In light of all the real-time drama of the past few days, I felt very sad watching last night’s episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey. Teresa, Kathy, The Joes, and Melissa all made-up and seemed to be working positively towards the future, but current drama lets us know it doesn’t last!
These women have sold their integrity and self-respect, and in the process destroyed their families and friendships for a small piece of fame and little bit of extra money. I hope it was worth it. And when no one remembers who they are, except for the fleeting memories of how they once appeared on our TV screens to embarrass themselves for amusement and some designer shoes; I hope the little bit of extra money they earned is at least enough to pay for their kids’ therapy. Lord knows, they’ll need it!
Full disclosure: I don’t believe Teresa set Melissa up. 1) I don’t believe she’s capable of masterminding something that involved. Or keeping it a secret long enough for it to pan out. 2) She seems to really love her brother. I do believe she wants a relationship with him at all costs. As to what happened, I suppose maybe time will tell, and maybe not.
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The episode begins at the tail end of the Kathy and Teresa fight about who is a worse mother, Teresa or … no one. Richie decides to be the bigger man and go talk to Joe Giudice. Joe admits Teresa is “hot-headed” and get’s riled up over nothing. Joe and Richie are completely fine two seconds later and having a normal conversation, as if their wives didn’t practically come to blows a few minutes earlier. Aaahhh… men. They’re kind of refreshing that way, they just snap at each other and move on.
Jacqueline and Chris decide to take a walk and escape the drama cesspool. They are very cute and lovey-dovey together. Jacqueline expresses her frustrations about dealing with Teresa’s family drama and doesn’t want to get involved. Chris agrees that she shouldn’t. After their heart-to-heart, Jacqueline gives him a piggy-back ride and he holds onto her boobs for stability.
The Manzo spawn and their Greggy go Guidice hunting. These full-grown adult men, who act like toddlers, hide outside the bathroom window waiting for Joe in the hopes of over-hearing something, I suppose? To be honest, I sort of tuned it out. Then they spy on Teresa through the bathroom window and wonder if she is pooping. Perhaps if they had jobs to occupy their time they wouldn’t be so wrapped up in houseWIVES drama. Perhaps…
Teresa changes swimsuits for dinner and is now wearing gold. Yes, that’s all. She dipped her boobs and crotch in 14k gold-plate and tied a curtain around her shoulders. Then she starts spinning around gleefully yelling: “I’m a goddess!” It’s straight out of a vintage Summer’s Eve douche commercial – which is ironic considering she is surrounded by douches in the form of her husband, the Manzo spawn, and Greggy. Then her husband actually calls her a “crazy bitch.” How charming. So charming in fact, he allegedly has TWO women that want him. Gross.
Jacs comes over to see how Teresa is doing following the argument with Kathy. Teresa wants to act like nothing happened, which is the problem according to Jacqueline. As Teresa approaches the dinner area she ignores Kathy and goes about her business. Kathy thinks Teresa is doing it on purpose and the Wakiles decide to go back to the hotel after dinner.
The rest of the gang go out to a bar, get wasted, see which incredibly short man is less short, pull their penises out, and get into a bar fight. Wait… a bar fight … yeah Bravo never aired it! After a fun evening, Teresa and Joe G-to-the-Orga make-up and hug and seem to in a great place. Shockingly Joe G-to-the-Iudice and Joe are also having fun together, and Giudice admits at the end of the day they’re family and he only hates Gorga sometimes. It was genuine and cute. I wish these family members got along, because I enjoy watching them have fun and hang out – not punch each other at christenings. How fun was the group hug?! Be fun, Jerseies!
The next morning, after a long hiatus from Teresa, The Caroline feels better, but warns us if Teresa doesn’t relax she will be having a lot of headaches. More headaches would be good, Caroline – go ahead with that – the less we see of you with poop in your pants, not having any fun, the better!
Melissa and Joe are doing something in the shower that should not be on TV. Meanwhile the Manzo boys, who seriously have an issue with spying on people in bathrooms that I am pretty sure is illegal in the good ol’ USA, barge into their hotel room and interrupt some husband and wife bonding. And of course, Joe Gorga had to show off the goods by offering us a teeny weeny peenie sighting. The only comment I have is: Joe Gorga wears a bandana in the shower?
