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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta, Kandi, NeNe and Cynthia have an all-girls weekend in Miami and I mean allll girls as it turns out to be lesbian pride weekend. Kim celebrates her 43rd 33rd birthday with a surprise party and Phaedra learns more about the mortuary business — like her husband Apollo is not down with owning a funeral home!

Kandi, NeNe and Cynthia are headed to Miami. Kandi is surprised she was invited since NeNe has never really liked her and all. NeNe probably thinks Kandi is on the outs with Kim over Tardy For The Party and is hoping to recruit her for Team N. Bravo gives us a little flashback of last year’s RHOA trip to Miami and it involved neck snappin’ and eyeball poppin’! When the ladies arrive at the incredibly posh hotel they are greeted with cocktails. My kinda place – and NeNe’s (she announces she lives for a cocktail)!

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Kandi is concerned that she may be trapped in paradise with a crazy biotch and doesn’t totally trust NeNe. The talk immediate turns to sex and NeNe wants to know if her new friend Kandi has been “thowin them legs back” (code for having some sexytimes)! NeNe makes it her mission to find Kandi a man – except this weekend is all about chicks since the menz seem to have disappeared!

At Kim’s (she is 36 weeks pregnant and 33 years-old — allegedly), Kroy wants to throw Kim a surprise party since it’s their first as a couple. In cahoots with Sweetie they arrange for Kroy and Kim to be tardy for the party on a dinner date while Sweetie arranges it behind the scenes! Kroy doesn’t know what to get his humble and low-maintenance lady love… um… Kory a vibrating Pilates machine? Just a tip: a gold digger wants gold!

Phaedra pays a visit to Willie Watkins’ funeral home. Apparently Willie, like Phaedra, is always “dead sharp” looking and he is just the man Phaedra wants to mentor her through the funeral home process. Willie has some advice: don’t be a master of money, keep them sexy parts covered, focus on compassion and “it is what it is.” Luckily Phaedra has her “prayer cloth” on hand to keep her tantalizing kneecaps and other lady gems under wraps in case of pesky lusty spirits. Phaedra also carries holy water in her purse at all times. One can never be too careful! Personally I prefer Purell for those just in case moments, but whatev! Phaedra believes this business is her calling – so long as people have their insurance policies up to date!

Back in the MIA the ladies have lunch and talk chicks with chunk, money in the bank and the Sheree vs. NeNe in “toof wars.” According to NeNe, it’s a fact that she is rich and she believes Sharee and Kim have been conspiring together. NeNe is so over those haters and doesn’t want to talk about them anywhere: not on the moon or in the stars, not in Vegas or in China, not in Atlanta, not in the Bahamas – she will not talk about them at all. Uh-huh. It’s like Green Eggs and Ham the Hater Housewife version!

Kandi is well aware that many people with “new money” aren’t really rich at all, but they sure are in a hurry to pretend. Cynthia wonders why everyone else can talk about Big Poppa’s their money but not NeNe? Kandi explains she is treading carefully with NeNe because NeNe has two sides: Fun and angry black woman. The ladies discover the reason there are no menz anywhere is because NeNe scared them away it’s Lesbian pride weekend. Perhaps Kim and DJ Tracey will show up!? Ha! NeNe admits she is confused by lesbians, but she won’t discriminate where drinks and fun are concerned! Although she is strictly dickly!

Sheree takes her 14-year-old son, Kairo, shoe shopping. Kairo is very shy. In fact, he barely speaks to Sheree. Sheree feels Kairo would have benefited from a more prominent and positive male role model in his life and is disappointed her ex-husband Bob did not engage more. Sheree lets Kairo know she spoke to his father about him being more involved. It was nice to see Sheree in the concerned mama role.

Back in Miami, NeNe is confronting all the changes in her life head-on by looking at property. A very ex-pen-sive property. See, NeNe wants to leave Haterville (aka Atlanta) because all these bitches have driven her insane. You can take the hating biotch out of Atlanta but you’re still a hating biotch, NeNe! NeNe is scoping out a $9M property that Kandi and everyone else in America is positive she cannot afford, nonetheless what a fantastic house! NeNe has been making “good money” and has far surpassed what Gregg was able to provide, but just because she is single and rich she is not any man’s sugar momma. Is the term “rich” relative — just as the term “famous”?

After touring the dream house the ladies make their way to the beach where poor Kandi is terrorized by NeNe’s nip-slip and embarrassed when the ladies start discussing her weight. Kandi admits she has way too much “playground” going on. NeNe has no room to talk about anyone’s thighs I might add and I think Kandi looked great!

Sex talk weekend continues and NeNe wants to know if Kandi is still celibate? Apparently she lasted 10 months thanks to “toys”! NeNe reveals she, too, is celibate (why am I not surprised) but doesn’t like toys – she does not need her coochie to get third degree burns! Kandi offers to get her a vibrator, but NeNe is looking for someone to whisper sweet nothings and all a vibrator says is bzzzzzzzzzzzz. Aaaahhh… the sweet sounds of romance. What is Kandi looking for in a man – someone who can kiss “both lips”? Oh, and in case you were wondering if any of our other Atlanta housewives are interested in lady the pond – the answer is nope, Kandi might dip her foot in the pool but that’s as far as it goes! Kim stands alone on that one!

