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Last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Atlanta left NeNe Leakes and myself completely speechless. I dare say that was the oddest, craziest and most bizarre fight in Housewives history! Poor South Africa didn’t deserve this. Also, for self-proclaimed etiquette expert Marlo it’s a long way to the top if you want to be a socialite!

Arriving in South Africa the ladies brought the wild to the safari. Chalk it up to jet lag if you will. Lord the one liners in this episode are PRICELESS! After some super annoying Blair Witch Project footage of the women flying coach with no make up, they land in the airport, where much drama with the luggage ensues.

Apparently no one with the title “Housewives of Atlanta” can go on a ten-day trip with less than ten bags, so everyone is pushing these ENORMOUS luggage carts around the airport. Louis Vuitton is probably issuing a cease and desist letter right about now – either that or filing a defamation of character suit after this episode.

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While Phaedra opts to be a trooper and push her luggage up the escalator, everyone else fights it out in the elevators. And strangely they all want to ride in the same elevator car, like this is the Girl Scouts buddy system or something. While Marlo tried to fit her 83 designer luggage pieces in an already jam-packed car, Kandi was issuing the death glare. If looks could kill, Kandi would be the airport elevator serial killer.

Kandi explains how elevators work, they go up and down over and over, or, in other words, wait for the next one! Sheree has valid concerns that this vacation to the Motherland will be entirely spent in the airport. For all the luggage they brought too bad everyone forgot to pack class.

On the way to the hotel, Marlo obsesses about having to share a bathroom and then proceeds to give the women some helpful etiquette tips she’s learned from a book. Points for being prepared, I suppose! Points detracted for being annoying! Everybody knows inviting yourself on someone else’s vacation and refusing to shut up is in poor taste.

The ladies finally arrive at the hotel and it is gorgeous. Sheree jokes that NeNe, Phaedra and her are sharing a suite, causing stunned silence followed by hysterical laughter. Marlo has many concerns about security in the hotel, doesn’t she know Phaedra has a taser and some holy water?

The ladies meet for breakfast. The Talls arrive in glamorous caftans, the Smalls in typical PJ’s. Marlo was already wearing 5” heels. During the meal, the ladies are treated to another litany of Marlo’s how-tos and I have to agree with Kandi, Marlo is desperately trying to run from her past. She better put on flats then, because heels are not the best for sprinting!

Since everybody knows when you host an international vacation for all your closet enemies, who also, unfortunately, happen to be your co-workers, you should give a commemorative gift to keep the memories alive. Phaedra dispenses some “so glad you came” gifts from her queenly thrown, wearing her queenly Marshall’s robe. Unfortunately, she didn’t have one made for Marlo, since she wasn’t aware she was coming. Not to fear, Phaedra has already contacted her secretary to get another one special ordered, right after she called the King of somewhere to see about borrowing his palace for dinner.

Sheree also gives the ladies a gift – the gift of a snub. A friend of Sheree’s is coincidentally in SA and she will be joining him for dinner. Except only Kandi and Phaedra are invited to come along. Something tells me excluding half the guests in your intimate travel group from a dinner party is not in Emily Post’s manual.

Cynthia wasn’t invited because Sheree didn’t want NeNe to be left all by her lonesome and CyNethia are attached at the hip. You could cut the awkwardness at that table with a butter knife. Wait… what does Marlo Post say about using a butter knife to cut?

The Talls leave the table and as soon as they are in the safety of their cave of the giants, they start freaking out about Sheree’s rudeness. It seems that Sheree, after briefly extending the olive branch to Cynthia, has now pulled the black-out shades down. Oh well, another day, another pair of shades these ladies have yachting to do. And this is where things start to really go south. Pun intended.

Taking a break from South Africa, Kim is at home whining about being responsible for child care and cleaning. Poor Kim just can’t handle feeding KJ and baby-sitting Sweetie. Really I think the “fire Sweetie” plot line was orchestrated by Bravo.

Kim’s parents come over to cook dinner, which was very sweet. Kim’s dad, ever the busybody, takes the opportunity to tell Kim that he thinks Kroy has changed her for the better and he believes Kroy is the right person for Kim. Ariana reveals she has talked to Kroy about proposing and he told her it’s in the works! Maybe this ring will mean a thing. In the meantime poor Kim is stuck feeding KJ while everyone else eats – including her assistant, who has mysteriously morphed into full-time nanny. Kim’s dad claims she has changed, but I still see the same old self-absorbed Kim!

