Oh brother… last night's episode of Real Housewives of New Jersey was, well… it was a hot, sticky, ridiculous, mess!
Things begin with a sauced up and (spray on hair'd up) Joe Gorga charging the brother-in-law who destroyed his life, Joe Giudice. These people are the living embodiment of a soap opera, only not as devious and calculating.
Except for Melissa… So anyway, Poison charges at Juicy and unfortunately Juicy immediately drops him and begins punching him.
Poor Melissa Gorga leaps on top of Juicy to try and pry him away from her precious little husbanito. "Teresa, help your brother!" she screams.
Teresa Giudice is gonna help alright – girlfriend is grabbing her purse, hightailing it out of there, and telling the producers to call the cops. Fire up that party bus cause mama is fleeing the coop! Just kidding, a panicked Teresa bellows to someone to call the cops. Doesn't Juicy have enough felonies?! Do not call the cops, but do get the mace! Or at least some Fabellini to subdue these people.
Back inside fight club, it takes all of the remaining Gorgadice (and Wallpaper) family members to pry Juicy off of Poison. Or Poison off Juicy – I really couldn't tell who was up and who was down at that point, except Melissa, who was shrieking and scratching.
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In a desperate attempt to take the brother-in-law down whom he has built up 10 years of hatred towards, Poison has started biting Juicy's nuts through his pants. Is that a stripper move Poison picked up on the Chippendales circuit? Hey, as someone mentioned on twitter, a boy's gotta eat!
And Juicy better get used to the sensation when he heads to lock-down…
I think the Drs Opies tried to suggest another game? How about taking out your aggressions a pinata!? Unless that pinata is filled with sedatives, it wouldn't work!
That was like a jr. sumo wrestling competition – or a scene from Family Guy where Peter decides to take up sumo and battles Quagmire wearing a fat suit. I do not watch that show, I promise, but my husband is an enormous fan #HangsHeadInShame Anyway, Joew on Joew action is dirty… literally. #HairInACan
Finally they manage to peel them apart and everyone is covered with this black, tar-like goop. They spend forever trying to figure out what it is and Poison never admits that he knows exactly where it came from… (until later!). Juicy had some smeared on like warpaint. I would think the eyeliner that Melissa and Teresa cake on is the culprit, but who am I kidding? They use waterproof. A nuclear holocaust couldn't pry that crap off their faces.
Nope, Poison's dirty little secret has darkened the door of all who came in encounter with him. His hair in a can has been revealed. After the fight is broken up and the Drs. Opies stand there stupefied, Melissa races to put Poison's hat on so no one can see her husband's receding hairline. How sweet of you, Melis! When you're On Display one must keep up with appearances!
Then Melissa blames Teresa for the whole fight and calls her a disgusting pig for not helping her brother. I'm confused here… How is Teresa responsible for saving her brother? The one who called her "scum" and started the entire fight? Wouldn't that be Melissa's job? Maybe she should have gotten on her knees and begged to Teresa to help her. I thought the Gorgas wanted Teresa to leave them alone? Well she did, cause she grabbed Juicy and decided they were out.
In fact everyone was hightailing it out of there until the producers waved their contracts in front of their faces and had the legal team conduct a Skype session reminding them of their liability. Then to really reinforce that they are trapped there, the party bus headed down the mountain for the rest of the winter and the bar was opened up!
Anyway, long story short Melissa blames Teresa for everything. Lots of screaming and crying occurs. The Poisons launch a campaign to win the first Academy Award for Acting in a Reality Television Show. Sadly, all they're winning is a Razzie. Poison announces, "That's how you deal with trash… you gotta become trash." Good to know, Jerry Springer.
And of course Teresa blames Melissa for everything claiming she didn't break up the fight and Teresa had to do everything. Oh these two… really and truly the government has conspired with scientists to successfully accomplish the first human cloning experiment with a specialty focus on isolating DNA strands to only clone personality traits while allowing physical features to remain different. Terlissa strikes again.
Wallpaper Wakile reveals that she didn't want to break up the fight because she was worried about her nose job getting damaged. haha… good call, Kath!
So everyone is done with each other and then realizing he needs some screen time, Richie starts ranting about how much he hates Teresa. Strangely he exonerates Juicy (is he scairt!?) but Teresa is evil and to blame for everything. However he is willing to look evil in the face and stare it down for the sake of family unity. See, again – I don't understand why does Richie hate Teresa? I mean sure, Teresa has done some conniving crap, but Melissa and Kathy have said and done some crap as well! People in glass houses…
Kathy decides to accompany Richie as he heads in to confront Teresa. Richie vs. The Volcano! Get yer man, Kath! Richie feels Teresa started the fight by telling Juicy that Poison called her scum. Teresa, rightfully, counters that Melissa is always running to Poison to whine, cry, and complain about her! Juicy doesn't bother getting involved, he's got his fleece unzipped Saturday Night Fever (on clearance) style and he's slurping a drink.
Richie and Kathy encourage Teresa to go talk to Poison and tell him she loves him. So she hightails it up there and tries, but poor Poison is upset and having a timeout. He's crying in the corner about how no one understands him and he just wants to be aloooooone! Melissa is rocking him softly and whispering in his ear about how she'll protect him from the evil Teresadactyl.
Speaking of pterodactyl, Teresa's screechiness! When she squeals glass shatters and dogs howl. The CIA could use that as an instrument of torture!
