Last night on the Real Infomercials of New Jersey the Bravo Home Shopping Network was in full-swing. I see everyone can behave when they’ve got stuff to sell! We’re not stupid, Bravo, we know this was a filler episode designed to get some swag promotion before you hit us with the heavy drama next week. Too bad most of us were too bored to pay attention.
Now there were some positives to this episode. The Gorgas and the Giudices got along and Teresa Giudice and Melissa Gorga, dare I say it, seemed to be enjoying each other’s company and bonding! I like them getting along and I think it makes better TV. It really is time for both parties to let this feud die; it’s boring, redundant, and both sides are equally at fault.
Other positives, both Melissa and Gia had amazing performances at Beatstock. I know Melissa was lip syncing, but isn’t that standard? I mean doesn’t Britney Spears lip sync at a live performance?
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Ok, let’s get to recapping. Everyone is prepping for Beatstock – and by everyone I mean, Melissa and Gia. Teresa is hovering true stagemom style as Gia works through her routine. Gia sasses that she gets her moves from her aunt. Which may have been sarcastic as evidenced by Melissa’s dance moves.
Melissa is working on her choreography with Chris Judd. Chris Judd has the patience of Joe Giudice and looks like he desperately needs a drink. Fabellini, anyone? He mumbles at Melissa as she stumbles through her choreography. Meanwhile he remembers his days married to A-lister. Maybe he can join Hollywood Exes.
Melissa explains to us that while she may not have skills, she has stage presence and that’s more important. She also has a red bathing suit, but more on that later.
BTW: Melissa has a new song, Rockstar, and Gia is in a dance troupe, so run out and buy some stuff!
Next up, Kathy Wakile is pedaling desserts in the old neighborhood Gelatto shop. Richie comes with her to make the pitch, except he’s cramping her style. Richie says he needs to oversee Kathy’s business so she doesn’t end up attending the Juicy School of Business. Joe’s MBA stands for Maybe illegal, Bankrupt, and Always In Trouble.
The restaurant Kathy is hoping to sell cannoli is where Rosie had her first job. Rich starts cracking sex jokes the moment they walk in the door. Then he claims Kathy has cut his cannoli off and he needs a tampon. Um… classy. I’m not sure if Kathy’s desserts or Richie’s humor got them the sale, but Kathy is now in the dessert business.
The canoli are selling fast, everyone! Get yours for this special introductory low rate – if you buy now we’ll throw in an extra cannoli at no cost! Call 1-800-ShopBravo now!
On to the next infomercial, Chris Laurita and the Manzo spawn are headed to the Fancy Foods Show to pimp some BLK. Also going, Caroline Manzo and Albert to sell Brownstone Sauce. I barely remember this scene because I was so distracted by Caroline’s wrinkly, too big, wide-legged jeans that were incredibly unflattering.
The BLK Booth is a huge spread and if this business doesn’t work out everyone is in trouble. The Brownstone booth is like two generic looking Kinkos flyers. Albert thinks if he puts Caroline‘s picture on the bottle he’ll move more product. Interesting marketing strategy. Even Albie is against it. Who wants to be harassed by Caroline while eating spaghetti?
After some lovely food talk, Joe Gorga makes me and all of America lose my appetite. I’m sure the BLK/Manzo Sauce peeps appreciated it! Joe is hanging out in the pool with his kiddos when Melissa comes out in a red bathing suit to bring him some wine. We all know this scene was totally put in to advertise the bathing suit
with the cellulite cam trained to capture every angle, rudely enough. Melissa looked great, if not a little Baywatch circa ’95, but spare us the details, Joey!
Joe couldn’t stop molesting her with his eyes or his hands as he went on and on about how desperate he was to get some. Melissa gives us another of her wifey tips: Have sex everyday; except when you are going to Beatstock.
Pretend Beatstock is every week to avoid getting poisoned.
