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Rachel Trueheart is devastated by Michael Stagliano‘s shocking exit on Bachelor Pad. She’s sobbing… she was falling in love with Michael… her life is ruined… blah, blah, blah. Like all other break ups between reality TV stars who have known each other for approximately 18 days, it’s nauseating.

Jaclyn Swartz is busy consoling Rachel when Chris Harrison returns to the mansion with news about the rest of the game. First, though, he reminds the remaining fame whores love seekers people that Bachelor Pad is a game. Chris explains: They will play the rest of the game as couples. Nick Peterson and Rachel are the only two contestants without partners, so they are forced to pair up.

Blakeley Jones, Jaclyn, and Ed Swiderski are upset that Chris Bukowski survived elimination last week, thanks to a bogus twist. Of course, on the other side of Bachelor Pad, Chris and Sarah Newlon are celebrating their good fortune. Game on!

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Bachelor Pad Spelling Bee

Not spelling, they cry! You can see the panic on their faces and the beads of sweat rolling down their foreheads. Chris Harrison explains to the pairs that they’ll be spelling their words by alternating letters. He also introduces the judges – three really smart kids.

The words in round one are a joke – love, rose, kiss, sexy, and heart.

Kalon is confident that he and Lindzi Cox are going to win this challenge.

The first couple to tackle round two is Blakeley and Tony Pieper. And, they’re the first couple to get a ding of the bell from the smart kids. Together, they fail to spell engagement ring. Mr. Confidence, aka Kalon, gets tripped up by jewelry and rose ceremony, giving him and Lindzi two strikes.

Very quickly, Tony/Blakeley and Kalon/Lindzi are eliminated from the competition. The smart kids are disgusted. Blakeley is annoyed. She asks, “Who spells anymore?”  Wow. The level of dumb… I mean, yes, thank goodness we have those spellculators to do the work for us. PSA to all the smart kids in the world: Just say no to reality TV. The next couple eliminated is Nick and Rachel.

Ed and Jaclyn and Chris and Sarah are the final two couples. Ed/Jaclyn have zero strikes and Chris/Sarah have one strike. Ed and Jaclyn get two strikes right away, failing to spell aphrodisiac and boutonniere. Chris and Sarah correctly spell philanderer but mess up on titillating. The game is now tie.  Ed and Jaclyn misspell flabbergasted. Chris and Sarah miss their next word, so the two couples enter sudden death. Chris and Sarah must spell serendipity for the win. They nail it, everyone else groans.  Since Chris and Sarah are safe, the alliance is forced to eliminate one of their own.

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Chris and Sarah win the spelling bee. They’re safe from elimination and get to go on an overnight date. As the runners up, Jaclyn and Ed also get to enjoy an overnight date.

Dates

Chris and Sarah fly into the middle of wine country. A train takes them to a picnic lunch. Chris admits he made a mistake by playing both Blakeley and Jamie.. but he’s still a slimy jerk. Sarah can’t help but to wonder if Chris is ready for a romantic relationship, so soon after “breaking up” with Emily Maynard. Is she being serious? Oh, but wait… Chris confirms Sarah’s greatest fear. Chris says, “There’s a little part of me that is still hanging onto what I did have with Emily. I’m still trying to figure out how long it takes for a broken heart to heal.” That’s laughable.

Going into dinner, Chris wants to talk about Emily and Sarah wants to know if Chris is with her for the right reasons. Well, in all fairness, she just barely fell out of Ed’s bed – and Chris’s bed before confirming any crazy thoughts about ‘the right reasons.”  Expecting her to think perhaps Chris playing Blakeley and Jamie speaks volumes about Chris’s character and motives is asking too much. Before Emily, Chris’s last relationship was in his sophomore year of high school.

Bachelorette Chris Bukowski returns… the grown-ass man who says all the right things. I’m convinced he has multiple personalities. Sarah thinks they have “something real.” Chris and Sarah spend the rest of the night rolling in the hay.

