Before I start this Jersey Shore recap, I have to tell y'all that I used to love this show. It was entertaining. I adored that Vinny Gaudagnino and Pauly Delvecchio had a true bromance. I cringed at Ronnie Ortiz-Magro and Sammi Giancola's volatile relationship. I loved that Jenni Farley and Nicole Polizzi were like sisters, and I enjoyed the dynamic of crazy meatball Deena Cortese. And Mike Sorrentino was there too.
However, this show seems to have run its course. I am not saying I want it to end, and I still love how much these crazy orange kids care for one another, but seriously? Two hours? Something's got to give, MTV. Something has GOT to give.
Last night's episode begins as Snooki is moving into her own apartment right next door. Jenni and Pauly help her pack up her stuff and head over to her cute "granny shack." Jenni is still floored that the girl who hooked up with everyone (and peed on almost everyone), will be responsible for another human life. Rawn comes over as well to check out Snook's new digs.
Mike chats with his sister on the duck phone and reveals he's going to a check-up and may get a shot to block opiates and alcohol. His sister urges him to get the shot, but he doesn't want to be reminded of such a bad place in his life. The Situation feels like his family and friends don't trust him. His sister corrects him…they are just concerned and want the best for him. Mike decides to get the shot.
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Much like all of her cast mates, Deena is a totally different person…and I don't mean just the plastic surgery! She's talking baby talk to boyfriend Chris on the phone and convinces him to come up for the night to cuddle. Vinny questions Mike's doctor's visit. Vinny is like his sobriety coach. Sammi, Vinny, and Mike (butt ice compress in tow) head to work at the Shore Store. Danny is busting on Mike for being so lazy at work, which worries Vinny. He can tell that Mike is in a lot of pain.
Back at the house, Deena is super excited that Chris is coming. Snooki is so proud of her friend for losing weight and finding love. At the Shore Store, Danny calls Mike a slacker, but Mike can't believe that he made the effort to come into work instead of calling in sick after his shot. After his non-roommate co-workers continue to razz him, he storms out of the shop. Danny is disappointed to see him freak out like that, given that they're all adults, but Vinny doesn't think the teasing is good for a vulnerable Mike. He goes to check on his friend who has gone home to go to bed. Vinny urges Mike not to get worked up over something as trivial as their summer t-shirt selling gig.
Deena and Chris head out on a very romantical date. This dinner is all Deena baby talk about farting and how compatible the couple is together. Holy heck, we're only twenty minutes into the two hours? After dinner, the pair heads home to cuddle. They are challenged to a game of beer pong by Ronnie and Sam, and Vinny and Pauly watch with glassy eyes. They are as bored as I am. Mike invites Paula over, and Rawn tries really hard to convince us he doesn't care about losing to beer pong. Jenni prods Mike to be exclusive with Paula. She teases the couple about making their relationship Facebook official. With his new sobriety, Mike doesn't think it's that simple. Paula won't pressure him, that's for sure.
The following morning, Deena won't let Chris leave without multiple kisses, and she's feeling nauseous. Sammi thinks she must be lovesick. At work, Deena can't get over how badly her stomach hurts. After vomiting in the Shore Store bathroom, Sammi is concerned she's about to have two preggers roommies. Deena is worried that she has toxic shock syndrome, so Jenni tells her to read the pamphlet in her tampon box. So this is what we've been reduced to? Tampons, babies, and sobriety? Perhaps the gang I love so much should have gone out on the high note of season five. Deena calls her mom, and she's in tears. Her mother can't understand her behavior. She tells her daughter to go hang out with her friends and stop making herself so miserable. Sammi wants the fun-loving crazy Deena back, and she totally understands what her friend is going through. Sammi even promises to try to be a meatball substitute. Meanwhile, Rawn is frustrated because Sammi is late for their dinner date due to consoling Deena. He needs to get over himself.
Vinny and Pauly head to Snooki's apartment to invite her and Jionni to join them at the Captain Hook's after their date. Jionni arrives with a box to stock Snooki's fridge. That is super sweet! At dinner, Sam is still trying to placate Ronnie. He's not budging. He also believes that Chris is going to lose patience with Deena's obsession. At Steaks Unlimited, Snooki and Jionni discuss when they should start planning their wedding.
At Captain Hook's, Jenni, Mike, Deena, Pauly, and Vinny are blowing off some steam with some bar games. Walking home, Snooki opines about what a difference a year can make. Now her dream evening is holding hands and talking about her rapidly growing nipples. Back at the bar, the gang is excited to sing some karaoke. As a joke, the put in Amy Winehouse's Rehab for Mike to sing. Is there going to be a Situation? Too soon? Mike is actually a good sport about it, and his roommates have a great laugh! Everyone loves sober Mike, and he's hoping this is going to be a good summer for him.
