Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Orange County was giving me flashbacks of the Bill Clinton trial. It was all a buncha semantics, except with Housewives mumbo-jumbo. "I did not say they were having sex, they were just in bed." "I didn't say it was a threesome" "I've never had multiple partners." "You have a different guest role on Malibu Country." Whatever the case: "Uh Oh! Somebody's lyyyyyying!" (Adrienne Maloof voice).
Lydia McLaughlin tried to take her new friends to her old country, Canada, for some good old fashion skiing fun at Whistler. Truly showing she's a sparkly-eyed, pixie winged novice for all things Housewives she predicted it would be drama free. Why? Did she think the negative temperatures would freeze their drama capacitors off? Nope, if anything the cold made them extra twitchy and jumpy and turned the trip into a true The Shining nightmare. Except Lydia was the only person trapped on the mountain and unable to escape.
Good thing Alexis Bellino gave Lydia a special, drama-debunking gift! Alexis has decided she'll come on the trip under one condition – she can carry a concealed weapon. A Swaorvski crystal studded bible! Alexis gives Lydia a matching bible. Um… I love these two; they truly are Jesus Barbie and her little sister Bible Skipper! I hope Barbie doesn't wear Alexis Couture to teach Sunday School.
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Lydia bounces in her seat because now they'll be "Blingin' the word…" I've heard (and seen it all now). Well not quite – I've never seen Vicki Gunvalson in bed with two other people which could be a threesome, or multiple partners or just watching a movie depending on who you ask!
Tamra Barney and Heather Dubrow go shopping in some store that sells what looks like old lady artifacts. Heather pulls on her Chanel gloves to poke at the items, tossing them at Tamra and saying 'This looks like you. Great color.' Translation: Look at this cheap, polyester crap. And that color – Golden Girls Aqua. Oh…a corset. Perfect for ol' Tacky over there!
Tamra couldn't care less about some seafoam scarves, she's got drama to mull over. She's all 50 shades of upset that Lauri Peterson has been out and about gossiping about Vicki "sexually" and just who is she dumping her gossip on? Gretchen Rossi; Vicki enemy no. 1. And Lauri will be coming along on this trip, despite last weeks Brooksplosion at the bridal salon!
Heather isn't shocked when Tamra tells her about the threesome allegation; she's already heard from Gretchen. She rolls her eyes and sighs, "First, I have to pretend to shop in Polyester Paradise over here. With tacky Trollra! Now I have to have a conversation about ménage à trois in public?'
Tamra explains that Vicki cannot even SAY the word "vagina" let alone lick one so she's fairly certain a threesome never took place… The class level of this show is so high!
Heather tells Tamra it really isn't anyone's business and she should let it go to avoid ruining the trip. What Tamra hears: I should totally confront Vicki and tell her that Lauri is calling her a slut to everyone in Orange County. I'll do it during Lydia's trip since they can't escape each other on a mountain and it's guaranteed drama and guaranteed screen time for MEEEEE! I can use this as leverage for a spinoff!
Among other pressing issues is Heather's premiere role on the now defunct Malibu Country. She can only be in Whistler for six hours but is going… for Lydia. Because it matters to her. And Heather, working gal Heather, is then headed straight to her shoot. Spare my the histrionics, Dubrow!
Unbeknownst that they will soon be the center of a voracious drama blizzard, Gretchen and Vicki are blissfully packing for Whistler. Gretchen has decided to rock an all-white one-piece snowsuit which I secretly thought was awesome. She's topping it off with a white puffy fur hat. She is totally stealing Lisa Vanderpump's look, but imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Vicki, on the other hand, is all about the party gondola and is displaying a variety of backless, sparkly, totally inappropriate outfits for Briana to veto. Poor Vicki – girl, just no. Eau de desperado cougar is never hot. And frankly, past 22 is too old for a backless, plunge halter with sequins. Those sorority girl days are but a mere flimsy fantasy for ol' Vicks – until the wine kicks in! Then it's all WOO HOOs and penis pops.
Also packing is Alexis. And she's got another talisman she's bringing along. No, it's not chastity belt with Jim's glamor shot on it, nor is it a bra with a cross on it; nope – it's a ski glove cleverly adorned with a big faux rhinestone jewel on the "ring finger". It's a joke since everyone made fun of her big fake ring in Costa Mexico last year. I thought that was cute and this is why I can't hate Alexis.
Finally, everyone departs for Lydia's "beautiful, elegant" weekend. They're all hauling a ton of baggage – literally and figuratively – per the usual. Seriously Gretchen was bringing her own mountain with her. Lauri brags that she's a ski expert and left her Loubs at home.
