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This week on The Rachel Zoe Project, Rachel traveled to New York for the opening of DreamDry, William popped over from England like a fashion fairy godmother delivering couture that rendered Rachel temporarily speechless, she gave husband, Rodger Berman, a makeover (but not his hair) and Skyler attempted to hit his mother with a shovel for trying to catch a bit of sleep.

Things begin with Rachel and makeup master Joey bickering about when Rachel will pop out a sibling for Skyler. Rachel trolls off a bunch of excuses and Joey chalks her many excuses up to bullshit. Rachel whines that even showering has taken a back seat in her life since becoming a mom. Sounds like someone’s traded boho chic for hobo chic..  Showering Shmowering, Joey is sick of Rachel’s never ending excuses. Rachel says that she arrived a little late to the party with the whole having accessories kids thing which has kind of gotten in the way. Joey makes the biggest mistake and says forty is the new twenty anyway, and with that Mommy Hobo becomes Valley girl in 2.8 seconds demanding to know who the heck in the room is 40?!? Cos she certainly isn’t the ‘f’ word yet.. ‘like Duh!’… and of course it wouldn’t be a proper Valley girl rant without Rachel sounding off by calling Joey a bitch for speaking such utter nonsense. Poor Joey, at least he now knows the word forty is like Harry Potter’s ‘Voldermort’ in the Kingdom of Zoe.. #Hewhoshouldnotbenamed

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Rachel is at RZ headquarters’ doing her handbag and accessories review. Rachel declares that accessories are like life and life needs to be accessorized and with that the ‘Valley girl’ becomes ‘life philosopher’. Rachel begins to become seemingly aggressive slapping and hitting the handbags but I think that’s just how she expresses happiness or perhaps tests handbag durability for those days where you just want to hit something? The new RZ 2 in 1 Bag: Punching bag and handbag! #Winning!

Overall she seems happy with the review, until Rodger arrives with bad news. Rodger has lost their only son. #Fatheroftheyear I mean Rodger’s only job is to look after their child because we all know he isn’t really doing any of the El Presidente duties he claims to. While Rachel is stressed about locating their child, the ever logical Mandana doesn’t seem half as concerned with Skyler’s whereabouts as she is with Rodger’s fashion sense… #Priorities

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Rachel heeds Mandana’s warning and takes Rodger on a shopping makeover. However she equates shopping with Rodger like shopping with a toddler, as he loses focus and gets distracted easily. Rodger likes browns Rachel says no. Rodger likes beiges Rachel says no. Rachel thinks Rodger can’t wear anything fitted because it makes him have man boobs. Man boobs are of deep concern for Rachel. Rodger admits defeat with the browns, beiges and all things fitted and wears everything his neurotic wife demands.

Rachel is so turned on by Rodger's submission cardigan she says wants to make out with him. Rodger lights up like a kid in a candy store. However his happiness is short lived. You see Rachel’s version of make out and mine seem to differ. I think make out means – kiss and Rachel seems to think it means: avoid contact at all costs and execute a well-timed bob and weave to secure limited bodily contact of any kind. Rodger wants to know if the shop has a back room like that will help. Rachel runs away and begins shopping for herself.

Methinks all the ‘Rodger gets distracted when shopping’ warnings she gave were actually more about her. Rodger declares this is all a part of his diabolical plan to get baby #2. And to get baby #2 he wants to get drunk with his wife and let things happen, because to Rodger that’s how all babies are made. No Rodger, some women will let their hubbies have sexytimes without liquid courage. Wowzer, I’m guessing Skyler was conceived on a night of Skinnygirl Margaritas. Then again maybe an inebriated Rachel will actually touch her husband. Alcohol = the cause and solution to all life’s problems.

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And of course another day means another man date for Rodger, because actually doing Presidential duties in the office is clearly not on his radar. Rodger is excited to see their British friend William. William is excited by Rodgers scarf. William is scared that eleven scarves and sixteen pairs of shoes was not enough options for his adventure across the pond. Methinks Rachel and Wills are related. And I suddenly had a ‘If you shave her head she’d look like a British Man’ Mean Girls flashback. Because if you shaved Rachel’s head I think she’d become Mr. British Accents doppelgänger.

