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Last week on Big Brother, Shane won HoH, shifting the power in the house over to Team Boogie, and number one enemy Willie Hantz cracked under the pressure. With Willie out of the game, Frank and JoJo found themselves up for eviction.

Did anyone else catch the clip of Britney Haynes sitting at the kitchen table eating Fruit Loops during the episode introduction? Willie might have been dead to her but she’s not above eating his fruit loops. HILARIOUS! Somebody please give that Big Brother editor an Emmy!

Even after two weeks of slop, Shane continues to be a beast at competitions, winning his second PoV. Shane takes himself off the block. Of course. There’s only one dumbass in Big Brother history who didn’t use the power of veto on himself. The lone member of Dan Gheesling‘s team, Danielle, goes on the block in Shane’s place. Either JoJo or Danielle will be evicted from the Big Brother house.

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Shane, JoJo, and Ian are in the have not room. Lights are out, JoJo and Shane are down to their thongs, and Ian is cuddling his teddy bear hoping not to see anything he’s not old enough to see. JoJo and Shane are in their separate beds, mind you, but flirting enough for Ian to say, “I’m trying to just get some shut eye and Shane is over there trying to board the Staten Island ferry.” Funny. The scene goes even more wrong once we learn that Ian uses too much tongue when he kisses his teddy bear.

Danielle questions Ian about hearing them talking the night before. Innocently enough, Danielle asks Ian what they were all talking about. He says, Oh, basically, JoJo wants to climb on top of Shane. Danielle isn’t happy to hear this since she and Shane have been been flirting.

Danielle climbs into bed with Janelle and Ashley for some girl talk. They talk about what kind of men they like. Janelle and Ashley aren’t that into Shane. He’s too “little.” Ashley says she’d crush him in bed, because he’s so skinny, and that he’s practically “emancipated” – which means Shane is fighting to have political rights or equality. <shaking my head> The level of airhead in that bed was astounding. I’m shocked the bed didn’t just float away like the house in the Disney movie UP!

Ian can play Dug. He’s got that same “Squirrel!” look about him.  Britney can be the grumpy old man. She already is, actually.

When Danielle is confused by Ashley‘s description of Shane’s situation, rightfully so since emancipated does not equal emaciated, Ashley goes on to say he’s introverted (inverted?). Danielle is still confused. Janelle jokes that her boobs weigh more than Shane’s head.

Danielle takes this opportunity to tell them about Shane and JoJo’s flirting. This makes Janelle uncomfortable. Two people bonded by a showmance is more of a threat than two separate players.

Coach of the year Britney gives JoJo a motivating talk that starts with, “I don’t know if you’re staying.” Also, Britney OVER chews. Britney tells JoJo it’s in her best interest to not talk anything but roses and rainbows. JoJo’s repsonse to everything is, “Yeah, I know. I know. Yeah, I know.” I secretly love that this annoys Britney so much.

Britney wants JoJo to let her do all the talking this week. She starts with Boogie. Britney wants Boogie to see Danielle as a threat. But, Boogie has loyal players on his side, so he doesn’t have to listen to anything Britney is spewing.

WILLIE HANTZ ARRESTED AFTER LEAVING BIG BROTHER

The Better Half of Chilltown

Will Kirby is on hand this week to offer his opinion on Big Brother 14. I fully admit that I love Will.

Will met Boogie in season 2 and knew instantly that they were going to be great friends. That friendship gave birth to the infamous Chilltown. Will says, “Some alliances stab you in the back. Chilltown stabs you in the front.” This is Mike Boogie’s first time in the Big Brother house without him. Will thinks he’s doing well, with a strong and diverse team, but he needs to keep his ego in check! I so wish Will would have told him to knock off the Chilltown 2.0 with Frank. More of Will’s commentary:

If Kermit the Frog and Ryan Seacrest had a baby, that baby would be Dan. Dan’s coaching voice never ends, but his eyes went all boobies when he picked his team. Note to Britney: If your players are getting evicted for violence, you’re doing a terrible job coaching. Janelle is a phenomenal player but her ability to strategize remains to be seen.

Will‘s guess as to who will win the game? Ian! Ian and Boogie have more in common than people think. Will says, “Boogie is nothing more than a 40-year-old Ian.” Will leaves me (I like to believe he’s talking directly to me. And only me. Just play along, okay?) with a phone call to Boogie, “Season 2 called, they want their clothes back.” Hahaha.

