Shahs of Sunset is back, and the ratings, insults, hair and boobs, and fights are bigger than ever. Last week's season two premiere ended with an explosive fight between Golnesa "GG" Gharachedaghi and Asa Soltan Rahmati.
At the Zoom Room, a social club for L.A.'s richest dogs, GG and Mercedes "MJ" Javid discuss the disastrous dinner party. GG dismisses anything negative or raunchy that MJ has to say about her behavior the night before. GG claims she doesn't remember anything that happened, including her new guy's hand up her skirt at the dinner table, but she remembers every single word Asa said. That's some tricky whiskey.
Taking the high road, GG says she should have toasted to Asa's non-lipoed, blubber ass.
Moving on, over dinner, Asa tells her parents that she has moved back into her house
because she's broke. Without missing a beat, Asa's mom tells her to get a job. Asa says, "Are you serious right now? I'm a Persian Pop Priestess. That's my job." Mom asks, "What the hell is that?" I'd like to know, too.
Asa laments, "If you're not a lawyer, doctor, or engineer, you're a slave in my parents' eyes." Asa's mom begs Asa to go back to school, to get her PhD. Asa says she has three PhDs – Persian. Pop. Priestess. Needless to say, mom isn't impressed with her credentials.
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Speaking of credentials, Lilly Ghalichi loves to talk about her own achievements/awesomeness. Once upon a time, Lilly did the "good little Persian girl" thing – she went to law school, graduated top of her class, and became a lawyer. But, alas, being a lawyer wasn't sexy enough for Lilly, so she now designs swimgerie – bikinis meet lingerie sexy. Shockingly, Lilly's conservative family is embarrassed by her barely-there bikinis business.
Lilly's foofer nutter peanut butter cootie lover assistant, Jill, is in charge of keeping the swimsuits coochie juice free. I'll spare you the uncomfortably long segment about crotch juice. Where's coconut? This episode needs more coconut and less coochie.
We go from Lilly's coochie juice talk to MJ trimming her dad's ear and nose hairs… seriously, Bravo? Gross grooming aside, MJ and her dad are really cute together. MJ dyes his hair… purple… and says that she and her dad are best friends. Given the vile thing that is her mother, I'm glad MJ and her dad have a loving relationship.
Next, Reza Farahan meets Lilly for lunch. Right away, he starts in with the "bitch" talk that irks me, saying, "I cannot even focus on this skinny bitch right now. She has a Rolex on that's bigger than she is and it's all iced out."
Reza asks Lilly what she thought about his friends after the dinner party. Lilly says she'd like to send them all to AA and Promises. Lilly adds, "I look at those girls and it makes me realize how f-ing fabulous I really am. I'm smart. I'm successful. I'm beautiful. I get to be Lilly Ghalichi and that's pretty f-ing amazing." When I really look at Lilly, I see Cher and Kim Kardashian's love child.
Lilly tells Reza she wants no part of the Persian L.A. scene if that's how it is all the time. Reza would like for Lilly to re-meet his friends but advises her to stay away from Asa's upcoming pool party. Lilly agrees, saying she's not mentally ready to subject herself to that kind of drunken behavior again.
Mike Shouhed takes new girlfriend Jessica out to dinner. Mike tells us that she's super cute, super cool, young, fun… and rich… however, Jessica is neither Persian nor Jewish. Still, Mike invites Jessica to dinner with his family. Jessica has reservations about meeting the fam. Mike tries to calm her nerves, saying, "As you get to know my family, they'll see what I see in you and you'll see what I see in them. Eventually, everyone will love each other."
Asa look like she's stuck in 1987 this episode. Debbie Gibson called; she wants her hat back.
Apparently, one of the duties of a Persian Pop Priestess is to subject friends to the Persian Psychic. For what it's worth, I Googled the Persian Psychic, because Asa challenged me to, and all I got was a bunch of mush-faced cats. Anyway, the psychic tells Reza – if he doesn't stop being a whore and settle down, he's going to suffer from a broken heart. While Asa thinks this is a profound reading, Reza seems less impressed. He says, "Did this crazy Persian bitch just bust me on my sex life and not try to talk about my future?"
After the psychic leaves, Reza tells Asa that he's suffering from a gay life crisis. Does he want to party or settle down? Should he be wearing daisy dukes (umm, no) or flannel shirts? Should he be driving a Ferrari or a Volvo? Reza claims he wants to be madly in love, and Asa asks Reza if his new boyfriend Adam is the one. Reza admits that he wants to date Adam and do what he wants on the side. It totally sounds like he's ready for mad love, doesn't it?
Long overdue, MJ decides to talk to a therapist about her family/men issues. Dr. Michelle's facial expressions are frightening, but she gives MJ good advice. She tells MJ that she's "stuck" as a result of her parents' divorce. MJ shares, "I want to shatter this foggy glass that's right in front of me." Dr. Michelle advises MJ to find her own identity.
