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Last night’s time with the gang from Jersey Shore was just how I like it:  Light-hearted, drunken tomfoolery without excessive urine, blurring of Britneys, or vomit, and a stage-five clinger thrown in for good measure. Speaking of measurement, Mike logged in some quality phone time with the Unit.

Mike is disappointed when he calls the Decibel and finds out he’s in Miami. This means he’s not able to come to the Shore to tell Jionni about Snooki’s situation with the Situation. Mike is thrilled to learn, however, that his brother is hooking up with Deena’s sister. There were so many bleeps in that portion of the conversation I felt like Mike was a smoke detector. Mike is being an evil genius right now… minus the genius part.

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Snooki bids farewell to her dad, urging him to get his drink on, and Jenni confides in her friend that she is upset about the status of her relationship with Roger. Snooki tries to wake a sleeping Situation to see if he’d like to join the group drinking on the boardwalk, but he’s being distant. The gang heads out to a bar that Vinny describes as a sweat box. JWoww is more Womp, womp, womp than Woww, so she heads home, still depressed over Roger.

Vinny meets a sure-thing, but she’s just a six. If this were mid-week, a six would be fine, but it’s the weekend. He needs to find an eight, at the very least. He quickly does, but she’s with another guy. Good news! It’s her brother! Vinny gets caught up in a six/eight sandwich. Does that make him a seven? Can they even do math? Deena hijacks the six, being an excellent wing woman as opposed to her normal c-blocker self. A drunk and Ewoked Snooki heads home.

Les-be-honest, it’s bad news back at the clerb for Vinny when he learns his lady love only loves the ladies. No worries, as he’s up for the challenge. Deena goes as far as to bring the six back to the house in the event that Vinny can’t convert the eight. Good news for the six – the lesbian doesn’t want Vinny to be her Christopher Columbus!

The following morning, Jenni calls Roger and finds out that he’s taken off work for the day because his phone was broken. However, he didn’t think to call her and tell her he was free. Snooki is still wasted, and Vinny’s smush with the six was about a nine. In between falling down, Snooki pinpoints that she either needs to poo or spew. Instead, she naps on the smush room’s bare mattress. She did attempt to clean it first – kind of. Jenni and Roger get into another tiff because he is running late for their date. She unleashes all of the pent up frustration she has been having with Roger before hanging up the duck phone.

Pauly and the meatballs head to work at the Shore Store. The meatballs are running around the racks like a Pac Man game before heading out of the store. Boss man is not happy, and he runs after his fleeing employees. Meanwhile, a former customer creepily stalks Pauly D from a boardwalk bench. Danny finds the meatballs taking shots at a bar, with Deena trying to hide behind a booth. Deena wishes he wouldn’t be such “an annoying.” Almost immediately, Snooks meets a bachelorette and the meatballs sneak out of work once again to celebrate with the soon-to-be bride.

Back home, Pauly D talks to JWoww about his new stalker. He’s the only one who has consistently had Shore stalkers. I may be one of them (J/K PD! LOL! Call me!!). Jenni reminds him of the movie Misery and tells him he’s going to have his knee caps smashed. Or ankles. Depends on which version you watched, I guess. Pauly and Vin head out to find the meatballs, and Jenni is quick to join them so she won’t be left at home with Mike. Good call. Are Sammi and Rawn just camped out in the smush room? I know I’ve seen them both for a hot minute (credit where credit is due, Brandi Glanville!) but they are not bringing the usual drama this season. And I’m proud of them for it…

There is a meatball sighting on the boardwalk. Jenni joins the bachelorette party (the poor bride can’t keep up with the meatballs on the dance floor…yikes) while Pauly and Vin continue to cruise the strip. Oddly enough Pauly’s stalker is two steps behind them. Stage five clinger! Back at the house, Mike awakens to find he’s all alone. The nerve of his roommates to go out without him! I mean, when Snooki tried to wake him up to party the night before he was all about it, if “it” was ignoring her and going back to sleep. Mike gives his best Dr. Evil laugh and promises to stop being such a nice guy to these jacklegs.

