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Therapy Schmerapy, eh. Teresa Giudice and Joe G-to-the-Orga are clearly beyond help. Existing in a world where all versions of rationale just slip in one ear and right out the other. As Teresa so aptly put it, “I don’t store things in my brain.” Clearly.

Last night on Real Housewives of New Jersey, the siblings from hell attempted to see a therapist to mend their fractured relationship. I guess they don’t understand that it takes way more than one hour-long appointment to patch things up, but Bravo doesn’t have the time to be airing all that. We would be watching RHONJ season 35 if that be the case.

Now I’m no Teresa hater, I find her tolerable and she has redeeming qualities; one of which is her eternal optimism and goofball nature. I don’t know how the Gorgadice families got into this mess that has come to dominate my television and yours for the last two years, and frankly I think both Teresa and Joe, of the salmon colored button-down, told versions of the truth that make sense.

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I also have to say that therapist is the hardest working man in show bizz and it’s a good thing he has drugs at his disposal. Whaddya wanna bet as soon as those two left his office he grabbed a beer and thanked Jesus for his own only marginally insane family. Sheesh!

Teresa said if this doesn’t work she wants a refund…

Before we get to all that, Teresa is at her house building some sort of marble garage palace with an apartment and a gilded closet and lord only knows what. Jacqueline Laurita seems to think Teresa will be stashing her parents in there so they can continue their indentured servitude. I don’t care about any of that, because I was too distracted by the Giudice girls all dressed up in matching construction outfits like fairy cement mixers at the disposal of a demented overlord, aka Joe Giudice. Isn’t he supposed to be in jail or something?

Then Rosie shows up. Is she a Housewife now? I get tired of the tertiary characters dominating the show  - even if I like them. Teresa is “shawked” and Rosie starts lecturing her on how the tabloid crap needs to stop. Teresa doesn’t even remember what gets printed. Except when it’s about her. Teresa claims everyone is also tawkin bout her in the tabloids – which is true – and she doesn’t believe everything she reads. Is In Touch Weekly getting a cut from Bravo?

Then she and Rosie talk childhood. Teresa remembers a time when she idolized Rosie, Rosie remembers a time when Teresa was annoying, Teresa remembers a time when she wanted to be papergirl like Rosie, Rosie remembers a time when Teresa annoyed her and she made herself scarce, Teresa remembers a time when Kathy Wakile was mean to Rosie and didn’t accept her because being gay was bad. Rosie doesn’t disagree – until Twitter last night when that was all kindsa wrong and never happened. Frankly, who knows – all sisters treat each other like crap. Isn’t that called life?

Rosie hustles over to Kathy‘s where the Wakiles are hanging out with the Gorgas and complaining about Teresa. New storyline please! If your life isn’t interesting enough to warrant a storyline that isn’t complaining about another Housewife, you don’t belong on this show.

Anyway, Rosie is upset that Teresa talked some ish, and everyone gets all up in arms. Joey is glad they’re going to therapy. Even though HE is an “Angel of God” and doesn’t need help, Teresa is the devil and yeah- she needs a lot of help. Melissa Gorga sits there, smiling vaguely, imagining herself in heaven with a halo on because she is an Angel from God’s wife and Teresa has been her testament of good faith. Well, she probably believes that anyway. I think they’re all a few sequins short of a figure skating costume.

There’s a lot of focus this episode on how Teresa once considered Caroline Manzo and Jacqueline family and how that is no more. Her “real family” seems pretty happy that is the case. Really aren’t good friends always like family or do I live in a parallel universe?

Meanwhile, Jacqueline has some serious concerns about Teresa and co. attending the BLK Water trip to Napa. They’re making wine too? Who isn’t making wine? Is this like the new profession for reality stars everywhere – except they confuse making wine with tasting wine and slapping a low-budget label on it.

So yeah, no one likes Teresa, least of all Jacqueline who feels their friendship is over and Caroline who is gleeful that she finally took down Teresa. So, I bet a $100 they’re all going to Napa fueled by the mighty hand of Bravo. Not that producers manipulate the storyline or anything.

Also happening: Albie has a new girlfriend. Lindsay is her name and Lauren isn’t jealous cause Lindsay is a cheerleader and thin and pretty. She’ll just continue bawling over her tomato salad and complaining about being fat while molesting a cheese plate with her eyes. Hey guys – did you get the memo that Lauren is fat and sad? I didn’t!

Lauren says she’s not Teresa and, like, obsessed with her brothers – she just never spends anytime away from them and she’s totally possessive and wary of anyone they date. Right…

Meanwhile Kathy is having Sunday family dinner. Sunday dinners are a big thing in Italian families. I swear Kathy mentioned she was one of five siblings – so where are the other three? Probably not speaking.

Kathy‘s mom, Nonni, is there and she is adorable. Rosie lives with their mom and Kathy feels Rosie needs to date someone and move out. I agree… she’s getting a little eau de Manzo spawn. Mama don’t need to do your laundry when you’re 4o-ish. Kathy wants to go to a gay bar with Rosie to help her pick up chicks and figure out who her type is.

Kathy has never been to a gay bar but she’s excited and supportive. She says Richie loves gay bars because he likes the music. Donna Summer is his jam? And I want a video of him shaking his ass to Cher or Scissor Sisters. Please make that happen, Bravo.

