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Last night’s Real Housewives of New Jersey reunion from hell gave me stress-induced anxiety, like for real! I could not guzzle the wine fast enough! The rage was palpable and the ladies were down right dirty. This made RHONY’s reunion seem almost tolerable. Did I just type that?!

First of all, does anyone remember that notorious website Socialite Rank? Well, I wish we had a website devoted to Housewives Ranking, called of course, Housewives Rank, because if we did The Caroline and Teresa would be neck and neck for bottom of the heap after last night’s dreadful performance! Melissa had her moments of dirty as well, and for the most part Kathy kept her hands clean and imagined beautiful beaches and escape. Me too, Kath!

*Simple Disclaimer – I am a woman without a housewife – I play no favorites. I participate in equal opportunity snarking. All the ladies are ridiculous to a degree (yes, some more than others) and I like to spread the snark around!

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We might as well call the showdown Teresa Giudice and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Season because she royally pissed off everyone, particularly Caroline “Queen of the Joisee” Manzo! Teresa and Caroline are seated opposite each other on the conflict couches, with Kathy taking one for the team and sharing with Teresa. I must say, Caroline and Teresa both looked fantastic!

Andy brings up the big wino elephant in the room: where is Jacqueline!? Caroline explains that after yesterday’s dramatic Posche Fashion Show, Jacqueline is in a bad place emotionally and felt so hurt and betrayed she could not face her former bestie, Teresa!

T insists she was the one who was attacked looking at Caroline’s couch. No one refutes that – maybe because it is too ridiculous, maybe because it is true, maybe because they don’t care. Teresa claims she has been crying for days over the fall-out with Jacs and some bickering ensues about who cried more and harder and longer! Teresa says she has to laugh that something so silly (WHAT?!) ruined a friendship of ten-years.

Fabulicious! is brought up and Teresa is insistent she meant no harm. Caroline and Melissa roll their eyes and question which sister-in-law Teresa was talking about, to which Teresa says she has three! I think it’s pretty obvious the one who “stole” (borrowed? used for the duration? acquired?) her stylist, her hairdresser, her photographer, her show, and now her friends and fans was the directed target… Teresa declares if she really hated Caroline she wouldn’t have put a beautiful picture of the two of them in her book. Caroline wants her to take the picture out but leave the comments in, as they demonstrate just who Teresa is. Dirty! And not in the delicious martini way!

Caroline accuses Teresa of poisoning her opinion of Melissa and Kathy and making her treat them terribly. Teresa yells that Caroline is her own person – which is exactly what Caroline has been spouting all these years to everyone else.

Andy questions Melissa about contact with Danielle. Melissa admits that Danielle found her on Facebook and they exchanged a couple messages through email. She seems like she was maaaybe leaving something out. Andy is the worst moderator!

Apparently while Teresa visited Melissa and her son in the hospital, Juicy did not, but he came to the house afterwards. Teresa maintains that she was not aware that Melissa and Kathy were coming on the show. And she wishes they would have asked her first, explaining they wanted to pursue their baking and singing careers. Melissa claims Teresa threatened her (!) when she found out they were going to be on the show and tried to dissuade her, claiming she was going to be made fun of for her forehead. Cue Forehead Wars. Oh good lord… what is this show coming to?

Caroline puts her two-cents in by muttering that Teresa told her Melissa had a “face like a horse.” And told them not to compliment Melissa or film with her. Caroline thinks Teresa crucified these people to the country. Andy, interestingly, seems to feel Teresa has no reason to be angry and plays dumb as to why Bravo wanted to cast Melissa and Kathy. Oh Andy, that is so transparent!

Teresa reveals she feels the feud with her brother stems from his anger that she kept him and Melissa off the show oh and she has changed. She doesn’t think she has changed though. I think she’s just as insane as ever, but who am I to judge?

The Christening is revisited and Teresa tears up over her parents’ reaction; she claims her father has not seen the show and does not know Joey called her “garbage.” Melissa admits she is disgusted by the spectacle. Melissa blames the beginning of the feud on Teresa not inviting her and Joey to a S2 RHONJ premier. Teresa insists Melissa is a bad wife since she did not call her and ask her to invite Joey. What on earth?! I agree with Kathy - that comment is offensive. Even if Teresa’s reasoning was that Melissa had just had a baby and she didn’t think they would come, everyone knows EXTENDING the invitation is the important part! #lameexcuse.