Is it cause she can no longer afford any?
Everyone is getting along swell on the plane and Lydia's brave (and probably drugged) Uncle Greg will be joining them at the hotel for a little backwoods Canada lesson. And because people on Housewives shows can only be nice so long as the alcohol isn't flowing, as soon as the champs is popped Heather starts in on Gretchen about her "role" on Malibu Country. Oh more semantics – yay!
See I don't even understand this – apparently Gretchen was offered a walk-on part with one-two lines and the producers called to ask when she was available. Gretchen said some days and then they scrapped the role. The lie comes into play, I guess, when Gretchen claims she decided to skip the filming for Tamra's bridal shopping. Heather claims Gretchen wasn't really offered a role; and certainly not the fancy, amazing, important 5-line guest role SHE, real actoress person of esteemed professionalism, was offered.
It goes back and forth about when the show was filming vs. when Gretchen was available vs. what kind of role she was offered. Clearly Gretchen doesn't see the distinction between her walk-on part and Heather's like talky part. And for that she is dead to Heather. DEAD. Now go lie down in the dumpster. When Heather becomes a producer for Malibu Country she can worry about casting. Until then… ZIP IT!
At the tail end of it, Alexis pipes up that like Oh mih gawd – she was offered a part on that show too! But like Jim needed her to do a tramboobily demonstration for his investors that day and she wasn't available and she's like taking acting classes, didya know. Heather about jumps out the window. But Heather is so not competitive. There's room for everyone on one teeny now defunct sitcom. Apparently Orange County – and Heather – couldn't save Malibu. Surprised?
So that started the trip off nicely. Then they arrive at the hotel, Delusional YET HOT Uncle Greg shows up and everyone throws Vicki at him cause she's SINGLE. And Brokes is disgusting and creepy and cavorting with a post-adolescent amateur porn star. Cause Uncle Greg totally wants Brokes' castoffs…
Lydia tells us her family is crazy enough without the addition of Vicki so um… hopefully Uncle Greg will pass on that but if not they thankfully live in different countries, although most Americans have never heard of other countries and think the USA is the only one (according to Sparkle Teeth).
In the middle of all the let's try to make Vicki and Greg fornicate on the floor while we all cheer party, Tamra is sulking in the corner about how two-faced and atrocious and liar pants Lauri is. She so feels compelled as a friend to tell Vicki what's being said. I mean, to save their friendship. Then Heather takes off for her busy, jet-setting actery life and everyone snickers except Alexis who is confused about why Heather can leave trips whenever she wants and no one plunks her down for an intervention about how fake and terrible she is… Huh? Just stroke your sparkly bible Lex until it all goes away.
The next day on the slopes they meet up at the ski concierge, which according to Alexis the proper pronunciation is "con-cee-air". That's French for, like, rich. Alexis Couture has a whole Conceeair Hollection for the fancy world traveler. They all get fitted for skis and gear, Vicki cleans her ears on Gretchen's Q-tip hat, and then Alexis gets trapped in a ski gondola with Lauri and Gretchen. Huh?
And poor, rendered speechless Alexis has to hear the not-so-discreet details of Vicki's "private" sex life while Lauri all the sudden pulls a fast one on Gretchen. Despite making it seem as if Vicki was getting busy in a threesome, Lauri now recants and insists she never said they were having sex. She just said they were "in bed." I don't know whose creaky wheels were spinning faster: Alexis' or Gretchen's, but they were both very confused and surprised for different reasons! Gretchen because she assumed Lauri was her ally against Vicki and is now realizing that some sort of drama is about to go down and she's an iceberg floating out there all alone.
Or Alexis cause well, she thought threesomes were a dirty joke husbands talked about sometimes. And well, Vicki well… ewwwww… Vicki naked is like thinking of your parents having sex. After 8 years of her being on my TV she's sort of like my mom, right?!
Vicki and Tamra conveniently pair off to conquer the bunny slope and Tamra snags this opportunity to tell Vicki what's up. Vicki is shocked. I'm not sure if it was because she couldn't believe what she heard or cause it was true and the cat was out of the bag. Whatever the case she wants to stomp on Lauri's face and ski right over her if she could just stay upright. Tamra, on the other hand, is worried she'll freeze her tits off. Cause it's that cold y'all that she needs to make that joke like 8 times!
Vicki is livid. Like Hell is freezing over livid and y'all better get into the fire before you get iced! She is sputtering and spewing and screeching something awful and dangerous (ski patrol thought animals were dying) about "multiple partners" and how she has NEVER, EVER had multiple partners. And then Tamra is like you should talk to Gretchen about why she is a LIAR and LYING about YOU. Gretchen did it! Gretchen did it, in the horse stable, with the gossip! Gretchen, Gretchen, Gretchen!
