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On last night’s Survivor, Colton continued to play puppet master. The tribes divided, and one was a lot more stacked than the other…I’m just sayin’. Colton has his new tribe eating out of the palm of his uncalloused, manicured hand, and I want to reach through my screen and pluck one of his eyebrows more than the other so they’d look uneven. That’s true retaliation, let me tell you.

The Salani awake after not having to attend tribal council. They can’t believe that the men of Manono are such a mess. The women hope that the merge is impending, as they are now seven strong against the men’s crumbling brood. Jeff Probst invites the teams to the reward challenge and calls for a tribe switch. Colton looks like someone just yanked his favorite silver spoon right out of his mouth! The new teams will be chosen at random. Each player will receive an egg. Jeff will count down to when everyone can smash their egg against their chest. The color of the yolk will determine the new tribes. The blues are Salani while the orange is Manono. I will say, it seems the blue team got the best of both. It will be fun watching Colton and Alicia vie for attention on the new orange team.

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For the reward challenge, four teammates will fill a giant bucket of water, plugging the multiple holes in said bucket on their way back to the main container. The first tribe to fill their container with enough weight to raise their flag, wins a great reward–PB&J sandwiches and coffee–and the beach shelters. The losing tribe will be moved to another section of sand where they must rebuild their shelter from scratch. The orange team is rushing, causing Monica to fall twice, losing a fair amount of water. The Salani is slow and steady. The new Manono’s container starts to tilt, but there isn’t enough weight to raise the flag. The Salani takes the win! Colton describes his team as a bunch of peasants who are competing against Greek gods. When his teammates take offense, he rephrased his words with the much more politically correct “village people.” Jeff does tell the tribes that they will split the fishing gear, but other than that, Manono is pretty screwed.

The new Salani is a power team: Sabrina, Chelsea, Troyzan, Model Jay, Michael, and, well, Kat. There is clearly another person, but I will have to figure out who it is as the episode continues. Sabrina is thrilled that the majority of her alliance remained intact. Colton is livid. Not only is he on a team with the weaklings, he’s on a team with people he wouldn’t really want to hang out with in his normal life…ie, everyone. He and Alicia’s negativity automatically bonds them. Further bonding them? Stringing along Christina who was worried she’d be the one to go last tribal council before the men fell on their nasty, racist swords.

Not only do the Salani have bread, peanut butter, and jelly….they now have crabs and wild fowl. The seventh Salani is the blonde chick who isn’t Kat. I kind of wish Monica had made this team…she’s on a sinking ship for sure. The blonde that’s not Kat fills in Model Jay and Troyzan on the women’s backgrounds. KIM! Her name is Kim. And she hopes to get in good with newbies so she’s safe either way. Colton approaches Alicia about getting rid of Christina. She couldn’t disagree more. She wants to keep as many women around as possible. Jonas calls out Colton for bonding more with the women while the men are doing work. Not shockingly, Colton tries to portray himself as the fourth girl, but he assures Jonas that his loyalty is with the dudes.

Kim knows Sabrina has previously found the former Manono idol and bestowed it upon Colton. She also realizes that their original Salani idol is still up for grabs and finds it after a long search. She shares her information with Chelsea. Back at Manono, Monica traps a chicken, and it quickly gets away. Colton can’t believe how much his tribemates suck at Survivor. Um, did he just catch a chicken? Colton convinces Alicia that Monica is their biggest threat and needs to go. Yeah, because they don’t need someone who can catch chickens…Colton is happy eating sand. He loves the power he feels comes with “running the show.”

The immunity challenge is basically rudimentary three-on-three basketball played waist deep in the surf. The first round is men versus men. Good luck with this game, Colton! He’s gotten water in his eyes and isn’t the Michael Jordan he thought he’d be. Salani scores the first basket. The next round it two women and a man versus the same. Monica needs to be drafted for the WNBA, while Lief has a near miss. The Salani score again, with only one more basket needed for immunity. The third round is women versus women. The Manono may have a chance to stay in the game with Monica’s mad skills. She shoots, she scores! It’s back to an all men game with Colton–amazingly–reaching the ball first. Colton misses his long shot, and Salani, after some slippery shots, wins immunity. Perhaps, they’ll give up immunity to the Manono. Oh wait…they’re not stupid.

Back at camp, Monica is quick to remind her tribe that she was the only one from her team to score a basket. Alicia announces that the viewers will see an Oscar worthy performance from both Colton and herself for the greatest blindside…bu-bye Monica! Alicia doesn’t want to risk Monica learning of their plan, so she convinces Christina that Tarzan is the target. Christina is on board and shares the news with Jonas, who agrees with her. Little does Christina know that Colton has already spoken with Jonas about voting off Christina, and he’s willing to do anything to stick around another week. Monica thinks she’s making alliances left and right, and she’s a tad shocked that the men are so quick to vote off one another. Because of the Lief/Bill debacle, Jonas lets Lief think that Tarzan needs to go. Colton is kind enough to fill Tarzan and Lief in on the master plan to oust Monica. I DID NOT need to see Tarzan in a banana hammock. Colton is stressed out being the evil genius in a group of dumba$$es. It’s hard, y’all!

At tribal council, Monica waxes poetic about the teamwork of the new Manono. Colton touts her as a great player who is needed by the group. Alicia agrees, but she concedes that she is a threat. That statement opens a big ol’ can of worms. Lief declares her the most hardworking woman he’s ever seen. Tarzan kind of speaks in code. A do what? Colton is dying laughing at how “stupid” his team is. It becomes clear to everyone that no one knows Tarzan is actually an accomplished plastic surgeon. And he’s not telling, as “the game is afoot.” He also suffers from “I don’t know your name” syndrome. Uh oh. Colton is worried that Tarzan won’t remember Monica’s name for the vote.

Pack your bags, Monica! She is floored, but maybe not as much as a confused Christina who realizes she’s been played. Monica realizes that she was outwitted by the douchiest of players thus far…Colton. Okay, so maybe I added the “douchiest” part.

Next week, Colton’s bullying hones in on Christina, with Alicia as his sidekick. An unknown player is down and taken off on a stretcher.

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF LAST NIGHT’S EPISODE? COMMENTS ON THE NEW TRIBES? SHOULD MANONO HAVE VOTED OFF MONICA? DOES COLTON NEED A HAIRLESS CAT A’LA DR. EVIL TO HOLD IN HIS LAP AT ALL TIMES? WHO DO YOU THINK IS THE MAN DOWN NEXT WEEK?

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