Back in SA, the ladies board a yacht for a special tour of Cape Town. Phaedra is shocked none of the ladies want to discuss South African history. Uuuuhhh… she’s really surprised by that? Instead the ladies want to talk about each other. Marlo explains the proper way to stand up in a skirt, but nearly moons all of SA trying to demonstrate. “Can somebody please send this woman back to Atlanta,” Kandi wonders?

I’m surprised Sheree was allowed to bring her rent-a-Birkin out of the country. Maybe it’s more like a firkin and there are no rules about where those can go.

Inside the yacht, the ladies ignore the scenery and instantly start arguing. Marlo calls Kandi unwelcoming and accuses her of ignoring her in the mall. Kandi sort of brushes it aside because no one wants to anger the crazy woman with the assault record. Then, Cynthia points out that she used to think Phaedra was rude until they had their double date.

Finally, NeNe — dressed as the Shah of Iran — accuses Phaedra of not liking her because she supposedly talked about Apollo. Phaedra insists she has no issues with NeNe and the two agree to say hello to each other from now on. Marlo decides to butt in and instruct Sheree and NeNe to make amends, which doesn’t really go anywhere. NeNe and Marlo reveal they have “clicked” because they are oh-so similar and should be considered a package deal. Okaaay then. I wonder if this violates CyNethia’s friend contract?

Exiting the boat it seems the women have made a tacit agreement to be nice to each other for the remainder of the trip. Kandi is confused about why NeLo is even on this trip given that Ne hates everyone but Cynthia and Lo doesn’t even know them.

Unfortunately, so long as Marlo and her mouth are here no one is getting along. Marlo just will not shut up. Even Cynthia is annoyed, as she reminds Marlo that interrupting is very rude.

Back at the hotel, Sheree, Phaedra and Kandi are planning for the exclusive dinner at Sheree’s friend’s house. They debrief the yacht ride. Phaedra reiterates that she doesn’t have a problem with NeNe, but she is not a booty licker – unlike some people on this trip, staying in the hotel room next door, whose name rhymes with Pinthia.

The smalls are waxing poetic about how they are ready to move forward and put the past behind them when Cynthia shows up to tower over them and assert her giantess. It was like Jack and the Beanstalk! Keeping with the new friendships mood, Cynthia reaffirms they are all invited to come to dinner at Nobu should the desire present itself. Suddenly, having a change of heart after realizing Cynthia really is detached from NeNe’s butt, Sheree last minute invites Cynthia to her friend’s dinner. But make no mistake NeLo are still off the guest list.

Cynthia immediately runs next door to let NeNe know about the invite. Ok…. What happened to clearing the air, being civil and Cynthia being her own person? NeNe isn’t mad because she wouldn’t invite Sheree if the situation was reversed. At least she’s honest! HOWEVER, NeNe believes Marlo should have be invited since she hasn’t done anything to make Sheree hate her – yet!

Marlo decides to handle this in typical Housewives fashion — march over there and double-check that Sheree doesn’t want her joining them for dinner. NeNe tries to stop her, but not really.

Barging in, Marlo demands, “What about me?!” Backpedaling at warp speed, Sheree gets her high-piched, fast-talking drama voice on and insta-invites the ex-con; telling her they are leaving right now. Sadly, NeLo are in the doorway and the Smalls can’t run past (maybe they could duck between their legs?) which means Sheree is stuck getting into a screaming match with Marlo.

Marlo isn’t having any of Sheree’s pity-vites and is furious at the fakery given the therapeutic boat ride they just took thus cementing their friendships together like the glue that holds on NeNe’s everlasting false eyelashes.

She calls Sheree out for being phony and Sheree gets right back in Marlo’s face about how none of them even knew she was crashing their vacation and they aren’t even friends, so Ha! Suddenly, Marlo drops the F*gg*t-bomb and insists Sheree’s affiliation with gay men explains her singleness. And then she storms out of the room. Right, so ummm.. what chapter of Emily Post is that in, Marlo?

Sheree retaliates by wondering about Marlo’s 80-year-old john boyfriend. Does Sheree not know about Marlo’s history!? Sheree is braver than I thought!

Marlo runs back down the stairs and starts screaming about Sheree’s money problems and her reposed car and all sorts of below the belt nonsense. Oh, Sheree, I think we found who gonna check you, Boo!