Live Eviction

It’s time to vote. But first… Julie Chen asks some questions. For Joe, “We all witnessed Willie confront you. What was going on in your mind as things were escalating?” Someone should tell Joe that he has a chia pet growing out of his chin. Awkward.

Joe says, “I think mainly to protect myself. Also, I just wanted to say, Willie, if you can’t handle the heat, stay out of the kitchen.” This brings on a wild roar of laughter from the live crowd. Ha, yeah, not so much. Dead silence. Joe isn’t as funny as he thinks he is.

Top secret HoH and Julie discussion is underway. Frank respects Boogie as a player. They’re having a blast together. Frank and Shane have talked about a final two deal. Julie asks Frank if that plan is real or just lies. Frank says a little bit of both. He understands that you never know who is going to with HoH. The more people you have in your pocket, the better. Unless you get caught, says me. That’s the best part though.

JoJo and Danielle address the houseguests before the vote.

JoJo is wearing a mini cheetah skirt and a red shirt that reads “love me or hate me.” An eloquent public speaker she is not. She basically says she came into the house planning on playing a dirty game. She wasn’t able to do it, however, and her loyalty to Willie got her nominated. She tells the house they’re all afraid to make big moves and they’re making a mistake if they evict her instead of Danielle. JoJo borrowed her coach’s bitch face for the ceremony.

Danielle pretty much just loves all of y’all. She’s wearing a 1991 salmon colored prom dress with a big ass bow on the front. Who gets to unwrap her present if she stays?

With a vote of 5 to 1, JoJo is evicted. Shane voted to evict Danielle.

Jersey Shore makes her way out to Julie Chen depserately trying to hold onto her barely-there clothes, stumbling along in her high heels.

JoJo annoyed the house this week with her constant whining about deserving to be in Big Brother house. Julie asks her why she thinks she’s so special. JoJo says she proved herself in every competition. She has more fight and heart inside of her than anyone else left in the Big Brother house. JoJo thinks Britney deserves to win. Um, okay.

In the goodbye messages, Shane tells JoJo she left him with wet dreams. Britney insults JoJo instead of sending her off with some love or something positive.

HoH Competition

On Thin Ice looks like ice hockey meets shuffleboard. The object of the game is to get the ball into the slot with the higest number. 20, the highest score possible, sits in the middle of the board.

Ashley gets a four. Joe takes five minutes lining up his shot and still only gets a three. Jenn fails to place her ball. Ian moves into the lead with a score of nine. Will is missing the shin-high black socks that he was wearing earlier. He’s still sporting the bootie shorts and Britney braid though. He tries to bank the ball off the side, getting a two. Ian is still in the lead. Shane gets the higest score possible. Danielle goes last and gets a 12, which is a great score, but not enough to win.

Shane wins HoH.

You know what cracks me up? Boogie gives Ian a hard time about being goofy. How dare Ian wear a duck on his head or want to dress up like a cat. Yet, Boogie walks around looking like an idiot every day just because that’s how he looks. Is anyone taking his hat and his big glasses seriously right now?

Janelle‘s probably already planning Operation Kiss Britney’s Ass. She likes to go where the power is. Can she recover from her role in Williegate?

Shane, congratulations! You just won HoH, how does it feel?

“It’s insane,” he says. From two weeks of slop and being nominated, definitely gone had he not won PoV, he’s now HoH. The power in the house flips once again.

Britney! How does it feel to have your only player left in the game win HoH?

I’m such an awesome coach. I’m so excited. Gah.

America’s Choice

Will the coaches join the game? Big Brother says we get to choose! Isn’t that nice – and a bunch of crap. Like the decision hasn’t already been made. No matter what that real vote is, it’ll be a landslide yes. Big Brother covers it up as “America’s Choice” so we cannot whine about how it plays out. Like that’ll keep the masses from whining.

Big Brother‘s plan was to put the coaches into the game all along, the only reason they pretended it was a coach game for a few weeks was to keep them safe while the numbers weren’t in their favor and to let the newbies bond with them. Complete manipulation of the game. The only highlight of this twist will be watching Britney get evicted.

I try to keep my episode recaps true to the episode out of respect for the fans who only watch CBS’s version of Big Brother. Stay tuned for my weekend recap of what’s happening on the live feeds.

SHANE WINS HOH! WHO WILL HE NOMINATE?

Photo credit: CBS

 

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