Next, Reza and Adam attend a cooking class. Yikes! Cooking class doesn't appear to be going well. Reza cracks jokes, getting a lot of attention, and Adam looks on the verge of tears. Adam also takes offense when Reza doesn't know how long they've been dating. Reza says that he likes Adam, mostly because he's skinny with a big butt, but he worries about Adam's lack of passion. Reza says, "Would my internal flame dim without that crazy passion in my life?"
Next, flaming desserts for the gays. Reza cracks more jokes; Adam drinks more wine.
While she's getting ready for the pool party, GG calls a friend, to fill her in on the big nose drama. GG tells friend that she plans to calmly talk to Asa about the incident, and friend tells GG to do that before she gets drunk. GG laughs a ridiculously fake laugh… haha, my alcoholism is so funny, haha.
Wow. What a pool party. There's a red carpet, mixed drinks, face painting, a DJ… and Little Debbie Zebra Cakes. Seems legit. Also, ladies walking around with tiger and zebra stripes painted on their bodies and a guy who face planted into the pool. That was a rough landing.
I would have said it coudln't be done, but Asa manages to find a larger and tackier gold bow to wear on her head. Asa and Reza drink to Asa's Cartier Santos sunglasses, boasting, "Who live like this?!"
Reza and Mike talk business. Mike is all like, Dude, by the end of the day, I'm going to make 40K on 4 deals. Reza is all like, Child, please. I just made 40K on one deal. Mike is all like, I hate you. Reza tells Mike that he's wasting his time on commercial real estae, adding, "You're hot as hell. Your personality is amazing. Mike – me and you – we could take over Beverly Hills." And, in a shocking turn of events, Reza throws MJ under the bus. He says he needs a hustler, and that's not MJ. Mike is totally on board, saying, "Forget MJ."
The very second that GG and Omid walk into the party, she asks for whiskey. There goes the planned calm and adult-like conversation. Asa and Omid talk about the dinner party. They seem sincere. Unfortunately, GG has already downed a bottle of whiskey by then, and it all goes to hell. GG tries to add her opinions, gets annoyed when everyone talks over her, and loses her mind. GG slurs, "It really kind of hurt my feelings when you said 'let's toast to Omid's big nose.'" While GG goes on and on about her personal nose issues, Omid's nose twitches so much it looks like he has fleas. Asa is like, Is this really happening right now?
Asa demands, "How many times have you heard me say I love big noses?" MJ deadpans, "Never." Asa and Reza freak, when MJ sides with GG. Reza tells MJ that she's tripping and flees the party. Asa sets the record straight: she's very invested in the Persian Nose Business. What? Persian Pop Priestess… Persian Nose Business.. I just don't get her!
GG finishes her drink, tosses her cup into the bushes (classy), and looks like she wants to cut Asa's throat. Asa tells GG that her constant drama is getting old, saying, "We're having a lovely pool party. Why are you tripping? Omid's nose has nothing to do with you. I toasted his nose because I like it." GG aks MJ to back her up, but Asa dismisses MJ, saying she's just being GG's little sidekick. Asa is obviously disgusted that MJ isn't turning against GG and flocking to her, like Reza and Mike have.
And… it's on. GG takes out her gold hoops,
whips out Crispy, and gets in Asa's face. GG threatens to f**k Asa's ass up; Asa tells GG she's gonna toss her like a salad. The party guests, zebra and tiger girl especially, can't get enough of the show. MJ tries to pull GG away, but she falls over. GG sounds like a broken record, repeating the same threat, and Asa says GG looks like a toothpick wearing a wig. Just as GG storms at Asa with a chair, Mike steps in and pulls GG away.
Mike says GG is acting drunk, absurd, and disgusting. Asa goes to play some ball with the guys, saying, "I'm done. I'm don't have time for any petty bullshit from crazy people." GG takes off towards Asa once more, but Omid picks her up and carries her away from the house. Asa dismisses MJ when she wants to talk, adding that she's two-faced. MJ asks Asa why she can't admit that she's mean to people. Asa says to MJ, "You're drunk."
In my opinion, Asa is self-absorbed and passive aggressively rude. She plays it off, saying she's just keeping it real. I think Asa takes great joy in poking GG, the big drunk bear. Meanwhile, GG needs a reality check and serious help with her dependency issues.
Asa concludes, "I'm raw, true. Mean… I am not."
Next week, more fighting, but it looks like MJ get hurt this time.
TELL US – TEAM ASA, TEAM GG, OR TEAM GET THIS TRASH OFF MY TV?
Photo credit: Bravo / Debbie Gibson's Facebook