The girls head back to the house, and Snooki invites the Situation to go out drinking. He’s so confused. Should he go and have fun or continue planning his roommates’ downfalls? The meatballs seem to sincerely want to hang out with him. Such a conundrum. That’s a situation, Situation. #thesaurus Jenni has used up her fun juice and heads to bed. Back at the bar, Pauly and Vin are pool sharking the locals. Pauly is pawning off any and every grenade in the place on his bud. In retaliation, Vinny beckons over Pauly’s stalker. Can I mention that she’s wearing a trucker cap with Pauly’s name airbrushed over the Italian flag? It totally complements her “Cabs Are Heeya” baby-tee. I wish I were kidding/I want that look.

The meatball-Mike trifecta is tearing up Seaside, but Mike is none too pleased when Deena pegs the trio an odd pairing of fun. I make the mistake of pausing it, and Mike’s shifty eyes look sinister. He needs to stop being such a drama queen! He reveals that he’s keeping his friends close and his enemies closer. The meatballs just think he’s back to being fun Mike. Their bad. MTV seems to have stolen Bravo’s mini-scene during the commercial breaks, and last night’s features a conversation between Snooki and the TBH (Terrifying Bunny Head) and a video montage of their fun times. It stops short of the bunny head and Snooks running towards each other in slow-mo through a field of daisies.

Deena has breakfast with Sammi and Rawn who tell her, along with Pauly D, that Danny is beyond angry about the meatball dip. Deena is concerned she’ll be fired and have to leave the house. Meatball D calls her boss to apologize, and he says he needs to think about the meatballs’ fate at the Shore Store. Ronnie is setting up cornhole on the roof, but Snooks finds more entertainment in climbing into the giant box in which the game was packaged. The shocking part is that this doesn’t shock me.

Ah yeah, Chinese food yeah! It’s Sunday dinner time, and Mike questions Deena about their siblings’ second date. Mike is joking about the new couple and Deena doesn’t take too kindly that the table talk is laughing about her sister. She lightens up some when Mike starts referring to her as his future sister-in-law. The Situation loves how easy it is to play Deena. He must call the Millimeter to relay this information. Mike finds out from the Particle that his brother is doing the smash and dash with Deena’s sister. Mike thinks this news is hilarious, as his brother is not normally like him this much of a jerk. Likewise, Deena isn’t feeling a potential future family dinner with her sister as Mrs. Even Older Situation. While she believes that Mike is being nice now, a leopard never sheds its “stripes”. No wait, a tiger never sheds it’s spots… y’all know what she means!

After Mike hangs up with the Gallon, the duck phone quacks again. It’s Joanie, Deena’s sister! Mike’s face looks like Angela Landsbury’s when she’s figured out who done it on Murder She Wrote. Geez Mike, you really don’t have much going for you these days, do you? He stutters through some dialogue with Joanie while giving her some skewed advice about his brother in hopes of gaining more Deena dirt. He’s so charming.

The next morning, Vin and Pauly head to the G(ym) where they run into a very angry Roger. Vinny agrees that Jenni is being stubborn, and Roger vows that he won’t be the first one making an apologetic phone call. Vin relays this message to JWoww. Bad move… maybe? Nope! Who knew? Jenni actually calls Roger to tell him she’s sorry. He goes off on her as soon as he picks up the phone. Roger uses some pretty big words. I am emphatically impressed. And the conversation takes a very negative turn.

Next week, the meatballs make Danny an apology cake, Snooki apparently watches Deena do sex (gag and gag… and one more for good measure: gag), and JWoww is at the center of a Karma brawl between Roger and some drunk juicehead.

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF LAST NIGHT’S EPISODE? ARE YOU TEAM ROGER OR TEAM JENNI? WHY IN THE WORLD IS MIKE ACTING LIKE THIS? WHAT DO YOU THINK RONNIE AND SAM ARE DOING THE OTHER 42 MINUTES WHEN THEY AREN’T GETTING SCREEN TIME?

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