So naturally Gretchen skis up. Regretfully on her part, I'm sure. Too bad that all-white jumpsuit getup couldn't camouflage her! Well, it didn't and Vicki launches on her like a rabid snow monster about why she would ever, ever, ever, ever in a million years think she did "lewd, sexual acts with multiple partners"! Cause she didn't! NEVER!
Gretchen tries to escape by telling Vicki to talk to Lauri, who by the way also accused her of cheating on Donn. Shockingly, Vicki admits that yes she and Donn had "infidelity issues" on both their parts. Briana previously called her out on being involved with Brooks for years before the divorce. Vicki also says that she and Donn were separated twice. Gretchen is like shiiiiit – now I don't have any leverage on Vicki cause she just fessed up to everything! Dammit.
That being said, I so do not think Vicki was harboring a toothless Greek in the US without immigration officials (or her neighbors) being aware, so I'm pretty sure any flings or indiscretions were not that juicy or salacious. It was probably just some gross flirting/sexting with Brooks and a couple hook-ups pre-divorce. Vicki is not devious enough to do the full-scale affair thing in my mind cause she is a neurotic control freak.
Tamra is all the sudden Team Vicki. Then they get in an argument with Gretchen about how she totally cheated on Jeff. HA! Gretchen keeps insisting Lauri said everything, not her. Vicki considers her an equal participant however since she was repeating it. and then Vicki points out that it was actually her BFF friend bracelet wearing Tamra who "said" she had the affairs on Jeff. Oops. Can we just talk about how incredibly mute Tamra was during this discussion?
Of course, conveniently, Lauri skis over. Vicki calls Lauri "filthy" and "dirty" and reminds her she has a lot of dirt on her. Please spill! Poor Lauri realizes she's been put in a Housewife trap and instantly regrets sharing any secrets with Gretch! Luckily as Vicki freaks out about multiple partners, Lauri starts twisting it and making it about technicalities; she never "said" Vicki had sex, she just saw her in bed, in her room with a man and a woman – under the covers. Vicki maintains they were watching a movie, fully clothed, and the 'other woman' was her sister. She says Lauri knew all this. Lauri changes tact about how Vicki had some man coming back and forth to LA, but Vicki all of the sudden doesn't care about being called a cheater, she's stuck on threesome in the worst way.
Alexis needs to whip out that blinged bible and perform an exorcist on these possessed crazies!
Vicki decides Lauri needs a time out away from the group since she can't play nice so she un-invites her to dinner and tells her no one likes her. I think Vicki was having high school ski team flashbacks!
"I've owned it, Lauri," Vicki snaps in response to the cheating allegations. "You're not my God; I don't have to answer to you! Go ski by yourself." And then Vicki punishes her. "Don't come to dinner tonight!" Vicki demands. And with that she summarily dismisses Lauri as a trashy, gross, pathetic and filthy. Lauri continues to insist she has not lied. I think she has greatly exaggerated many of the allegations, but I do think there are some grains of truth.
** Side note since we can't see any of their eyes with the massive ski goggles on, it puts all the focus on the rest of their effed up plastic surgery! I'm pretty sure the cold made Lauri's Taylorfied lip-plant puff up even more cause it was looking wonky and weird!
After Vicki shuffles away, Lauri lectures Gretchen about twisting her words. Poor stupefied Gretchen rebuttals that Lauri seemed to be insinuating a threesome was happening. Right – Lauri WAS insinuating that, but now that she's been called out she's backtracking. Lauri calls it the game of "telephone from hell". Well I guess don't gossip if you don't want to be called out! Which is exactly what Lydia says to Gretchen when she tries to insist she wasn't doing anything wrong. Point: Lydia!
As Alexis is consoling Vicki, Tamra waddles over to ask "What happened?" as if she's innocent. Vicki cannot let go of the multiple partners accusation to save her life as she gets shriller or shriller, echoing through the mountain and down to the valley of lost souls.
Poor Alexis wishes she had never come on this trip and was back at home hard boiling some eggs for Jim. As she strokes her crystal bible tucked away in her coat pocket, she imagines herself bouncing on one of Jim's trampolines. Bouncing higher and higher, away from all the pettiness and bickering, bouncing so high her bible crystals turn to stars and she can almost reach out and touch heaven. Thank God she brought Jesus with her on this trip. Blingin' the word, indeed!
[Photo Credits: BravoTV]
TELL US – WAS LAURI LYING? DID GRETCHEN HAVE A RIGHT TO SPREAD GOSSIP?