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This week on the Bachelorette, Emily Maynard visits the hometowns of the final four suckers for a pretty blonde – Chris Bukowski, Jef Holm, Arie Luyendyk, Jr., and Sean Lowe.  Matching the rest of the season, it’s one of the most uneventful hometown episodes ever.  There are the standard meets and greets, uneaten dinners, one-on-one grilling sessions, and claims of love.  Emily’s conversations mostly fall flat, as she’s seriously lacking personality.  Yet, as always, the families are completely willing to accept Emily into their lives after spending just two hours with her.

Before she begins the visits, Emily heads home to Charlotte to see Ricki.  While she’s there, she thinks about the final four men.  According to Emily:

Chris is sweet and open. Jef has the edge that Emily looks for in a guy, and she feels comfortable with him. Emily felt an immediate connection with Arie.  He brings fun and excitement into her life.  (And he’s a really good kisser.)  Sean makes Emily feel safe. Sean is “perfect.”

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Chris in Chicago

Emily and Chris share a rather cold reunion.  Chris gets a peck and a “what’s going on?”  Chris tells Emily just how Polish his family is. “I’m first generation Polish-American,” he explains. “Everyone in my family is fluent in Polish. On a scale of 1 to Polish, we’re Polish.” Emily brings up how sad Chris was at the last rose ceremony.  He ponders this.  Apparently, he didn’t realize he was visibly upset, which is ridiculous.  He was shaking like an addict going through withdrawal.

Chris introduces his family.  Dad John will be easy. Mom Rose (rose… isn’t that cute?) will be overly emotional but nurturing. Emily pegs Chris as a mama’s boy. Older sister Renee will be the tough one.  The other sister, Theresa, might as well not even be there. John pulls Emily aside for a chat. Emily asks him if Chris is ready to assume the father role. He says Chris will love and support Emily and “do his best” as a step-dad. Not exactly a glowing recommendation.

Chris tells his mom that he can see himself with Emily.  She tells him to get his ass in there and not waste any time.  Sister Renee can see the writing on the wall, though.  She tells Emily to let Chris go sooner rather than later, if he isn’t the one.

Chris tells Emily he loves her, and then he kisses her. There’s a big Polka party happening in the backyard for the blessed occasion.

Jef in Utah

Emily’s reaction to seeing Jef again is a little more heartfelt.  Jef’s family lives on an impressive ranch surrounded by acres and acres of nothingness.  It’s the perfect place to take someone to torture and kill them. It’s kind of cool and kind of scary.

I see torture grounds, Emily sees dollar signs.  “He’s a little bit more country than he wants people to know,” she says.  That roughly translates to, “He’s a little bit more loaded than he wants me to know.”  Obviously, Jef just moved to the top of Emily’s future husband list.

The ranch also has a bit of a “sister wives” compound vibe.

Jef and Emily do some skeet shooting.  She thinks he looks hot in his skinny jeans shooting a gun.  Jef thinks Emily looks hot holding a gun.  They’re clearly a match made in heaven. Jef wants Emily to hold his gun all day.

Jef and Emily sit on some randomly placed hay bales to talk about meeting his family. His parents have a prior engagement, so Emily will be meeting his brother Steve, brother Mike, sister Melissa, and sister Julie. Emily dwells on the fact that Jef once broke up with a girl because his parents did not like her, so Emily is extra nervous.  An extra nervous Emily means extra teeth licking and hair smoothing for our viewing pleasure.

Jef admits to his brother that he’s falling for Emily.  “I’m, like, totally falling for her. She’s like, she’s like the coolest girl in the world,” says Jef.  Mike thinks Jef and Emily complement each other nicely.  Jef wrote Emily a very touching love letter. (Take note, Ryan.  That’s how you write a letter to a woman.) “That was honestly the sweetest thing anybody has ever, ever said to me,” Emily says.  Then, they make out.

Arie in Arizona

The date starts at the racetrack.  Arie looks “stupid hot.”  Arie has concerns about his family meeting “all American” Emily.  His family is very European… and they have certain values. (ha!)  Dad Arie is going to be cool, but Mom Mieke is going to be less than open minded.

As if Emily wasn’t uncomfortable enough during dinner, Arie’s mom starts talking to her family in Dutch.  Emily doesn’t have a clue what she’s saying.  Arie has enough sense to know it is rude and making Emily uncomfortable, so he puts an end to it.  Personally, I enjoyed watching Emily squirm.

Emily and Mieke talk in private.  Keeping it real, Mieke says, “I’m surprised to see you here.”  She says this because she watched The Bachelor and Emily is supposed to be living happily ever after with Brad Womack.  Emily says she really did fall in love with Brad, but she never asked the right questions.  Arie’s mom (reluctantly?) admits she thinks her son has fallen for Emily.

Arie is 100% ready to propose to Emily.

Sean in Texas  

Sean and his two cute dogs greet Emily in a park.  The theme of the day is “perfect.”

Sean has only had one serious relationship.  Sean admits to Emily that he did not fully give himself to that one serious relationship.  He vows to never do that to a woman again.  If he cannot fully give himself to Emily, he promises to not lead her on.  Emily talks about how perfectly perfect Sean is.  Life with Sean will be… perfect

Sean has the world’s most perfect family in the most perfect backyard.  Emily meets Dad Jay, Mom Sherry, and Sean’s sister and her family.

Sean has a secret to tell Emily.  He tells her he still lives at home with his parents.  This is not perfect for Emily.  She puts on her fake face and says, “Oh, cool.”  Sean shows Emily his obviously staged bedroom.  “He’s a mess and he’s really into stuffed animals,” she says.

Big shocker – Sean’s just kidding.  Emily pretends it would have been okay either way.  She is SUCH a liar.

Sean and his dad have a very strong bond.  Sean tells his Dad that this has been a life-changing experience for him.  Sean’s dad can  see the change in Sean.  Sean’s dad is… perfect. Not poking fun, he really does come across as endearing and likable. Sean’s dad talks to Emily next.  Emily’s interaction with Sean’s dad is the most natural conversation she has had with a family member yet.  He makes her bearable for one scene.  Emily can see sharing her life with Sean.

Sean and Emily kiss goodbye.  Unfortunately, Sean does not kiss as well as Arie.  Continuing his theme of chasing down Emily, Sean puts her in the car, it drives away, and then he chases the car to steal one more kiss from Emily.  Isn’t he just so perfect?

Rose Ceremony

Leading into the ceremony, Emily tells Chris Harrison she has no plan.  It’s completely obvious who she is going to send home.  I don’t know whom she’s trying to fool.

The first rose goes to Arie.  Jef is bothered by this.  No worries, Jef gets the next rose.  The last rose goes to Sean.  Emily says goodbye to Chris.

“To be honest, I don’t have an explanation,” says Emily. “So many more of my relationships grew so much faster and deeper.”

“I don’t understand,” Chris says. “How much faster could it possibly move? I told you I loved you.”  Aww.  Poor immature Chris.

Chris’s journey continues on the Bachelor Pad.

Emily and her last three, Sean, Arie, and Jef, are off to Curacao.  It’s a shame Emily can’t just take all three to Jef’s compound and make them her brother husbands. Collectively, they’re quite yummy.

TELL US – Do you think there will be fantasy suites for single-mom Emily?

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