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I'm sure the Mexican government is bogged down with the drug war, but they also need to turn their attentions to a more pressing issue: The Battle For Tamra Barney. I predict a full-fledged blonde extensions tearing, botox rearranging, wine bottle throwing, Gretchen Christine Plastic Sack swinging, stiletto stabbing, lip gloss jabbing, boob job deflating battle on next week's episode of Real Housewives of Orange County. Get the popcorn ready! 

On last night's episode the ladies remained in Mexico to terrorize the locals. Vicki Gunvalson decided it was high time she reasserted herself as the true BFF of Tamra, so she smuggled her out to a Mexican bar and forced her to woodenly shake her butt on the bar like they were 20. You can just call her Vicki FUNvalson!

Oh ladies… Grannies Gone Wild! Poor Lydia McLauglin, forced into light-up Minnie Mouse ears that were leftovers from a Disney on Ice performance in the area, didn't even look like she was having fun but was putting on a drunk act to fit in. 

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And definitely not having any fun is Heather Dubrow who is stuck in a limo with a whining, sobbing Gretchen Rossi. Gretchen's feelings are like really, really hurt. Vicki stole her thunder. Tamra abandoned her. She is all alone, lost adrift and forgotten in the world with only a suitcase of penis straws to cling to. Who wants to bet Gretchen Christine's next product with be bachelorette party paraphernalia? I hope Slave's anatomy is not the model…

Trying to make Heather hate Vicki, Gretchen tries to spill on what Lauri Peterson told her. I love Heather's eyeroll. I mean she didn't even try to hide the fact that she just didn't care. She was so desperate to escape Gretchen she volunteered to ditch the limo and take a *gasp* MINI VAN TAXI back to the hotel where she pretty much fled to her room and took a shower in lysol before slathering her entire body with lotion made from the refined fur of baby bunnies. 

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Vicki FUN-valson?

No one much seems to care about being ditched except Gretchen. Tamra couldn't be less regretful that she blew that penis popsicle stand for some cheap booze and raunchy fun. And Vicki is glowing and triumphant. Tamricki is back, y'all! 

Just as she was snuggling down in her cashmere and about to write in her gratitude journal about how she is thankful to be rich and elitist into Heather's room runs The Three CougAmigas. 'If I could turn back time…' is their power bitch song! Heather is not impressed. First of all, they're wrinkling the sheets. Second of all they smell like cheap tequila. Third of all, Heather just doesn't care. She is annoyed that they left her stranded in the limo… WITH GRETCHEN! 'Of all the crap to force me to endure!' she yells. 'I was trapped in their with that ridiculous blonde imbecile whining about no one wanting to suck her penises. I mean, that is SO NOT FUN. And I'm fun!'

And then Gretchen stomps in wearing her kiddie pajamas and throwing a whiny fit about how everyone is just so mean to her. Wah! You excluded me. Now I have to go cry into my Gretchen Christine Bootay tissues! $9.99 + S&H comes in four different colors, glitter sheen optional. 

While Vicki openly laughs in Gretchen's face and doesn't feel the slightest bit remorseful; Tamra and Lydia at least try (and fail) to put on serious faces and apologize. Gretchen stomped up and down until Heather called security and then everyone leaves.

 

Vicki and Tamra go hang out in her room so Tamra can tell Vicki how much fun she is and how amazing it is that they are friends. And it was a cute scene and they both laugh. And then Vicki left Tamra a little present: she pissed on her bed. Really she did. She marked her territory. And the proof was on the matching spot on the back of her skirt. That's one way to reclaim a friendship! 

The next morning, Gretchen is still mad but she's planned a full-day of events. "Nice of you to show up," she snaps at Vicki in the hotel lobby. That's not awkward or anything. So Vicki stomps off and Gretchen wrangles Tamra into her Bachelorette sash which says "Property of Gretchen" on the back.

They're all squashed in the limo together, adored in penis paraphernalia which no one is excited about and then they go watch a bull fight. Lydia is so bored she volunteers to get stabbed in the bullring.

Back in the limo everyone is so bored they decide to start a fight. Cue another Gretchen tantrum. She's all butthurt that Lydia makes a comment about how much fun everyone was having the night before. 'I want to have fun too!' she shrieks flinging a penis cup at Vicki and smacking Lydia with a condom necklace. Heather goes to her happy place, the Chanel Sample Sale. Tamra pretends to be upset by the fighting. 

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Gretchen starts sobbing and calls Vicki a hypocrite. And Vicki loses it. All this screaming cannot be healthy for her newly renovated face, but what's a girl to do in times of war? Vicki schools Gretchen on the definition of "hypocrite", explaining that she's not a hypocrite because she ditched Gretchen and had a good time. Gretchen doesn't get it so she cries harder until Tamra rubs her arm unconvincingly. Then Gretchen calls Vicki a "f**king bitch!" 