After scouring the beach for a man – any man – they spot a couple potentials playing frisbee. The ladies make an attempt to join them and the very forward balding furry one seems to like our Ms. Leakes who is so incredibly awkward! Isn’t she a former stripper? After a few blatant attempts by the boys to stay in front of the cameras, with NeNe offering up Kandi’s cell phone number, the ladies bail. NeNe explains she’s not ready to date as she still has Gregg and his divorce settlement on the brain!

Sheree and Kim meet for dinner. Immediately they start talking NeNe and how she has burned every bridge among their friend group. Kim is shocked by NeNe’s behavior on Apprentice with A-list people! Um… since when is Star Jones A-list? By that measurement Kim and NeNe are way down there in the N-List category! Sheree believes working with Trump made NeNe delusional and just like on a stripper pole; as fast as you go up you come down!

Phaedra and Apollo discuss opening a funeral home. Phaedra wants to open the Saks Fifth Avenue of funeral homes and Saks Fifth Avenue or Wal-Mart, Apollo is not interested! Phaedra likes the dead because they’re quiet – much different from her co-stars! Apparently Apollo’s current line of work, which involves relocation and asset recovery, isn’t particularly long-term. Phaedra pretends she doesn’t really know what her husband does but it seems to me she was doing a lot of word shuffling to avoid saying REPO! Phaedra isn’t worried about Apollo getting on board – she thinks he’ll come around to her way of thinking. I say: It is what it is!

It’s Kim’s birthday! Kim, Kroy and her cleavage are going out to dinner to cover-up her surprise party. Over dinner Kim is planning her post-pregnancy plastic surgery and a margarita binge. I give it two days post-partum before she busts out a Marlboro Light! Kroy reveals he wants her to learn to shoot and can’t wait until their son picks out a gun. See Kroy is a country boy, but Kim is book smart. Let that sink in for a few seconds and then burst out laughing.

Kim makes it clear that she is not OK with getting shot in the butt with a BB gun – what it if it knocks some Velashape or implants loose? And the second their son picks up a gun she’s rushing him straight to the nail salon! Afterwards, Kroy gifts Kim with a $32,000 chocolate diamond bangle she’s always wanted. Um… Big Poppa couldn’t get it? Kim only wanted it because it cost $32K and immediately after gushing over the expensive bauble Kim starts talking about peeing! Kim’s so classy – Diamonds, sideboob, and vajayjays.

Meanwhile, the surprise party is about to begin complete with a LV purse cake! Kandi is there even though Kim and her still have weirdness following Kim basically stealing money from her over Tardy For The Party. Kandi thinks Kim’s birthday a good time to get things back on track.

After coming home and rushing right to the bathroom, Kim comes out to a big surprise. Good thing she went pee first! Phaedra jokes that NeNe can come out now and Kim does not laugh! Sheree and Kim believe NeNe’s newfound friendship with Kandi is an ulterior motive and they want to know: If she’s so rich why are her free veneers half-finished? Kim thinks NeNe must have eaten the rest of the teeth! Also where’s the rest of NeNe’s furniture?!

Talk turns to hot sex and how Phaedra is not having it. I love the sex talk in front of Kim’s daughters who looked both riveted and disgusted! While Kim gets a massage all her friends grill Kroy, who dreams of whisking his beweaved Kim to Montana while he opens an outdoor business. She wants fur burp cloths – he can hunt and skin some animal and make her some! They do seem well–matched and even if it doesn’t work out he has to be there for 18 years under the Georgia state laws, according to our legal eagle, Phaedra!

Next week: Kim’s baby shower is eerily similar to Phaedra’s! Apollo and Peter get into it! NeNe and Gregg talk seeing other people!

Watch What Happens Live: The guests are NeNe and Tatiana Ali. NeNe’s thoughts on Kim and Kroy’s marriage is: “Love is beautiful thing” but her face belies that. In fact NeNe has nothing to say to Kim at all! She is also backpeddaling on her comments that she is “rich.” And yes – she is rich; rich in health, in spirit… Surprisingly Tatiana is on NeNe’s side! NeNe also makes it very clear that her “financial ability” is no one’s business but her own – except she wants all of us to know she is rich!

Andy thinks NeNe gives men a Noner when she talks about sex. Ummm…does that mean no action in the male genital region?! Apparently NeNe’s veneers were not free – as she shows off her full-set of pearly whites (new?). NeNe says Kim is still the same old trashbox Kim with the weave and three kids with three different men, Sheree is still broke, and Kandi is still two-faced. NeNe is very happy right now and she is well aware that negative influences are looking to pull her back in!

Tatiana confesses she would not do a duet with Kim, but she would with Kandi. She handled that with class. (hint, hint NeNe). Tatiana also apparently has her own experience with prayer cloths and tantalizing legs!

The game is Atlanta or A-Man-Ta! Round Deux! NeNe gave me the giggles with her name calling – guessing Man-Sheree and Big-Hipped Kandi! Oops and everyone confuses Trashy Kim and man-legged Sheree with drag queens! Andy plays a vintage Tatiana clip of her on Sesame Street. So cute!! Andy also announces Jenni Pulos is engaged! SO happy for her –and I am crossing my fingers for a Flipping Out wedding! The Duggars are crowned “Jackhole of the Week” for being pregnant with baby number 20!

Poll Question: Who’s your favorite Housewife so far? The winner is NeNe!?

THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE? IS NENE OUT OF CONTROL AND HAS FAME GONE TO HER HEAD? IS KANDI TWO-FACED? THOUGHTS ON PHAEDRA’S FUNERAL HOME PLANS – WILL APOLLO COME AROUND? ARE KIM AND KROY COMPATIBLE?

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