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On last night’s episode of Real Housewives of Orange County, Slave took the stage, in what he presumed was a hysterical commentary on Housewives in their natural habitat, including the wrath of Miss. Piggy. Who really does not deserve to be unfairly compared with a certain lady of last night’s entertainment. Miss Piggy is actually well dressed as we know!

Things begin with Tamra showing up at Vicki‘s to make breakfast. Tamra looks cute – I love her shirt. Vicki immediately launches into what’s the deal with Gretchen? Are they besties, what happened, when, and why wasn’t she informed? Vicki is disappointed Tamra never confided her new friendship and warns Tamra that’s she going to have a brown nose because it’s so far up Gretchen’s mmmm. That close up of Vicki was a little frightening, no? Thanks editors!

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Vicki thinks this new instabestieship is “odd” and wonders if it’s real or fake? Then, she starts telling Tamra about her new fun, charitable friendship with Alexis. (Vilexis? Alecki?) And Tamra wonders if that’s real or fake? Vicki’s deadpan delivery was pretty amusing – maybe she should be the one doing the stand up.

Tamra changes the subject to something even more disturbing and gives Vicki a bunch of sex toys. Good thing Heather wasn’t there! This makes Vicki’s fur rise and she claims the toys are pornographic, and not biblical. HAHA! Her bible is as contradictory as Alexis‘! Her love tank is full without relationship aids of that nature and I want to throw up on myself. Vicki claims sex toys are for people who aren’t really in love and Tamra wonders if she used them with Donn? Buuuurn!

Moving on, Alexis and Heather are grabbing a “get to know you” drink, which was pretty much like an awkward first date between two people who were set up. You could tell Heather did not really have the desire to get to know Alexis. Alexis thinks Heather is “floity-toity” and Heather thinks Alexis is a bubbly enigma; aka dumb.

They discuss Alexis‘ “career” as a news anchor; Alexis is more the Jillian Bar-Berry type than the Katie Couric one. Heather is shocked hearing about Alexis’ marriage; which consists of Alexis doing everything while Jimplant eats hard-boiled eggs and acts like a turd. Oh whoops – he’s really busy with his, like, businesses of foreclosing on homes and being evicted.

Next they rehash the party, specifically their reactions to the sex talk. Heather reiterates that she was not comfortable with the discussion and mentions she was surprised Alexis was. Alexis blames wine for her enthusiasm. Then says, “Wine is such a … double-edged sword.” (?!) Maybe her bible (aka Jim) says she’s not allowed to have wine now? These two have nothing in common.

Slave is going over his comedy routine with his mom. Oh, Liz. Love you Liz! You keep putting old Slave-y in his place! Liz is absolutely flabbergasted that Slave is considering this as a new potential career, and astutely points out this is not his calling and he is just interested in the money.

Slave tells his mom he wants to propose, and Liz reminds him that workplace romances are never a good idea. She does not like Gretchen. Really, Liz should be doing the stand up.

Amongst chat of marking his territory (ew),  Eddie asks Tamra to move in with him. Tamra wants proof of a longer term commitment, aka a ring. Eddie assures her a proposal is in his long-term plan. Tamra worries about making a mistake for a THIRD time. If he’s the love of her life what is she so worried about? I do applaud her for seriously taking the time to consider this.

Slave has decided to include housewives in the news in his act. Specifically, Tamra and VIcki and their less flattering moments! Like Tammie Sue’s cellulite or Brooks‘ deadbeatism! Slave seems to think this is karma because they apparently spend all their time combing through blogs looking for gossip about him and Gretch.

Gretchen is against it–and reasonably so–because she will be the one at odds with the women as a result of Slave‘s actions. And she’s tired of that! After years of everyone hating her, she’s finally getting along with someone besides Lex and dammit she doesn’t want Slave to eff it up!

Actually, I think her perspective was very mature; Slave was being insensitive and if he is serious about marrying Gretchen, shouldn’t he be a little more empathetic to her feelings? Slave needs to stop with this nonsense. He is not a housewife and needs to get off television and get is act together. I hate to say this but Gretchen deserves better.

Gretchen is now part of his improv show – even though she hasn’t heard Slave‘s set! Gretchen is not into it and hasn’t really prepared, but nonetheless dons a prison jumpsuit and sequined bikini. Tamra and Vicki are not invited, but Sarah is! With her illustrious pseudo-fiance. Ick. And look who has made an appearance – Jimplant! Heather and Terry arrive, and Heather’s anecdote about once doing standup, sets Alexis off about her amazing homemaking/mommy skills. Alexis wonders if the multi-talented Heather was also in circ du soleil? Actually, Alexis’ comeback was pretty hilarious, but I don’t know why she cares if Heather once had a career in entertainment. Or any career at all, for that matter!