Joe is convinced Tarzan is malfunctioning from lack of use and then tells us he has a hard-on and can’t stand up. Let me remind you his children are right there and to my knowledge they can all hear. Melissa snips that she’s tired of him whipping out Tarzan all the time. Bravo gives us a close up of Joey’s crotch. Ain’t nobody buying that, Bravo!
Both the Gorgas and the Giudices need to stop with the sexytimes on TV.
Later at the Gorga home, Joe tackles his wife on the bed and starts staging some softcore in front of the cameras. Antonia walks in because she’s scared to go to bed and Joe calls her a “cock block.” On TV. Joe claims this will help his wife sing and dance better. Oh, really?
The BLK bus is headed to the fancy foods fest. Chris L is freaking out beacuse he’s bankrupt and invested a ton of money in BLK. Meanwhile the Manzos + Greggy are goofing off in the backseat and playing Kill, Marry, Screw with the Kims and Ke$ha. Albie has this thing with Ke$ha doesn’t he? Here’s a game; Kill, Marry, Screw: Greg, Albie, Chris Manzo?
Later the boys stop for lunch at some disgusting place called Shame Burger and Greggy and Chrisofer have an eating contest. Chris L is upset because he thinks they’re not taking business seriously enough. Later they all stop at a bar, do a ton of shots, and Chris M-to-the-Anzo pukes in the men’s room.
Chris, husband of Jacqueline Laurita, is really regretting hauling this lot of jokers with him to an important event. Good thing their mommy with came to keep them in line!
It’s the day of Beatstock. Teresa is getting her hair and make-up professionally done for Gia‘s performance. Which makes no sense, until you remember she has to show-up Melissa. On Display! Meanwhile the Giudice girls are screaming like banshees and eating ICE CREAM out of a giant tub for lunch. I thought Teresa cooked every meal, every day?
Joe is no where to be found because he is sleeping in his own room, according to Milania. And according to Jacqueline, Teresa and Joe are leading separate lives but keeping up appearances. Well, I wouldn’t want to live with Teresa – and I bet they both snore!
Teresa asks if Gia is excited to watch Aunt Melissa. Milania snipes, “I do not care.” And Gia snaps that Melissa lip syncs. “Big Chicken!” Milania bellows. They get it from their mama. Look, Melissa does lip sync and she can’t really sing, but you know… it was still pretty sad to hear little girls saying that about their aunt.
Teresa thinks Melissa can sing, but she’d like to hear her do it without all the autotune. Surprisingly, she sounded sincere. I know, I’m shocked too. Meanwhile Melissa was glaring at the TV ranting, ‘I’d like to see you cook without your mom’s recipes, bitch. Oh – and how about writing without a ghost writer?’
Takes a fraud, to know a fraud, I s’pose!
Later as they all pile into the limo to drive Gia to Beatstock they continue harshing on Melissa for her lip syncing. Milania doesn’t mince words, “Melissa stinks!” Gia mimics Melissa singing and belts out “On Display…” And I think maybe Gia sang it better – and it was live. With no training. Oh dear…
Teresa claims she wants her daughters to be close to her aunt. Her stifled laugh and Joe‘s face tell a different story.
While the Giudices roll in a limo they can’t afford, the Gorgas are chilling at the Marriott. Bravo can’t splash out for some place nicer for their big ol’ superstars? No matter – Joe can inappropriately molest his wife anywhere. Motel 6, The Ritz, a public bathroom – where ever!
It’s their 7th anniversary and for a gift Melissa got Chris Judd flown in from Cali and a toe suck on national TV. I guess that explains why they’re staying at the Marriott!
At the Fancy Food Fest, Chris L-to-the-Aurita gives his BLK team a verbal timeout. “Stay f*cking serious,” he demands. The boys all meekly mumble, ‘yes master’ and look around for their mommy. She’s wearing a BLK t-shirt, while resentfully selling Brownstone Sauce.
Greggy discovers Patti LaBelle is on the premises. He accosts her, practically shoves BLK down her throat, and then crows, “She likes it!” Sure she does.