After Poison rebuffs her, Teresa is le sads. And shockingly, sweetly, Juicy hugs and comforts her. Do my eyes deceive me? Is this an apparition? I heard the castle of horrors was haunted… but is that Juicy showing his wife genuine love and affection. Well color me c-u-next-tuesday-y and knock me over with a sequined bikini top! It's love RHONJ style.
And just how bizarre is love RHONJ style? Beating the shizz-nit out of her brother is arousing to Teresa and Juicy who hop in the bath for some romantical one-on-one time. Aka advertising the aphrodisiac properties of Fabellini, but if Fabellini is making that happen, I'll pass.
The poor haunted hotel waiter had to bring in room service while Teresa and Juicy were canoodling in the bathtub. Bravo had to bust out the blurry modesty bar to cover her bubbies! Too bad cause I was hoping for indisputable proof that she'd had another boob job. #sarcasm. That poor waiter having to see this National Geographic mating act in person!
Meanwhile Melissa and Poison are having some bonding time of their own talking about Teresa of course. Melissa seems to have some Juicyitis of forgetting her mic is still on while she talks mad crap. She starts complaining about how low-budget Teresa is and how pathetic she is pedaling all these "cheesy" products like Fabellini. Apparently she can't secure a major endorsement deal and that's why she's doing online marketing or something.
Um…. sooooo… what "major endorsement deals" has Melissa scored? Sizzle Tan? Seen those low-budget J. Faux music videos anyone? I don't see her signed to any record labels! Maybe Poison can start endorsing Hair Club For Men?
The next morning Teresa and Juicy seem reconnected. Ewwwwwwwww…. images of horror. Truly. Now that her judgment is unclouded by some Juicy moments, Teresa decides it's the perfect time to call Caroline Manzo and ask for help. Hey, the Opies were useless and they're pretty much relying on Rosie at this point to mediate all their disagreements and she's only effective after five or six drinks. And it's early yet…
So Teresa calls Caroline and Caroline is swooning. 'Meeeee,' she gasps. 'Lil ol' meeee. You want meeee to help. Oh well, it's such a big inconvenience. I don't know if I could… let me get my purse!' Caroline tells us Teresa never asks for help and that she reached out proved how desperate she is to change things. So after talking things over with Lauren, who goes where ever mommy goes: Hoboken, Franklin Lakes… (but not retreating?!), Caroline alerts the party bus to pick her up and drive her down to the haunted castle. Take advantage of the open bar on the bus cause it's your last hurrah!
Goody for Caroline she gets to test out Let Me Tell You Something… in person!
Also making an appearance is Bravo's resident psychologist, Dr. V! Dr. V sucked on her own show but in her element as the overly sexed up and Pinot Singer Fashion Collection Dr she's awesome and truly effective. Teresa gets some alone time with her first and Dr. V was really upfront about how she's an Italian girl and don't let the blonde hair fool you because down below where it truly counts she's Italian style. Teresa suggests some Milania Hair Care Down There Serum and they get to breaking down the the family feud.
Dr. V points out that Teresa is either guilty or she really sucks at communicating because she always finds herself in the center of serious drama. Teresa actually listens. Dr. V tells her she doesn't have to admit to any culpability but she must accept that everyone INCLUDING HER is at fault in the problems. And I think it sunk in through all the new extensions and volumizing spray and fake tanner and false eyelashes.
Teresa decides they should all talk over breakfast so while she's rousing Juicy, Dr. V chats with the rest of the crew. Melissa would rather guzzle hair in a can than be there, but On Display comes at a price!
Dr. V asks Melissa about why she and Teresa can't get along and as Melissa is launching into a diatribe, Teresa comes in and Melissa clams up. Dr. V encourages her to continue talking but then they start arguing over who got a patent on the backwards sign of the cross and bellowing "Thank you Jesus!" while rocking hot pants. Teresa doesn't want to claim that one so she pawns it off on Melissa. This is one time when she's not accusing Melissa of copying!
Dr. V doesn't want anyone pointing fingers and placing blame, though, because, despite Melissa thinking she's nothing more than. Dr. Va-jay-jay, she knows her stuff and reads these loons like a book!
She hauls Poison into a room and gets him to admit that he's simply not ready to forgive and forget with Teresa cause he's still hurt. Earlier she pointed out that Teresa grew up taking care of and protecting Joe so as adults she has a hard time trusting him to make his own decisions. Dr. V says Teresa basically needs to accept that Poison is an adult
even if he has the IQ of a cat and is only as tall as Milania.
Dr. V gets Teresa and Joe to sit down together where they have a super honest conversation. Poison admits he is having trouble forgiving. Teresa says she just is tired of fighting and wants to be a family. Dr. V convinces Joe and Teresa to work on their relationship without the influence of anyone else including their spouses so they can get to know each other as people again.
This seemed like a truly honest and sincere moment. Both siblings hugged and cried. It showed they really love and care for each other. It truly did seem like a break-thru. I loved seeing such a touching conversation and I have to admit I teared up too. It was so unfortunate that Teresa's Tammy Faye Baker eye makeup and massive false eyelashes distracted from such a authentic and intimate scene.
Well, it started off so horrible it was comical and it ended with an emotional and touching moments between two siblings who sadly let reality television fame wrench them apart. That was a nice ending and I look forward to better moments from here!
PS – I noticed Poison was rocking a "Poison" t-shirt. Was it so he wouldn't forget his name?
[Photo Credits: BravoTV.com]
TELL US – WAS THIS A NEW BEGINNING FOR THE FAMILIES?