Teresa and the ladies are off to the market, but The Caroline is confused about why Teresa is dressed for Malibu Barbie’s prom in a stripper ballgown. Oh, is stripper a bad word in this bunch? Whoops! Teresa reveals the shopping will actually be at a local outdoor market, because she is doing research for her Italian-Italian Fusion cookbook. Kathy wishes they were doing something with clubs instead, but she wouldn’t hit Teresa – not at all. Ok, was anyone else having a total Serial Mom moment during her confessional?
In the cars the respective, camps discuss the argument between Kathy and Teresa. Teresa insists she is over it, but Caroline informs her that she is not. Kathy and Melissa, after commenting on poverty from their Escalade limo, just don’t understand how Teresa can be so dumb. Join the club, ladies!
At the market, there are lots of dead carcasses, including one labeled: “Teresa’s Relationship With Her Family and Friends.” Teresa chases Jacqueline down the street with a raw chicken and Melissa has a nightmare when she gets blood on her Gucci’s. Teresa attempts to communicate about spices with the shopkeeper, and then resorts to yelling: “Does anybody speak English?” Nope, no one including, Teresa speaks English. Nor have they heard of her cookbook, Skinny Italian. Which was on the NYT Bestseller list, in case you didn’t know, and that makes her the authority on all things cooking.
While the ladies (and Greggy, who went along to protect his Kathy) explored Dominican culinary arts; the men go golfing, and by golfing I mean show off what a$$es they are – literally. Joe Giudice in a tanktop – put it away, drunkard.
Back at the hotel, Albie, Chris, and Greggy are talking the launch of BLK water over pre-dinner drinks. Albie is trying to sound like he has a real job and is a serious businessman instead of a law school drop-out, by expressing concern over being on vacation six days before a major event. Chris isn’t worried – drinks, anyone?
On the way into the restaurant, a strangely affectionate Joe Giudice kisses his wife and her bubbies. Getting along with people does wonders for his disposition. Kathy is still (yes, still) upset about her issue with Teresa. I guess she didn’t inherit the Gorga gene of freaking out and then forgetting about it 5 minutes later.
The Manzo spawn decide now is the perfect time to ruin a wonderful evening, by suggesting an impromptu Punta Princess Pagent. Jacqueline is annoyed that they are encouraging the competition between Melissa and Teresa. Teresa looks upset preemptively, as if she is expecting everyone to either vote Melissa the winner hands-down or take the opportunity to rag on her some more. Juicy, who is being very sweet, declares she is his Punta Princess no matter what.
Luckily the pageant is all in fun, and all the ladies get some props and then in the category of intellect, no one in this bunch can remember the VP of the United States. Seriously! Melissa votes for Dick Cheney, and wins for being the closest! She also gets a point for announcing that Egypt is in Antarctica. Richie was right – intellect is not a good category for this group.
On the final day of the trip, Teresa’s lost jewelry bag arrives and she is overjoyed! Finally her precious jewels have been returned to her. Kathy wonders if the plane ride home would be a good time to discuss her argument with Teresa, but Richie talks her out of it citing that Teresa’s screeching may cause the pilot to crash the plane! Melissa quips that now that Teresa and Joey are on good terms, she’s not really all that concerned with Kathy’s relationship with her cousin.
Besides – she has bigger things to worry about, like her big singing debut at the BLK Water launch! Especially since she can’t really sing … or dance.
When Melissa and her groupies (aka her sisters) tour the performance venue, she is a little disappointed to be starting her career in some rinky-dink club instead of Madison Square Gardens. And takes it out on the poor club event planners by being sort of snippy about all her demands. She’s a big star, you guys. Like, huge! So huge, her husband is planning to rent tigers to chain to the stage during her performance. Because not only is she a big star (huge), she’s also a tiger – her song says so! Was she seriously trying to make herself look as stupid as Teresa with unprofessional comments like that?
