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Because everyone likes a little something extra after the holidays, last night MTV gifted us with not one, but two new episodes of Teen Mom 2! I know you’re just as pumped about it as I am, and if you think I’m being sarcastic… well, you’re right. Two hours of mayhem, stupid choices, and those poor toddlers.

EPISODE ONE: MY SHAMELESS PLUG FOR NORTH CAROLINA COURT APPOINTED ATTORNEYS

Leah and Corey are gearing up for more doctor’s visits for Ali. In an effort to cheer up the twins, Leah brings home a kitten. Just one more thing for the couple to take care of in the midst of all their issues. Corey isn’t thrilled about the cat (can you blame him?) but he is happy he’ll be able to accompany Leah to Ali’s geneticist appointment.

Chelsea is recovering from her surgery and she’s bummed to learn that the owners of the house her dad’s she’s renting are trying to sell it. She reveals to her dad that she’s going to have to find new digs. She promises her dad that when she finds a new place, Adam won’t be living with her… he’ll just stay there the majority of the time. Chelsea is ready for a change. There are too many bad memories in her old house — fighting with Adam and growing distant from her former roommate Megan (foreshadowing? And thanks to all the readers who made me realize it will be Megan who shows up preggers in this episode, when I mistakenly thought it was Chelsea’s sister). Chelsea also wants to go back to blonde. Whoa, the changes!

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Kailyn wants to talk to Jo about getting Isaac on a Saturday, typically Jo’s day. She wants to throw Isaac a first birthday party. He agrees to let her take Isaac for a few hours so they can celebrate. She goes shopping for some decorations and favors. Kailyn feels guilty that she can’t spend as much money on the bash now that she’s got her own place, but her friend reminds her that he’s one — he won’t remember. Chelsea also reveals that she won’t be inviting her mom to Isaac’s party.

Jenelle is sleeping while Barbara tends to Jace. The only thing that rouses Jenelle is a text from Kieffer that he’s been sprung from the clink. She tells her mom she’s going to meet up with Reefer and Barbara is less than thrilled. Give me a break, Jenelle!

Leah has a home appointment with a physical therapist hoping to gain some insight into why Ali’s not yet walking. The physical therapist recommends some splints to keep Ali’s ankles stable. The therapist does think that Ali will be able to walk one day, but she’s not showing the enthusiasm I’d like to see, so I am sure Leah is upset about the uphill battle ahead.

A giddy Jenelle meets Kieffer to discuss why she pressed charges against him. She negates Reefer’s horrendous behavior, but of course, I’ve often been guilty of negating Jenelle’s misgivings. Both of them blame their upbringing on their anger and behavior. MTV dubs over the scene (we can tell, Morgan J. Freeman, when the girls aren’t really talking!) that Jenelle is worried about the upcoming court hearing for her possession charge. Girl, you should be! Let’s learn some lessons, please.

Kailyn is perfecting her bump-it for Isaac’s big day. Her cousins arrive to help set up for the birthday shindig and they both have toddlers as well. Kailyn attempts to bake a cake while her cousins promise to give Jordan the third degree can’t wait to meet her new beau. Meanwhile, Chelsea can’t be bothered with finding new lodging until her dad can pay help. Instead, she gets a friend to baby-sit Aubree while she channels her inner Marilyn Monroe. She tells her hairdresser that she can’t wait to go to cosmetology school… at some point…later…in the much, much distant future… if at all. Wait, did she say she wanted her hair to be blonde or stark white? Holy Lindsay Lohan on a bad day, Bleach Gods!

Leah fills in Corey on the appointment with the physical therapist. The pair thinks that Ali will be just as cute in splints as she is in glasses. Corey really seems to be a rock when it comes to supporting his daughter. But for the love of everything camo, he needs to lose that hat.

Jenelle meets with her court-appointed lawyer Dustin Sullivan (who happens to be good friends with a dear friend of mine — that’s right, I name drop court appointed counsel for Teen Moms! No shame in my game) who breaks down her potential sentence, warns her that she could lose future financial aid and hopes that her lack of a record will be a plus at her court date.

Sidebar — I just took a picture of Dustin on my TV screen and sent it to our mutual friend. I immediately received a text back that she was arrested again today (which would be last night for all you readers) for harassment and threatening phone calls. Seriously, Jenelle? I want so badly for you to get your shiz together.

