Last night on Don't Be Tardy, the Biermann family celebrated Christmas and argued about traditions. See, Kim Zolciak's traditions include dropping thousands upon thousands on tacky Christmas decorations like she lives in the White House where as Kroy Biermann's traditions include embracing the true meaning of Christmas: family and quality time.
Eventually in a Bravo-tized version of The Christmas Carol, Wigenezer Scrooge realizes Christmas isn't about Cartier and $4000 diamond-studded Christmas trees with a LV logo, but about the people you love the most!
Things begin with Kim trying to convince us she's a young woman of 35 by getting Thermage, a laser face lift. At first I thought Kim must be getting vaginal rejuvenation because her skirt slit was so high she was borderline in need of a black modesty bar to hide the ladybits. I was wrong though – apparently one just wears really revealing clothing to the dermatologist!
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Thermage hurts a lot, but Kim is undaunted. She doesn't want anyone thinking she's Kroy's mother!
Kim brought her friend Jen along to pull endless items out of her boobs like it's a magic show to distract Kim from realizing she's burning her facial muscles off in an attempt to appear less courgar-ish. Jen could have saved Kim the trouble by just burning that gawd-awful wig!
Back at home in the the townhome which can barely accommodate one full-sized adult in it's stifling 5000 square feet, Kim is complaining that she can't haul all her Christmas decorations out of storage because they don't fit. So what did she do all the other ten years she celebrated Christmas in the Barbie's Dream Dollhouse?
What's a girl to do but blow thousands on all new tackery! Including some hideous bewigged slutty Mrs. Claus Elf blowup doll to sit on the piano. Has anyone seen a piano in Casa de Wigs-N-Cigs? Not I!
Kroy is not impressed, he lectures Kim about how Christmas has become a "corporation holiday" and that she is being ridiculous and wasteful. Yes, yes Kroy! Kim sulks and pouts and spikes Kroy's breast milk shot with roofies so she can snag his credit card to hit up the Neiman's Christmas department.
Anyway, Kroy has decided his wife needs to understand the true spirit of Christmas, which is not about getting things or buying flashy decorations but establishing traditions. He looked pretty appalled that Kim's girls don't have any eternity ornaments. You know the ones your mom buys you every year that say "Christmas 1999" and are reflective of what you were into at that point in your life? I'm thinking Kim is the type of mom who won't hang artwork on the fridge because it doesn't have a Gucci logo emblazoned on it.
Kroy makes the executive decision to buy a real tree and decorate it with low-key ornaments as a family and not succumb to the materialization of Christmas. Kim looked so defeated. She had never heard of this whole like Christmas is about Baby Jesus' birth thing. She just thought it was another day to celebrate HER by giving HER more presents. Kim googles "Christmas" and is sorely disappointed that she is not included in the description, along with a close-up of her face beside her "wish list" Huh she mumbles calling Jen to discuss the news.
So the Biermanns get a real tree, Kim cries and whines that decorating it is too difficult because she is getting poked in the boob by the scary pine needles. Someone throw her to the Island of Misfit Toys! She keeps telling us she doesn't have time for all this. Because she's so busy doing what…? She has time to online shop for hours, however!
The girls decorate ornaments with a Kid N Play extra who got lost in a time machine behind all the crap Kim hoards but re-emerged in 2013 to the land of wigs, cigs, and winos! Poor thing… please alert the authorities.
They talk about how Kim's parents aren't participating this Christmas and Brielle complains that her grandmother limits their cell phone use while they visit her and they have "outgrown" her. That's nice. Kim freaks out because Kroy put a plastic light-up Rudolph in the front yard. She so does not need to do Griswald's Christmas, cause she is so not tacky like that. I think Kim was wearing her delusional wig that day!
Then the Biermanns go to Winter Wonderland to see Santa, buy ornaments, and do other fun Christmas-y stuff as a family. And Kim is all complaints and laments about how she just does not celebrate Christmas the boring way. She wants pizzazz and zillion dollar ornaments. The things one sacrifices for love!
They all choose ornaments as a family and Kim is disappointed that the total was only $250, then they roast marshmallows over an open fire. While Kim obsesses that her eyelashes are singeing off and her boobs are melting, KJ has his face rested on the rim of the firepit.
Did anyone even see Kash this episode? Where is that kid all day? Does he really exist or is he a figment of my wigmagination.
Then they have a Christmas party in a bowling alley. Kim is miffed about having to wear bowling shoes and has an unfortunate incident where her wig gets caught in the ball return machine. Ok, so I made that up but it would bring some much-needed interest to this show.
With all the family fun-times Kim starts to see the true meaning of Christmas and she agrees to let Kroy put up a real tree in the basement next year, while her tinsel crap and creepy Mrs. Claus occupy the main floor. Kroy seems happy – it doesn't take much to appease that man!
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – DID KIM LEARN THE TRUE MEANING OF CHRISTMAS?