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Reunions often descend into a contest of who is the worst of the bunch. And this one was no exception. When the level of vitriol reaches the extreme harpy stage – it’s time to recast. We’re waiting, Andy Cohen

Last night on Real Housewives of Orange County no one redeemed themselves or came across as a grown woman. Does it ever happen that way? Gretchen Rossi and Tamra Barney are took their Over-The-Hill Barbie act on the road and switched hair for the day. I think Tamra got her wig from the Dolly Parton synthetic collection on QVC. They also wore the same color dress. Was it an act of solidarity?

Whomever did Tamra‘s make up should be fired, because she looked 55 trying to look 45. Not cute.

Also, what was up with Heather Dubrow‘s eyebrows? Girl, the botox needs to stop and don’t try to play it off as a tweezer malfunction. We know you had unsupervised alone time with Terry’s botox collection after a couple glasses of wine. Besides, don’t rich girls wax, not tweeze?

I also have to comment on Heather‘s country music star circa 1994 hair. This is a good lesson – do not let Gretchen style your hair, ladies! Or choose your dress.

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With all that being said, Alexis Bellino spent the entire reunion on the hot seat. Clearly no one likes her – including Andy – and Vicki Gunvalson is already in enough trouble with that man of hers. Speaking of Vicks, she took a fair amount of heat as well. So things start off with a montage of Alexis and how much she’s changed. Immediately Heather goes for the jugular about how Jim Bellino controls her and Alexis insulted her fancy actressing career.

Everyone insults Alexis‘ marriage, which is an old refrain by now. I wish theses girls would stop taking the liberty to insult everyone else’s relationship. But what fun would that be? Then they bicker back and forth about who is meaner to whom.

Sure, Heather was a working actress, but in her mind she was kind of a big deal. She isn’t Angelina Jolie and frankly no one had heard of her before this show. She knows it and it irks her. Furthermore this is a show about talking crap about each other so she shouldn’t get all over-sensitive and get her granny panties in a bunch. Heather strikes me as the type of person who denounces lingerie as trashy and instead wears the over-priced Hanes versions.

I think Heather is insecure about her career because she doesn’t want to be seen as just a rich man’s wife or a mother. And Alexis is obviously insecure about her finances and social clout.

And yes, Alexis said rude things to her, but didn’t Heather call her the phoniest person ever, stage an intervention in Costa Mexico, and decide it was her duty to “save” Alexis from herself so she, Heather, could secure a spot in season 8? Heather insists Alexis went into the season with a vendetta – it’s probably true.

BTW: I like Heather, it’s just that she’s just as much of a hypocrite as the rest of them.

And Alexis is totally phony. And ridiculous. And we all know this, but whaddya gonna do. In exchange Alexis calls Heather out on talking behind her back with Tamra.

Which brings us to Alexis vs. Tamra round a million. Apparently during the coffee/lunch they had together Alexis realized nothing she says or does is going to make Tamra like her so after three seasons of being hated on she finally stopped caring what Tamra thinks, being that they’re not friends and all.

Tamra claims she only started saying nasty things about Alexis because Alexis was pushing her buttons the entire time and “pinched” at her as Heather put it. Heather uses such old-fashioned expressions.

Tamra discusses her divorce and says Simon is not happy about her engagement. Tamra tries to convince us that she’s brought it down a notch, but finally concedes that she has the mouth that just won’t stop.

Vicki opens up about how sad she is that her friendship with Tamra has “drifted apart.” I’m sad about that too. They both admit they miss each other and are sad that things aren’t the same. That was pretty much the only honest moment of last night’s show – and it was emotional.

Vicki has a lot to say about Tamra and Gretchen‘s love-fest. Don’t we all wish that sappy Beaches friendship would go away already? Vicki believes their friendship alienated her and Tamra is looking for her next victim to attack. Vicki accuses Tamra of always attacking someone – now it’s Brooks Ayers. Tamra throws it right back in Vicki’s face.

One thing about Vicki, she articulately explains how she is feeling about the Tamretchen friendship and it makes sense. She misses Tamra and feels excluded.

I think Vicki IS jealous – and it’s because she feels left out, but I also think that’s natural. If your BFF suddenly defected and started hanging out with someone you both mutually agreed to hate, wouldn’t you be miffed? Especially if she simultaneously started distancing herself from you?

Also, I do think Tamra was originally jealous of Gretchen and decided to hate her, so she corralled Vicki to join in the hatefest. And it’s Vicki’s fault for not seeing the writing on the wall that someday the tables would turn. BTW: I like Tamra, and I think she is hilarious, but she takes high school politics to a whole new level.

The next topic on the table is the new friendship between Vicki and Alexis. Tamra and Gretchen think they became friends out of spite. I think Vicki and Alexis became friends out of convenience, but you need allies in their line of work!

Andy brings up Vicki’s divorce and Brooks. Oh, the love tank and the kissing scene montage. #yuck. Vicki reveals that she met Donn‘s new girlfriend and “almost ripped her eyeballs out of her head.” Classy.

Andy wonders about the Christian nature of Vicki having sex with someone else while she’s still married. And here is my favorite quote of the episode: ”Hopefully I’ll be forgiven when I get to heaven.” #Presumptuous much? I love the delusion that is Vicki Gunvalson.

Andy asks if Brooks‘ affirmations are “brainwashing” and if he is just telling Vicki what she wants to hear? Proving we’ll never understand that complexities of Vicki, she candidly admits that’s probably the case – and she likes it! I’m not sure whether to consider this desperate or refreshing.

