More of the same old, same old on Vh1’s Hollywood Exes. The only exception being Andrea Kelly‘s new man! She says the “ex to R. Kelly” pill is a usually a tough one to swallow. Will new guy Percy handle it well or run for the hills? Before we get to the interesting part of the episode, we start with Nicole Murphy‘s house hunting woes. She renovates her house, someone offers to buy it for a ridiculous amount of money, and she cashes in. Boohoo.
Nicole (ex to Eddie Murphy) meets with her assistant Sandra to firm up the moving timeline. She’s already stressed about the money fraud case, now she has to tackle moving. She says, “That’s a lot of house to pack up!” Are we supposed to believe she’s not hiring movers?
Jessica Canseco (ex to Jose Canseco), Mayte Garcia (ex to Prince), and Andrea are heading to a single’s mixer. Mark is their matchmaker. Jessica thinks he’s cute. Blah, not really – she must have had a few drinks on the way to the bar.
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Jessica makes fun of Mayte‘s dress – she definitely looks and sounds way buzzed already. The men are laughable and look like “serial killers.” Matchmaker Mark announces there are party games. Oh my gosh, how lame. He starts with a roll of toilet paper, passes it around, then tells they need to tell something about themselves for every square of paper they took. Something that turns them on or something embarrassing.
Mayte goes first, and she talks about her cat’s diarrhea. Shocker that she’s still single. The first guy to share has so much toilet paper it’s wrapped around Jessica’s neck. His share is, “lips, hips, whips, chains….” Jessica cuts him off, thankfully. She likes a man in uniform. One of the more attractive men there says he likes boobies. Everyone laughs. Andrea‘s share is her fear of having gas while doing it doggie style. Um, wow. I mean, it’s a valid fear. But, OMG, not something you say out loud. I suddenly want to know more about Mayte’s cat.
The mixer is over. Needless to say, no matches were made.
Nicole is house hunting. The first house has a to-die-for pool in the backyard, but the house is not big enough inside. Nicole says she needs a bowling alley and a movie theatre. Huh. Ex-mega rich people’s problems.
Andrea and Mayte go for a walk. Mayte brings two yappy dogs with her. While they’re out walking, Andrea’s “boo boo kitty,” AKA Tony, calls. Tony’s barber Percy wants to take her out. Andrea calls him and they make a date to go out the next week.
Mayte is organizing a surprise belly dance for her mom for her birthday. Sheree Fletcher (ex to Will Smith), Nicole, Andrea, and Jessica get lessons from Mayte. Is Nicole the most perfect woman on the planet? Holy wow.
Andrea goes on her date with Percy. She trades massive hoop earrings for massive butterflies with fringe earrings for the special occasion. He’s cute, but he’s not Andrea’s flavor of choice, “vanilla.” Percy doesn’t know anything about Andrea, he says. Did the subject of the cameras following her never come up? She starts by telling him she’s a divorced mother of three. He’s all like, damn, girl you looking good for popping out three kids. Then she tells him she’s a dancer, which leads into the R. Kelly bomb. Andrea’s waiting for him to bail… then he says, “You’re definitely fly and fun. I don’t care who you used to belong to.” Andrea‘s touched that he cares about who she is and not who she was married to. He wants to see her again.
Andrea and Mayte are at the salon getting pedicures. Andrea’s nails are wrapped in tin foil. Andrea dishes about the date. OMG. Mayte brought one of her yappy dogs to the nail salon.
It’s time for the belly dancing party! And time to compare outfits. Sheree is completely covered in a Reverend’s wife kind of way. Jessica is… not so much covered but she looks hot. The green looks great on her. Sheree says, “Jessica is the only person who I know would go to a lingerie store to get a belly dancing outfit.” Maybe the belly dancing outfit store was closed? Nicole comes in, wearing red and looking like she’s been belly dancing her entire life. Andrea’s outfit grabs her crotch is a weird and awkward kind of way. It’s distracting. Now matter how hard I try, I can’t look anywhere else but her crotch or ass. Mayte looks beautiful.
Percy shows up and takes the women by surprise. Only Mayte knows about their date. Percy, Andrea, Sheree, Nicole, and Mayte are all eating and talking. Up walks Jessica. They introduce her and she blurts out, “He’s not white!” He lets us know he’s black and Italian. Andrea calls him her “double twirl.” The exes start grilling Percy and they find out he has two kids and two baby mamas. Uh oh. This doesn’t pass Sheree’s morals test. Thou shall not be a male slut… He saves himself with a sensitive rebuttal to Sheree’s baby mama comment. “They’re friends, not my baby mamas,” he says.
Mayte belly dances for her mama. She motions for the other women to join her. Mama joins the fun. She’s so cute.
Seriously – Nicole‘s stomach! How inspiring?! Eh, more like depressing. I need a cookie.
Mayte, Nicole, and Jessica meet for lunch and to talk about Andrea‘s new guy. They’re kind of happy, kind of skeptical.
Bowling alley demands, movie theater woes, vaginal rejuvenation, purse doggies… these women are still very much Hollywood. That said, they’re still likable. Sadly, there’s a reason why there aren’t more nice people on TV! They’re boring!
Oh, drama next week between Jessica and Sheree. Someone please pass Jessica a drink! Let’s get this party started. Don’t get me wrong. I do appreciate the feel-good nature of the show and I don’t want them to start bitch slapping and insulting each other. However, conflict is a natural part of life, and I wouldn’t mind seeing how these friends handle some conflict.
WHAT DID YOU THINK OF ANDREA’S DATE WITH PERCY?
Photo credit: VH1