Last night on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills finale, Lisa Vanderpump's lovely vow renewal/housewarming party was infiltrated by some serious thugs in cocktail dresses. Adrienne Maloof showed up not six minutes after announcing her separation on TMZ and then she sat in the middle of the party like a centerpiece bawling about the marriage she openly hated on national television. If only that Paul Nassif wasn't such a desperate attention seeking jerk!
Everyone thought Adrienne's eleventh hour appearance was a cry for attention, except for Kyle Richards who believed it to be a cry for help since Adrienne couldn't answer her phone that day unless your number was 1-800-TMZ1!
And Faye Resnick. Yes, she's STILL there. Once Brandi Glanville and Yolanda Foster flee her admonitions of how to be a lady, they hide behind a column and fill Lisa in on the nonsense. Lisa is not impressed. Marisa Zanuck comes over to get clarification on what a hallpass is and the ladies manage to resolve their issues. Things go much better in the shade than they do the blinding sun; the blinding glares were reflecting off Faye's extra-taut skin giving everyone temporary insanity.
Faye is hereby dubbed MC for short. MC, of course, stands for Morally Corrupt. Long-live the real Camille Grammer, never a girl to mince words and never a girl who forgets to be pernicious. I do believe Camille's smirking S1 Dinner Party From Hell face is right next to the definition in the dictionary.
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Meanwhile Taylor Armstrong is crying to Linda "My Face Stopped Moving When Bruce Divorced Me" Thompson about how she just wanted to be a good friend to her by hating on Yolanda. Apparently Taylor and Linda have been friends for years, way back since before she was Taylor and was only Shanna or something. I mean that's like 2 weeks, right?
Anyway what Taylor is really trying to say is the producers told her to hate Yolanda for a storyline. Except Yolanda pretty much didn't care and she solved that problem by ignoring Taylor completely. And then the Brandi/Adrienne debacle happened and no one much cared about ol' Taylor's drama. Story of her life, eh?! In the curious case of ex-wife drama vs. secret surrogate/lawsuit drama, surrogates and lawsuits win every time!
Things have seemingly turned around at the party, but then poor Lisa is accosted by the devil in a blue dress. Yes! More Faye! Faye starts with her passive aggressive nonsense again. She borrows a line from Splits last season and says dealing with Lisa is like playing chess. Do they teach chess at the Academy for the Morally Corrupt? Right then and there it settles over Lisa like an ice cold still… Kyle has been throwing her under the bus all along.
Lisa decides if MC wants to play chess, Lisa can play chess. And she's gotta a lot of queens she's moving around the board. Pawns are for amateurs. "Check mate, bitch." Lisa snaps. I think that needs to be the next Housewives song!
Check mate bitch, indeed. I think it's about time Lisa called "SECURITY" on MC. #Twirl Haul that seafoam-clad butt out of there and throw her in the plastics recycling bin with the Chinatown Fauxnels. No matter how many Chanels you buy out of the back of a truck on Ventura, you'll never be authentic MC!
Unfortunately we weren't done with MC yet. As Lisa was signaling Kevin Lee to get the Mantie Hench Squad, The Shi-Shi-Shi-Don't Take No Shiiit, over here to spray flower dust and glitter at Faye until she pouffed away, the producers nudge the rest of the cast and forced them to drift over.
Brandi and Faye go at it again and Kyle flaps her caftans sleeves about how she doesn't like to get involved and she hates drama. We all throw our wine glasses at the TV. Lisa evil eyes Kyle to defend her and Kyle is suddenly very busy doing a split. Luckily Brandi is there to hold down the fort. Faye calls Lisa's party boring and all the people there boring. So why are you there MC?
Faye's dress… it's like she mummified herself in the JoAnn Fabric's ribbon section. Or it was one of Kyle's daughter's figure skating costumes. It was not flattering. And really, I think the lining was a wee-bit sheer for daylight. We've already seen enough of that in Playboy! Furthermore, whatever she was holding in her hands looked like one of the Vanderpump-Todd's pomeranians. Was she holding it hostage? Is that how she got into the party by seizing a pom and holding it for ransom?
Brandi wonders if MC is obsessed with her because all she does is start shizz with her and talk about her. Where was Bethenny Frankel's infamous voicemail instructing famewhores to "Get a Hobby!"? Faye needs one, cause camera chasing has never served her well. Faye disappears as quickly as she came. She was not missed.
When all of that is done Kyle is gossiping about why Faye is so Team Adrienne and it's because Brandi has destroyed Adrienne's family, marriage, and, most importantly, her relationship with her plastic surgeon. OK, so I added that last part. And then Kim Richards decides Brandi has destroyed NO ONE's life more than hers.
When it comes to people Brandi has decimated it is poor, victimized Rambles who has been hurt the most. Cause this one time, at game night… Brandi said Kim used meth in the bathroom!
You know Rambles is gunning for a fight when she whips out the Valley Girl voice. You know – the one Cher Horowitz stole from her! 'Kyyyy-aaaallllll! BraaaAAAndeeeeeeEEEE ruined MY liii-iiifAAA.' Then it becomes a whiny battle of semantics about "In addition too", vs. how Kyle doesn't love her sister. Cause that makes sense and all.
