Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: If The Trees Are Shakin’, Don’t Go Investigatin’!
Ahhhh… New Jersey, where class goes to die. Oh, I joke! What I should say is Real Housewives of New Jersey– where class goes to die. So Chris Laurita tried to be all sophisticated-like and invite these imbeciles to a vineyard he is hoping to sign a business deal with. So, just read that sentence back to yourself again and then pause – no logic, right? Well, I guess he needed Bravo to expense his business trip.
This episode had a lot going on from friendship and family drama to marital discord, but the important thing, the crazy thing, the most ridiculous thing was Joe Giudice and Albert Manzo‘s highly intense discussion about KFC. Was there or was there not a KFC on some street, in some random Jersey suburb?! There they are on a bus bitching about biscuits. This warrants a very terse and snippy discussion peppered with F-bombs and lots of ‘I ate extra crispy every day dammit, I know where the bleeping KFC is dumb a$$.’ “You’re a loser!” Albert yells. Yeah… grown men over there!
So let’s get this recap started…
CLICK CONTINUE READING FOR THE RECAP!
Dueling RV’s pull out of the campsite with Richie Wakile in a tangerine colored popped collared polo ‘driving’ one of them. He’s hunched over like an old man and if he’s hoping to score an endorsement deal with Lacoste with all this nonsense, think again.
Anyway on the RV where brain cells go to die (aka the Gorgadice one), Teresa Giudice wants to take a photo. She is forcing Juicy to fake a smile and pretend he likes her by telling him he can stick his finger up her butt. I really want to file a sexual harassment suit against Bravo for this. Is that legal? I can never, ever unhear that and now I am scarred for life. For the record – Juicy still didn’t smile.
Teresa basically admits that she lies to the tabloids and what she says in there is for dramatic purposes. She says this without saying it exactly. As Melissa voices her concerns, Teresa is like ‘huh?’ Does she act this stupid intentionally? Teresa wants to be BFFLs with Jacqs again
because it’s good for her image and she needs an ally, but she doesn’t want to stop with the dishonesty, withholding information from friends, and getting paid spilling her guts to the tabloids.
Melissa, to her credit, is trying to engage Teresa in a real discussion using adult speak. It goes over Teresa’s head and Gia wasn’t there to interpret. Melissa gives up, exasperated, as Teresa starts squawking about wanting to do Juicy in a vineyard. Melissa tells her she’ll record it because a sex tape can do wonders for her career. Look at Kim K! Teresa is all like, ‘That’s not nice! ‘ but she must have thought about it more than we think. I’ll get to that later…
Meanwhile in an RV powered by the sneers and scorns of Le Caroline and company, Jacqueline and Caroline Manzo are discussing Teresa! Jacqueline is hopeful that they can turn over a new leaf and wants a casual friendship with Teresa. Lauren wants to yell about what lying, deceitful creeps the Giudices are and Caroline is done. Chris decides they’re trading in the Giudices for the Wakiles and the Gorgas, which is like trading rotten apples for rotten grapes.
Jacqueline sits there uncertain and doesn’t seem to be getting it. Clearly the wheels stopped turning and Jacqueline started to think about what wines she’ll be drinking later that night.
After all that smart talking, the RHONJ peeps pull up to this beautiful estate which is being provided to them by Levindi Winery, which they are touring. I’m not sure what idiot had the bright idea to allow these yahoos into a classy situation, but I’m sure Bravo was rubbing their collective hands together and cackling with glee at all the drama a huge wine cellar and the middle-aged version of the Jersey Shore would provide.
Chris L and Caroline are worried… they should be. Within seconds Richie breaks a bottle of wine and starts whining for his mommy Kathy Wakile to clean it up. Luckily, she doesn’t. Chris warns everyone to be on their best behavior. Things start off embarrassing when the gang starts getting loaded on the bus. There’s a lot of stilted silence from the Manzorita side of things and a lot of whooping it up from the Gorgadice side of things. Per the usual, the Wakiles are lost in the shuffle, but don’t you worry Kathy will get her attention later!