The following day, Jionni is heading to Florida, and Snooki is worried he's going to meet a skinnier, non-pregnant meatball. Rawn, Pauly, and Vinny decide to kick it on Snooki's porch. When Snooki and Jionni arrive back at her apartment, he and Vin have an awkward non-exchange. Vinny refuses to shake his hand which makes Pauly and Ronnie's embraces of Jionni stick out even more. Sam and Jenni bring food over to Snooks to get her out of her funk.
Pauly and Vinny are up on the top deck hanging out when they happen to look out onto the boardwalk. A Jersey Shore mega-fan is waiting for them to notice her before she flashes her boobs. Are we at Mardi Gras? The guys can't believe their good fortune, and they run downstairs to inform their housemates. Snooki, for one, can't wait to see, so she and Deena hightail it upstairs. At Snooki's urging, the woman then flashes her crotch to the crew. Well, congrats lady! You've made it on MTV with a privacy bar across your business! The woman wants to come up to the house to meet the cast. Vinny and Pauly go outside to meet her and get her number. She flashes them yet again after they get her number.
Back inside, Vinny confesses the reason behind his celibacy vow. He has met a girl back home, and he doesn't want to randomly hook up unless he meets someone who makes him feel better than she does. He's just beyond presh. Pauly realizes that he's the only single person in the house. Vinny maintains he is still single, he's just not going to be a man whore this summer. Snooki is so proud.
Jenni is planning a surprise birthday party for Roger. Vinny helps her pick out party favors and supplies. The house heads to Jimbo's to await Roger's arrival. They wait, and wait, and wait, and wait. Jenni is not happy. Roger shows up to his party over an hour late…and thirty minutes before he has to leave. It's very tense and awkward. When Roger agrees to stay later than his self-imposed curfew, Jenni stops sulking, and the party begins. Snooki is thrilled to be on the dance floor, and her roommates try to make her feel more comfortable by shoving balloons up their shirts. The crew decides to ride a mechanical bull. Rawn is horrible at it. Deena breaks off a horn. Par for the course.
Mike and Snooki are working together at the Shore Store. She doesn't feel well, and she gets increasingly annoyed when the Situation offers help or sympathy. She reminds him that they are no longer friends, and he can't believe she's being so cold. Frankly, I can't either! Snooki tells him that she doesn't hate him, she just doesn't want to forgive him just because he's now clean. Mike dips out of work, and Danny doesn't appear to be happy about it. Snooki shares her conversation with Mike with Jenni, and she explains what it would take for her to be okay with Mike…and it's a major apology. Jenni admits that his sobriety pity party is wearing on her nerves.
The guys spend the afternoon cruising the boardwalk, and they run into some of Pauly's friends. Roger apologizes to Jenni by sending two dozen pink roses to the Shore Store. He also sends a red rose to Rawn for good measure. Hilarious! Deena wants to audition Danny to fill in as meatball, so she convinces him to duck out of work for a while. Danny is easily corrupted into being the sausage to her meatball. The guys arrive at the bar with Roger in tow, and Danny hightails it out of there. He just can't hang. Deena wins a giant blue ball on the boardwalk, and it is funny to watch her drunkenly wrestle with it. There is a lot of falling. In a quick snippet, we learn that baby Lorenzo's middle name will be Lucius. Pauly hopes the kid is able to keep that under raps!
Pauly has the season's new catchphrase, "Kickin' it on Snooki's po-orrch!" Snooki is sad to hear that Jenni is bar hopping with Deena when she never used to do that with her. Vinny and Pauly invite her to Bamboo, but she isn't going to risk going to that place…someone always gets hurts. Foreshadowing much? The revelers and Deena's blue ball arrive back at the shore house. The roommates are having a good time at Bamboo when Mike is approached by some dude who says he used to hang with him a few summers ago. Mike says that maybe he did, but he doesn't remember. The guy is relentless about getting Mike to remember their fun times when Pauly and his friends intervene. The guy approaches Pauly's friend asking why he doesn't want him around Mike…doesn't Pauly's friend realize that creepy guy and Mike went to high school together? Um. Creepy guy then threatens Pauly's friend who basically throws him at a bouncer. Jenni thinks it's the funniest thing she's ever seen. Pauly's friend hopes he didn't overstep his bounds, but the dude was creepy.
All of a sudden, total hell breaks loose. The gang is trying to stick together, with Vinny trying to fight his way to Pauly, until he realizes that Pauly is behind him. Jenni is trying to calm a belligerent Roger, and he pushes her out of the way. Sammi can't believe what she's seeing. It's madness.
Next week, Jenni may have suffered a fracture from the brawl, and a very wasted Deena gets arrested.
TELL US-WHAT DID YOU THINK OF LAST NIGHT'S EPISODE? IS TWO HOURS ONE HOUR TOO MANY?
[Photo Credit: MTV]