Oh good lord! So last night we visited the asylum on Real Housewives of Atlanta. Sometimes I just don't even know what to think with the level of delusion of these Housewives. It's like they live in an alternate universe – one I certainly never want to be abducted to – where sanity and decorum is reversed. Heaven help us, but at least we now know the secret of Kenya Moore's "highly coveted" booty: falsies!
So last night things begin with Kenya showing off how she gets her award winning body: the gym. Hmmm… Kenya may have had an award winning body in 1945 when she was Miss USA but um… now she has Photoshop,
lipo scars, and Kim K knock-off prosthetic booty and if she thinks that's not obvious, than well… errrrr… yeah.
Kenya and her trainer workout and slam Phaedra Parks for looking less than workout video ready and then Kenya complains that Phaedra is slamming her all over town. Look, ladies – you're both guilty of same thing.
Phaedra is going the glamour route. All work and and no play makes a booty dull. She's doing a donkey booty photo shoot with a celebrity photographer. Thankfully she left her pickles at home and is instead wearing an outfit reminiscent of a pickle. Oh Phaedra – for all your so-called highbrow connections you can't find a stylist?
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Cynthia Bailey is expanding her empire. Screw modeling she's taking over the pageant world now! Please tell me she's not headed for some horrific Toddlers In Tiaras spinoff. She consults with some big-time Atlanta pageant planner named Cy – (not Kenya?! My stars!) and learns that anything with a Miss in front of it will get 60 zillion hopefuls in possession of a David's Bridal rental gown lining up and shelling out the bucks to enroll.
Cynthia likes the sound of this – girls got bills to pay! Cy wants Cyn to focus on the young ones and prime them for a life of false hopes. 'Look at Kenya,' he cackles! Somewhere, silently, Phaedra let out an "mmmmm-hmmmm" while stroking her law school diploma.
So when is the big fight going to happen when Kenya freaks out that Cynthia didn't hire her for her expertise in the pageant world? 'Four-score and 400 years ago Kenya once competed in the most illustrious of pageant competitions – you may have heard of it; Miss Donald Trump's Armcandy Pageant – there she was crowned…' – and promptly forgotten – and nobody cares… including Cynthia who obviously is smart enough to figure out what side of her bread is buttered and not involve Kenya in her business ever again!
Bitch – hands off my crown!
Instead Cynthia recruits Porsha Stewart to join her in planning the future pageant to the stars, namely because what else does Porsha have to do and I bet Cynthia thinks she's easy to manipulate. Wrong! Porsha is no one's girl Friday and seems to think she's there to add credibility and prestige to the whole affair.
Cynthia decides to call her pageant Miss Renaissance, jousting optional. They meet with Cy again who whips out the sample crown and all rational thought flies from the heads of Cynthia and Porsha as they both grab for it and fight over who gets to squish it onto their own heads.
Eyes glowing, Porsha dons the crown, hops up and begins to twirl around – she better watch it Kenya will sue her for copyright infringement. Porsha is about to flee the premises and take that Claire's Boutique prom tiara with her.
After she recovers from her fantasy world in which for just a moment she had Kenya's life as a Miss something, she plops down next to Cynthia and volunteers to provide the entertainment portion of the pageant. Miss Porsha's gonna sing… <crickets>. More on this later… Cynthia is really wishing she hired Kandi Burruss right about now, isn't she?
It seems everyone is trying to recruit Porsha to her team because Kenya, having a change of heart, has invited her to "lunch" so she can tell Porsha all about what a terrible person Phaedra is and how Porsha is just a stupid pawn Phaedra is manipulating. How to win friends and influence people right there folks!
Porsha sits down, affixes a wide-eyed innocent stare on her face, and for all of six seconds listens to Kenya's diatribe, but then she gets bored and reminds Kenya that Anguilla happened and she is not about to let anyone forget!
She came expecting an apology. And it become more transparent than a Gone With The Wind Fabulous negligee that Kenya is here with the desperate intentions of trying to woo her onto her team. Porsha apparently is less stupid than we give her credit for although the girl did say "congloberation." What exactly is a congloberation?
Is that what they injected into Kenya's butt?