Kyle should have said: "Kim that was LAST SEASON. LAST SEASON! You are so stuck in the past. 'You stole my house. Going Oklahoma! SlutPig.' LAST SEASON. UGH – Adrienne has the new problem now. Stop making it all about your last season problems!" Can these two take a trip to Target together without getting into a huge whiny screech fest? Or crying?
And Kim, again with Brand ruining your life Please! Need you forget you hid her crutches and called her a slutpig while she was stranded in Fresno at Dana's unfurnished spec home as you "drank iced coffee" in the bathroom. Kimscuses must be drinking the same ice coffee as Taylor "Errrrythings 'bout meeeee!" Armstrong. The Sisters Splitchards, Rambles and Splits, need to attend a seminar on taking accountability! I'm so over those two.
After all this crap, in rolls Adrienne dressed in widows weeds; wailing and throwing herself on the coffin of her failed marriage. She plops down dramatically on Lisa's sofa and begins to sob while the cavern (minus one seafoam monstrosity?! Where was MC?) crowd around her to tepidly pat the spray coiffuture sewn onto her rubber face. "There, there" said Kyle blinking really, really fast like 80 times to generate tears. Adrienne wails about how her children will be left motherless and they need her. Paul was never mentioned. TMZ got more attention than Paul did in this conversation.
Meanwhile, Lisa frets nearby. 'Oh dear,' she tells Ken… 'I do believe she's ruined another sofa with her stainage. I didn't put the slipcovers on because I though she'd stay home.' Poor Lisa – Adrienne is being quite the party pooper!
Brandi and Yolanda believe Adrienne staggered in to sop up all the attention. And really, why wouldn't you stay home?! Adrienne is disappointed that Lisa didn't rush over to comfort her. Instead Lisa rushed over to comfort her sofa when Adrienne got up. Lisa tells Kyle she didn't want to intrude.
Joining the ladies in the divorce support group was Mauricio. Where the
cameras ladies are, you'll find Maurice! Hovering in the corner of the lady's sofa, doling out tissues and bon-bons and sneaking in the listing contract on their newly vacated mansion. He's like the ambulance chasing lawyer, except for divorcees and their real estate.
As Ken Todd stated about Mauricio, "Is he bloody Dr. Phil now?" I think YoFabulous is the resident RHOBH psychologist, however. Dr. Yolanda H. Foster, Real Housewives Behaviorist and Lemonologist. Cleanse yourself away from poisonous trash talk and tacky behavior!
After all the horribleness with Adrienne and Faye behaving like a broke down Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb (Tweedle Desperate and Tweedle More Desperate) and absconding the party with their orange-y needs for attention; Lisa can take no more. She retreats to a place of serenity and peace. Lisa's closet is where we find her, looking aloft and drinking champagne. It's Lisa party, she can cry if she wants to! You would cry too if it happened to youooo! I would cry if Faye showed up at my house, actually!
Brandi comes in to cheer her up. Lisa wants to cancel the whole vow renewal in light of Adrienne announcing her separation seemingly intentionally and then arriving to sob at her party. Brandi demands she re-marry Ken and not let Adrienne win. Do it for the little people, Brandi encourages. In my mind the Golden Girls theme song was playing and everyone was eating cheesecake on the lanai while wearing a flowing caftan.
And then Lisa and Ken step up onto the platform in front of the big pink Vegas chapel heart made of roses to they remind us that this show sometimes sort of real.
Instead of exchanging rings Lisa and Ken pass a miniature pom dressed in pink back and forth while telling us how much they love each other. It was charming, sweet, and perfect. It reminded me that love exists among the world of prenups and fourth ex-wives and separations that are announced in the tabloids before superior court and borrowed Chanels being masqueraded as having money and surgically altered beyond recognition masks being presented as faces.
Yes, among all of that fakery, there is something real. There is something realer than Taylor's nonsense and Rambles' delusion. There is love. Lisa and Ken found it. The first time they married Lisa wore Princess Diana's old gown, but the second time they married she looked stunning, elegant, and happy. We all cried a little. Even Kyle, but I'm pretty sure cried because she was pissed Bravo wouldn't let her and Mauricio be the ones to get the big vow renewal because after all everyone wants to be Splits and Maurice ("o" optional).
Then we got the betacaps updates. Taylor and her wicked liwps from the west ate the heck out of some wedding cake and they also took a bite out of some attorney's marriage. Yep, she's in looove. Kyle and Kim dove into a new relationship through reality TV.
Yolanda is battling Lyme disease. Brandi well, she's Brandi and pretty much all real stuff no filler – except for her face. PLEASE STOP WITH THE FILLERS – it's starting to look Maloofy. And Lisa survived another season of thugs in cocktail dresses staining her home with their tackiness. Pretty soon she's going to have to rename her home Villa Caca – or not cause it's Adrienne's last season!
And we continue this break-down on the reunion recap…
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE SEASON FINALE AND THIS SEASON IN GENERAL?