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When our fearless editor RT let me know my new assignment was Bad Girls Club, I was scared. Previously, I considered this hangover television, and no matter what you may have heard, hangovers on a Monday night just aren’t my style anymore. So, I invite you to take this journey with me. Hope you bought your acrylic nails and your weave, because we’re about to be hazed into the Bad Girls Club!

Last week, new girl Elease, a name that sounds like a social network for landlords showed up, and to welcome her, the other girls threw her mattress into the pool. Erica and Gia decide that having Elease sleep in the “VIP room” on a hard bed was too cruel, so they ran out and got her a new one. This pisses off the Spongebob twins, Gabi and Dani, and while the other girls were at a group trip to the tattoo parlor, they drag her new mattress out and cover it in food, writing out a special message, “Welcome To The BGC.”

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Erica gets pissed about the vandalism when they discover it, because she could have spent her afternoon “tanning and going to the mall.” Damn straight, Erica! No one messes with a woman’s tanning and shopping time. The twins get away with the mattress ruining, and Amy gets blamed when the ladies return. Amy insists she wasn’t involved, but no one seems to be buying it. In a moment of lucidity, Erica talking-heads that every one is scared to leave the house because their stuff might get ruined, and that “no one should live that way.” I would argue that no one should live in a house with dozens of cameras, but that’s just me.

The only response to this situation is to head to the club, and there Gia, who says she needs some uh, male genitalia, flirts with the adorable D.J., Matt. When we return, it’s apparently daytime (this show has the weirdest editing) and Gia decides to prepare for a visit from Matt by doing shots with Amy. She gets drunker than Snooki pretty much right away and pukes right before Matt arrives. Matt is completely sober and refuses to drink with her, and you can see him totally lose his interest as she gets naked, climbs on top of him, and trashes the house.

When he decides to get the hell out of there like any rational person, Gia freaks out and begins attacking him. Erica wisely notes that her nipple is out, and it does not need to be out right now while the other girls try to contain her. Eventually, they get her up to bed, and decide that it was Amy’s problem that Gia lost it. Demetra thinks this is going to turn Matt off to Gia, asking “Who wants to deal with a psycho who can’t handle her liquor?” The answer to that is Matt, because later on in the show, he tells Gia he wasn’t scared off and the he’ll come see her again.

After some more clubbing, Amy comes back to the house to find a pair of panties outside Erica and Gia‘s room. Gia talking-heads “they’re not the coochy crooks” and that touching panties is disgusting. Erica ignores Amy the next morning, but in her on-camera interview admits to pulling the prank. She can’t help that she’s hilarious.

Finally, we get to what I guess is supposed to be the dramatic high point of the episode. The girls enter a bikini contest, with Erica admitting that the point of it is to belittle the twins, who have been bragging about how good they look. Elease, who has a perfect body, is a no-brainer to win. Amy enters for no particular reason, with Demetra bowing out, saying she would enter if it was a pie-eating or hot-dog eating contest. Me too, lady! Erica also declines to enter, since she can’t remove the white tank top that appears to be surgically-fused to her body.

Predictably, Elease wins the contest and the opportunity to be a ring girl at a fight in Las Vegas. The twins are pissed, but they figure it’s a matter of time before Erica and the rest of the house turn on her. The mattress remains outside the house, untouched.

TELL US: DO YOU THINK THE TWINS ARE JUST OVERREACTING? SURPRISED ELEASE AND THE OTHERS LET THE TWINS GET AWAY WITH RUINING THE MATRESS? WHO DO YOU THINK WILL BE THE NEXT GO? DO YOU THINK THE HOUSE WILL TURN ON ELEASE?

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