Last night on Real Housewives of Atlanta we dealt with the ghosts of fauxlationships past when
Bravo the ladies did everything in their power to force a confrontation between former business partners boyfriend and girlfriend Kenya Moore and Walter Jackson. Much to my dismay, that did not happen. As a small consolation we got several delusional talking head rants from Kenya and one Kenyantrum.
Before any of that happened Porsha Stewart tried to navigate the nearly impossible task of taking a pregnancy test. EPT stands for Error Proof Test… until Porsha gets her hands on it! Girl actually thought you had to pee for two whole minutes instead of waiting 2 minutes for the results.
Porsha and Kordell poured over the instructions in panicked frustration for about an hour like it was a map to buried treasure. And Kontroll doesn't want to hire a nanny? Lord help us all… And correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't Porsha pregnant before? She has definitely done the whole pee on a stick song and dance. Anyway, she's not pregnant. And poor Porsha looked really sad to realize that once again the yams had not worked. All she got for her troubles was some orange poop and one completely apathetic Kontroll. Worst. Reaction. Ever.
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Moving on, Kandi Burruss is finally getting a real, live studio! From now on people won't be forced to record their Grammy winners in her basement. Kandi and her manager go check on the construction process and Kandi looks properly wowed that this is really happening. We all know Bravo is footing the bill so they have a legit place to film The Kandi Factory.
And out in NYC, the big leagues, Ms. NeNe Leakes is strutting her stuff in a huge round of TV appearances for The New Normal. NeNe tells us it's her duty to make people want to watch the show. And it's also her duty to show off the fabulosity that is her clorox hat (thanks Bryan!) and her sassy dress.
Whatever you want to say about NeNe she's a pro at sit-downs because she is engaging and funny. Unfortunately I'm a bit worried that the 'fame' has really started going to her head, but whatever who wouldn't ride this ride until it ran out of gas? Apparently, she has arrived and plans on winning an Emmy!
Back in hotlanta, Cynthia Bailey is looking through the hobbit cave that is her closet for a gown for Peter's Men's Health benefit. What exactly Peter has to do with healthy men, I have no idea, but apparently Papa Smurf has the sexual prowess of a man half his age so says Cynthia. And that is um… thanks Viagra!
You know, Cynthia's closet so depresses me. I feel like she has all these amazing clothes and they are just stuffed in some dark corner. Walter will be coming to the banquet because he and Peter are BFF and men's health experts or something. Oh and because they want Kenya to have a full-fledged meltdown in formal wear. Do ball gowns twirl as well as caftans? Let's find out!
Back at Kordorsha's Kingdom of Kontroll, Kordell is lecturing Porsha on how he doesn't control her but he is in control. Did anyone else drink every time Kordell said "control"?
Among the things Kontroll is in control of is is their house and marriage, but not Porsha. She can do what she wants, but she can't have a job and have a baby. He's the one collecting white meat or something while she'll have to be at home preparing it every night. No throwing benefits for her family's foundation and no nannies. How's that for kontroll?
This conversation made absolutely NO sense. First of all, it is not 1950 Kordell. Second of all, if he's 'in control' of their marriage and home and family; he's effectively in control of Porsha who is over there smudging her mascara crying on the sofa. Third of all – and most importantly – It was hard for me to take this conversation seriously with a giant blow-up photo of Kordorsha's face behind Kontroll's head!
Wigs-N-Cigs is so calling Porsha right now to figure out how to get one that big and close-up. Except she probably wants her nipple and Kroy's penis to be giantized and hung above the mantle. Anyway, I think Porsha is perturd by marital difficulties!
And now it's time to see some men's health in action at Peter's big to-do. Kandi's dress is awful – totally Dynasty, circa '86. Cynthia's suit – not feeling it. And then Walter shows up followed quickly by Kenyosity who is rocking a skintight white gown, some finger waves ala Beyonce, and some new man candy in the form of Jamal Anderson.
Kenya swoons in, shoves Jamal at everyone and tells us over and over again that he wants her. A point driven home by the fact that she kept shoving her boobs in his face. The other thing Kenya talked about at length was how annoying Walter was and how he has no business being there and that he was a big ol' loser.
Cynthia lets her know that Peter and Walter have become close and therefore he is a guest. Kenya is all like 'Who? Who's Walter – oh the Walter I've been talking about all night? That Walter… oh yeah – who cares? Can you believe that Walter?' Everyone reminds Kenya that Atlanta is an itty-bitty town and Walter will be around so she should get used to it.
