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Don’t Be Tardy for the Wedding…oh oh oh ohhhh!  It’s time for the much anticipated Zolciak-Biermann nuptials. Can you hear the wedding bells?  They’re auto-tuned!

There is a lot of construction and place settings happening at Kendra Davis‘ abode.  A trailer filled with high-end porta-potties pulls into the driveway.  Kim forgoes the regular conversation with KJ, just singing to him while he’s held by an assistant and praying he won’t be fussy for her ceremony.  Kroy and the couple’s officiant (and former Kroy teammate) Koy decide to imbibe a few beers.  Kroy thinks this wedding is a gift from God, therefore, he isn’t the least bit nervous.

Kim wants to sent him a voice message professing her love.  Kroy’s mom and sister are getting their make-up did done.  His mom is trying to convince everyone about how young her skin looks.  Kim’s mom enters stage wasted and finds Sheree Whitfield getting the full make-up/hair treatment.  Mama Zolciak is jealous.  Sheree seems to have popped some Xanax before being filmed…perhaps she’s dealing with some RHOA withdrawals.

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Kim’s father admits that Kroy isn’t quite the prince he envisioned his successful, young, gold-digging daughter marrying.  Okay, maybe I exaggerated two of the three descriptions.  Kroy is dressed in a swanky dinner jacket and getting flack from his family and friends.  They didn’t expect to see him looking so fancy.  Kroy gives Koy the rings, while Kim’s assistant/MOH Sweetie Niki is running around like a chicken missing its head.  Kroy hears Kim’s heartfelt message and melts onto a Kendra Davis original ottoman.  He’s so excited.  And he’s going to have to pay for that.

Guests are arriving via golf cart.  Perez Hilton arrives wearing Paddington Bear’s cast-off jacket.  Up in the staging area, Kim’s mom is frantically trying to find shoes.  Shun’s assistant neglected to get her rhinestone pumps in her size.  Kim is appalled.  How dare her mother go shoe shopping in her closet mere minutes before her wedding!  Whose day is this anyway?

Kim’s psychic arrives in a luscious mink.  Someone call PETA!  Kim can’t worry about her mother trying to hijack her day.  Her minions find some beaded pumps that her mother finds acceptable.  Poor KJ is forced into a dinner jacket and suit, complete with uncomfortable Gucci shoes.  His hair is very slick…or perhaps that’s how it always is.  I’ve never seen the kid without a skull cap.  As Kim dons outfit number one, her nerves start to kick in and she’s getting anxious.  Brielle storms the bridal arena to inform her mother that helicopters are swarming the property.  Kim is upset at first–gosh, those copters are loud!–but she resigns herself to believing that swarming aerial shots mean that she’s clearly someone of importance.  Or it’s Bravo…getting aerial shots.  Thank you so much for that insight, Tamara Tattles!

The guests gather in Kendra’s backyard, while Kim brushes her teeth to avoid dragon breath.  Is she wearing three wigs?  Kroy is practicing his breathing in the kitchen while trying to promote Coca-Cola.  With two minutes left until the ceremony begins, Colin Cowie is laying the smackdown.  Bless him.  He had no clue what he was agreeing to when he signed that Bravo contract.  Kim is confused as to why she needs to switch her engagement ring to her right hand.  Tradition, smadition.  As far as I know, and I could easily be wrong (I often am), but the band that symbolizes the bond of marriage is supposed to be closest to one’s heart, ie, not on top of the engagement ring.  Can we get Emily Post to do a quick conference call with Kim?  #lostcauses

Kim’s father and his mustache arrive to walk Kim down the aisle.  Kim is freaked out by the amount of Bravo cameras paparazzi that want to capture her vows.  The wedding party walks down the aisle.  I am happy to see Kroy cradling a well-behaved KJ…in a skull cap.  Full circle.  Colin coaxes Kim onto the aisle.  She’s looking fierce in her three wigs and bedazzled bosom bustier.

Okay, I’ll stop snarking.  Kroy, ex-bridesmaid Jen, and stylist Shun can’t hold back their tears as Kim makes her way down the aisle.  It’s clear beyond question that Kroy is madly in love with Kim.  I won’t ask why.  Phaedra, Apollo, and Patti Stanger, try to focus on the ceremony despite the 1970′s war movie vibe brought on by the helicopters.  The officiant Koy makes reference to Kim’s booty pants as a selling point for Kroy when finding his kindred spirit.  Did he really just say that?

