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The Men Tell All, The Parade of Tools, The Reincarnation of the 3 Stooges… however you label it, it’s still the Bachelorette starring Emily Maynard <yawn> Two hours of video recaps and retells taped in front of one very reactive audience <SCREAMS!> makes me wish I drank wine.

Those 3 Stooges would be Kalon McMahon, Ryan Bowers, and Chris Bukowski. They were obviously the stars of the night, with a side dish of Sean Lowe <SCREAMS!>.

Chris Harrison welcomes us by asking, “Who here would finally like to see Emily find the love of her life?” Raising my hand! If it means she’ll go away, then, by all means, let’s get this woman hitched. Jef Holm and Arie Luyendyk, Jr.  are not there, but the men who escaped a lifetime of love few short months of happiness with Emily are. Yippee.

Sean is there! <SCREAMS!> Kalon is there! <BOO!> Seriously, the audience is so over the top.

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Before the Men Tell All, Chris Harrison sits down with Emily, to rehash some of the more horrible things she endured this season. We start with Ryan. Let’s remember – Emily took Ryan to her house to make soccer cookies on the first date, because she’s a mom, y’all. Aww, sweet. Then we’re reminded of all the stupid things Ryan said to Emily, like the “If you let yourself go, I’ll still love you, but I won’t love on you as much” comment.

Kalon is Kalon, and there’s no good reason Emily kept him around as long as she did. Moving on…

There’s Doug‘s awkward kiss. Chris asks, “Who doesn’t love Doug Clerget?” Raising my hand again.

Before the Men Tell All, again, Chris introduces us to some scenes we never got to see. Emily spilled wine on her favorite dress. Pull yourselves together! It’s going to be okay – no overpriced dresses were ruined in the making of this season of the Bachelorette. Travis Pope, the egg guy, is even weirder than we thought. Apparently, at one point in the show, Emily tucked the egg into bed, singing “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” to it. Also, Chris B cannot dance and  Arie‘s younger brothers are peeping Toms.

Finally! It’s time for the Men Tell All.  Well, right after the ten minute sneak peek of Bachelor Pad. Two things about this. One, Bachelor Pad is awesome for all the wrong, but oh! so! right!, reasons.  Two, Chris slobbers his way through the Bachelor Pad to mend his broken heart.

For real now, it’s time for the Men Tell All. Chris welcomes Randy, Aaron, Joe, Charlie <audience warms up a little>, Stevie <audience cools right back down>, Alessandro, Travis <oh? mad audience love for egg guy?>, Nate, Michael, Alejandro, Kalon <BOOOO!>, Ryan, Doug <little love>, John, Tony, Chris <pity love>, and Sean <OMG! SCREAMS!> to the stage. Who? Exactly. Read the Bachelorette premiere to refresh your memory.

Chris H asks, “Who was the first one out of the limo?” Sean. Seriously, the screams have to stop. We get it, audience, Sean is so dreamy.

Chris B talks. Chris is so very sensitive about the maturity issue. He’s still bellyaching about a few of the other guys suggesting that, at 25, he’s immature. Note to Chris, the horse is dead, move on!

John Wolf is wearing pink trousers.

Kalon suggests that the show starts to get to you after the first few weeks and then you’re not yourself. Charlie and Travis speak up, they were true to themselves the whole time. Hell yeah, they say, then they fist pound it out. Jersey Shore jumps on the chance to argue with Kalon again.

Kalon in the Hot Seat

Chris H asks Kalon why he came on the show. He explains how he was already committed before he found out that Emily was the Bachelorette. He didn’t yet know he was anti-step child, so he was still interested in meeting Emily.

Kalon thinks his humor is simply wasted on a lot of people. Poor Kalon is stuck in America where people like things “sugarcoated.”  Kalon has no filter and he’s not apologetic.

As a dad, Doug takes issue with Kalon’s baggage comment.  Sean, setting himself up for lots of loving from the single mamas, says, “If you truly want to win a woman’s heart and ultimately find love, you love the woman and embrace every part of her. Part of Emily is Ricki.”