Kenya calls Porsha stupid and immature and Porsha has had it. "Bye Ashy!" she yells prancing off to her luxury SUV. Kenya, smoking like molten lava is about to turn to ash and tells us Porsha's outfit was ugly and made her look like a little girl. I guess I'm declasse, but I thought Porsha looked cute – and sneakers are really good for storming out of lunches with insane people. Better than ashy feet, anyway!
Kenya feels confident that she can remedy at least one of her myriad of skin complications with a little lotion. And Team Twirly, Gone With The Wind Crazy, You Say I'm Drunk I Say I'm Fabulous, Ashy, Stallion Booty is rapidly dwindling. And soon there will be one.
In LA, NeNe Leakes has left the pedestrian world of RHOA behind. And since she has a new fabulous house to decorate she needs new fabulous furniture. Cue the LA version of Cy: fake tan, gelled hair, muscle shirt. NeNe and Gregg wander around this massive furniture store and she talks her new career and her Emmy hopes. LA-Cy is like 'Ok, girl – whatever you say – about this sofa here, do you want it?' Gregg asks him if he can get two pepperoni pizzas are included with the purchase of a $10,000 armchair.
Then NeNe meets with her acting coach who has also trained Jennifer Aniston and Diane Lane, but who can't train her dogs. They discuss the character of Rocky and the coach challenges her to channel her inner white woman. Am I the only one who thinks NeNe's inner white woman is Kim Zolciak?
After all the drama with Kenya and Porsha, Kandi has invited all the ladies to dinner at a Moroccan restaurant. Oh goodness – Morocco gets a bad name from all these Housewives shows. Leave that poor country alone and out of your nonsense drama!
Kenya was invited, but wisely opted to avoid the enemy lair. NeNe is in LA, but Cynthia arrives if only to stir the pot and instigate. She immediately turns to Phaedra and asks her what's going on with Donkey Vs. Stallion. Phaedra tells of her progress working with the people who produced Jane Fonda and Kim K's videos (not the sex tape – she apparently has a workout video too??).
And another thing that crazy, binge-drinking Kenya has nothing on her because Phaedra has connections. I mean even with Joe Biden – does he want a donkey booty? Phaedra has no concerns about Miss Lithium 1912 showing her up and getting her video out first, because well the president of Ghana is going to personally endorse her.
Cynthia, seemingly losing her brain sometime in the last few weeks, tells us she doesn't think it's right that Phaedra is talking about Kenya behind her back when Kenya isn't there to defend herself. Um… Cynthia: you were talking crap about Kenya plenty of times before. Coochie Crack ring a bell? Maybe Kenya has been rubbing off on Cynthia in a bad way cause she is clearly developing a case of the delusionals!
Speaking of delusionals, Porsha insists she can sing and she is soooooo excited to perform at Cynthia's pageant. And here comes the next RHOA single! Porsha jubilantly describes her voice as Mary J. Blige mixed with Beyonce and Rihanna. Does everyone on this show think they are Beyonce? I thought Porsha was Solange? Apparently the secret is out that it is she who thinks she is the real faux Beyonce and Kenya better back off.
Kandi, who is sick of every single person in Atlanta claiming they can sing, asks the future Kim Z to demonstrate her Porshonce skills. And cue Porsha claiming she's gotta a cold and
her voice is ashy isn't ready. Being challenged by the whole table she gives into peer pressure and is about to bust out into song when the belly dancers show up and thwart her attempt.
After getting together with the rest of the girls, Cynthia puts on her Russell Simmons costume and meets Kenya for a game of golf. Golf consists of aimlessly swinging the clubs around while Cynthia's true intentions are revealed. She immediately fills Kenya in on the conversation she had with Phaedra over dinner and reveals that Phaedra accused Kenya of being an alcoholic and chemically imbalanced – and claims she was giving Kenya an opportunity as a friend and didn't really need her services.
Now I do not think Phaedra should be saying these things about Kenya. It makes her look spiteful and petty – and it's just inappropriate, but I do think Kenya's actions speak for themselves. And so do Cynthia's! Isn't she supposed to be a friend of Phaedra's? Wasn't she telling us that they have worked through their issues? And now she is running to Kenya to spill her guts like this is eighth grade.