The most shocking thing about this fight was not that Marlo enjoys f—king 80-year old men for Aston Martins, nor that Marlo actually admitted to having sex with geriatrics, or that she accused Sheree of hanging out with drug dealers, but that NeNe was temporarily rendered speechless! In four seasons of this show, I have never, ever, not once, seen NeNe stunned and silent!

Phaedra, used to gibberish because she has a one-year-old, just resumes putting on her make-up and ignores the fight because she couldn’t understand what they were talking about anyway. Apparently, Sheree is a loser because she only has one Rolex? You can take the Atlanta Housewives out of Atlanta, but you can’t take the Atlanta Housewives out of the Atlanta Housewives!

A flabbergasted NeNe has an epiphany. Apparently seeing herself scream at Star Jones on Celebrity Apprentice did nothing to increase her self-awareness, but watching Marlo and Sheree go at it like feral cats over a can of tuna has opened her eyes to how stupid and embarrassing such behavior is. Do you think she was texting Kim at that moment? Befriend me again, Wigziak!

Cynthia majorly regrets telling NeLo about the latent dinner party invite. Like she didn’t do that on purpose, knowing it would elicit some sort of melodramatic reaction! Although, I’m dead positive she didn’t expect Marlo to lose her shizz and start screaming at Sheree over returning clothes to Neiman Marcus!

Shreee is not frightened by Marlo’s criminal past because she has one of her own, and is not planning to back down to someone exposing all her monetary woes. I’m really confused by why Marlo is seemingly proud that she is basically sleeping with some geriatric for monetary gains and dang, Marlo hits with some very, very low blows. Ick. She needs to re-read that etiquette book and then re-read it again and again. Socialite my butt!

I’m guessing any social clout Marlo may have mustered in Atlanta has certainly evaporated after people witnessed this exchange!

Then, shocking me speechless, NeNe Leakes becomes the diplomat on the stairs! The instigator with a change of heart, quietly interrupts and asks if Sheree’s slight was intentional. Apparently, no, Sheree had just RSVP’d for three and didn’t even know Marlo was attending the trip.

After NeNe attempts to insert reason into the craziest and funniest disagreement ever; between two women who are completely broke and arguing over who got men to buy them more crap, the women start some strange mimicry back and forth with weird bird whooping. What in the hell?!?!?!?! Who put acid in the champagne here ladies?

It was like cartoon birds on crack or something. NeNe’s face… Bwahahaha! To be continued… in my nightmares! Wild Kingdom, indeed! Was anyone else amazed that NeNe was able to hang onto that Mimosa through the whole fight?

Next Week: Marlo continues to tear it up and act cray-cray. The ladies head to a safari and in an attempt to prove they are not completely shallow human beings volunteer at an orphanage.

WATCH WHAT HAPPENS LIVE with Kim, Kroy, and Kim’s new wig. Since when did Derek J leave her employ? The drinking game word is: wig! The bartender is the Mazel cheerleader with wig-poms! Kim was very subdued and kinda boring tonight, wasn’t she?

Kim reveals she is happy, in love, and at peace – perhaps Papa Zolciak was right about Kim being a better person with Kroy. Good for Kim. Kim hopes NeNe‘s new position as mediator will last. Me too! Kim seconds that she has heard rumors of Sheree’s swap and shop behavior at Neiman’s! Why am I not surprised Sheree Jill Zarins it up with the designer duds?

Kim accuses Marlo of having several Big Poppa‘s and claims she refrains from spending time with her – for obvious reasons! Kim is up first for Plead The Fifth, and immediately evokes the fifth by refusing to show off her real hair! Kim isn’t able to come up with three positive things about NeNe, Kinda lame, Kim!

Poor Andy echos all the viewers sentiments when he openly mourns for the days of Kim and NeNe, besties extraordinaire. They are so fun. Kim is boring now and Kroy is like walking Valium.

The poll question is: Whose side are you on? The Talls vs. The Smalls. The Smalls win by a landslide! I’m guessing one rotten apple did ruin the apple sauce, ahem… Marlo!

WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON? MARLO OR SHEREE? ARE YOU SURPRISED BY NENE’S TURN AS THE MATURE ONE? DOES BRAVO NEED TO IMMEDIATELY THROW MARLO TO THE LIONS OR IS SHE A GOOD ADDITION TO THE CAST?

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