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Last night I had a nightmare; a giant wig was taking over, smothering me with it's synthetic polyester strands and reeking of olive oil and burnt hair. It emerged from a microwave waving a cigarette in my face. It's tendrils grabbing at me like Ursula from The Little Mermaid, smothering me and whispering 'Biiiiig Poooopa. Don't Be Taaaardy for Biiiig Pooooppppa!' I couldn't escape! It was horrible! It was so frightening. I woke up and realized it wasn't a nightmare. That really happened. And it was called the premiere of Don't Be Tardy: When Wigs Attack. Otherwise known as the Wigs-N-Cigs Variety Show! 

So Kim Zolciak-Biermann invaded our screens again last night and the more things change the more they stay the same, eh. In the two-episode series premiere things open with Kim popping out Baby Kash. Yes, she was wearing a wig and stage make-up in the delivery room. No, she did not put down her phone even while crowning. And worst of all, Kroy Biermann was pigging out on fast food while she was having contractions. And that's how Kash emerged forth into the universe. Immediately before giving birth Kim starts directing her daughters to pick up a massive order of ravioli and frappuccinos. And cigarettes and wine. 

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Later Kim takes them to an organic food market cause they need to start eating healthy. I wondered why no one tapped her on the wig to inform her that Panera Bread and Dunkin Donuts are not organic. 

Then Kim subjects us to a full 10 minutes of complaining about how her four kids, sixty wigs (!!!) and all her "staff" are crammed into her town home. Poor "Farrah" has been living in a cat carrier while "Ophelia" has been crammed in the linen closet near the bulk toothpaste. THE WIGS NEED BREATHING ROOM! Is Kim huffing wig glue? Kim's townhouse is 5,000 square feet. Kim complains there are boobs and butts bumping into each other all over the place.

They bought a new mansion that was a builder's foreclosure cause they can't live in a used home with someone else's energy. 

Then we learn a strange little fact about Kroy. His first job was branding cattle out in Montana where he reminisced about the omnipresent smell of burnt hair (and getting sprayed with antibiotics). And this explains his attraction to Kim, the smell of burnt hair from microwaved hair is a familiar and comforting dose of home. Poor, poor boy. 

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Anyway, the Zolciak-Biermanns just bought a black mold infested foreclosed dream house that they are going to fully renovate using the same contractor that did Casa de Eviction. And it's going to cost many millions of dollars when it's all said and done because Kim needs top of the line everything and new, fresh, moldy energy. Kim is bummed because the fully-customized reno is going to take about a year. That contractor, he saw the Biermanns coming a miiiiile away. His eyes were shining with dollar signs at Gomer and Wigs. 

Back at le townhouse minatura, also known as Casa de Mistress, Kim's stylist comes over to organize her sweat pants collection and sift through her used pregnancy tests. Shaun calls Kim a hoarder, I call Kim a whore-der; a comment she takes issue with. Kim quickly clarifies that she isn't a hoarder, she just "buys a lot of shit" and never gets rid of it!

Yes, Kim has saved 40 pregnancy tests citing she was afraid people would find out and leak them to the media before she got a tabloid endorsement presumably. Oh, and the entire time Kim is rocking an enormous Debbie Gibson-style hairbow. 

She and Kroy cuddle on the sofa and Kim reminds him he used to play with her hair while they snuggled and now they guzzle cheap wine out of Solo cups. I wonder if Kroy played with the wig before or after she took it off? Did he stroke it in his lap like a cat? Or did she mean her "real-real" hair? Oh and then they discuss in depth how Kim farts in her sleep. 

In the middle of these romantic murmurings Kim's publicist, the hardest working man in show business next to Lindsay Lohan's calls to let her know Kim's mom, Karen Zolciak is reportedly shopping a tell-all, which of all things, outs Kim as a stripper! Well! Kim takes serious issue with this. She was SO not a stripper, mistress yes, but a stripper NEVER! 

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Kroy and Kim are upset, rightfully so. They debate telling the girls and decide not to. Then we fade into the second episode, which opens with Kim and Kroy in the lawyers office where they have learned that Karen is taking her to court for grandparent's rights. Kim says Karen hasn't seen the girls since her wedding and hasn't bothered to reach out to them. Nor has she met Kash or seen KJ since he was 6 months old. Kim and Kroy still debate telling the girls because they don't want to harm their relationship with Nana and Poppy, which I thought was the right thing to do. 

Kim says her mother is a money-hungry famewhore and always has been. She is relieved to learn her father is seemingly uninvolved in the situation. I think this is very sad. I feel bad for the girls, Kim, and her parents that this family is dissolving on television and being used as a plot in a reality show. I especially feel bad for the girls since they have no control in any of this. 

It's Ariana's birthday and Kim has planned a big party at SkyZone Trampoline Park. Kim has a new nanny named Berta who speaks no English. This is cause for much comment from Kim about needing to learn Spanish. What happened to last season's nanny that Kim was obsessed with? Did she quit when Kim called her Sweeeeeeeeeeetie and make her wear wigs? Speaking of which, where is Sweetie? 

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Ariana has a cute party and little KJ is jumping on the kiddie trampoline. One thing I will say for Kim, she makes some super cute kids! Over cake Brielle asks Ariana if she heard from their grandparents and they are confused why they didn't come to the party. Ariana says Poppy called her but she didn't call him back. Kim overhears and looks sad.

Back at home, Kim learns TMZ has leaked the story of court matter and her mother has given a quote. Now she feels she has to tell the girls so they don't learn about it in the press or from peers. Very sad situation. Kim lets them know the situation and that she wants them to have a relationship with their grandparents, etc. Brielle seems particularly upset. She doesn't understand how her grandmother could do that to her mom, even though she realizes Kim and Karen aren't close. 

Then Kim and Kroy go visit Dream Home 2.0. Kim is rocking her Debbie Gibson bow again and they learn the mold remediation is still in progress. Kim realizes she is mediating with her parents and with mold - and neither are cooperating. She and Kroy strap on hazmat suits and masks to check out the interior progress. They have a loooong way to go. Farrah better get comfortable hanging out in the chest freezer in the basement cause it's gonna be a long time before she gets a cushy dressing room in the used new mansion! 

And doing some awesome parenting Kim coaches Brielle in how to manipulate Kroy into buying her a car if she gets good grades. Oh we also learn Kim wears stage make-up. All day, every day, everywhere. Not just wigs, but STAGE MAKE-UP! Oh girl… 

[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]

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