Kenya got herself seated at the A-List table – right next to Porsha – and then told us Walter was seated in oblivion (at the table behind her). Kenya says Walter may come in handy if they get a flat tire and need a tow truck. Apparently they almost DID need that tow truck, because our buddy Jamal was arrested for a DUI last summer.
Over dinner, Kenya tells the ladies she is having an Iconic Black Women in Film costume party. Sounds fun, right? Well there's a catch – Kenya is assigning the costumes to the guests to make sure she gets to be the only Beyonce in the room. Cynthia gets to go as Diana Ross, Kandi as Tina Turner (no offense to Kandi… but where is she going to get Tina's legs?), and then she turns her attentions to Porsha who is blocking out all the annoying sounds in the background and just chewing, chewing, chewing.
Kenya launches into this whole big thing about even though Porsha didn't invite Kenya to HER party, she'll be the bigger
butt person and invite Porsha. And Porsha gets to be Halle Berry… as BAPS! And this is why I think Porsha is smarter than she lets on, because she kept it stone-faced and composed. Kenya so wanted her to jump up, throw some mashed potatoes, and pull a tantrum.
Anyway in BAPS, Halle plays a ghetto-fabulous dancer all done up in multi-colored weaves, long nails, and tacky clothes. I so hope Porsha shows up as Vanessa Williams – complete with Miss America sash and crown. Kenya pretends she was just trying to help Porsha embrace her fun side with the costume assignment. I think that was the shadiest invite ever. She should've just handed Porsha an umbrella to go along with it!
On the other side of the party Walter is going on and on about how he likes his ladies under the age of 30 and he has no idea why Krayonce thought they should be having sex. Tacky. Proving there can be mature exes, Leon, is co-hosting the event with Peter.
Kenya strolls up to Phaedra Parks and announces it is time to put donkey booty gate behind them and embrace a fully-fake relationship. They have a pleasant conversation and both agree to move forward. Nice – mature. Phaedra does worry Kenya will be back to stab her in the back at some point. Foreshadowing!
Kenya invites Phaedra to the party and just when I thought she was going to tell her to come as Madea, she gives her Ertha Kitt, which is perfect. That was nice Kenya.
Then Kenya leaves, swishing past Walter and complaining about his presence, insisting he is obsessed with her. Well, at least rent-a-date Jamal was hot! And Kenya's hair looked beautiful. For Kenya's iconic women in film party, do you think she'll come dressed as herself?
Kenya and Cynthia go shopping for costumes and the topic of conversation is… WALTER! Kenya believes Walter is gay because she has never seen the man with an erection and he was never interested in having sex. And she thought he was headed down the aisle with her? Girl… really?
Walter probably thought crazy was just as catching as an STD and kept it covered and protected in the form of never whipping it out. And if Kenya is so over him, stop talking about it and stop, for goodness sake, exposing embarrassing personal details that make you look just as bad!
Kenya says that Walter hasn't put a damper on her twirl and she's ready for the next victim!
Kandi is having a housewarming party for the new estate? Compound? Collection of mansions? And I have to admit, her house is fabulous. While the decor isn't totally my taste, it's quite a spread. Not bad for a used foreclosure, right Wigs?
Todd has invited Walter but Kandi had no idea he was coming until he waltzed through the door with
BAPS his 20-year-old date. I do not believe that for one minute, and although Kandi is entitled to invite whomever she pleases, she totally knew Walter was on the RSVP list.
Walter spends the entire party ignoring his date so he can gossip with the husbands. The men on RHOA are bigger drama starters than the ladies. Dial up the testosterone and leave the cattiness to the girls, please! Apollo heard Walter was planning to confront Kenya and cause a scene at the party. Is Walter the new Housewife?
And then of course Kenya shows up – late because the producers told her to – and Walter is milling around the party while all the ladies wait for the drama to erupt. Kandi pulls Kenya aside to tell her she had no idea Walter was there. And Kenya freaks out.
Kenya yells at Kandi, accuses her of staging it, says Walter is stalking her, and storms out of the party stamping her feet and cussing. Walter rushes over to his date to start caressing her thigh to further inflame things (ok – I made that up, but it probably happened). Meanwhile Cynthia reveals that Phaedra knew Walter was coming and therefore it is all Phaedra's fault that this occurred. How I'm not sure, but whatever.
And that was that. Next week Kenya continues to meltdown. Then Krayonce and Cynthia get into a fight over Walter.
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – JAMAL: ANOTHER RENT-A-BOYFRIEND OR LEGIT DATE? DO WE THINK WALTER IS GAY? WHY IS KENYA SO OBSESSED WITH WALTER?