Andy asks about the Gorga temper, and Kathy says they just feel deeply; love with everything, give with everything, attack with everything… Melissa confirms she is 100% Italian.

Andy wants to know if Gia watched the Christening episode, Teresa says no, Caroline says yes; in Chris and Jacqueline’s basement. Apparently the Gorgas were also there and Joey was mortified and holding Caroline’s hand and she advised him to prepare for the backlash. Dramatic, much?

Teresa claims she has forgiven her brother for the garbage comment and that’s when Caroline pulls out the wildcard! She lets it slip that Teresa told her she didn’t want to make –up with Joey and called him of all slanderous, horrific, and cruel things – an “a$$ hole”! Melissa’s mouth drops-open and she gasps, as if Teresa announced a deep dark family secret like Melissa was a stripper.

I totally believe T said this, but I think she said it in the heat of the moment when she was very emotional and saying say things out of anger, hurt, or frustration when talking to friends they (we all do this, admit it). I think it was very spiteful for Caroline to pull this out when she knew the context in which Teresa said it. Caroline pulled the same thing with Danielle last season when she called her a “clown.” She needs to get over herself. So does Teresa. So does Melissa. Kathy can stay – she makes cake.

After that comment Teresa accuses Caroline of lying. Melissa continues with her shocked face, which is the fakest thing I’ve experienced since Easy-Cheese. Caroline insists she is not a liar – except when it comes to defining where exactly her husband lives to the government of NJ… I’m pretty sure Gov Christie thinks you guys might be liars. Teresa screams that Caroline is “pathetic!”

We are not even mid-way through and I am exhausted and mentally drained. And no amount of ice cream is making me feel better.

In an attempt to break up the drama Andy debuts the NJ dictionary! Oh, Melissa’s face when the “wench like me” clip was showed – priceless! No one is in the mood for jokes in this crowd and mostly mustered little smiles while holding themselves back from assault and battery. Teresa attempts to be nice to Melissa by telling her the wench comment was funny and she actually says it in a nice and reassuring way – for her. Kathy and Teresa both thankfully let Kathy’s little “joke” about T not speaking the Language of Intelligence go.

Everyone, even Teresa, acts supportive of Melissa’s music career. Melissa reveals she and Joe are doing things independently (so no label has signed her?!) with music and it is very expensive. Melissa becomes emotional talking about her father. She believes he would be proud of her, but she isn’t sure if he would be a fan of the show.

Melissa finally explains how Joe has enough money to keep her in the Rolexes and Fur – apparently he takes old warehouses and converts them into houses and apartments and also designs custom homes. The “gold-digger” comment comes up. Teresa is adamant that Melissa got drunk once and said she wasn’t going to be stupid like her sisters. Melissa is furious – everyone knows she loves Joey enough to do it with him in a public bathroom on national television!

Teresa tries to rope Kathy into it, but Kathy’s memory is very cloudy – she doesn’t remember Melissa saying any such thing. Teresa rants that it’s 3:1.

Melissa explodes that Teresa is acting “like the devil,” Teresa retaliates by yelling that Melissa is actually the devil, cause she’s wearing a red dress! Brilliant. She follows that up by calling her a bitch. THEN the irony… she throws out “we’re at a good place, why are you going back there?!”

Trying to point out some positives about Teresa, Andy compliments her appearance and her Sizzle Tan and asks her about bringing home the bacon. Teresa explains she loves working (which is good, cause the Juicy apparently does not). She wants to show her daughters not to rely on a man, be successful, go to college.

Teresa’s Jewish comment is revisited. I suspect her Jewish friend is Patti Stanger! Teresa apologizes after much runaround. Teresa also defends her opulent Christmas after declaring bankruptcy. Apparently several $200 gifts aren’t lavish – they’re normal. Right.