They arrive at Livendi and clearly the inmates have taken over the asylum. ‘I’ve never like seen stuff that looks like fancy before! Where’s the marble?! Where’s the gold?! Oh, wowee… like trees with grapes on them.’ #idiotpeopleproblems.
During the tour Juicy is rude to the point of disgusting. He makes comments the entire time which are totally, obviously pitted in jealousy and spite. Chris impressed me by ignoring him completely. Juicy was actually doling out financial advice about the price of wine casts as if anyone with 1/3 of a brain would listen to him where finances are concerned. Hey – I filed bankruptcy for $11M, but I can get you a great deal… let’s do business. Not to be outdone, Poison Gorga likened one of the wines to tasting like his wife. Right… hope you weren’t eating during that scene!
Out in the vineyard, the Joews are tossing grapes in each other’s mouths straight out of ancient Rome. Only with a lot more steroids, spray tans, and hair gel. The funtimes man-action on this show is always so odd…
In response to the grown men acting like two year olds, Chrissyfart Manzo puts his head down on his mommy’s shoulder and cries. You know what, Christopher – the Gorgadices make me cry too. I weep for sanity whenever they emerge on the screen. Teresa says the Manzoritas shouldn’t have invited them if they didn’t want them to have fun. If this was her business thing and everyone were acting a fool like that I’m pretty sure she’d go Trezilla on their asses and start pulling up tress from the root and throwing them while screaming blood murder.
Everyone heads home after that embarrassing charade and the KFC argument happens. I couldn’t get past Teresa’s pale pink feathered headband. Did she borrow that from Gabriela? Everyone just sits there like, are we really talking about fried chicken this much?
The next day there is another vineyard tour and even worse behavior by a certain segment of the population. A population that bears the initials J.G. Also, T.G. – I’ll let you guess whom I’m referring to. Upon arriving at a tasting room in a cave, which is beautiful beyond belief, Melissa starts whining about how she wants a wine cave, daddy! Yep – she’s a big fan of Violet Salt. Heard of her? (hint, hint – Melissa means Veruca).
Everyone else instantly starts behaving badly – it truly was like Willy Wonka when the kids enter the candy factory.”Hey look, it’s a peepee,” Teresa shouts about a statue that possibly, maybe, might resemble male anatomy if you squint. Oddly, for all their complaining Albert Sr was taking photos of Poison leaping all over this giant statue of what he and Juicy decided was their wishful thinking penis. The poor vineyard owners looked appalled. When animals attack!
After some wine tasting and vineyard touring, the Manzos have planned a special and sincere surprise for Caroline. It’s her 50th birthday, so they blindfold her, shove her on a bus with Teresa, and drive them off into the middle of nowhere! Let the games begin! Hunger Games… move over – here comes Housewives Games!
Actually, it was really sweet – on top of a hillside they planned a beautiful dinner and each of Caroline’s children told her what a wonderful mom she was. It was nice. And it was ruined by a Giudice – just as it should be. First off, Juicy tries to do a toast to the friendship the Giudices have with the Manzos, except he couldn’t remember the name of the Brownstone
or Caroline. Caroline remains composed with a terse smile. Teresa is baffled.
Things go from bad to horrible. Juicy excuses himself from the table to take a phone call “for work” and is over-heard CLEARLY speaking to a woman and basically making smoochie-smoochie sexy cuddle talk to her. Teresa, sensing something is amiss, goes to investigate. The worst is Teresa knew what he was doing – she knew his dumb ass was going to be caught on national TV on a phone call with his ladyfriend. As Teresa is approaching husband of the year, Juicy refers to her as a c-you-next-tuesday and his “bitch wife” then he basically lies to her about who is talking to as he calls her “retarded.” Yes – that happened.
