little kids – I loved watching Joe teach them to make pizzas! And I want a pizza cake! Kathy arrives with her family, and Teresa and Kath exchange genuine seeming hellos. Kathy and The Caroline talk Punto Cano and since The Caroline is being forced to she is getting her own cabana, and avoiding drama. Kathy looked really upset that Caroline was lumping her into the trashy Gorgadice mix. Proving he is truly a Gorga, Joe and Melissa are super late and Teresa is waiting to cut the cake until they arrive. When they finally get there, Joe G to the Iudice hightails it into the kitchen complaining he is “hot,”(hot-headed maybe) to avoid saying hello to them.
Avoiding Joe Giudice the festivities, Richie and Joe hang out outside with mysterious red plastic cups plotting knock out another of Juicy’s teeth to give him the complete Beverly Hillbilly’s make-over. Did anyone catch Richie calling Juicy a “maricon” (a gay slur in Spanish)? Classy. With the Joes ignoring each other, things are going fine and after cake, Gia sings a special song she wrote for her sister. Oh my gosh – So cute!!!!
Gia has another surprise: a song she wrote for her mom and her Tio Joe, lecturing them on how to behave like adults. Actually it was a really heart-felt song that made me tear up. Before she starts to sing Gia bursts into tears because she is so upset her family is not getting along. When she is finally able to get through the song, all the adults are spellbound and start to really re-evaluate their behavior. Kathy explains the kids sometimes have to teach the adults. Teresa and Joe G to the Orga hug and kiss and playfully bicker over who wonderful Gia takes after more (can I go with neither of those two nut jobs?) And most exciting of all: A Joe on Joe hug!! And Teresa even forgives her stalker, Richie, giving him a kiss! Fake it til you make it, Gorgadices!
Next week Punta Cana gets Jersified – the hoochie bikinis and the claws come out! Teresa and Kathy bicker til Joe can take no more!
TELL US – THOUGHTS ON THE RECAP & EPISODE? IS MELANIA
IN NEED OF HER OWN SPIN-OFF SPOILED? WERE YOU SAD TO SEE GIA CRYING OVER THE FEUD?