Meanwhile, back at the Pad, Rachel resumes falling apart. Jaclyn describes her as a “stage seven” earthquake. Nick is stressing… he needs to keep Rachel focused. If she ruins her game, she ruins his game. Once Rachel gets her head back in the game, Jaclyn, Blakeley, and Rachel decide it’s time for Lindzi and Kalon to leave Bachelor Pad.

Leading into Ed and Jaclyn‘s date, the other women in the house cannot believe Jaclyn is actually going out with Ed after he told her he doesn’t have any romantic interest. Ed and Jaclyn take a plane to an island. Jaclyn is tired of being burned by men, yet she’s still hopeful that Ed will fall for her.

Ed and Jaclyn talk about the rose ceremony and where things stand now. Ed tells Jaclyn that he’s been pursuing a lady back home. Ed and his lady friend are very close; however, they mutually decided that Ed would come on the Bachelor Pad as a drunken bachelor because “hooking up” is part of the process. (No worries, lady friend, Ed says he still has strong feelings for you! He’s a keeeper!) Seems as if Jaclyn just got burned. Again. Raise your hand if you saw that coming!

Jaclyn says Ed came into Bachelor Pad “acting a certain way,” which translates to sleeping around. Jaclyn is now conflicted because Ed tells her he’s in a relationship back at home.  Jaclyn still doesn’t understand, saying Ed’s actions and words don’t match. Dinner is awkward. Ed doesn’t think it’s necessary to declare their “BP” relationship status. Jaclyn tells Ed, “you’re making me feel like an insignificant piece of s**t.”

Jaclyn doesn’t want to look like a whore and Ed doesn’t want to look like an a**hole. So, naturally, they agree to keep sharing a bed. They even seal it with a kiss.

Tony surprises Blakeley with an impromptu date at the mansion. Blakeley talks like a baby and Tony wants to take care of Blakeley… sounds like a perfect match. Blakeley reminds Tony that she has tons of trust issues. Tony wants to be the man who breaks through her walls. Blakeley hopes he’s her night in shining armor.

Rose Ceremony

Ed and Jaclyn return from their date with two roses. They’re free to give the roses to the couple of their choice. Let the begging and scheming begin! Each couple takes their turn sucking up to Ed and  Jaclyn. In the end, Ed and Jaclyn give the roses to Blakeley and Tony.

Nick is caught off guard. He sees Blakeley and Tony as huge threats, and he can’t understand why they’d willingly keep two threats in the game.

Kalon says, “I have no idea where Ed and Jaclyn’s heads are at, giving Tony and Blakeley the rose. Just because Lindzi and I aren’t emotional alcoholics who run around here hammered crying about our feelings doesn’t mean we don’t want this.”

Going into the rose ceremony, Chris/Sarah and Tony/Blakeley already have roses. The three couples in danger are Kalon/Lindzi, Ed/Jaclyn, and Rachel/Nick.

The alliance previously agreed to vote out Kalon and Lindzi. Kalon is complaining because they’ve “played ball” this whole time and now they’re most likely going home. “Play ball” means lying in bed with Lindzi and causing trouble at the rose ceremonies, apparently. Kalon targets Nick and Rachel because they’re not a real couple. Tony and Blakeley are torn. Tony is leaning towards Lindzi and Kalon and Blakeley is leaning towards Rachel and Nick. Nick comes in, realizing their vote is not set in stone, and then Tony and Nick argue about the vote.

Rachel is crumbling again… her partnership with Nick cannot compare to the amazing thing she shared with Michael. <insert eye rolls> Rachel calls Michael on the pone. Nick is livid.

Jaclyn and Ed get roses.

The last two roses go to Rachel and Nick.

Lindzi and Kalon are leaving the Bachelor Pad. Kalon walks Lindzi to her limo, kisses her goodbye, and makes his way to his own limo. Kalon’s limo suddenly stops… he joins Lindzi inside her limo. Kalon shares, “I haven’t had feelings like this, honestly, ever. It is a completely different kind of emotion and attraction than I’ve ever experience before. I never thought I’d find that here.”  How sweet.

WHO ARE YOU ROOTING FOR?

Photo credit: ABC

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