Back at RZ headquarters Rachel has been making phone calls and doodling dresses on a notepad. Sidebar, her freehand drawing abilities are dismal and I think it’s time to retire the notepad. Skyler could have done a better job, heck I even think if someone lodged a pen in Rodgers disastrous hair and he flipped his head around for a bit, it too would have produced a better sketch. Rodger wants to show Rachel something. Rachel is skeptical he wants to kiss her. Rachel reminds Rodger that there is no kissy kissy in the office and anywhere else for that matter and reluctantly follows him.

William surprises her and rolls out a couture rack of clothes for Rachel to play dress ups. William presents Rachel with a belated birthday present. A 1967 Jean Patou Haute Couture dress. Rachel gasps, pretty well drops Sky like a sack of potatoes and nearly starts crying over the dress. After having a momentary lapse of forgetting the English language Rachel gets her Valley girl on and sounds like a chain smoking Bratz doll in labor, screeching ‘Ermahgerdd’ incessantly. Poor Rodger, I think it will be dear William that gets the coveted kissy kissy today.

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Rachel and Rodger are in New York for a Good Morning America appearance featuring her collection and to see the DreamDry Salon opening. Rachel starts having Skyler withdrawals and decides to call him and to also confirm her son is being dressed in the appropriate Gucci sweater during her absence. It’s a hard job micro-managing your sons’ designer wardrobe cross country, but then again it’s just a typical parenting dilemma for RZ. Now for the opening of DreamDry and even I said ‘Emahgerd’ because it has totally come together. Gone are the falling walls and non-swiveling chairs. DreamDry is filled with champagne, designer cupcakes, chandeliers and most importantly the marble chevron floor which Rachel decides to name chévié! Which is totally normal – I too named my Linoleum kitchen floor Lina the Lino. Rachel is beyond thrilled by the ottomans she decides to take a little break and bask in the success of her salon. Rachel declares that she doesn’t know a female that doesn’t obsess about their hair and the perfect blow-dry. Rachel clearly hasn’t been introduced to Amber Rose. All kidding aside the salon looks spectacular and I can hardly believe the change.

Back in L.A Rachel is preparing for a Boho Chic photo shoot for Glamour Magazine. However intense fog threatens her shoot. Rachel can do many things but moving clouds is not on her CV’s list of skills. Rachel seizes the opportunity to let her diva alter ego out – Zoezilla. Zoezilla boots the model currently in hair and makeup out of her chair and has hair god Jamal tend to her tresses, and by tresses I mean.. you guessed it… BANGS! Rachel’s Bangs and Rodgers man dates have pretty much been the central theme of this entire season – one bangs and one dates. Just not each other. The end.

Mother Nature decides to cut Rachel a break and moves the clouds and the shoot is underway. Rachel can’t tell the difference between the moon and the sun. Last episode it was decided she wouldn’t be teaching Sky-Sky geography and this episode its astronomy. Don’t worry Skyler if you ever want to learn to speak like a pubescent Valley Girl Mommy can hook a brother up! Rachel spends the rest of the shoot running around frothing over the clothes and ranting about how amazing the new bohemian style is.

The episode ends with some cute family time with baby Skyler, and by family time I mean Skyler starts to attack Rachel with a shovel. Rachel tells Rodger that if they do decide to have another baby they are going to be down a man, and I agree, they were already down one baby this episode after Rodger lost their son. Rodger still wants a baby even if it means pretending to parent another child and Rachel is still at a crossroads.

Next week Rodger still wants a baby and makes the same mistake Joey did, by drawing attention to Rachel’s age and ability to have children. Will he make it out alive or will Rachel skin him and wear him like last year’s Versace?

Fancap Author: Gina P.

Photo Credit: Bravo TV

 

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