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Well, well, well… Alexis Bellino and Gretchen Rossi have officially broken the Blomb Squad (that’s dumb and blonde). Last night on the Real Housewives of Orange County the rain continued to pour in the jungle as Alexis found herself in the middle of an onslaught. And poor Gretchen got cast aside as Lex’s resident BFF after Alexis determined that she too was involved in the attacks. Oh, the politics of being a Housewife.

We continue where left off with the face-off round the dinner table. The rain makes me think that all of Costa Mexico is crying on Alexis‘ behalf. Alexis reminds Tamra Barney that though she may believe she’s perfect, being a mean hateful bitch makes her flawed too. Alexis suggests Tammie Sue work on her own issues before pointing fingers her way. Like Alexis or not, she has a good point.

Alexis snipes that just because Tamra got her implants taken out doesn’t mean she’s real. Touche. And Vicki Gunvalson pipes up to remind us that all of them are fake as designers imposters perfume and that all these ladies are materialistic – that’s why they’re rocking LV and Chanel in the jungle. Alexis accuses Tamra of badmouthing her which is why Terry thought she was fake – Tamra denies it. Sadly, it was actually Gretchen who was badmouthing Alexis behind her back to Terry.

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Heather Dubrow is confused about why Terry is at the center of the argument and thinks Alexis is missing the point. This “intervention” is about how Alexis is an inauthentic person – not how she is two-faced, as well as hypocritical –  and all of her co-stars are as well.

Gretchen pipes up to play therapist and instructs everyone to start using “I feel” statements. She starts, “I feel like like Alexis is phony and materialistic.” Then Heather and Tamra rush around the table to try and hug it out with a bawling Lex. Alexis stands up, says she needs a minute, and leaves the table.

While Alexis is bawling in the bushes, everyone gets to the important task of eating – and complaining about how Alexis just doesn’t get it and at least they tried. Heather and Tamra are heaping it on Gretchen that she was being a good friend. Gretchen is concerned that she can’t be honest with Alexis.

It’s decided that someone needs to make sure Alexis isn’t huddled in the bushes, rocking back and forth, and chugging moscato – so they delegate Gretchen to be the ambassador of blondes and check on her. Gretchen begrudgingly goes. Gretch knocks on the door and Lex refuses to let her in, saying she needs to be alone.

Gretch forces her way in under the pretense of wanting to give a friend a hug – and then ODDLY she starts saying how hard this is for her! Wait – for her? Alexis is like, ‘Um, no… I just got attacked while you sat there and did nothing. Get out bitch.’ Gretchen comes back to the table and is furious that she was thrown out of Lex’s room. They’re, like, supposed to be besties – Gretch N Lex 4 Eva, right? How dare Alexis not want her insincere consoling.

Vicki decides she’ll go have a chat with Alexis, cause she really, really likes her now. Right, Tamra? Vicki pretty much barges in and much like Gretch starts talking about herself. Vicki reminds Alexis she was attacked too and it’s hard, cause she’s kinda chubby and has bad skin, but Alexis at least is beautiful and has an amazing figure. Oh if only Vicki could look like Lex – she wouldn’t be stuck with Brooks… Poor Alexis – all she wants to do is be alone and everyone keeps coming to bother her with their own issues.

Vicki returns, feeling triumphant, and practically throws it in Gretchen‘s face. Gretchen is pretty much unhinged. She just cannot believe she was banned from the pity-party, apology squad. She like cannot get over it. Really, let it go. Personally, I think Gretchen knew she was in the wrong in how she handled the situation when Alexis was being confronted and she was hoping she could soothe things over by comforting Alexis in her room, but Lex saw through her and now Gretchen is feeling guilty.

The next day, Alexis is still mucho depressed. Luckily she was able to pull it together and throw on her skimpiest outfit. Could those shorts GET any shorter? Heather comes to Alexis’ room for a private moment of apology. Heather admits that maybe they were a little harsh, and she too is not perfect if you can imagine Mrs. Richie Rich queen pristine having any flaws other than those cheek implants.

The girls are all headed for the beach for the day. In the car it’s pretty awkward and Alexis very pointedly thanks Vicki for her help last night. Gretchen pretty much had an aneurism right there in the tourism van. Her head like blew up and all that remained was that stupid faux flower she insists on sporting like it’s 2002 and we’re on Sex And The City.

OK, so I kinda feel bad for Gretchen – she’s in between a rock and a hard place. Sure, Alexis is her friend, but she does talk a big game when she’s small potatoes. I’ve had friends like that – it’s grating – especially when you’re well aware they’re living a delusion. I can tell it’s been bothering her for a long time but she didn’t necessarily have the tenacity to bring it up. BUT Gretchen has been talking ish about Alexis behind her back all season, which is lame.