Gretchen‘s bit about the reality stars wanting attention was amusing, but otherwise she bombed and heard about it from the show promoter. The next comedian is all set to rip her a new one, when Lex gets in her face about her Gretch being her best friend! Not for long if Trashy Sue has anything to do with it!

Slave takes the stage. Alexis seems to be the only person who finds “Housewife Hunter” amusing, yet, the real comedians elude her. She blames her children. Slave’s routine cuts a little close to home and was mean. Talk about snarky! Comparing Vicki to a bacon-wrapped hotdog is really hateful. Gretchen is not amused and neither is Heather, who wonders if she and Alexis‘ photos are next! Liz‘s facial expressions were priceless, amazing, and a delightful sight to behold.

Heather and Terry are sweet to them after the show about how difficult standup is, but Heather rates them very low on the scale of funny or not. Alexis tries to soften the blow that Slave was horrible and she is kind of on his side - Tamicki had it coming to them! Slave apparently believes he too is a newscaster and he was just delivering the information.

Tamra and Eddie are eating fondue, but Tamra doesn’t want cheese. Simon still hasn’t signed the divorce papers, despite living with another woman and it is very upsetting to Tamra’s children, who are nervous about another person joining their family. Her children’s reaction has made Tamra reconsider moving in with Eddie and being just a housewife again. She wants to get used to being by herself and gain independence financially and emotionally. Eddie is supportive and kind about her goals and aspirations. Tamra reveals they had considered having a child together, but she has since had a change of heart and wants to start a business. Good for Tamra for being honest.

Vicki and Briana go on a dinner date to discuss Briana’s health and Vicki’s relationships with Donn and Brooks. Briana moved out when she learned of the divorce. Briana has not met Brooks, although she does suspect that Vicki got herpes from him. Or someone…

Vicki starts lecturing Briana on her dating life and having sex. Briana doesn’t want to get married and end up twice divorce, and stuck with a middle-aged deadbeat loser like her mom. Well, she said she was a commitment-phobe, I added the other parts. I think Briana was hiding a secret boyfriend from Vickikins since she was married mere months later!

Briana wants Donn and Vicki to get back together. She sees Donn as her real father. Vicki says Donn made no effort to make things better and their marriage was loveless. She insists she was completely alone for years, which Briana reminds her was not exactly true. Briana is so mature and grounded. She is worried Vicki is jumping right into a another relationship to avoid being single and she is totally against the thing with Brooks, calling it “ridiculous.”

Briana is having her thyroid removed because she is still having a lot of health problems. There is still concern it may be cancer, because she now has tumors on her lymph nodes. Briana is trying to be positive despite the scary situation. I hope she is doing ok now.

Driving home, Gretchen freaks out on Slave, only after he tries to suck up to her by lying about how funny she was. Gretchen is well-aware that Vicki and Tamra will find out what Slave said, and Slave is still defending his actions; claiming he was in the right because their accusations have kept him from getting work. Gretchen wants Slave to call the “bitches” and try to make amends, as she did with Tamra. Slave is not having it!

Next Week: Tamra and Vicki find out about the Improv show and a huge blow up happens at Tamra’s eighties party – which Slave is invited, too, much to Vicki’s dismay!

Watch What Happens Live: The guests are Jackie Collins (LOVE HER!) and Ali Wentworth. Jackie loves Heather (and Tamra) and compares Alexis to a wind-up doll. Ali says it’s a “bit of a stretch” to consider Slave‘s act comedy and calls him the most hate-able character on the show. Jackie finds him physically attractive – but he needs a job first!

Ali astutely says Liz is the comedic genius in that family, and reveals that Slave‘s act was mean, which meant not funny! Andy shows a video of Jackie explaining how to be a Beverly Hills housewife to Oprah! Ali is up first for Plead The Fifth. Ali reveals Tupac was her least favorite In Living Color co-star because he shot his limo driver the night of taping. What?!

Jackie saw J.Lo at the Vanity Fair party talking to P.Diddy! Oooohhh…drama! Jackie loves Tamra and would let her play the heroine in a novel about the cast, with Alexis being the dumb, booby villain. LOVE IT! Jackie is up next on Plead The Fifth! She is really good at skirting the questions and giving nothing away!

The game is Name That Celeb-Write-Ty! Some of these celebrities are really dumb and really odd. Snooki need not ever write again. A caller asked Jackie and Ali what their tag lines would be if they were Housewives. So funny! They were pretty much the two funniest ever!

Poll Question: Who do you think will get married first: Tamra, Vicki, or Gretchen? And Tamra wins with 52%. Personally, I think she and Eddie aren’t going to last much longer – that little spiel at the restaurant on tonight’s episode seemed about one step away from a break up speech! Then again, do we really see Vicki or Gretch tying the knot with their significantly less others?

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