Melissa meets with her choreographer and the back-up dancers, who look disgusted to be dealing with such an amateur. Melissa is acting bitchy and unprofessional during rehearsal, and for an ex-stripper, she has no rhythm. Maybe that’s why she only worked there a few weeks!
At the club rehearsal – yikes… girl needs the AutoTune. Albie is scared about the launch after hearing Melissa live – well, perhaps that was your first poor business decision, Albie – hiring a musical act you’ve never heard! Melissa is over practice and needs to get to hair and make-up, much to dismay of her hubs, who thinks practicing is more important than hair.
At the launch, Chris Laurita is happy about the turn-out and impressed. It is Kathy’s first time seeing Teresa since Punta Cana and she believes Teresa thinks she won the battle, but wants her to know if you alienate people you lose. Caroline LOOKED TERRIBLE.
Teresa and Jacqueline talk about Ashley. Jacqueline, admits she keeps her mouth shut to avoid arguments. Backstage, Melissa is calling her performance half-assed and lamenting that you have to start somewhere. Before the show, she gets down on her knees and thanks Jesus and her father for the opportunity, while wearing her leather cat suit.
On stage, she was definitely lip-syncing, but the performance was pretty good with the addition of digital enhancements. Joe Gorga is very proud of her for pursuing her dreams. Also very sweet, was Juicy’s gracious and kind toast congratulating her! It was so nice! It was like the magnanimous old Joe and T had been returned to us from Season 1! Teresa and Melissa hug; hoping for a fresh start! Even Teresa’s little joke about Melissa’s cleavage being “On Display”, seemed like friendly teasing instead of a jab.
In the spirit of togetherness, Teresa apologizes to Kathy for the argument in Punta Cana as Rosie watches on to make sure no shenanigans occur! Kathy tells Teresa she is proud of her cookbook for bringing their family recipes to the world and acknowledges the problems have not been all Teresa’s fault. Teresa says she doesn’t want to hold grudges any more and everyone hugs – even Teresa and Richie! Oh, so sad that that’s not where things end!
Next week: Season Finale (finally!) Ashley gets tattoo, Richie threatens to break some sensitive areas, Caroline is back on the radio. The Gorgas take a family photo. And Teresa insults Caroline in her new book – and the root of the feud is emerging! Juicy (in the non-Joe, way of course)!
Watch What Happens Live: The Guests are Caroline and Simon Helberg from Big Bang Theory. The Drinking Game word is: Bang. Andy shows a clip of Teresa’s swimsuit modeling in Punta Cana and announces today will be the last day he airs the G to the Eeya modeling clip. *tear.
Simon is against Teresa in the feud. Viewers want to know what is going on with Jacs, Tre, and Melissa after last week’s Posche fashion show, but Caroline isn’t giving any information away! Oh and Jacs is fine. Andy probably forced Caroline to say that. Caroline reveals she saw Kim G and she thinks, Michael Lohan in the parking lot when she was getting coffee, but hasn’t seen Danielle!
Caroline also blames past-season’s Albie’s thinner hair on Adderall, but now that he is not taking the drug his hair is thicker. Hair plugs (ahem…) Caroline also refuses to reveal the current status of her relationship with Teresa, but calls the reunion “epic”. Simon plays Marry, Shag, Kill with the Jersey housewives and wants to marry Caroline, hate pound Teresa, no word on who’d he would off.
The game is Jersey’s Big Bang Query. Caroline is asked if she would rather bang Chris Christie or Jersey’s former governor, but she pleads the fifth because she doesn’t want to get in trouble… because of the drama with her hubby? She is a boring guest.
The poll Question: What Did you Think of Melissa’s Performance? Awful or Awesome? Melissa’s performance gets an Awesome… barely! Only 52%! Ooohh…not looking good for your future pop star status!
Next week’s guests will be Joe and Melissa Gorga oh and Jay Mohr! Again, Juicy (in a non-Joe way)!
Thoughts on the episode? Was it difficult for you to watch considering all the recent drama? Are you sad that the Gorgas and Giudices have not made up after seeing how much fun they all have together? Did Caroline annoy you on WWHL or was that just me?