Kalon’s moving into the Bachelor Pad.

Ryan in the Hot Seat

As we relive Emily saying goodbye to Ryan, Chris B yells out, “See ya!”  Cause he’s mature, guys.

Ryan insists he’s not an arrogant ass. He’s just confident. He says, “arrogance is a false sense of confidence.”

Chris is ready to explode. He asks Ryan, “Did you actually see Emily as someone you could propose to at the end of this?”

Ryan says he did start to question that. Gasps, how dare anyone not fall head over heels for Princess Emily! He goes on to say that this process isn’t just about Emily, it was also about RYAN looking for RYAN’s WIFE. He’s absolutely right. This is a two-way street. Everyone seems too drunk on Emily Kool-aid to understand this. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t enjoy Ryan.

Is he an ass? Yes. Is he a tool? Yes. Is he funny as hell? YES! He’s also honest to a fault, and I admire that.

Chris B is SO BITTER. It’s so ridiculous it’s comical. Sitting there on stage, Chris looks like he’s plotting deaths. It’s too bad Chris and Doug cannot move on from the maturity argument. They could totally bond over their serial killer tendencies.

Chris in the Hot Seat

Chris B really believes he was in love with Emily.  When he wasn’t being angry.

Chris H picks up on the anger and asks him if he always angers easily.  Chris B says he’s passionate and does everything he does for a reason.  Sometimes that comes across as anger.

Chris B left heartbroken. No worries. He’s taking risks in the name of love these days… and heading to Bachelor Pad.

Sean in the Hot Seat

<SCREAMS!>

We have to watch Emily break up with Sean again.  I’m reminded of Emily’s bench cry.  Emily sounds like my cat when she’s bringing up a hairball.  (And, really, that sums up how I feel about Emily.)

Poor Sean. He fell in love with Emily and was caught off guard when she sent him home.

Chris asks Sean, “What the hardest part of that – hearing you’re not the one?”

Sean wonders – what is he missing?

Well, for one, Arie‘s talented tongue.  For two, Jef‘s money.  Tough luck, Sean.

Sean says he fell in love with Emily for a number of reasons.  He spent several weeks after being let go questioning himself.  This is Sean’s first experience with heartbreak.  According to Sean, Emily has opened his eyes and showed him what he wants out of life. He’s more ready than ever to find love.

Emily in the Hot Seat

Emily is so excited to see “all of them all.”

Sean thanks Emily for opening up his eyes.  He’s hopeful for the future.

Emily tells Sean, “I want you to know that I watched the episode and literally sat in my room and did the ugly cry- the ugly, ugly, ugly cry. Everything that I felt for you was so true and so genuine and real for me. I mean, what girl wouldn’t want Sean?”  For starters – You, Emily Maynard.

Moving on to Chris, he steals Sean’s notes and recites the same speech Sean just did.

Emily and Doug talk about the kiss – again.  Remembering back to the night Doug tells Emily about Kalon’s baggage comment, she does admit she should have given the group date rose to Doug.  Thank you! I said that then and I cannot stand Doug.

Kalon apologizes to Emily.  “Obviously I’d like to apologize for how the way things transpired. You look extremely happy, so I’m happy for you. But, at the same time, I’m obviously sorry for the way things went down between us,” he says.  “I am trying to use it as a growing experience in my future relationships and I really wish the best for you.”

Emily acts like the brat that she is, reciting the lines that some clever person wrote for her. She says, “And you, my dear, should be a politician because that is the biggest load of bullsh*t I’ve ever heard.”

Kalon is a pompous jerk. By no means am I defending him or what he said, but, oh my gosh, Emily is such a self-centered bitch. And, if she touches her hair one more time…

Chris Harrison says this is normally when he asks the Bachelorette how she’s doing since the season ended.  But he isn’t going to ask Emily.  He, too, is tired of watching her play with her hair, I bet.

With all the secrecy surrounding this finale, it better be the most dramatic rose ceremony/proposal/after the rose/break up ever!

The Bachelorette season finale airs this Sunday, July 22, followed by the live After the Rose special.

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