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Last night’s Survivor started off simple enough…the women have gained momentum, the once unified Manono are beginning to crumble. However, I never thought I would see or hear what I did. Boo to you, Colton. Boo. To. You. And to think, last week I thought we’d be biffles if I ever met you on the street. Shame on me.

The men head back to camp after sending Hairless Matt packing. The remaining Muscles can’t believe the outcasts have aligned. Tarzan and Troyzan decide Bill needs to be next, not because they don’t like him – quite the opposite! Bill is so charming he’s dangerous, potentially eroding the core alliance of five.

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On the beach, the Salanis have done a complete 180. They are happy, laughing, enjoying some Survivor-style escargot. Now, it’s the men who are getting desperate. Jonas and Troyzan hit up the ladies for some of their fishing equipment…specifically the net. Being from Hawaii, Jonas is a champion net-thrower. He offers to split his spoils even Stevens with the Salani if he is able to borrow the net for fishing. Chelsea basically tells him ‘no dice’ and Jonas proclaims he couldn’t care less. Troyzan believes the women’s emotions have “turned wacky.”

Meeting up with Jeff Probst, the competition is a big ol’ game of Connect Four Five…with the teams using a giant slingshot and coconuts to knock out five panels in a row on a giant game board. The winning tribe gets to choose from a pillow/blanket assortment, a tarp, or coffee and donuts. I think Colton and Kat have simultaneous orgasms when the donuts are revealed. It’s hard to knock out the panels enough to qualify as breaking the target. Bill sits out for the guys. The teams are pretty neck and neck, although the men are shooting coconut holes all over their board while the women have tremendous aim, getting four in a row vertically and three in a row horizontally. Colton can’t hit a panel to save his life, and Monica slings the winning coconut through the board. The women unanimously choose the tarp.

The Manono are whining about not having time to learn how to better play the coconut tic-tac-toe, and Colton declares the tribes “even” because they both have tarps. Bill thinks his team is delusional…the women didn’t just get a tarp, they gained more confidence as they continue to rack up wins against the men. Bill now sees the women as competitors, not just some chicks down the beach. Leif informs him that at the last tribal council, it was down to him and Hairless Matt, with Colton throwing Bill’s name into the mix originally. Ladies and gentlemen, Bill is wowwed. I like Bill.

Mike decides the Muscle needs to up its game, and he informs Colton that he saw Leif talking to Bill, and thinks that Lief is playing both sides of the tribe. Colton proceeds to call Leif a “munchkin” who “got kicked out of Oz.” Yes, typing it was every bit as offensive as hearing it. Shame on you, Colton. I hope you go home next. Colton decides he needs to lecture Leif on talking to Bill. Leif admits his wrongdoing, and Colton tells him he’s sealed his fate. Leif pretty much agrees it was a stupid move, on his part.

The Salani find a tree-mail puzzle, and the clue seems to infer that the tribe will be working in pairs to solve puzzles. Kat needs a smart teammate as she’s horrible at puzzles. The women decide to keep the same pairs they worked in last time, meaning Kat would be working with Alicia. Kat inadvertently calls out Alicia’s lack of puzzle skills, insulting her partner beyond measure. Sabrina mediates wonderfully. I like her too.

At the immunity challenge, Tarzan looks homeless. Jeff informs the tribes that the pairs will be tethered together to navigate a teeter totter to get to a puzzle, which will afford them a key. Once the three pairs have each completed a different puzzle to collect three keys, they must unlock three locks to raise their flag. Colton and Tarzan beat Alicia and Chelsea (I guess maybe Kat was right?) who are still on the first puzzle as Mike and Model Jay finish the second puzzle. Chelsea looks at the guy’s first puzzle to taunts of “Cheaters!” from Tarzan and the men. Finally! Bill and Troyzan are making headway on the last puzzle and finish while the ladies are working on puzzle number two. Sabrina is spending so much time watching Leif unlock the final stage of the challenge, that it is a total blowout. Alicia laughs at how poorly she did. Christina hopes that the other women will note her bad attitude and she’ll be going home at tribal council.