Teresa reveals her brother did not help her during her bankruptcy, but Joe’s father helped him. Caroline had an odd look on her face during this time. Teresa admits photos were taken of her possessions not for an auction but because rumors were abound that she and Juicy owned millions of dollars in artwork (which Andy points out they couldn’t exactly afford even before bankruptcy. Hehe). Are we confusing artwork with framed posters perhaps?

And on that note – here comes the bankruptcy talk. Teresa is predictably vacant and gives everyone no answers and in fairness she probably shouldn’t discuss the situation. She seems extremely confused about Bankruptcy Fraud being considered a felony – does she not get it or is she just playing dumb for legality or embarrassments sake. Melissa tactfully reminds her all this stuff is public record. She also tells a shocked Senor Cohen she doesn’t know when she has to repay her debts by.

Teresa explains Juicy has returned to his career of flipping houses, which he also got Joey and Richie involved in! Much heated debate ensues. Kathy demonstrates she may have a Gorga temper afterall when she flips out about Richie and Juicy’s business dealings. They were probably all afraid the investigators were going to come knocking on their doors next if they thought they were mixed up with Juicy!

Melissa insists Teresa didn’t want Joe telling Richie, or anyone else, how they made their money because she is the only person who is allowed to be rich or successful. Teresa says Juicy has nothing to hide and will tell anyone anything! Duh! As Melissa pointed out – WHO would want business advice from the Juic? This whole exchange, like this whole reunion, was odd and confusing! Melissa snipes that everyone owes allll their successes to Teresa and Joe. Which given the show, may or may not be true…

Andy asks Teresa about Juicy facing jail time and Teresa seems as confused about that as she is about when her debts are due! Teresa tells us Joe didn’t do anything. Ummm… really?? Caroline suddenly gets her big girl panties in a bunch. She is perplexed and concerned. She wants to know where Teresa gets her money, but she doesn’t really want to know because she’s staying out it! There is some dispute about Teresa being defensive or not – she was, but sort of with reason. And so was Caroline.

Teresa demands that Caroline stay out of her business – she doesn’t ask questions about The Brownstone! What was she implying? I’m curious, myself!

Then Caroline loses it and rants that she is getting dumber as the minutes go on and is in a whirlwind of stupid (well, you are on a Real Housewives show!). Teresa is yelling about how everyone should stay out of it. Caroline is just going to plug her ears and go “la-la-laaa” while Andy asks questions, and Teresa wants Caroline to take her own advice. And Caroline wishes she had taken her own advice two –years ago and gotten Teresa out of her life. Whew – we’re done.

Next week : Dina-gate! And all hell breaks loose over the definition of family.

Watch What Happens Live: A much needed fun break! Jay Mohr, NJ Blogger extraordinaire is the guest! Apparently Andy tapped him to blog while in line at Pearle Vision. The Drinking Game word is: Display.

Jay does some hilarious expressions – the Tracey Morgan/Joe Gorga one is priceless. There is discussion about Teresa and Melissa’s foreheads and Teresa’s is compared to NBA player Tim Duncan!

Andy asks Jay about Melissa’s backwards crossing – it is odd. Jay is supportive of any method of thanking Jesus and True that! Andy does a segment of La Donna de Teresa Opera. HAHAHA! Teresa vs. Jay blogger wars is brought up and Jay is so happy he was spared a motorboat opportunity.

Andy reads a cryptic Dina Manzo Tweet: “The stronger person chooses to be kind over being right. silence is GOLDEN…” I wonder whom that was directed to? Jay answers a question about Caroline being a puppeteer. Jay feels Caroline is reactive not proactive, so no. Hmmm… I might be Team Danielle on this one!

And finally Jay sings “On Display” – the acoustic version! No AutoTune! Why does he sound waaaaaay better?! This is a problem Melis! This is the best thing I’ve ever seen on WWHL! Please mohr, Jay, mohr! Can he be like the Richard Cheese of HW singles except he will re-make their songs into tolerable music (exempting Kandi, of course!)?

Thoughts on Scary Reunion? Can you stomach part 2? Whose side are you on: Teresa or Caroline? Or No ones?! Who do you think is telling the truth?

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