Over dinner, Nonni tells a story about why it is important to love and accept each other. When she was a very young girl she was sent to live with her childless aunt and didn’t remember her mother or siblings. Growing up she barely knew them. It took her until she had children to understand how important it was to form a relationship with your family and love them fully. That broke my heart.

Kathy believes what is going on with Teresa and Joey has spiraled out of control. Ya think? “Your pride becomes bigger than the fight,” she muses. I completely agree.

Back at Jacqueline’s we learn Ashlee has a new tattoo of some bar. She also has a nose job, lip injections, and the worst dye job in the history of the free world – all in an effort to move to LA, fit in and be someone. Caroline, whose spawn are the most perfect specimens who have ever lived, snipes that Ashlee is altering her appearance to avoid looking like her mother. If Ashlee is getting lip injects to NOT look like Jacq she isn’t succeeding.

So, Teresa and Joey head to therapy. Joey wore his best salmon colored button-up for the occasion. Magic Mike you are not worthy. Who let him out of the house in that shirt? You’re dropping the ball, Melissa!

Joe is nervous about the whole experience and calls his wife for some support. She encourages him. Teresa seeks advice from her children, all aged 11 and under, about what to do over “lunch” with Tio Joe. She doesn’t want to tell them it’s therapy because that’s embarrassing and they don’t know what it is. But it’s going to be on national TV.

The therapist, Dr. Michael (who was recently canonized for reality TV sainthood), announces he will talk to each one separately and then together.

Back at Jacqueline‘s her father is there to give her advice on Teresa. He seems like a sane and levelheaded man. How is he the father of Jacqueline? They grab beers – Jacs totally has the lush edit this season. Is Bravo trying to tell us something? Jacq’s dad says that Teresa is very focused on looking out for her immediate family and may just not have time and energy to expend on the other things. I think that is a very honest assessment of the situation.

Jacqueline is still hurt that with all her Ashlee issues which have been going on for three seasons, Teresa hasn’t bee there for her. It’s sad, but like her dad said, sometimes friendships drift apart. So there you have it – the Manzos, the Lauritas, and the Giudices are no longer “like family”.

Back in therapy, Teresa is telling her side of things to Dr. Michael. She’s not a grudge holder. <<eye roll>> When Joe was dating Melissa; Teresa tried to reach out to her but it was never reciprocated. Teresa believes the issues started when she was pregnant with her third daughter and Melissa was pregnant with her first. Teresa didn’t have the time and energy to devote to Antonia.

Dr. Michael looked like he was ready to jump out the window the entire time. I think he needs therapy now. I swear that was a pop-up office because he didn’t want them to know where he really worked.

RosieKathy, and this Heather Robinson person head to a gay bar. Heather discloses that she’s kissed a girl once because Katy Perry told her boys like it. Everyone starts fawning all over Heather because she’s the hottest woman that ever lived. She tries too hard and Kathy’s sucking up is too much. Kathy tries to determine Rosie’s “type.” Which means Rosie runs up to random women and starts rubbing on them while she’s drunk. Said random woman looked like a deer in headlights.

Back to therapy…

In listening to both siblings tell their story, it seemed like Teresa went into it with more of an open-mind and less judgement. Now that could have been the edit. But, to me, it seemed like she wasn’t blaming so much as she was describing her side and where she thought things went wrong.

When Joey told his story it was immediately ’Teresa hates my wife and abandoned/ignored my daughter when she was born and didn’t love her as much as her own children.’ Again, just my assessment – slay me in the comments if you want to.

Joey seems to believe Teresa was always cruel to Melissa – maybe she was – and once Antonia was born Teresa wasn’t interested in their child. Now, I tend to think Teresa has a point. She had THREE small children when Joe’s daughter was born; that’s a lot of work and she probably was just overwhelmed and incredibly busy.

In therapy together Dr. Michael tells the siblings to focus on the positive and forget the past. His assessment of Teresa and Joe is dead-on – especially when he described Teresa’s emotional style. I bet his wife watches the show.

He warns them it will be work and he wants them to start with Sunday dinners. Teresa interprets that as “Share an RV to Napa.” Dr. Michael spells it out: “Do NOT share the RV and then add wine to the mix.”  Teresa is adamant – they won’t fight, right?! Joe agrees. Delusional thinking is a major sign of mental illness.

After the session they go into the lobby and immediately start arguing over who’s at fault for the issues and about the latest tabloid story about Teresa‘s parents being locked away in her garage.

It’s back and forth, back and forth. Then they start bickering about each other’s financial situation. Teresa tells him to buy her parents a house cause he’s doing ok and he calls her out on having an expensive purse. Then they slay each other in the talking heads. I actually think the back and forth is their communication style. Although they do sound like an old married couple. #BeyondHelp.

Speaking of Teresa‘s newest talking head ensemble. WHOA! WHOA! The feather capped sleeves, the harness, the drag queen wig?! The blood red lipstick. WHOA?! Did anyone else do a double-take and rewind. Is Teresa auditioning for RuPaul’s Drag Race? That was priceless and the single best moment of the show. Thanks for that Teresa.

Also, awesome: Rosie‘s First Communion story and photo.

[All Photo Credits: Bravo]

THOUGHTS ON THE THERAPY SESSION? WHOSE SIDE DO YOU BELIEVE? 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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