Back to MTV, Dustin asks Jenelle about her recent drug use. Of course, she’s still smoking pot. She is brilliant, no? “How long will I have to stay clean for?” Jenelle asks. I think her attorney wants to say, “um, how about forever?” but he settles on her entire probationary time.

Chelsea meets up with her long lost friend — and Adam’s nemesis – Megan. She reveals that Adam and her are doing well, but Megan looks totally distracted. Megan tells Chelsea that she’s “going to be an auntie.” That is clearly where I got the “Chelsea’s sister is pregnant” vibe. Megan is going to keep her baby and Chelsea offers advice for the upcoming ups and downs. Good advice, shockingly.

It’s party time for Isaac. Kailyn is upset that Jo wasn’t home when she picked up Isaac after he pitched such a fit about her depriving him his time with their son. Jordan arrives to meet the cousins. The party is gearing up as more of Kailyn’s friends arrive to celebrate. Jordan gifts the little fellow with baby Uggs Air Jordans, and everyone enjoys birthday cake. Elsewhere, Jenelle shares her lawyer’s predictions with Barbara. Her mom warns her about continuing to smoke — and date – Reefer. Barbara wishes her daughter luck at her hearing.

Corey and Leah are taking Ali to the geneticist. At the appointment, the doctor does a blood test and the distraught couple must wait up to four weeks for the results. The pair is confused and scared by the geneticist’s potential diagnosis. Corey and Leah spend quality time with the twins and compare any physical differences between the two. Heartbreaking.

Chelsea is saddened to hear Megan’s news as she knows the hardships that lie in store for her friend. Adam arrives and she fills him in on finding a new place, her new hair (duh!) and Megan’s pregnancy. Adam is smug and rude about that last piece of information. Kailyn returns Isaac to Jo’s mom Janet, but Jo is still at the studio (you know, because he’s a “rapper”). Janet wants to discuss the pair’s past issues, but Kailyn is as closed off as ever.

At Leah’s mom’s house, the newlyweds share the geneticist’s news with the twins’ grandmother. They Google the syndrome for which the doctor expressed concern for Ali. Leah, Leah, Leah… you NEVER Google illnesses or disorders! Google is always bad news where medical diagnoses are concerned. Am I right? Corey is clearly upset and he wants Leah to know that regardless, his Ali is his Ali. Love. Him.

Jenelle bids farewell to Jace before her court date and Barbara warns her to tell the truth about her marijuana use, not put her glasses on her head, and she reminds her to make sure Kieffer tucks in his shirt. Pretty decent advice all around. Kieffer is already laying on a pretty solid guilt trip on the ride to the courthouse. Perhaps Barbara should have told Jenelle to remind him to take off his hood… nah, let the judge get on him for that. No such luck, as court is cancelled. Kieffer is thrilled that the duo will be able to get all the drugs out of their systems before they have to return. Hooray! Not.

EPISODE TWO: SERIOUSLY, THESE GIRLS WILL NEVER, EVER LEARN

Kailyn and Isaac are in a car accident on the way home from Jo’s house. While thankfully the pair is fine (Isaac wasn’t fazed), Kailyn’s car is totaled. She now realizes how easy it is to get into a wreck and the cost of the accident is sending her into an understandable tizzy. Kailyn’s pride won’t allow her to call her mom and she’s hoping that Jordan and her can find an affordable new (used) vehicle.

Chelsea’s dad has promised to pay help with rent, as long as Adam isn’t a roommate. Chelsea isn’t picky — she just wants a place where she doesn’t have to walk up stairs. Sounds reasonable enough. Chelsea wants to get a job so she can contribute to her living expenses. Her dad is proud of her for wanting to take on extra responsibilities. Meanwhile, Leah is on pins and needles while Corey and her await the results of Ali’s geneticist’s appointment.

Also looking for a new car is Jenelle (the Honda isn’t quite working). Barbara is allowing Kieffer back into her home (really??) and the pair’s court date is now two months away. Jenelle is hoping that the duo can stay out of trouble until then. Me too, but let’s be serious. Reefer isn’t too keen on the fact that Jenelle has been texting with an ex since he went to jail. He leaves with his panties in a wad.

Chelsea is going to check out some new digs for her and Adam Aubree. It’s two stories… yikes, those stairs! Chelsea begs her mom to call on her behalf, but her mother makes her do something for herself. Finally. She makes an appointment to check out the condo. Jenelle confides in a friend about Kieffer’s frustration that she’s been in contact with a former fling. Her friend thinks Kieffer is far too jealous. Shockingly, Jenelle knows her friend is right, but she just can’t stand to lose her knight in shining orange jumpsuit armor.