Finally they end up at the pool and everyone feels like this trip may turn around because Gretchen shows up with goodybags that masquerade as product promotion kits. Vicki is not wooed. Five minutes after arriving in her Miss. Universe reject bikini, Gretchen and Vicki get into an argument about who is Tamra's better friend and more special friend. Vicki starts ranting about how Gretchen is fake and pretentious and thinks she's pretty, pretty princess of the OC but she's really a hot mess with decent extensions. And apparently Vicki hates bracelets?

Gretchen screams back about how Vicki is insecure and that's why she tried to erase her Miss Piggy nose and she's so competitive. I'm surprised she didn't come back with 'Don't hate me because I'm beautiful'! These two make my ears bleed. 

Are all these biatches going through menopause? Does all the bleaching and botoxing and spray tanning trigger early onset? What the hell was going on during this trip!

Speaking of crying, Tarma and Gretchen hit the beach to have another crying you're my best friend, no YOU'RE my best friend moment. Do they need a penis cup to catch all the tears? Do they need to create a special tearstini COCKtail? Except none of these bitches cry tears since the botox has frozen their tear ducts. 

On the beach Tamra secures Gretchen back under her spell by crying about how she's never told anyone about her terrible childhood with emotionally unavailable parents and suicide attempts. Good lord. Then she stirs the pot by revealing that Vicki was was bragging about "winning" last night when she whisked her away for a night of partying. Gretchen is Tamra's real friend, while Vicki is her fun one. Tamra is so gross; shit-stirring, playing both sides of the fence, and being passive aggressive. 

Back at the pool Vicki complains to Heather and Lydia about how fake Gretchen is and they do her a great service (seriously!) by being honest about the role she plays in instigating. Is this a therapeutic retreat or a bachelorette party?!

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Finally it's the night of the official bachelorette party and Gretchen is going to have fun with Vicki if it kills her. And by "kills her" I mean if Gretchen kills Vicki. Dinner features a sexy gift exchange. Vicki parcels out a dildo the size of a Redwood for Eddie's butt. And Heather gifted a whip followed by an after sex sanitation and survival kit which included hand sanitizer (seriously!), latex gloves, a pregnancy test, valium, and other essentials. Only Heather… 

Then Lydia departs before the entertainment portion of the evening. Penises scare her and she doesn't want to have to look at them – even though her one friend told her they kinda look like twinkies. Besides she's gonna go write in her journal about the time Doug sat next to her on the bus and brought her Doritos. Young love! Tamra is not impressed that Lydia is pulling an Alexis Bellino by bailing on the impending male strippers. Prude. 

Speaking of Alexis, she goes out to dinner with Jimblob and propositions him about making a fourth baby. Jim looks a little ill – is it cause he can't afford baby no 4? He should be shocked, relieved, and highly impressed that someone is willing to sleep with him. And Alexis she should serioulsy wonder why she's that girl!

Back in MexiCuckoo, the male strippers arrive and they are um… about what you'd expect from male strippers. Ewwww… That doesn't stop Gretchen from going to town. Good lord – I am thinking Slave is not satisfying his mistress in the bedroom cause girl was bumping, griding, sandwiching, hooting and hollaring like it was the first time she's had action in years! Naked Wasted, indeed! I think Slave better request a paternity test if she turns up with a bun in the oven!

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Tamra and Vicki are appropriately grossed out but Heather has on a hazmat suit, a can of lysol, latex gloves, and keeps a safe distance of at least 50 feet. The strippers knew better than to get near Prudezilla DeVille and her evil can of Mace! She could make a nice handbag out of all that leathery skin. 

Tamra jokes that she needs a pregnancy test after all that grinding and Gretchen tries to make her pee on the stick in the living room while Heather hovers nearby with a wetmop. Vicki, a self-professed and proudly admitting 'leaker', gets hit up to pee test next. Listen ladies – you don't need a pregnancy test; you need a rapid results STD test. I'm disappointed Heather was so unprepared! She also, apparently, needed to pack some Tucks for Vickster. 

The next morning everyone is hung over except for Heather, who doesn't drink at all in Mexico if it doesn't come from her distillery suitcase, and Lydia who went to bed snuggling her stuffed animal and dreaming of that time Doug kissed her at the movies. 

It seems that getting mutually groped in a truly revolting sea of strippers wearing matador costumes was a bonding experience for Gretchen and Vicki who manage to do a toast without pinning each other down and forcing the other person to eat a freaking muffin. Wouldn't that be brutal torture! Calories, Carbs, Sugar – oh my! 

Tamra had fun, since Tamra loves being the center of attention and what better than two friends fighting over her? Heather survived, but not unscathed as she will be checking into a sanitarium for exhaustion next week. And Lydia… let's just say she got quite the education. I think she might just be into the Judy Blume adult books by now! 

[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]

TELL US – WAS GRETCHEN OVERREACTING? WAS VICKI INTENTIONALLY TRYING TO STEAL HER THUNDER? WOULD YOU HAVE STAYED FOR THE STRIPPERS?

 

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