Gahhh! I hate, hate, HATE to admit it, but I missed the craziness that only Abby Lee Miller and her nemesis mothers can bring to Dance Moms. As much as I usually deplore their awful behavior, it's ten times better than watching a show centered around the snooze-worthy Candy Apples. Who's with me? I know, I know. I'm a total hypocrite.
Abby is in Los Angeles looking for property for a new studio space. She plans to install silks (the mounted scarf like apparatus for lyrical dancers…think Cirque) so that her new dancers can have a leg up on competitors. Abby is really thinking of a permanent move, and she's convinced that Melissa would make sure that Maddie and MacKenzie followed her West. As for her other dancers…who needs 'em? She's already setting the stage for next season's Dance Moms: L.A. Help us!
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Cathy is still reeling from Abby's win, and she's determined to have the Candy Apples rise back up to the top. Choreographer Anthony is now Cathy's biggest fan. When did that happen? According to Anthony, they basically complete each other. Cathy is assembling a new team…three new girls with Botoxed and bleached moms as well as her favorite three returning guys. One of Cathy's new moms is hell bent to prove to Abby that her daughter isn't road kill. Yeah, they may have met on Abby's Ultimate Dance Competition. Reality loves a crossover! Cathy gives her dance moms and dad a pep talk which basically asks them to pep her. She needs their undivided support, and one of the new dancers will be eliminated from the final team.
Anthony is working with his new troupe, and the group dance is all about first love. Yawn. Dear Lifetime, Cathy can't hold her own show. That's why she doesn't have one. Watching Cathy's parents spar in their fake viewing room is boring–even when the break dancer's dad storms out of the studio. A fellow mom reminds her counterparts that he's going to act like that because he comes from the streets. Really? The streets? Sheltered much, ridiculous moms?
Having always wanted to be a Cali girl, Abby can see herself settling in Los Angeles. If I had wanted to watch a desperate, rich woman shop for real estate, I'd be catching up on my DVRed Million Dollar Listings. Am I right? Y'all know what I'm talking about! Back in Philadelphia, Jill, Kelly, and Christi feel much more relaxed with Abby on hiatus. Kristie 2.0 schools the mothers on all things West Coast. Basically, she tells her new counterparts that L.A. will love Abby because L.A. loves a drag queen. 2.0 is going to fit in nicely with this crew! Jill is concerned that even if Abby permanently relocates to California, Philly's ALDC will still be followed around by Cathy and her Candy Apples.
In Ohio, Cathy is down a new dancer, and she's not happy. This week's competition is practically in her backyard, and she plans to dominate. She's worried that her new crew isn't meshing as well as they should for a day and a half of working together. Fear not, Cathy has Black Patsy and Nikia on speed dial. Game changer! Calling her Black Patsy makes me want to cringe though. Getting into hair and make-up for her Ultimate Dance Competition, Abby's friend John thinks that Abby needs to stay on her toes regarding Cathy and her competitions. Who is sneaky enough to spy on Cathy? If you didn't guess Jill right off the bat, I am ashamed of you as a fellow Dance Moms fan.
The following day, absentee girl rejoins Cathy's group. Forgive me for not trying to learn their names. We all know they'll be gone next week! Cathy passes out solos, and I suddenly realize why I feel so discombobulated for this recap. It's so obvious! I need structure. I need Abby's moms hating on all things ALDC. I need Maddie and Chloe pitted against one another in a horrendous turn for pre-teens. But mostly, I need the pyramid! Watching Cathy's talented (yet nameless to me…so far) practice Anthony's solos is throwing me for a loop. Botox mom is appalled when Black Patsy enters Cathy's studio. Botox whispers, "She's a fighter." These women. Why, Lifetime, WHY? I am missing my ALDC moms, which makes me doubt my own morals (obviously), but all of these Candy Apply scenes are b.o.r.i.n.g.
At the competition, Cathy and her Candy Apples arrive in a stretch limo. It hits me RIGHT. NOW. that I am not going to get to see my favorite girls dance tonight. Jill and Holly arrive to spy on Cathy's dancers, while Anthony spars with his boss backstage over some ridiculously tight boy puppet shorts. Anthony's vision has been totally compromised, but who can focus on that when Jill, Kelly, and Holly bust in on Cathy's practice room. Jill exchanges insults
pleasantries with Black Patsy. Kelly thinks that Patsy is poorly attempting to be Holly's mini-me. Road kill Botoxed daughter dances her solo first, and she's beautiful and talented. It still doesn't make up for the fact I'm missing my regulars. Puppet boy performs next, and he's amazing, but the awkwardness of the choreography makes me cringe. I'm too superficial for this lyrical genius. Jill compliments Cathy's team, but she reminds everyone that Cathy plucked them from their normal studios. She has nothing to do with their talent. Abby calls Jill during the competition to get more dirt on Cathy's antics. She's not shocked that Cathy has snatched up Botox and Black Patsy. Botox makes the mistake of telling Anthony that she's here for him, and the other Apple parents are up in arms. Where is her support for Cathy? Gracious, Anthony is the only person with talent in this crew, and the man is currently wearing an acid washed shirt buttoned Urkel style and a gold brocade truckers cap. I'm not judging. I secretly want to be biffles with Anthony.
I'm sure the Candy Apples group number is great, but I'm distracted by their late '90s country club attire…and the fact they made Nikia's love interest a boy half her height. Puppet boy garners third in the solo division, and while Anthony believes he was amazing he thinks he'd have placed higher had he warn those tight shorts. Botox's daughter also takes second. I think that her mom is very upset, but you can't tell since her face doesn't move. The group dance takes the top spot. Congrats?? Cathy wants to chat with Vivi before cutting one of her new team members. Kelly, Jill, and Holly confront Cathy's dancer parents in the hallway, and break dancer dad starts hurling insults. Black Patsy physically pushes Jill with just a finger to her nose. Priceless.
Next week, we get more of Cathy's dancers, and Maddie performs of Abby's Ultimate Dance Competition.
TELL US-WHAT DID YOU THINK OF LAST NIGHT'S EPISODE? DID YOU MISS ABBY'S DANCERS AS MUCH AS I DID?
[Photo Credit: Lifetime]