Kailyn is trying to negotiate a trade-in, but she’s running into the situation where her totaled car costs more to tow than to trade. Kailyn is in tears over her frustrating financial crisis. Hello, MTV! Can she get an advance on her next big paycheck? At Corey’s dad’s house, Leah and Corey bring the grandparents up to date on Ali’s medical struggles. Leah has now gone from full-time to one day a week at the dentist’s office. Corey’s dad praises the couple for facing such hardships. There is no question that Corey is his father’s son. Twins much?

Chelsea’s dad is meeting his daughter and Aubree to check out the townhouse. She is bummed that Adam won’t be moving in because it’s against her father’s wishes. Her dad hopes Aubree will find friends in the new neighborhood. Chelsea whines that she will be Aubree’s friend. Her dad chastises that she’s supposed to be Aubree’s parent, not Aubree’s friend. Perhaps he should take his own advice and be Chelsea’s father and not her bank account. A lease is signed and Chelsea prepares to move in the following day.

Kailyn is able to find a salvage yard that will pay a small amount for her car. Jordan is driving Miss Daisy Kailyn as she shops for a new cheap ride. She quickly finds a two-seater that’s within her budget. It’s not her dream car, but at least it drives. Adam is stressed because he has to hold down a real job (the horror!) and Chelsea hates the strain it has put on their relationship. He’s not sure if he can help her move into her new place. Chelsea tells her mother that she hates she can’t rely on Adam. Should she be surprised?

Kieffer is ignoring Jenelle’s calls. She wants weed to calm her stressing nerves. Barbara pleads with Jenelle to get out of bed and watch Jace while she runs an errand. Jenelle just sobs in her bed over Kieffer’s avoidance, and Barbara takes Jace with her. This is really hard to watch. I don’t pity Jenelle. I don’t pity Barbara. I just pity that poor, sweet boy.

Kailyn meets with Jordan and a friend, and contemplates filing for child support. She’s getting frustrated that Jo is never around when he has custody of Isaac and she’s doing everything on her own while Jo lives at home and lives off of his parents. I’m actually kind of surprised she hasn’t made this move yet. She leaves a voicemail for Jo that she’s filed for support. This should go over well… but Jo needs to contribute.

Leah and Corey are still waiting on Ali’s results. The pair is overwhelmed when Leah’s mom gets Ali to stand up while balancing on a coffee table. It’s a big stride for sweet Ali. Chelsea, however, isn’t having such a stellar time on her moving day. Adam is late coming to help, but at least he arrives. That’s a start, right? He’s in a fabulous mood, which only causes Chelsea’s whine to increase several decibels. Trouble in mediocrity paradise? I think Chelsea is more upset that he won’t be spending the night than she is over the fact he won’t do any heavy lifting.

Kieffer comes to speak with Jenelle while Barbara and Jace are running errands. He wants to end their relationship since she’s been talking to other guys. He is such a master manipulator and Jenelle is beyond sad for playing into his games. Dysfunction at it’s finest. Kieffer calls a friend to come and pick him up while Jenelle cries… and goes running after his car like some sort of Teen Mom ninja! She sobs and cusses about how much she loves him as he tries to persuade his friend to speed off into the night.

Kailyn speaks with Jo about her child support filing. He is floored by her decision. May I also add he’s acting like a douche? He doesn’t want to support her with his money. It’s lost on him that the money will really be going to help his child. He should respect all the positive choices she’s made for herself and their son. Leah gets a more positive phone call, with the geneticist’s office calling to say that Ali doesn’t seem to have any genetic disorders. The doctor wants to check her developmental progress in a year, but what a great diagnosis! A happily tearful Leah shares the fabulous new with Corey.

On the next episode, Jo doesn’t want to pay child support, while Chelsea and Adam fall back into their (his) verbally abusive games. Corey and Leah get a letter from the hospital regarding Ali, and Kieffer begs Jenelle for forgiveness.

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF LAST NIGHT’S EPISODES? WHICH COUPLE DO YOU FIND MOST DYSFUNCTIONAL? WHICH TEEN MOM DO YOU THINK IS DOING THE BEST FOR HERSELF AND HER CHILD/CHILDREN?

[Photo Credit: MTV]

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