Back at the beach, Bill is thrilled to know he’s made it at least a bit longer. Chelsea and Sabrina discuss who should go…the women had been in agreement that Christina was next on the chopping block, but Alicia’s showing is turning the tides. At Manono’s camp, Bill approaches a very unreceptive Colton, who basically puts his fingers in his ears and yells, “I’m not listening, I’m not listening, lalalalalalalala! You’re going home next! Lalalalala! I hate you!” Colton wants to go to the girls and offer the immunity idol to send the men to tribal council to vote out Bill. Colton is calling the shots according to Jonas, but Model Jay thinks he is being too hasty.

The Zans, both Tar and Troy like Colton’s idea, but they see a target on Leif’s back, not Bill’s. Tarzan tells the girls the plan, and he scolds Leif like a puppy in front of the Manono, informing him that he will be voted out – better sooner than later. Colton is like, “A do wha? My plan was to vote off Bill!” However, he’s confident that if he can get Manono to tribal council, he can convince them to vote off Bill. In Colton’s words, if you can’t see he’s running the show, you must be Helen Keller. Again?? How flipping offensive can you be?? Colton, who I thought was a trip up until this episode, is a majorly horrible douche.

At tribal council, Jeff is shocked. It’s a first in the show’s history that a team has bestowed immunity on the other tribe. Leif pretty much throws himself on his own sword, hoping the men will see the loyalty in his humility. Model Jay tells Jeff he thinks this was a hella dumb move, but he had to agree or he’d be the next to go home. Colton spends tribal council rolling his eyes, raising his eyebrows, and doing ridiculous air quotes. He hates Bill and thinks he needs a real job…being a stand-up comic isn’t a job. Bill is on the verge of tears because Colton can’t accept him because of their different upbringings. Colton claims he doesn’t dislike Bill because he’s African-American. He may have gone to an all-white private school, but he has black people in his life…well, at least one – his housekeeper. Of course, she’s paid to be there, but she’s part of the family. She doesn’t work for free. Bill tries to defend his decision to follow his comic dreams – he can’t help that he’s poor. No worries, Colton assures everyone that he is equally hateful to white trash who have Confederate flags on their trucks and go home to their trailers. Wow.

Tarzan breaks in – why does it have to be about race? Colton isn’t a racist! He’s just a rich white kid. We have a black president for crying out loud! It isn’t that Colton doesn’t like black people, he simply doesn’t like poor people. Big difference! That is Tarzan’s major sticking point. Does he think he’s helping? Zan of the Troy variety is floored. It’s such an awkward, awful tribal council to watch. I am literally speechless. As someone who was raised in the South (I’m even proud enough to capitalize it), I am disgusted by Colton, and maybe even more by Tarzan! I have grown up seeing this kind of behavior, and it never gets any less repulsive. The thing is, what Tarzan was saying is true - people shouldn’t be judged on their skin color, but rather their merits and contributions. However, when you spit those words out with such venom, as I perceive he did, you are nothing but a racist trying to hide behind slick words. Gag. It may take me a while to get down off this soapbox, but I’ll quit typing to spare you any more ranting. :)

Oh, did I mention that Bill was the one voted out of the tribe? Yeah. Next week, Colton is still the ringleader with Jonas proclaiming to be his “bitch” if that’s what it will take to stay in the game. However, a twist seems to knock Colton off his pedestal. In his closing remarks, my main-man Bill concedes that it is what it is…he knew he was next to go regardless. He maintains that he hopes Colton will change his tune. Bill says–and I think he is truly genuine with his words–that Colton hates him because of their differences, while Bill embraces Colton for the same reason. #fanfavoritebill?who’swithme?

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF LAST NIGHT’S EPISODE? ARE YOU AS DISGUSTED WITH COLTON AS I AM? WHAT ABOUT TARZAN? ARE THE MANONO UNRAVELING? I’M STILL REELING–NO WORDS!

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