Koy breaks down the meaning of the pair’s wedding date, 11-11-11.  The parents of the bride and groom bless the couple.  Kroy kisses Kim’s ring (aww!) before placing it on her hand.  He is crying while reading the very beautiful vows he has written.  Does Kroy have a brother?  Kidding!  I can’t compete with Kim as a sister-in-law.  Kim blinks back mascara tears, while she delivers her equally touching vows.  Damn.  I totally thought Kim would have actually written her vows so I could make fun of how dumb they sounded…but they were really sweet.

Please, someone, ANYONE, tell me why I am getting teary at Kim Z’s wedding.  This wasn’t the plan.  I love Kroy for bringing Brielle and Ariana up to the alter so he could oh so sweetly and eloquently tell them that he loves being a part of their lives.  Where did he come from?  Kim is overwhelmed.  Ariana is so excited to have a father figure.  Brielle clearly likes Kroy, but she’s ready for the reception.  Minus Kim’s cupcake-esque dress, the entire thing was really pretty and sweet…and y’all know I’m cynical.

The reception is full swing when Colin introduces the couple’s first dance.  I really, really like Kim tonight.  Perhaps I should put down the wine.  It’s a really touching time.  The bride and groom leave to change into their costumes for Act II, while Kim’s RHOA co-stars Phaedra Parks and Kandi Burrus revel in the ceremony.  Kim changes into dress two and reveals her body paint Falcons situation to her new husband.  He’s floored.  Really?

Kim and her father Joe share their first dance.  Kim is beyond thrilled that her folks are present to share in her special day.  Kroy then dances with his mother who tries to convince herself  that she’s happy for her son.  I could swear his moms says, “We’ll love her too.”  As in future tense.  But not now.  I could be very wrong.  Again, it wouldn’t be the first time.

Brielle gives a very well-spoken and touching toast.  Kim’s clearly done something right with her girls.  Her daughters are stand-up adolescents.  Patti and Kandi are breaking it down on the dance floor.  Kim’s dad is reveling in the lovely ladies who are present at his daughter’s wedding.  Kim’s aunt, however, just wants to use a real bathroom, not a porta-potty.  Kim’s mom and aunt proceed to get into a semi-altercation with the security guard manning the door into the house.  Kim’s mom doesn’t think her sister should have to do her business outside.  The security guard begs for mercy that the women allow him to go ask Kim for guidance.

By the time the security guard’s words get to Kim, all Kim hears is that her mom is going to burn down the house.  To be fair, Kim’s mom only said she was going to BRING down the house, but semantics…what can you do?  When Kroy informs Kim’s mom that no one…not even his family who has no clue what a porta-potty is…can use the inside restrooms, Kim’s mom gives him the big eff-bomb.  While Kim’s been relatively drama-free tonight, I can see where she may come by her personality honestly.

Kim’s mom and aunt are able to sneak by mountains of security to find a non-portable restroom.  Kim’s mom and aunt dub Kim as an ungrateful b*tch.  Kroy busts in on their pity pee party, saying if the two wake up his son, he will make sure they leave.  KJ starts crying, so Kroy makes sure that they leave the house immediately.  On the dance floor, Kim’s mom can’t believe how rude her daughter and son-in-law are being…did they call the police?  Kim’s mother is trying to stir up as much drama as possible among the guests.  Is is just me (and I don’t use porta-potties as a rule), but was Kim’s mom totally wrong?  I tend to think so!

Kim’s dad offers to escort his wife stage left after a heartfelt conversation with his daughter.  Lots of the older guests (aka Kim’s mom’s friends) are wondering what kind of daughter would have her mother taken from her reception.  Security and police pretty much escort Kim’s mother out while Kim and Kroy cut their cake.  Bravo sure knows how to bring it!

Once Kim’s parents are safely off the premises, Kandi sings (for free) at the reception.  She sings her song “Fly Above” after equating it to Kim and Kroy’s love story.  Wait, wasn’t this the song she wrote after her ex-fiance was killed?  Pan to Kim’s parents hopping on the golf cart to be escorted off the property.  Awkward!  Kroy is in awe of his groomsman cake, but he can’t be excited for long, as Kim needs to indulge in her third wardrobe change.

Kim puts on the tackiest jumpsuit I’ve ever seen (of course, tacky and jumpsuit are synonymous in my world), but I”m happy to see her enjoying the remainder of her night.  I need to apologize…when I did the preview, I kept touting the TWO-hour finale.  It was only one hour.  And thank God.  But didn’t it feel like two?

WHAT DID YOU THINK OF THE WEDDING AND RECEPTION?  SHOULD KIM’S MOM HAVE BEEN ESCORTED OUT OF THE RECEPTION?

[Photo Credit: Bravo]

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