At the Brownstone booth, Caroline is anything but happy and apparently a last minute decision was made to not put her picture on the jar. They could have put a photo of a bulldog. Caroline is a bulldog, you know.
Everyone is just super excited about Beatstock, except Milania. Milania – who has been practicing a mean side-eye since birth – is over these other Giudice girls usurping her attention. At the mention of Gia‘s performance troupe, she looks directly at the camera, yawns, and rolls her eyes.
I’m pretty sure Bravo edited out the part where Milania announced: ‘The only reason I came was for the limo ride. And the possibility of seeing Melissa or Gia fall off stage. Now get me a slurpee, minion.’ Milania is my hero. And she doesn’t discriminate; she doesn’t care about Melissa OR Gia. That child is Teresa‘s daughter, through and through.
Teresa visits Melissa backstage and they exchange pleasantries. The girls seem excited to see her. Gia‘s outfit is adorable and I love Melissa’s shorts.
During her performance, Melissa‘s sisters are crying in the audience. It also looked like Juicy was crying during Gia‘s performance and he did seem super proud of her. This was a nice day for both families as everyone was super supportive. Melissa and Gia even hugged.
Meanwhile after Fancy Foods Fest, the Manzo-Laurita fams get dinner and debrief. Albie is on the spot over his relationship with Lindsey. Everyone believes he’s not capable of having a business and a girlfriend. Despite the fact that his parents and his uncle have managed to pull it off.
Albie explains that it’s not as simple as choosing between the two. It’s just that his mom is insane and totally clingy and he’s afraid of what she’ll do to Lindsey. So to spare her life he’s keeping his distance. Well, he didn’t exactly say that but you know that’s what he meant. Poor Albie, his mother is a walking Shame Burger.
I don’t know why he doesn’t tell them to choke on their BLK Water and then march into Lindsey‘s house, kiss her madly and say, ‘I told my mommy to shove it. Think she’ll be mad?’ Oh, Albie… maybe you need an assist from Tarzan. BTW: ditching your gf won’t make anyone want to buy BLK water.
Everyone discusses Napa and the Giudices’ attendance. Caroline wishes they could be uninvited and Jacqueline plans to keep her distance from Teresa.
Chris is hopeful the families can reconnect. Planning accordingly, he has called a meeting of the hubbies so they can sit down and discuss keeping the wives in check and minimizing drama. Seriously?
Dream big, Chris, dream big. He thinks he’s going to be able to control ALL the RHONJ ladies when wine is added to the mix? As someone on twitter pointed out, he can’t even manage Jacqueline and Ashlee!
Albert decides he will not be attending this meeting of the fools, because he has nothing to say to Juicy. “What good is going to come from engaging Joe Giudice in a conversation about any topic,” he says. “It makes me stupid.” He’s still upset about that cookbook dig! Nobody insults his wife’s meatballs! Don’t buy Fabulicious!
After Beatstock, Melissa and Teresa chat backstage and are getting along. They talk about Napa and both seem genuinely excited. Then they have a real discussion about Teresa’s relationships with Jacqueline and Caroline. Melissa encourages her to go on the trip with an open-mind and Teresa says some real adult stuff when she concisely mentions that it’s weird to go on vacation with someone you’re not getting along with.
I still believe Teresa and Melissa get along and this feud is made for TV? What do you think?
Teresa doesn’t think she’ll be able to reconnect with Jacqueline, even though Chris and Joe are friends. “The Lauritas are fair window friends,” she explains.
[Photo Credit: BravoTV.com]
WOULD YOU BUY SPAGHETTI SAUCE WITH CAROLINE’S PICTURE ON IT? WHO SINGS ‘ON DISPLAY’ BETTER: MELISSA OR GIA? SHOULD TERESA AND JACQUELINE PUT THEIR DIFFERENCES ASIDE AND BE FRIENDS AGAIN?