Furthermore, Kenya needs to stop running around telling people she worked for free. Pitching an idea is NOT being contracted to work on a project.
So good job Cynthia for stirring the pot and making a bad situation worse. And now you too look like an ass – and how much money are you paying Porsha for running your pageant because you don't have time to do it? Uh-huh.
Kenya meets up with Lawrence. She defends her stallion booty as her being a businesswoman while insulting Phaedra's body some more and then tells Lawrence about all the things Phaedra has been saying about her. Lawrence looks like
he's been using Kenya's skin care line he'd rather die than be there and scrounges around for something bad to say about Phaedra. He claims she told people she didn't like guys in heels.
Kenya comes up with a plan to really take down Phaedra and demonstrate that crazy is as crazy does!
NeNe throws a charity event for the shoe line she did for Shoedazzle. All the proceeds from the Nethia design go to a domestic violence charity. Lawrence goes as Kenya's +1, which is a bad idea. In the car we get a glimpse of Kenya's hat – it is large and it reeks of an Easter parade. She is mimicking Phaedra's southern bell demeanor and peppering her conversation with plenty of mmmm-hmmms.
Lawrence needs to stop being so desperate for screen time. He's as much of a hasbeen as She By SheBroke!
Bless her heart – or should I say her booty…
Kenya and Lawrence sashay
away in and the room stops. GOOD LORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get that stallion locked up!
Kenya is wearing a big white floppy hat, a thong swimsuit and mesh cover-up and has adhered butt pads right over her butt cheeks. She is prancing around the room using a faux southern accent and Phaedra, to her credit, keeps her cool. NeNe, on the other hand, is really fighting to keep hers. After all, this is a charity event – HER charity event! "Bitch done lost it!" is right.
Now Kenya has found herself on Ms. Leakes' bad side. Plonk, bloop, and watch those eyes! Team Stallion dwindles to… Cynthia? I will say, The New NeNe was remarkably composed. The Old NeNe would have been shoving a shoedazzle up Kenya's thong!
That was a mess – first of all Kenya should give up hope of getting an acting gig out of this show, cause that display was embarrassing at best. Second of all, um… really? She's that desperate for screen time? And after calling Porsha immature she has sunk to the lowest low of immature into the straight up INSANE category. She is proving Phaedra right! Is this how she defines Gone With The Wind Fabulous?
Phaedra wonders just what is going on here with Miss Stallion. Kenya tries to laugh coquettishly – it fails – and the two get into it. Phaedra admits that she called Kenya crazy and drunk – and reminds her that she said it to Kenya's face! Ouch. Point: Phaedra
Then Kenya claims she has only come at Phaedra on a professional level, as a business woman, by taking a deal that was already there and using it, but not by insulting her as a person. No she just tried to rub up on Phaedra's husband and then steal her idea. Single White Female to the maximus, or I guess Single Black Female in this case!
Kenya announces Phaedra is telling people she did Kenya a favor by trying to hire her. Kenya squawks that she produces FILMS and Phaedra wants to know when and what? Point: Phaedra. Then Kenya says the last time Phaedra had a client was Bobby Brown. Is this true? If so, Point: Kenya
Phaedra points out that Kenya directly copied her and that's shameful and Kenya attempts to backpedal saying she was taking advantage of an opportunity she secured. Point: Phaedra
And finally, since she is losing ground and senses that NeNe is losing patience, Kenya throws out that she frankly doesn't think Phaedra's body is up to selling workout videos and she just doesn't look good. Point: No one.
The more Kenya tries to convince us she's not crazy the more sufficiently she fails.
And a special point for shock value alone goes to Kenya. First runner up, folks! Always a Miss WHO-S-A, never a Miss Universe!
Next week: Walter returns and apparently spills the dirt on his faux-lationship with Kenya!
TELL US – WHAT IS UP WITH CYNTHIA? WILL SHE REGRET HER DECISION TO TO TEAM KENYA? WHO WON THIS ANIMAL BOOTY ROUND: KENYA OR PHAEDRA? DO YOU THINK CYNTHIA'S PAGEANT WILL BE A SUCCESS?