The word of the night is hypocrite. And everyone is calling everybody else one. And mostly Gretchen and Tamra are labeling Vicki that way because of Brooks. It’s all about how Vicki can dish it out but not take it. Surprisingly, Vicki admits she’s been wrong in the past. <<double take>>

A whole metaphor about throw-up gets used. ”Why keep regurgitating throw up? It’s been thrown up!,” Vicki on being called a hypocrite. “You always threw up on us!,” Gretchen accuses. “Well, I’ve been a hypocrite!” Vicki announces. It was like AA when you admit you have a problem. HA, Hypocrites Anonymous? Who isn’t relieved THAT was caught on tape.

Vicki is furious that the ladies never want her to be happy and now that she is they hate it. Tamra and Gretchen start “jinxing” (aka – saying the same thing at the same time) as they protest that they want Vicki to be happy. Stepford Harpies.

Who is “chirp, chirp, chirping” about each other’s deadbeat boyfriends becomes the next topic. And whether or not Vicki is a hypocrite for loving the child support challenged Brooks when she harangued Gretchen about Slade. Vicki blames Tamra, saying she was the one in a tizzy about Slade’s support issues.

Vicki gives this long-winded accuse/explanation about how she’s not a hypocrite because she supports Brooks working to go pay his support. Everyone is confused. Gretchen brings up the letter Vicki wrote to the judge to get Brooks released from jail, and Vicki accuses Gretchen of hiding Slade‘s income so he wouldn’t have to turn it over to pay back support.

Tamra has very little to say, I noticed, and just sat their completely mute; turning her head back and forth like an animatronic Barbie doll from the middle aged and proud collection. Hmmm… situational amnesia perhaps?

The reunion comes full-circle and wraps right back around to how everyone can’t stand the desperate, grasping, bragging, phony, Alexis. This is where it gets dishy and good.

The dramavention in Costa Mexico is addressed and no one takes accountability. Alexis tries to defend herself but everyone hates her. “I don’t like being around bitter, old, nasty people,” Alexis says in reference to her dealings with Tamra. Alexis just wants things to be amicable, but Alexis – amicable doesn’t get your contract renewed and your paycheck raised.

The friendship demise of Gretch and Lex is covered. Interestingly, Gretchen claims that she warned Alexis that Heather and Tamra were planning their “intervention” and she also warned her that she was going to put in her two-cents. She claims she even told Alexis in advance what she was planning to “point out.” Which makes no sense – she told Alexis she was planning to call her phony and pretentious as part of an intervention? Huh?

Alexis admits she was warned about Heather and Tamra, but Gretchen promised to have her back. Alexis claims she would have bailed on the trip had she known this was being planned.

A furious Alexis calls Gretchen a liar and her proof? Gretchen has been lying about getting lip injections and extensions – among other work – for years! HA! HAHAHA! “Feel her hair, Andy!,” Alexis shouts!

I love it! Finally that bitch got called out. Why would she lie for so long – always claiming she never had work done – and crediting Gretchen Christine Bootay for her plump pout. Gretchen claims she just didn’t want it on camera. Uh-huh.

Vicki, shockingly, defends Alexis by saying she believes Gretchen – as Lex’s best friend – should have intervened when Alexis got so upset. Vicki, speaking for experience, thinks the intervention should have been conducted privately.

Somehow in the middle of it all, Heather accuses Alexis of mistreating the Bravo crew during filming. Andy seems shocked – and oblivious. How has he never heard about this before? Heather says the true point of the intervention was to address how Alexis treats people – case in point the film crew.

Alexis insists she asked the whole crew if she mistreats them and they all told her no! HA! Maybe they need to have an intervention. Heather claims this isn’t limited to film crews, apparently Alexis has been making enemies at Nordstroms and it is common knowledge that she treats the sales associates like they are beneath her! HAHA!

Drama at Nordies. I’m surprised Alexis can afford to shop there. “If everyone says you’re dead, it’s time to lay down!” Heather admonishes, advising Alexis to take stock of who she is and change. Well, she’s not the most cerebral girl, so it’s not likely!

Allegedly, there is a FACEBOOK page dedicated to Nordstroms’ employees bashing Alexis. This is serious stuff. I so need to see this page. This just gets better and better! Alexis insists the employees would tell her if she was that rude. Really?

Alexis claims people around town have been complaining to her about Tamra. Tamra gets all incensed and screams: “You are psychotic, Jesus Jugs!” Andy is having a hard time keeping his head above water. ‘Nordstroms? The crew? Jesus Jugs? Whaaaa… ‘

Tamra starts complaining about how no one likes Jim. Alexis shrieks that they’re having a birthday party for him and fifty people are coming ON A PRIVATE JET – so ha! The country western girl group sofa erupts into outrage over the private jet; mocking Alexis for mentioning it and citing this as an example of her phony and pretentious nature.

Private jet outrage? This coming from the girl who chartered – and bragged about – a helicopter from OC to LA! And Tamra wasn’t all snooty condescending about riding in it!

Gretchen says she cares about Alexis but she is tired of hearing bad things about her around town. She has always defended her and tried to to be honest with her about how people perceive her. Gretchen says she loves Alexis enough to jeopardize their friendship by being honest. Interesting…

Well, that’s about it!

Oh – I’m forgetting something. That bird attack occurred. And it was stupid and over-hyped but Andy‘s facial expression was classic. I do believe that bird flew out of the nest that was Tamra‘s hair. That over-teased bouffant was perfect for hatching little eggs!

THOUGHTS ON THE REUNION? WHO IS THE BIGGEST HYPOCRITE? TEAM ALEXIS OR TEAM HEATHER? IS HEATHER TELLING THE TRUTH ABOUT HOW ALEXIS TREATS THE CREW? 

 

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