Teresa is clearly not buying it as she inches closer and closer and gets more and more needy and whiny. You know what, that was despicable. And no one deserves that. I hope his daughters don’t see that. If Teresa doesn’t divorce his philandering, loser ass she is a bigger idiot than I ever imagined. I feel horrible for her. That was so embarrassing. The most embarrassing thing ever. Wait, no – not quite the most embarrassing thing ever (See below)…
In order to over-compensate, Teresa hauls Juicy into the trees to throw herself at him and get a little sexytimes snack in. Within hearing and seeing vision of all her friends and a camera crew, she begs him to hump her, mounts him, begs him for sex some more, and starts making out with him while he repeatedly rebuffs her and tells her to leave him alone. “Get it over with,” he finally snaps, letting her straddle him.
That’s one way to make wine – smash the grapes by rolling around on top of them. Although, I’m not sure who on earth would drink Juicy Juice. Ick.
Everyone can clearly see that some sort of sexy act is occurring – what, remains to be determined – and right at Caroline’s birthday dinner everyone loses their appetite. Jacqueline says Teresa didn’t want Caroline having all the attention. I think she is desperate to prove her marriage actually exists. When Poison is appalled by your molesting behavior, you know it’s bad. If they conceived a baby out there, I bet they name her Grapia – it’s like Italian sounding and like cute, right!? Caroline can be the godmother.
Back at the resort the next day, everyone is getting ready for dinner. Jacqs is doing Teresa’s hair as they gossip about how things are going with Melissa and Kathy. Teresa is all positives. In Caroline’s room, Kathy is doing her hair. Things start out OK, until Caroline starts mentioning that Teresa isn’t interested in improving her relationship with Kathy. Jacqueline sidles in (wearing a dress that reminds me of a figure skating costume, that I sort of, kind of love) and starts putting her two cents in about Teresa’s intentions.
Kathy is getting in with the cool crowd by sucking up and agreeing with Caroline’s way of thinking. #MovingOnUp. Kathy starts co-signing that Teresa is leaving her out of the family bonding as Caroline repeatedly seems to be stirring the pot. It was very manipulative. Everyone was getting along and then she starts poking the bear; dropping hints that Teresa is insincere and doesn’t really want to rekindle things.
Here’s my problem with Caroline: she is always saying she’s over the drama and doesn’t do drama, while constantly causing it by instigating it and involving herself in other people’s family issues, while simultaneously saying no one has the right to get involved in her family dramas or comment on it. It’s a double-standard.
And next week I think she’s going to maybe lose it or something – I don’t know, but I feel she’s been very out of line with Teresa’s family this season. Maybe she’s over it completely ( I can sympathize) and I know Bravo is hiding pivotal information from us, but still it’s getting ridiculous and she is looking like a huge hypocrite.
Kathy is all spun up following Caroline’s talking-to and over dinner Teresa makes a toast to getting along better with her brother and Melissa, she thanks the Lauritas for inviting them, and says she loves everyone here. And just like that Kathy is iced out of the special recognition toast and takes it very personally.
Kathy refuses to raise her glass, sits there Caroline-faced (i.e. glaring and furious, but silent) and everyone in Camp Caroline starts to snipe and murmur about how Teresa intentionally left Kathy out of the toast and doesn’t care about her. Kathy gets to act like she is the bigger person by not mentioning it and the Manzos continue to poke the bear… poke, poke, poke.
Teresa seems oblivious – or she can tell something is going on but doesn’t know what – I’m not sure. Or maybe it was intentional – she’s so crazy one can never tell. Kathy says she is embarrassed to be left-out, Richie says Teresa is a “f–king loser.” And speaking of losers, Juicy says cheese makes him poop.
What a beautiful setting for such shitty behavior.
So that’s it… quite the doozy! Next week both Teresa and Caroline are scheduled to appear on WWHL following the episode’s explosive fight.
[Photo Credit: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – DID TERESA AND JOE DO “IT” IN THE VINEYARD? WAS CAROLINE STIRRING THE POT? DID TERESA INTENTIONALLY LEAVE KATHY OUT OF THE TOAST?