At the beach things are going well and everyone seems relaxed. Alexis pulls Gretchen aside for a chat. Which really ends up being an argument. Alexis is really hurt that Gretchen joined in on ganging up against her. Gretchen thinks she did defend Alexis and had a right to say her piece. Alexis is confused about why no one is staging an intervention for Heather who is carrying a Chanel bag at the beach. Duh – that’s like materialistic, right? Clearly the words of last night did not sink in… the hair bleach has really eaten her brain.

Gretchen is annoyed about not being allowed into Alexis‘ room when Vicki was – she claims it hurt her feelings. They go back and forth over Gretchen’s comments about the situation being hurtful to her. Gretchen claims she meant it was hard for her to see Alexis hurt.

They agree to make amends, but not really. And this is the great unraveling of Gretch N Lex. Le sigh. Alexis is leaving early and everyone is relieved that awkward situation is over. Alexis announces that she will never be returning to Costa Mexico. I’m sure the tourism board is so upset…

Tamra decides to break the mood by pulling off Gretchen‘s shorts and half of her bikini bottom. The she launches on Vicki - and luckily we didn’t get any indecent exposure moments. Heather is appalled and runs for the cover of the beach blankets. For some odd reason, Tamra and Gretchen launch into some tacky, porny, Girls Gone Wild routine where they are rubbing butts together and showing each other their boobs. I don’t know what was going on, but I had to overt my eyes.

Poor Heather – I was loving her beach attire. Too bad it was besmirched by over-the-hill Girls Gone Gross as Tamretchen hump Heather’s head and rub their butts on her. The ladies are distracted from rompusing in the near nude by monkeys who have arrived to steal their bananas. Gretchen coaxes one over by offering a banana and the little guy grabs it and runs away. Then there were dozens of monkeys. They must of gotten the memo that these ladies were destroying their beach and decided to scare them off.

Ahhh… the monkeys they were the best part of this cast – that’s when you know you have a problem (ahem… Andy Cohen). They were cute and fun to look at and none of them were behaving like backstabbing high schoolers. Note To Bravo: Replace cast with monkeys.

The ladies visit a national forest and everyone is still relieved that Alexis has left. The mood is just so much lighter! Heather has changed into cocktail attire and everyone else is in shorts. The plant trees in the jungle. Each tree has a different meaning. Vicki is the only person who thinks they should plant one on Alexis’ behalf.

And then suddenly Vicki starts wailing in the jungle about how they’ll all be dead and she’s so depressed. She’s crying so hard she broke Alexis‘ tree. Everyone is like what the eff – this is supposed to be fun and you’re having a nervy b over some foliage? Vicki has some serious ugly cry face!

So that was weird. Then they hit river rafting. Heather makes a pointed dig that she too is leaving early, but attending all the activities. For some odd reason they are all freaking out about rafting. There’s a 30 minute negotiation to even get in the raft. Then we are subjected to 10 minutes of just non-stop screaming as they go down river. I felt like I was at a Justin Bieber concert with those sound effects. Sadly, no one went overboard. We never get any real excitement on these shows.

Heather bails out following the near death experience, although I’m pretty sure her ear drums are permanently scarred from sitting next to Vicki. Deliverance, anyone? Vicki, Gretchen, and Tamra grab lunch – and shockingly bond.

Things start out silly, with Tamra and Gretchen jokingly rubbing their friendship in Vicki‘s face. Then Tamra grabs Vicki’s boob for fun – until Vicki threatens her by announcing she’s not wearing a bra. Strangely Vicki gets emotional and starts talking about marriage and her relationship to Brooks.

Tamra is concerned that Brooks is too controlling – particularly after all the things Vicki said about her relationship with Simon. And then Vicki starts to miss Donn. She laments that he liked her cooking and appreciated her, but she was never home. She also comments that if Donn wanted their marriage to work she would still be there  - even though she filed divorce papers.

Gretchen, proving that she’s been going to counseling to deal with her own relationship issues, is giving some good advice about how important it is to be happy and not live with regret. Then Vicki launches into a diatribe about Briana. I’ve never seen Vicki behave so emotionally raw – Tamra is right, she’s on emotion overload and she needs to take a break from Brooks and reality TV.

Next week: Tamra heads to Bora, Bora where it looks like Eddie proposes, Gretchen and Slade have a major fight about his clinginess. And she calls him out on being a loser!

TELL US – WAS GRETCHEN OVER-REACTING TO ALEXIS’ REQUEST FOR PRIVACY? WAS GRETCHEN BEING A BAD FRIEND TO ALEXIS OR DOES ALEXIS NEED TO HEAR THE TRUTH?

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